Get to the Inside

New Year, New Projects!

2012-01-13T08:58:00.001-06:00

Happy New Year! 2012 is upon us and I, for one, and just grateful I am still here. I won't lie-- 2011 was rather hellish for me, but I have survived. That's what I do, I survive. I thought I should reiterate that since I have been horribly absent from my precious blog for over a month now. I have made a personal pact with self that I should post a minimum of two times per month on my blog. I have said many times that there is something about coming her and speaking that often brings clarity to my inner chaos.

I am reminded that it was late 2008 when I started blogging and I have found so much joy in it. This has been a useful and rewarding outlet for my voice. The bonus I did not expect is the community of blogger, recovery, and poet friends with whom I have connected along the way. I believe any true writer finds joy in just writing for self, but I have discovered the joy in sharing words with others and that was a reward I didn't expect.

I believe it's my three-year journey here (and the 34-year trek prior to that) which has led me to my new project-- a novel. That's right, people, I am embarking on a novel! Have I ever written fiction before? No! Have I ever had training or guidance in writing fiction? No! Is that stopping these characters from invading my mind and soul? No! I am in love with writing this story. The plot, the people, and the theme of this novel feel like a natural culmination of my life up to this point, and I MUST write it.

I have written poetry since I was eleven years old and I've spent a lot of time with poets. I get poets and have a solid understanding of how various poets write. I do not know any fiction writers and am not familiar at all with this experience. This process is entirely new to me, so I engage in it with my own style and my own unique approach. I am now at page 54 in my writing and there are portions of the novel so far that even my untrained eye sees are really bad. I am finding now that I am knee deep in the action of this novel, I am truly needing the guidance of other writers to navigate this process. I welcome any resources, books, websites, or kind advice any of you in bloggerland can offer me. I have begun doing some internet research on my own and found one article in particular that I really like. It's from The Guardian and is entitled "Ten Rules for Writing Fiction." I am especially relieved to hear that these writers often give conflicting "rules," which validates my budding belief that perhaps there is no one right way to do it. One of my favorite tips was given from the author, Roddy Doyle. He says, "Tip #1: Do not place a photograph of your favorite author on your desk, especially if the author is one of the famous ones who committed suicide." You can check out that entire article here.

More to come!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=writing#/d1s1qz6

A Lesson from Maya Angelou

2011-11-17T08:11:00.002-06:00

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." When I first heard this, I just paused. I wasn't sure if I believed that and something about it didn't feel right. My first thought was, "What about all the times that I've unintentionally hurt others and they continued to support me and give me another chance? I thank God for those people!" I want to be a merciful and patient person. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best. I don't want to believe something about a person because of one behavior. I also want to be smarter about good self-care and not routinely become someone else's doormat! Surely there has got to be a good balance in there somewhere.

Every now and again I will have a brief moment of clarity on a tough issue. My understanding of a problem or its solution will show its face like an image emerging in a cloudy crystal ball, then it's gone again. But for that one moment I felt a knowing. This is how many of us gain a new insight or how some of us move into acceptance of an issue as opposed to just being aware of it. I realized this week the truth of Maya Angelou's statement. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Take note of the behavior that was just displayed and adjust yourself within that relationship. This does not mean I have to stop believing in the good in the person. This does not mean that I give up on this person. It doesn't mean I become unkind or unforgiving toward them. What it does mean is that I can practice healthy and loving safeguards within that relationship so that I do not have to be hurt in the same way again by this same person! It does mean that I should take note of the other person's behavior and know they are capable of it again. It is good to believe the truth of another person's behavior. I can be respectful to the other person while also believing and knowing their potential for hurtful behavior.

It feels right to be given permission to trust my instincts. When someone shows me unhealthy behavior, my instinct is self-preservation and that is OK. It is not selfish. This is a loving act toward myself. I can love myself without being cruel to other people. In fact, it's really not very loving to the other people to allow them to continue practicing their unhealthy behavior with me time and time again. I see now that I can set a limit with other people simply by putting up some protection around myself! I don't have to go to someone and confront their behavior everytime. Often I can just observe their behavior and establish a boundary around ME. This actually speaks volumes to other people. Thank God for moments of clarity.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=maya%20angelou&order=9&offset=48#/d1immuq

Detachment: A Pathway to Peace

2011-11-04T19:24:00.002-05:00

Detach. What a beautiful, yummy, and yet terrifying word. Here is Webster's definition of detach: "To disconnect: separate: to extricate oneself or withdraw." Detachment is an action often prescribed to us in our 12 step groups or by our therapists or friends. It means to emotionally let go of a situation or the outcome of a situation. Often we need to detach from people, because our remaining connected is poisoning us in some way. Always we detach as an act of love and ultimate respect toward ourselves.

Detachment becomes necessary when my connection to a thing, a person, or a situation is threatening to my sanity, my peace, my integrity, my health, or body. There are people so incredibly toxic that to remain involved with them means constant chaos and pain. Sometimes we may need to detach from a person who we cannot fully exclude from our lives, because they are our child or our boss at work. This type of detachment is a mental and emotional releasing. It is arriving at an emotional place where our own stability no longer hinges on what the other person says or does. We come to a knowing within ourselves that regardless of how the other person behaves, we will not be moved. We will not be flustered, angered, or care more than they do about themselves or their personal affairs. We lovingly lay down the other person's personal responsiblities at their own feet and walk away. We separate our sacred self from the choices of another human being. We detach.

There are situations in our lives that are troublesome and painful, situations which we cannot change despite our best efforts at trying. I am prone to worrying excessively, turning a problem over and over in my mind for a solution. Eventually the time comes when I have to be assertive with myself! I have to tell myself to detach from this situation. It is my responsiblity, after I've done all I know to do, to go to my Higher Power and ask for help. It is good that I lean on my Higher Power in these situations that are larger than me. I pray the Serenity Prayer for courage, wisdom, and serenity and I detach. I extricate my mind from the worry place. I forbid myself from going there. I connect to the resources of my Higher Power and disconnect from believing a situation outside of me holds the power to care for me or keep me happy. Often I must detach several times in one day or perhaps several times in one hour. Nonetheless I detach as often as I need to until I feel my peace begin to return.

Today I am so thankful for the skill of DETACHMENT, and today it feels good. There are times when detachment does not bring immediate relief, particularly the first few instances we detach from a painful person or situation. Laying down responsiblity for things we cannot control can force us to take responsiblity for ourselves in a way we have not been doing. We become more aware of our own feelings, all of them, the good and the bad. Sometimes there is intense grief after we detach from a situation. This is good and signifies moving toward ourselves and a fuller awareness of how we feel and what we need to do for ourselves.

How detachment comes and how it happens is a mystery to me. We do it when we're ready. I love this passage from Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: "Love and accept ourselves, as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard. The answer will come from detachment" (pg. 26). We may do it when we're worn out from trying everything else! We may do it out of anger or frustration. We may do it with tears of grief or even tears of relief, but do it. Just do it. When you know you have lost your very self to someone else's mess or troubles beyond your control. Just detach.

Photo Above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=letting%20go&order=9&offset=0#/d18ook4

A Prayer

2011-10-09T18:23:00.001-05:00

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down
lift your heart toward heaven
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting
your heart toward heaven — only you.
It is in the middle of misery that
so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good came of this,
is not yet listening.

by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=heart%20praise&order=9&offset=120#/d14wh0s

Follow Me

2011-09-13T07:54:00.001-05:00

Why is it that during times of stress that old codependent patterns try to rear their ugly heads? I suppose that our good reasoning gets compromised during times of chronic stress, which leaves us vulnerable to the temptation of codependent patterns. These patterns typically consist of taking the focus off of ourselves and becoming overly focused on what someone else is doing or not doing. It could also include the ceasing of self-care in order to take on more work (which we think is going to make someone else happy) or more worry (because we think we can just solve this problem if we try harder). CODEPENDENT PATTERNS. I can at least say that I more quickly recognize that familiar feeling of "my life has become unmanageable." On the path of recovery I have learned that my own chaotic mind, chaotic relationships, chaotic work, etc. is almost always a result of my attempts to control someone else. When I spend excessive amounts of time doing that, my own personal responsibilities get neglected and, thus, my life becomes unmanageable.

I probably sound like I'm talking from experience because I am REALLY talking from experience! In one of my codependent relapses last week, I got a new understanding about something. I was wondering how in the world Jesus managed a team of 12 disciples? I have a staff of eight at my job, and I sometimes feel as if I'm going to pull my hair out. I know Jesus had moments of frustration with His disciples as well. I am in no way suggesting that I am anything like Jesus or that my work mission reaches anywhere near Jesus's mission while He was on earth. I just thought, if you want to know anything at all about how to be a more effective leader, why don't you see how Jesus did it? The first and most important thing that struck me was how Jesus built his team of disciples. He went through various cities approached various men and said, "Follow me." They either followed or they gave him a sideways glance and mumbled under their breath, "Yeah, sure dude," then went back to their work. I also saw that there were people who came to Jesus and asked how to be a disciple or how to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He gave them a very direct and plain answer and many of them said something like, "Oh, wow, I didn't know it would require all that. OK, never mind." Then they left never to be heard from again. Jesus didn't get all emotional about it and chase after them saying, "It's really not that bad! You can do it! I'll help you, really, it'll be OK!" Either way, Jesus didn't beg people to do anything. He didn't threaten them. He didn't interview His disciples then choose who He thought would be the best candidates. He didn't try to convince people with long speeches backed up by the latest research stats or manipulate them through an emotional dissertation.

I've done all of the above and probably done all of the above just in the last few weeks. It's exhausting! I would now like to adopt the Follow Me approach. This approach involves saying simply and directly to someone what you would like for them to do, then you walk away and don't stress it. They will either do it or they will blow you off. When people comply with your requests with this type of approach, then you have a real keeper on your hands. There are actually many people who will just do what you ask, because they love you or respect you. We rarely make it to deeper more intimate relationships with these kinds of people, because we're wasting our time cajoling and pleading with the other type of person who really does NOT want to follow.

The second step of the Follow Me approach is in regard to those who do not follow. This approach requires that I do not chase after those who do not respond to a simple request and I do not block the consequences of their not following. I stand back and allow the chips to fall. If someone does not want to follow or comply with what I've asked, then I am no longer responsible for what happens to them after that. I've got to move on. When you live your life this way, you find yourself surrounded by a committed group of people who do not need to be routinely prodded and manipulated. What Jesus wanted from his disciples more than anything else was willingness. What better way to quickly identify that trait than to offer a simple request, "Follow me," then leave it in their hands.

So I'm moving forward now. Getting up out of the codependent ditch, dusting off and strapping on some Jesus sandals-- FOLLOW ME!

Photos above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=follow+the+leader#/d2oz6sf
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=follow%20the%20leader&order=9&offset=48#/d2tgndi

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2011-08-04T08:03:00.003-05:00

I do not deal well with CHANGE. I think I've gotten better over the years, as I have come to realize that change is just part of life. Just as soon as I get familiar with one routine, something new comes along to disrupt it. Even good changes can send me into an emotional tailspin. My head is telling me that my entire family was in a comfortable routine for a little too long and it was beginning to foster complacency and boredom. My emotions, however, are screaming, "I don't care! I want to go back to complacency and boredom where it's safe!" Hubby is starting a new job, the kids are going to after-school care for the first time in their lives, my own work and exercise schedule will need to shift as a result, and our finances will need to have major adjustments.

A friend of mine called me the other day and read a portion of The Language o Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. She read to me about the anxiety of being in the "meantime" or the middle phases of change, the waiting periods. When we go on a trip, we have to prepare, then get in the car and travel. There is a distance between one place and another. If I am travelling to a place I know well and have been to before, I may feel very excited during the travel time. If I am travelling to a place I've never been and perhaps anticipate there may be bad experiences awaiting, then the travel time is miserable. My current travel time into this new phase of life has been miserable and it must be because I am anticipating the worst! I had a dream last night that didn't seem to make any sense, but now I get it. I dreamed that I had to travel to the other end of the state and didn't want to have to make the long drive (travelling across TN is beautiful but LONG). In the dream I boarded a new-fangled train system that jets you across the state in the speed of a plane. I saw the familiar scenery speeding past me as I travelled and I was amazed at how quickly I could get there. I believe this dream was a wish-fulfillment dream. I just want to get there now and avoid all this darned travel!

Today I make the commitment to enjoy the journey. Nothing bad is happening to me on this journey. It is merely a shift from one place to another. I don't know what the new place is going to look like, but this doesn't mean I have to fear it. God is a God of change. He created the seasons, aging and growth, the shifting weather patterns, and time itself. He is in control of all things... even as they change.

Painting above by:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=fast+train#/d28owyi

Out of the Shadow

2011-06-27T17:04:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about our "Shadow Selves" and the human tendency to split off the parts of ourselves that we most dislike. I see this all the time with my clients-- not so much in myself, because those unlikeable parts of myself are separated away from consciousness! Carl Jung talked about our Shadow Selves, as the aspects of our personality that we don't want to claim. They are very much there and in daily operation. If we see someone else displaying a feature of our own Shadow Self, we may find ourselves feeling very angry or even disgusted with this person. A strong reaction like this has become my own first clue that I am encountering myself in these people.

I wrote several entries ago about one such Shadow Self, my Know-It-All side. A few weeks after sharing this Shadow Self with the whole world, I began to notice that I wasn't feeling so triggered by a certain person who displayed that trait himself. I realized that bringing my Know-It-All Self out of the shadows made me feel less disdain toward her/the Shadow Self. I shared in that post how the Know-It-All Self came to be and maybe this increased my compassion toward her as well as fellow Know-It-Alls I meet daily!

I often see parents, who encounter in their children, an aspect of their own Shadow Self. This is always difficult for me, because all people have intense reactions to people who display certain shadow traits we find reprehensible or repulsive. It's hard to watch a parent feeling this way toward their own child, yet I know the parent cannot help the way he/she feels. I once worked with a parent that had suffered horrific abuse as a child. She learned to suffer silently under the abuse, behaving as perfectly as possible in order to avoid further abuse. As a child, she learned to disown feelings labeled as "unacceptable" by her abuser-- primarily anger. She was not allowed to demonstrate any sense of outrage or injustice at what was being done to her or she was likely to experience even harsher physical punishment in return. This woman grew up to have a child with serious anger problems. It's probably no accident that the child learned to adopt this particular affect as his primary personality trait. Being an angry kid, however, left his mother feeling very threatened by him and made him unlikeable to her. This, in turn, also triggered her to adopt certain other aspects of her own abuser (i.e., becoming harsh, unjust, overly critical and controlling). This was a complex and unhealthy loop that the mother and child operated within and one that left me feeling very powerless in therapy.

I wasn't trying to zap the power of my Know-It-All shadow self by discussing it openly. That is exactly what seems to have happened, however, and hooray for me! I don't know if the parent I mentioned above would have been thrilled had I suggested she share with the internet world all the ugly aspects of her own angry Shadow Self. What I'm realizing though is that bringing that aspect of herself into consciousness is exactly what she needed-- as painful as it would be to do so. Maybe this could have been done through talking about the angry self, journaling, painting her, or acting it out. Some therapists might have used sandplay, psychodrama, or various other modalities. In our daily lives, we often do the same work without the guidance of a therapist. When we are writing, playing with our children, or creating in various forms, we are dipping our hands into the realm of our own subconscious minds and drawing out forgotten people from those dark places. It is in the birthing of these Shadow People and incorporating them into our conscious selves that we become whole.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?qh=§ion=&q=out+of+the+shadow#/d614by

Kiss Me, You Fool

2011-06-10T21:05:00.003-05:00

I have a close friend who is a recovering sex and love addict. She is an older woman (a phrase I use when I mean "older than me") and so dear to me. This woman has about 20 years of recovery under her belt, immense wisdom and humility. She's been nothing short of a gift from God to me and I am grateful to share this universe with her.:-) She doesn't mind my sharing some insight she and I both are gaining as a result of a new relationship she is in.

My friend has not dated for probably about 10-15 years now. I suspect much of this comes from the deep respect she has for sobriety and her own addiction. She is fully aware that returning to addictive relationships could mean death for her. Many of the men she dated or was married to in the past are already dead themselves due to reckless behavior and various addictions of their own. I have encouraged my friend, however, that I do not personally feel that God intends for us to live alone. This doesn't mean we are all meant to be married, however, I feel my friend has much to offer in a relationship and is certainly deserving of much love and admiration. I've encouraged her to remain open to healthy men and when there is an opportunity for a date, she needs to go! Unlike decades ago when she moved desperately from one unhealthy man to another in an attempt to get her love fix, she now has a circle of sober friends who will help hold her accountable. She also has years of healing under her belt and numerous new coping tools. She has taken my fine advice and has been dating someone for 2 months.

My friend has established a rule for herself that, at first, I didn't quite understand. She has promised herself that she will not kiss this many until and unless they have dated successfully for 3 months. I spoke to her this week and asked, "Have you gotten to smooch yet or not?" She says, "Nope, still no smooching! You'll be the first to know!" She and I discussed what the purpose of this personal contract has been and how in the heck is it even working. She and I are first and foremost shocked that she is dating someone who has not questioned this. She has not told him about her personal promise and he has not attempted to kiss her. They have held hands and demonstrate a romantic interest in one another but neither are anxious to push things too far too soon. I am learning that, by slowing things down in this way, my friend is experiencing many unexpected benefits:

1) Reduced possiblity for fantasy behavior: we all know that sexual feelings can cause you to feel a little crazy in your head and influence you to overlook otherwise unhealthy or inappropriate behavior in a partner. By not taking the relationship to that level that particular temptation is not there and they are able to experience each other at a more "real" and therefore more intimate level than other couples who are hopping into bed within the first few dates. Yes, Honey, BELIEVE it.

2) Reduced tension and anxiety around the sexual aspect of the relationship: by limiting the first kiss, the sexual tensions are held at bay. This allows for the both of them to just stop thinking about it and worrying about it. Instead, do you know what they do? They just go on a date and have fun with each other without worrying about when is the sex gonna happen! Again, they are opened to a truer level of intimacy because of this.

3) Maintaining a personal sense of integrity and safety: for my friend in particular this is very important. This is a big deal to her and very scary. It is exactly this kind of limit that has allowed her to safely date at all. We are also both shocked that she has found this man who is so respectful of it. It's made her realize that it wasn't the man who was always the problem in past relationships-- perhaps she was the one pushing things too quickly sexually and there are actually many men who would be willing to respect her timing and limits. THAT is a true paradigm shift for her and very freeing. Should things not work out in this relationship, she's learned something so important about men-- they can be safe and responsive to your needs when you express them.

I've been with the same man for 17 years and we have 2 children. We're way past the withholding the kiss stage, so walking through this with my friend is so special to me. A part of me gets to learn alongside her. Yeah, recovery!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=princess%20kiss&order=9&offset=24#/d1cryw6

Good Grief

2011-05-31T21:06:00.002-05:00

Hello blogger friends! I realized today that it's been almost a month since I've come around to post, and I don't intend to make that a habit. I need this little piece of internet space to come to and think. I have found myself lately to be a woman of few words. I'm experiencing some very tough times personally and have been silenced by it all. I have enough sense to know that I don't want to speak doubt, discouragment, or anger, and I'm afraid if I open my mouth that is what will come out. Trying to speak anything positive or hopeful has just been too painful... just to be very honest. Thus, I've just been keeping my mouth shut! I feel tonight I need to break the silence with goodness.

I am realizing that having evil very near has made me especially keen to all the good that is near. Tonight I felt immense gratitude for a push mower that works and a yard to mow. I almost wanted to weep at it. I felt such joy cooking hot dogs for my kids, as if I were cooking the finest meal they have ever had. I am grateful to have a front door with a lock, water that runs both cold and hot, a running car, two beautiful happy children, and a home. Last night I slept beside a sweet loyal husband in a bed in a home I love with my children safely nearby. It's summertime and the cicadas have not interrupted a single outdoor activity. I've been given so much and have nothing but gratitude for every wonderful vacation I've experienced with my kids, every fancy schmancy meal my husband and I have treated ourselves to, and all the sweet luxuries of life that many people never experience. If I never experience any of them ever again, I can't complain.

I don't ever want to become too attached to stuff here on this earth. I can't take any of it with me, and one day all I've worked for will either be given to someone else or tossed in the trash. There are, however, things I can leave that can never be stolen or trashed, and God is reminding me to focus more of my time and energy in those areas. I have children who will carry pieces of myself and my husband into the world with them, and I hope to impart good to them. Everyday I encounter hurting people with no sense of hope, people starving for love and in need of healing. You meet them too. We're only given a short time on this earth and it passes so quickly. Let us love one another more passionately, more fully than ever before. Let us give away more of our things and our time to lighten someone else's load. Let us all think a little less about ourselves and a little more about our neighbors. Let us spend less time arguing and complaining and more time speaking words that will build someone up and offer hope. It is my prayer that none of you have to suffer to come to these truths for yourself and I pray that I never forget them either. I want to leave them here as a marker for myself!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=mowing%20the%20yard&order=9&offset=48#/d1koizq

The Ultimate Peace Treaty

2011-04-26T08:22:00.001-05:00

I ran across the most wonderful verse and promise about a week ago. Just reading it and marinating in it has been sweet to me: "'no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,' declares the Lord."(Isaiah 54:17)In fact, this entire chapter makes me smile. The prophet Isaiah is delivering a message to the people directly from God, and God really has some good news for them! These people had been struggling and striving in their relationship with the Lord for generations. Finally, after all this turmoil, God is ready for some peace and says, "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed."

I've had struggles with people and that's no fun, but I've had struggles with God and that is REALLY no fun. It brings me great comfort to just receive the promise that He's not mad at me and, in fact, has signed a peace treaty for eternity! Regardless of what I do, where I go, what I say or feel, the peace treaty remains intact. This is the first promise of this text, but it doesn't stop there. God tells the people that, because of the peace covenant, he will not abandon them AND if they are attacked by any enemies it will not be His doing. He doesn't promise they won't be attacked, He just says the attack won't come from Him.

I believe God knew that many people would not exactly feel comfort from this particular promise. I mean, why not just keep me from being attacked by anybody, right? Can't you do that, God? He was prepared to answer me and the many people who think like me. God answers this with "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coal into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc." God creates the people, but He really has little control over them at that point. They're free to go do their own creating, whether for good or evil, it's their own choice.

Here's the really good part! Let the blacksmith forge his weapons and plan to use them on me. Go build your weapons, forge an entire arsenal of weapons to use on me! Guess what, they are ineffective against me. You can plan any attack you want, but the attacks of others do not prevail against me. HA HA! Furthermore, make your accusations against me. They get refuted, each and every one of them everytime. It's my heritage as a servant of the Lord. What a wonderful and comforting promise, and I am finding it to be true. As false accusations are made and attacks launched, I rest in the comfort that I have a peace treaty with God and He is my ally in all battles lifting up a supernatural shield that thwarts all intended harm.

It is very easy and natural for me to "get my back up" when people try to suggest something about me that isn't true. I struggle with having a little bit of an "attitude" and a quick temper. Before I've even had time to think about a situation, a sassy comment has already escaped my lips. Because of this tendancy to run my mouth, I've also had to become very adept at apologies. For a hothead like me, I am quieted by the promise from God that the ultimate peace, peace between me and Him, is already established, and any attacks or accusations from people will not prevail. So, chill. :-)

Photo above found at:
http://linsenschuss.deviantart.com/art/the-blacksmith-134322435

Resilient

2011-04-01T20:30:00.002-05:00

In the middle of this tight contraction of time
where I am squeezed between hard and impossible, here
I take a deep breath lying on the stone that
some wish were my coffin and
I breathe
deep solemn redeeming breaths that
I live despite you
despite evil black as the underworld encapsulated
in a palm, I breathe
despite generations of heavy earth lying over me
I consider it brilliant
the changes it draws from me in crushing blows.
I breathe despite loneliness
despite drudgery and commotion
I am alive
here amidst the pounding pummels
lifting my chin and
swinging back.

I’ll admit
sometimes I wish you knew about
my own black storms
the howling, the deep of the cut
the vastness of the hole
I hold
the fine sweet slice of soul
left lying open
I get it
it’s not for you to know
I’ve learned to celebrate the solitude
in suffering
since I’m coming out of it now
one fine day at a time
Sweet Jesus!
Look at me now.

By Melissa Greene
photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=survivor&order=9&offset=48#/dmd517

To Every Thing There Is a Season

2011-03-29T08:31:00.002-05:00

We have had a rough winter here in the Nashville area with a record number of snow days. In fact, many schools in this area have gone over their designated number of snow days, requiring students to extend their school year. Our first snow occurred in December, which is unheard of, and the wintry precipitation did not stop until into February. We're pretty spoiled in this area with the warm weather. It tends to stay fairly mild here throughout the year. It's not unheard of to have little to no snow at all in the winter. So, for us to get really SICK of snow tells you that it was a lot. Despite the harsh winter and all the previous years of bitter cold, I can say I have never had a therapy client come into my office complaining of despair due to snow, ice, or cold. Yes, sometimes we may feel our mood negatively and temporarily affected on a gray day, but I'm saying I have never seen anyone go into despair over bad weather. Why is that? Why did we Nashvillians not begin to wail and moan in utter hopelessness over the extremely cold and harsh winter we suffered? Because we know it ends! Winter always ends and spring always comes! It is inevitable. We've seen it happen year after year-- the sunshine emerges and the snow melts. Like clockwork spring always comes.

In Ecclesiastes we are told that to EVERYTHING there is a season. This means there is a season for depression, anger, grief, loneliness, and a host of other painful experiences. These things have their season then they end. They always end because we are promised they will end. They are confined to a season. I know that I begin to experience despair and hopelessness in the midst of a painful experience, when I convince myself that "this will never end! I cannot handle it any longer and it will never end!" I don't despair over winter, so why should I despair over other unpleasant experiences? This too shall pass.

Ecclesiastes 3

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=seasons#/djz251

Miss Smarty Pants

2011-03-16T08:18:00.002-05:00

When I was around 9 years old, my parents divorced. As an adult I can see how this divorce was inevitable and necessary. Children, however, do not have adult logic and coping skills. Children believe things that are not true and sometimes believe things that are downright magical or fanciful. Children also tend to believe that the world revolves around them, thus other people's choices must be because of something the child has done. My child reasoning came up with the bright idea that my Dad left because I was not special in any way. Some children might have blamed themselves in various other ways, telling themselves, "I'm not a good girl, so Dad left," or "I argued with Dad last week, so he left," etc., etc. For me, I just felt PLAIN and therefore unlovable. I remember when school let out that spring, at the completion of fourth grade, I made the decision that one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty smart. I didn't consider myself particularly pretty, social, or talented in any way, but darn it, I could learn anything! So, I resolved to become the SMARTEST and this is what would make me special. My parents had ordered a set of encyclopedia books for me, and that summer I set out to begin reading and committing to memory the entire set. Oh, Dear...

Thus began my lifelong agenda of becoming a real know-it-all. In retrospect, I know I was a pretty smart kid, but so were alot of my friends. There was nothing really all that special about my good grades, but I had convinced myself it was the one thing that kept me special and therefore forever safe from abandonment.

The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is because I am realizng this is the wound that is being triggered by Mr. A, referenced in my last post. As the universe would have it, I have been put into a relationship with another know-it-all just like me. Great! (insert sarcasm here) There is only room for one know-it-all per office, home, or school, etc. When two know-it-alls disagree, uh-oh, someone has to back off and admit, I don't know everything, you do. That is just not happening! It's really almost laughable but the wound is very real, because here is the problem: if you take away my smart status, then my wound says you just took away the one thing that makes me special, and now I am vulnerable to abandonment.

I am very grateful to have this wound and the lie of it exposed. I am actually becoming grateful for every instance when Mr. A tells me something I already know and I'm tempted to say, "Yes, I already know that." When I walk away from this triggering instance, I have truth on my side, and the truth can be applied like a healing balm. These are the sweet and wonderful truths that I know:
1. I am not the smartest person around, nor do I need to be. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise!
2. I am special and unique regardless of my IQ or book smarts. There is no one else on this planet exactly like me.
3. I can never be abandoned ever again, because I am an adult now. Adults can't be abandoned, because adults are self-sufficient (in the survival sense). Only children can truly be abandoned.
4. I am powerless over other people and trying to control other people only makes my own life unmanageable. I have a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity and daily meet my needs, as long as I daily turn the care of myself over to Him.

I share this personal story with great humility and with the hope that someone reads a part of themselves here. May the truth set us free!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=girl%20reading&order=9&offset=24#/d1e50b5

Reflection vs. Reaction

2011-03-12T20:01:00.001-06:00

I will offer a little self-disclosure here. Actually, I think I offer quite a bit of self-disclosure here on these pages, but anyway... I want to share a recent insight I've had. I will change the names and circumstances to protect the privacy of dear others.

I am presently in a relationship with someone where I am experiencing much tension, and this has been ongoing for some time. I also get the sense that I am actually having more anxiety and anger in this relationship than the other person, who we'll call Mr. A. This man, Mr. A, really triggers me. In fact, I sometimes find myself so annoyed by him that I uncharacteristically snap on him, become rude, and have even gotten angry enough to stomp away. Essentially, I throw a little tantrum because I get so ticked off. Just to clarify, I don't typically act like this in relationships! I'm actually known by friends and family for remaining level-headed, avoiding confrontation, and very rarely exhibting anger (even when it is probably warranted). Something about Mr. A really gets my goat, however, and I have no problem getting angry... and quick. Afterward, I always feel guilty, embarrassed at my juvenile behavior, and even more angry at him that he MADE me act that way.

It would be really easy for me to type on and on about all the horrible things this person does and how my anger toward him is justified. I could rant and rave about the rightness of my frustration and how things would be much better if he would just change. What I'm finally understanding, after a significant amount of time with Mr. A, is that he is not real likely to change. What I am now motivated to do (after many months of tension and conflict) is to examine myself.

Mr. A does seem to irritate other people as well and we have mutual friends who have commented on this. None of them, however, seem to get triggered quite as intensely as I do. What I now want to try is REFLECTION rather than REACTION. I have gotten so angry with him at times that my reaction was quick and surprised me. Sometimes I've said something very scathing, scoffed loudly at him, and various other things that surprised me. Sudden reactions. What I would like to try is to stop myself before I get to this point and take a time out. I'm not sure how I'm going to get the time-out. Most likely I'll just say, "Excuse me for just a minute, I just remembered something important I need to take care of," or I might try, "Let me take a few minutes to think on that and I'll get back with you." If you hear me saying that to you this week... well, sorry. It's better than getting hostile and sarcastic, right?

Once I get space and step away, I want to REFLECT. My reflection is what I see when I look into the mirror. I will see me staring back at me! I don't actually intend to go look into a mirror, but maybe I can examine what I am seeing within me at that moment. What am I feeling? What does this feeling remind me of? What earlier times in my life did someone make me feel this way and what was the outcome? Are those past events somehow affecting my present interaction? Most likely, yes. My reaction is so intense, it suggests that a relationship template is being triggered. This is a template that got solidified within me over time after a repeated interaction with someone very close to me. For example, some of us learn at a young age that if you show anger in your home, you are shunned and shamed by a parent, so you learn to stop exhibiting signs of anger and feel shame instead. Later in life, when we encounter someone who wakes up the "shaming parent" template inside us, we automatically and unconsciously slip into the role of shamed child who denies anger. Then we wonder why we feel so crappy every time we're with that person!

I believe that if I REFLECT rather than REACT, I am going to learn some very valuable things about myself. I hope to gain some insight about what type of issue is being triggered. I also hope that I can begin to practice some new ways of dealing with Mr. A rather than the usual red-headed tyrrant routine I've been pulling. I'm not real happy with that act lately. I doubt he is either! Almost makes me feel sorry for the poor guy... just almost but not really. :-)

I'll keep you posted on what exciting traumas I dredge up within myself!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=snow%20white%20mirror&order=9&offset=24#/d1k9p6n

Therapy? For Me?

2011-03-09T20:18:00.002-06:00

There are many commonly held misconceptions about therapy that I'd really like to de-bunk, but I'm going to focus on the top 4 I hear most often. Put on your big girl panties and your big boy undies, if you plan to proceed:-)

1. Therapy is only for crazy people: This has to be THE most common misconception/untruth about therapy and is most often spoken by someone who really needs therapy. First of all, what do you mean by crazy? Aren't we all just a little crazy? There is no shame in going to a therapist for help or support. If you had a disease like diabetes, you would take your medication and go to your doctor appointments without shame. Similarly, if you have experienced unforeseen events in life that have crippled you emotionally, it is good to seek the help of a therapist. It is good to take care of yourself and be seen by a professional who is trained and experienced in walking people through their hard times. Many people are blessed with genetics that predispose them to mood disorders. Then life comes along and brings out the symptoms. We go to therapy because we cannot overcome and deal with much of our emotional baggage all on our own. A good therapist is mindful of the interplay happening between the two of you and is aware that it is this interplay that is essential in you getting better! Relationship is key to healing! I personally believe therapy is especially important if you are a therapist yourself. My mind and my psyche are my primary work tools and I want them to be clear and healthy. Otherwise, I'm bringing my own dysfunctional patterns, beliefs, and feelings into the therapy relationship and acting it out with my clients-- not good. And, yes, you are doing that if you are a therapist. You are human after all, not perfect! Remember, I did warn you to put on your big girl and big boy undies. :-)

2. I don't need therapy, I just take medicine for that: I hear so many people say this. There are many wonderful medications designed to treat mental illness. I am very glad for this. In fact, I hope and pray for even more effective medications to come on the market all the time. We are in need of medications to treat biochemical imbalances that can lead to depression, psychosis, and anxiety. I also see many clients for whom the medications are absolutely an essential part of their treatment, and I know they would experience severe regression without the meds. BUT (and you knew the BUT was coming) medication ONLY is nothing more than a good start for most people. It's highly unlikely that you are going to find a medication that is going to cure it all. I see clients who find a good medication that stops their anxiety attacks all together-- GREAT! These clients feel they are better now and no longer in need of therapy. They then go on to experience one dysfunctional relationship after another, spend themselves into great debt again and again, have constant conflict with co-workers or family, etc., etc. In my own experience as a therapist, I have never seen a client who experienced anxiety in a vacuum. This is to say, they are experiencing crippling anxiety for no apparent reason, with no history of trauma, or family dysfunction that hard-wired their brain to respond in this way. I am not saying these types of people don't exist. I'm just saying that in 10 years of doing therapy, I've personally never seen it! It is possible to live without potentially addictive medications and learn to manage anxiety. Let your medication serve as a springboard that allows you to participate in therapy at an even deeper level. Remain open to the fact that there are characterological and interpersonal issues impacting your life that medication will never resolve. If you're waiting on the right medicine to come along that will finally make you feel better, you might be waiting for a long time. Medication combined with talk therapy will get you there!

3. A good therapist will be able to fix me: Many people come to therapy believing that I hold the solutions to their problems. They believe I will give them a magical answer and POOF, things will be great. They are often sorely disappointed when I have to tell them, "Sorry, my magic wand is in the shop." Certainly, there are people who need information. There are many clients who need to know more about their diagnosis. They may need to know more about the common effects of childhood sexual abuse or being the child of an alcoholic parent. This information alone can be very healing and give a person direction in how they think about themselves and the world. There are times too, when a client simply needs guidance and it is good for a therapist to provide it. Most of the time, however, my role is NOT to sit with you for an hour telling what you what you should be doing if you want to feel better. If you have a therapist who does that with you, how good does that feel? I want to encourage clients to explore themselves, dig deep inside the stuff of themselves. Together we sort through the trash, how did the trash get there, what can we do with it, what part am I playing in all the drama that goes on in my life? Good therapy also means working patiently through the ups and downs of the therapeutic relationship. Therapy means for many people that they experience warmth and a non-judgmental attitude from another person, maybe for the first time in their lives. That goes a lot farther than a therapeutic lecture. Therapy is a process of you learning about yourself, being courageous and honest about yourself, and actively working toward change.

4. I don't have time for therapy: Honey, you don't have the time to skip it. For people who are experiencing extreme stress, anxiety, chronic conflict with others, depression, addictions, and various other dysfunctional patterns, you cannot afford to continue another day without gaining some therapeutic insight. Each day that you continue on in your life engaging in the same dysfunctional patterns, experiencing the same negative and unhelpful thoughts, going deeper into dangerous depression and addiction, you make it much harder to ever extract yourself from it. You're also very likely creating further damage within your relationships that will have to be addressed and healed later as well as re-creating dysfunctional patterns in your life that you are probably unaware you are even re-creating. Good therapy cannot be postponed. It is too essential to put off until you have more time, because life will catch up with you eventually. When life and our own brokenness forces us into therapy... well, that's just no fun. Make the time now.

Rant ended. :-)

JUANITA BYNUM LIVE - I DON'T MIND WAITING

2011-02-28T20:13:00.001-06:00

I've just had a huge revelation today. I realize I've been duped for a long time, and I'm only now seeing the trap that has been snaring me for years. I only get bitter, frustrated, and anxious when I believe a particular stressor I'm facing is neverending. If I just remember that they don't last... nothing lasts forever... I can weather anything. I can handle anything because my God will show up right on time, and I don't mind waiting. I don't mind waiting, however long it takes, because I'm waiting on the Lord!

Keep Your Head Up

2011-02-06T15:17:00.008-06:00

Some truths are so simple and so widely shared that they've just become trite. It's easy for me to tell someone in deep pain, "Keep your head up!" I'll be very honest, one supposedly "encouraging" phrase that I hate to have given to me during a difficult time is, "God never puts on us more than we can bear." Well, maybe I don't want to bear it! Maybe this time He messed up, because I can't do it! I've told the Lord before, "Really, God, maybe you think I can handle this and take on more, but I'm telling you I can't!" During especially difficult times, painful, heart-wrenching, and discouraging times... I don't want trite words of encouragement. What I want is rescue. I want to be taken out of this pain. I want the offender to stop offending or the hurt to be healed... and now please.

Nonetheless, it is not always in our best interest to be rescued or healed right away. Sometimes we pray for very sick friends and family only to watch them lose their battles and die. Sometimes we pray for answers or wisdom and hear nothing. Sometimes we do the right thing, make the right choices, and give all to someone who turns around and stabs us right in the back. Essentially, there are moments in our lives, when we must remain in the pain. There may be situations where there is just not an exit out of it right now. If you don't have a simple truth to turn to in those situations, you may not survive it.

This week I experienced a deep betrayal and have been very confused by it. I've prayed for this to end. I've prayed for some wisdom to overcome it and nothing is changing. In fact, it seems like each time I pray, the heat gets turned up and the situation gets worse. While praying this week, God put this verse on my heart, "I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." This was my honest and angry reply, "I know that, God! I've prayed for help again and again and things only get worse! I don't want a cute and trite Bible verse! I want help!" And so it has continued for days-- the discouragement and anger.

This morning at church, our pastor spoke about being discouraged. He preached from Exodus about the children of Israel, who became beaten down after years of being held as slaves. When help finally did come for them, many of them were too discouraged to believe it or move toward the help. Because their heads were hanging low, they missed exits and opportunities. In the midst of this sermon, the pastor says, "Lift your eyes up to the hills! Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth! When you get discouraged, you miss the help when it finally comes!"

In the midst of my pain, my stubbornness in wanting only rescue led me to discouragement when it didn't come. What I do have is the promise of my Higher Power that help will come. It is the simplicity of this promise and its truth that will keep my eyes raised to the hills. I wanted to share this story here, because I know there are so many of you in a similar place. You don't have the answers you want right now. You don't have the help you need right now. What we do have, however, are truths-- pure and simple truths. Cling to those and know they will get you through. That's your simple encouragement for the day. It's all I've got, "Keep looking up."

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=keep%20your%20head%20up&order=9&offset=120#/d317lqh

Lucid Good-byes

2011-01-23T08:43:00.004-06:00

Today I will perform a dance
for you
in the water
this will be good-bye

I wear a brown swimsuit like
the earth
rich with death and dying
I want you to see my struggle

the years I have wanted you
the depth of this pain
all within the space of one song
in the space of

the white blue
in spaces marked empty
I sink beneath the surface
my body pale

in this world you will know me
as I am coming to know others
in this quiet place
I

remember a teenage boy
who loved me
lived across the street
aching for me

Above the water line
I fear his intensity but
here below the surface
I offer deep respect

He says good-bye
I hear his brother laughing
I honor the courage
it took to meet me here

Now it is my time
these are the final chords
I place my hand along the surface of
the water

in gentle dots
to mark the years
notice them
they disappear so quickly

At the bottom of this pool
you may remember
a girl
whose red hair fans about her head

like seaweed
now another me
emerges from the water
It is over

the song
the dance
the always wondering mind
did you ever really know?

By
Melissa Greene

Photo above found at:
The Same Deep Water as Me

My Love Circle

2011-01-13T21:19:00.006-06:00

I don't mean to sound religious or "out there," when I say that sometimes I hear God speak to me. When I have this experience, it's not like an audible voice from somewhere outside of me. For me, I do hear a voice that actually seems to come from within me, yet I feel it is definitely NOT me. This is confirmed for me through the fact that this voice usually says something that I would never say in a million years. Sometimes the voice brings up a person or situation that I was not presently thinking about but needed to. I guess I could also describe this as suddenly having a knowing from within me and perhaps it's my own mind that then puts it into words. Not real sure, so I usually just explain it as God spoke to me.

I had one of these experiences the other day while I was working out at the gym. I've been on a health kick for about 6 months now and am really seeing the benefits in my body. I am enjoying my exercise time and truly beginning to honor it as my special time just for me. While lifting weights the other day, I felt God happy within me and He said, "That's good. I need you to be strong, so I can expand your Love Circle." That made me smile, because I had never thought of love that way. There are people in my life, within my Circle of Love, for whom I am responsible for loving. It is my job to love my husband and my children. I consider it my responsibility to love my parents and other family members. I love my closest friends, and when I love you, I make myself available to you. I sacrifice for you. I make time for you and consider your feelings and needs.

It is very exhausting loving other people. I get replenished through my quiet time with God and allowing others to love me back. It really takes a toll on one's body to fully love other people well! I am limited by time, resources, and the strength of my physical body in how much I can love. Thankfully, God doesn't have such limitations. When God spoke to me the other day, I understood and respected that my body can only give so much, particularly as I'm getting older and wear out a little quicker. I look forward to having the Love Circle expanded and am grateful to God for a healthy body with which to do it!

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/2706150?offset=144#/d1heh35

The Lover and the Beloved

2010-12-17T07:39:00.008-06:00

Today my heart is full. I am the Beloved. I have a very dear friend who performed a huge service for me and I paid her for this service. Actually, I hadn't paid her in full but was sending her monthly payments and we were both happy with this arrangement. This morning I received a letter from her that said: "Sweet Melissa, I am following my heart (and God's direction on this). In the spirit of the season, and with full knowlege (and God's grace), the slate is wiped clean. Hoping for lots of opportunities to be in your presence in the New Year. Merry Christmas! Pay it forward when you are able." I stood there holding that letter feeling like George Bailey.

I am a mother, a manager, a therapist, and a wife. All of the primary roles in my life make me the Lover. I am traditionally the one that gives. I am the one who performs acts of love for others, and I am content with this. I know how to care for myself and keep myself replenished so that I am able to give from a place of abundance rather than compulsion. This has not always been the case for me. I would actually say that for the majority of my life, I was parched. I had nothing to give, yet I worked myself to the bone trying to keep everyone happy. I gave from my own limited emotional and mental resources until I was completely spent. It has taken many years of healing and years of good self-care (what one friend of mine calls EXTREME SELF CARE) that I began to come back to myself. I am now more quickly able to determine when I am giving from compulsion and an empty Love Account rather than from an overflowing Love Account.

I am realizing today that, although I am content in being a Lover in this world, I cannot live this way perpetually or I will go spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Not only do I need to keep my Love Account full through conscious daily contact with my Higher Power but I also need to stand still and allow myself to be loved on by other people. I am loved by many people and it is good to let them love on me from their own abundance. It is their spiritual service to love me and I should never rob others of their own spiritual acts of service. In the last 6 months, perhaps more than ever in my life, I have felt so loved, appreciated, and honored. Almost every day of my life I have someone encouraging me, appreciating me, and supporting me. It has become almost excessive and makes me laugh with God as I continue to experience this outpouring of love from friends and family! This friend's recent act made my heart swell. She re-filled my Love Account today. That's it! I get my Love Account replenished not only through direct contact with my Higher Power but also through His working through other people. In order to be a good Lover I have to respect my place as the Beloved as well.

Song of Solomon speaks to this problem, "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned" (ch.8, v.7). A person who gives all they have will go bankrupt and be useless! George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life filled the Love Accounts of many people through his kindness, intelligence, and charisma. He gave until there was nothing left and he reached a point of despair. He reached a place where he had no other choice but to stand quietly in his own home while friends and family came in and gave of their abundance to rescue him. George Bailey had to respect his place as the Beloved in order to continue being a good Lover. Even God adores the praises of his children. The Lover and the Beloved are ying and yang to each other and I am really just seeing the right-ness of this for myself.

Today I am the Beloved and it feels good.

The Dark Night of the Soul

2010-12-10T08:07:00.006-06:00

The Dark Night of the Soul is a spiritual phrase that has been used to describe the darkest most desolate phase of a person's life. During this period of your spiritual journey, you will experience immense pain, the feeling of "going crazy," falling apart, depression, anger, terror, helplessness, and complete isolation from others. Everything you once believed yourself to be is found to be no longer true. Everything you once turned to for comfort is either no longer there or has been exposed as a sham. You may feel lost, having nothing stable to lean on, not even God, because your view of Him has been shattered too. There is often also the fear that this will never end, almost like being lost in a deep dark woods, never to be found or make your way out. This is the Dark Night, Honey.

Many spiritual icons have been said to have experienced this. There is Saint John of the Cross who wrote the beautiful poem "The Dark Night of the Soul." Mother Theresa was also said to have experienced a very dark period of years, where she felt disconnected from God. This is an experience that spans across religions and ethnicities, a very human experience. For some it may last for months and for others it may last years. Many people believe that Jesus Christ experienced his own Dark Night on the cross when he cried out, "Oh God, why have You forsaken me?". Others believe his Dark Night may have been during his 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness when he suffered intense temptations.

The process that is occurring during this Dark Night is like a spiritual reconstruction surgery. Every piece and aspect of your Self-- your thoughts, internal constructs, foundational beliefs, feelings, and the basis for why you exist-- all of this is taken and completely shattered. It hurts like hell. This is a gross oversimplification of the spiritual process taking place, but God is essentially re-building you from the ground up. You are being given no blueprint as to how this will turn out nor even do you have the wherewithal to understand that you will survive. All you can really do is continue to put one foot in front of the other and believe that God is doing a holy work in you and you will emerge from this dark forest. You WILL emerge from this dark forest. I love this excerpt from Saint John of the Cross's poem:

O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover.

In looking back, Saint John was able to recognize his darkest period as an awesome journey that took him into true union with God.

I struggle with knowing what to do for someone who is in their Dark Night. Really there is very little I can do. It is their own journey, one that has to be walked out with their own courage and requires their complete reliance on a God they can barely feel. In my experience with people in this period of their lives, and from my own very profound experience, people can be really nasty during this stage. A person in pain often lashes out, can be highly inappropriate, rude, and ineffective as a parent, friend, or employee. When you no longer have even the internal human construct of good manners to hold you back, you may say and do some horrible and shocking things. I understand the inner chaos a person is experiencing and know that these offensive behaviors are not personally intended toward me or anyone else. Nonetheless, they can really cut and I wonder how much I am expected to withstand! I am beginning to understand that along with the deep compassion I feel for a person walking through the Dark Night, I must also hold a firm line with someone who is flailing about during this stage. I don't shame or guilt-trip a person for their behavior but I also am not required to tolerate or turn a blind-eye if I see someone I love engaging in harmful activities during this stage.

I'd like to re-post the first poem I ever published here on my blog. I wrote this after emerging from my own Dark Night of the Soul and offer it as encouragement to anyone who may be walking through this difficult time:

Coming Out

When you are running--
a shadow of yourself running from
and to yourself
frightened by a ghost self
in brambles the ache scratches
your body when you try to escape--
when you are running.
Just stay on your feet.
Know the darkness in its fullest
reach into the deep of the black
pour the anointing of the pain over
your head.
Keep running.
This is not night that comes and
goes in cycles with day, this
is suffering. This is
your very self at
its cellular level expanding and
constricting in its own rhythm.
If you can hear me there,
know that light will come when
darkness inks away
a self will emerge cracked
still running. It
will be blinding just as
the darkness is blinding.
Behind your forest wall
steady follow this scent
thick with heavy evergreen.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=dark%20woods&order=9&offset=120#/d1x790t

What's This About Sin?

2010-11-29T07:30:00.009-06:00

The word "sin" has such a negative connotation to it. It brings images to mind of a naked man and woman in the Garden of Eden or images of sweaty preachers screaming about hell. Sin-- well, it's just so religious. Just as there is a God in heaven, there is a devil in hell, and I am certain that devil must giggle with glee at this religious connotation. It is this connotation that waters the word down and turns it into an act done only by Old Testament characters not by anyone in the year 2010.

I believe that sin is the word for that broken place inside every human being. It is from our broken and wounded places that we come up with some of our worst ideas. Just by being born human, we are born with the capacity for being wounded. Our potential gets trampled by other human beings, often unknowingly and unintentionally. Nonetheless, who we should and could have been (peaceful and connected with God) is altered into someone who is broken and forever seeking to mend the breaks with people and activities that will never really mend it. Sin. If you were born into a family system, whether that includes a Mom and Dad or a group home director, you have been altered from the self God created you to be. Welcome to the human race. You are now a sinner, just because you were born. Sin is not just the mean-spirited and/or selfish behaviors we may engage in. Sin is any thought or feeling that takes you away from the peace and connection you were meant to have with God. There's nothing religious about that!

Really, my entire blog is a blog about sin. It's about addictions, lusts, revenge, anxiety, depression, and conflict. But there is some good news! This blog is also about getting cleaned up from sin. I can be healed of my addictions and mood swings. I don't have to spend the rest of my life finding some great new strategy to finally gain peace (although there are many wonderful things we can do). I don't have to spend the rest of my life white-knuckling it through cravings and withdrawal (although there may be necessary periods of this as well).
There is a wonderful verse that keeps this all so simple, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23, The Holy Bible, New International Version. It is through a simple and effortless faith that my wounded places are healed. This is a free gift from God, an extended hand to me and a promise to be made free from my own sin. I do nothing but just believe it.

The 12 Steps guide us through this healing. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others, alcohol, food, narcotics, sex and love, SIN. I cannot heal myself. Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There is a power that can heal what I cannot. Step Three: Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I love the kindness and the room for error in Step Three. We've all got such clouded understandings of God. Our God view has been distorted by misguided Sunday school teachers, by negligent fathers or abusive mothers, by rule-bound and shame-based churches. I don't know that my own distorted views will ever be made clear, but I just have to believe one thing about Jesus-- I can turn my will and my life over to Him and He'll take care of this sin problem. I can believe that!

Photos above found at:
Adam and Eve
Helping Hand

Intimacy: Do It Afraid

2010-11-13T12:31:00.008-06:00

A reader recently asked for some specific tools in learning to tolerate intimacy. Intimacy, the sharing of your genuine self with another and experiencing the genuineness of another, can feel wonderful and also very scary. In those simple moments of intimacy, one can feel so vulnerable. When we expose our soft spots, there is the risk of that fragile place being crushed by another. This is especially true for those of us who have been crushed in the past. Having offered entry into your true self and having it trashed, one can become cynical, even downright phobic of trying again.

Being a 12 Stepper, I hold a firm belief in a Higher Power and my Higher Power is God. I believe God desires for us to have intimacy first and foremost with Him and there is a holy place within us reserved for God alone. Beyond that, I also believe he desires for us to enjoy intimacy with other trusting people, and God offers continual comfort and healing for the times we will be hurt by others in the process. Being intimate always requires the risk of being hurt or disappointed, and the reward is always worth the risk. Yes, you will be hurt. It's just part of the process. You will survive and heal from these hurts.

Here are a few tools for those of you who are ready to remain open to the wonderful gift of intimacy but often feel afraid and want to pull back:

1. Simply Be Present In moments of intimacy (whatever that might be, conversation, quiet times together, eye contact, sex, etc.)when you feel the anxiety begin to rise, simply remain present. Stay in the moment and just observe it. Notice the sights and sounds of the moment. Simply observe them, identify them (i.e., my husband is wearing blue, the TV is on in the other room, my left knee aches). Sometimes identifying the simpler components of a moment can reduce the anxiety of it. Let the pressure of the moment recede while you identify these smaller components.

2. Breathe and Soothe When the anxiety begins to rise, take a deep breath in for as long as you can hold it, then release for as long as you can release it. Take several of these belly-deep breathes and speak in a soothing voice to yourself inwardly such things as "I am OK right now," "these moments are good for me and my partner," "nothing bad is happening right now," "I am just fine, I can do this, this is good." Relax, breathe, and soothe yourself with kind words. Talk yourself gently through it. You have to learn to tolerate the moment rather than escape it. When you don't escape the anxiety, you find that it reaches a peak, then begins to recede. After you have tolerated and talked yourself through the anxiety, you can gain confidence over it.

3. Daily Alone Time with God I say daily because you probably need this frequent practice if intimacy is difficult for you. How do you expect to feel OK sharing deeper parts of yourself with another when you cannot even experience those deeper parts when alone? Sit quietly with God and feel his acceptance of every single part of you. As you learn to feel OK with all of you, then you will grow more comfortable sharing that with others. It takes a little time and patience with yourself.

4. Practice Be willing to put yourself in situations of intimacy that make you uncomfortable. These are wonderful opportunities to practice. Don't worry about whether or not you are doing it "right," only be proud of yourself for continuing to try. Pat yourself on the back and cheer yourself on, "I am so brave doing this. So many people never show this kind of willingness to grow, but I want more intimacy!" And this is true, many people struggle with this step-- practicing. It's just too hard, so they make excuses for why they cannot go on that date, excuses for why they need to work a couple hours late rather than go home to the wife, make excuses for why they cannot talk with family when they do come home.

These 4 strategies are loosely based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)pioneered by Marsha Linehan. I use these strategies with clients coping with many different types of anxiety.

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d1dqgwk

Cravings in Haiku

2010-11-05T07:47:00.004-05:00

People pleaser, love
junkie, hollow shell, come step
fully inside me.

Adoration fiend
pristine slate of an addict
feenin for praise crack

hitting it again,
the good stuff of words that love.
Don't get in my way.

Picture above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=drug addict&order=9&offset=48#/d14f2h8

Life Changing Moment

2010-10-15T18:05:00.001-05:00

I've decided I need to watch this video monthly to keep things in perspective.

Recovery Slogans That Made a Difference!

2010-10-14T07:36:00.008-05:00

I want to share some of the recovery slogans and sayings I've heard that have played an important role in my becoming a healthy individual. These are the ones that really pegged me and helped me move forward. Feel free to comment and share your own!

1. What other people think of me is none of my business.
2. One day at a time...
3. Do the next right thing.
4. Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
5. I'd rather be a resentment than have one.
6. Detach with love and detach from the outcome.
7. Change happens in the order of the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, THEN action.
8. When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.
9. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.
10. My diseased mind cannot heal my own diseased mind.
11. Listen.
12. Keep the focus on yourself.
13. Principles above personalities.
14. My peace is MY peace.
15. Progress not perfection.
16. Clean up your side of the street.
17. You made a mistake-- welcome to the human race.
18. Just because you made a mistake does not mean you are one.
19. Sometimes "helping" is only a nice way of "controlling."
20. Human BE-ing rather than Human Do-ing.

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2nq7yy

Bottom Line Behaviors: The Gentle Path

2010-09-30T07:51:00.009-05:00

Here's a question asked by many sex and love addicts-- how do I know what my bottom line behavior is? For an alcoholic, it's a little more simple, they stop drinking. For a sex and love addict, it could be a whole host of behaviors that are creating emotional drunkenness, and what these behaviors are for one love addict can be different from the next love addict. A bottom line behavior is a behavior that, when engaged in, leads to loss of self. Engaging in this behavior can prevent the addict from experiencing valid and necessary feelings of anger, grief, or even intimacy. The bottom line behavior is sometimes used as a smoke screen to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of anger, grief, or intimacy. Engaging in the bottom line behavior tends to bring an immediate relief, an ah-h-h-h feeling, at least in the early stages of addiction. As addiction progresses, an addict often has to engage in more of this behavior or more intense forms of it to achieve the "high."

When a sex and love addict is ready to get clean, he/she must decide what their bottom line behaviors are and make the conscious decision to avoid those behaviors. Most commonly, these behaviors might be ceasing excessive masturbation, ceasing extra-marital affairs, or ceasing the use of pornography, etc. If you are an addict trying to define your bottom line behaviors, ask yourself these questions, "What is the behavior that, if I stop doing it, I'm going to feel like I'm going crazy? What behavior, at the thought of no longer doing it, makes me almost panic? What behavior, when I stop doing it, is immediately going to send me into emotional withdrawal symptoms?" Whatever you answer to these questions-- that's your bottom line behavior.

Here are a few important things to remember before launching yourself into withdrawal and ceasing your newly identified bottom line behavior:

1. Have a solid support system in place. Be prepared to attend your 12 step meetings as often as possible while going through withdrawal. Have the phone numbers of several recovery friends who can provide support and be very kind to yourself during this difficult time. Seek your Higher Power daily. Do not attempt to go through withdrawal alone and on your own will power-- that's just cruel.

2. Know it is OK to modify and add behaviors to your bottom line list as your progress through recovery. You are not expected by your Higher Power to know all of your bottom line behaviors in the early phases of recovery, maybe not in your entire lifetime! As you gradually survive varying phases of withdrawal from one behavior after another, you will most likely recognize other behaviors that also create emotional crazies. For example, after 3 months of successfully ending an abusive relationship, you recognize that having fantasies of that person also has deep emotional effects on you. Continuing to engage in fantasies of that person is like drinking a poison and you feel sick or out of sorts the remainder of the day. You have just learned that fantasizing about this past partner is a new bottom line behavior that should be avoided to maintain emotional sobriety.

Recognizing your bottom line behaviors and maintaining sobriety from them may sound like a complicated and daunting task. Yes, it can feel very overwhelming at times, causing an addict to just want to throw in the towel. Always remember the practices of gentleness and kindness toward yourself in recovery. You can be firm and discipline yourself in love and humility, not out of punitive shame. Identify the bottom line behaviors and know that abstaining from them is leading you down the path toward your true self. Ceasing bottom line behaviors is an act of love toward yourself not a punishment. You do this because not doing it could mean death or loss of sanity. You do it because today you want to hold onto your serenity. Knowing your bottom line behaviors and respecting their destructive power is a life preserver in recovery.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=gentle path&order=9&offset=24#/d2qvad7

Fourteen Year-Old Girl

2010-08-20T19:49:00.003-05:00

This particular girl
(you don't know her, but
I do)
she is alone
she doesn't know this yet.
I know it for her and weep.
She is only fourteen
already with multiple
sex partners
the scars arch sideways up
her wrists and forearms, the
residue of abandonment.
When with her my tears harden
like stones,
like hers. When with her
a golden string of knowing extends
from my heart.
She cuts it too.
Who should know this deep a
gorge at only
fourteen?
Who should have their panties
ripped away
their fathers curse and
turn their backs,
the building stones of identity
kicked like trash to
the curb?
No one.
When I am with her
we hold this
together before she knows
she is being known--
leaves us both.
She doesn't know this yet, but
she is really
not alone.

By Melissa Greene
photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=lonely%20teenage%20girl&order=9&offset=72#/dmr12k

Being Humam 101

2010-08-18T13:59:00.010-05:00

It's been a little while since I've come here to blah onto the page. This is such an effective and useful coping tool for me, I should come here more often. I hope that I do. I've got lots of ideas, inspirations, and recent events floating around in my head that I could write, but I often give my own sweet self this advice, "First thing's first and one thing at a time." Ok, well, I kinda melded that statement based on good things I heard at various Alanon meetings. :-)

Let's talk about being human for a little while. Why is it I keep forgetting that I am a human being? I absolutely do this and work with families and children who do this. I do not want to just BE. I want to be DOING something. I want solutions and an action step to work on. Just tell me what to DO and I will fix anything. This is my hope, but not at all the way my Creator made me to function. I was created with these annoying things called feelings that seem to have no other function but interrupting my attempts at being a Super Hero. If I just wasn't feeling so overwhelmed I would be able to attend one more meeting and keep people happy. If I just wasn't feeling so angry, I could do your job for you again today and keep the peace. But, no, being human stops that every time.

Here is what I have learned about humanness-- If I try to push myself beyond my own reasonable capacity, it will always end in depression and anxiety. It might take a few months before I wind up there or even a few years for some people, but it never ends good. I cannot deny myself of basic human self-care for extended periods of time and think there are no consequences for that. By basic human self-care, I mean we take care of our bodies. We eat healthy, avoid excesses of all kinds, sleep, and get routine medical care. But I also, and especially, mean taking care of our feelings. Our creator gave us these beautiful, fragile, and indispensable feelings that are there for our own good. Although our feelings are not FACTS, they are ours, completely and utterly ours. It is not weak to have feelings nor is it weak to attend to them the same way I would attend to my body's needs.

I want to clarify that I don't mean I coddle my feelings. Caring for them means I first acknowledge that they are present! Feelings become loud and dangerous when routinely ignored. Then I listen to them and hear where they are coming from. Honestly, for me, that usually settles them down pretty quickly. Our feelings are our friends. Our feelings want to let us know when we are being taken advantage of. Our feelings want to let us know when there is a hurt that needs to just spill for a little while. Our feelings are there to act as friendly guides, especially the uncomfortable feelings like grief, anger, and loneliness.

When I ignore the friendly and helpful feelings of grief, anger, or loneliness, they evolve into the crazed and unhelpful feelings of depression and anxiety. How many times do I need to ignore my feelings and watch them turn into depression and anxiety before I finally get it? If I could count how many times I've done this in the past, it would have to add up into the thousands. I am HUMAN and it is good to have feelings and respect them. Today I will choose to honor even the uncomfortable feelings because I love myself. It may have take 30+ years, but I finally figured out how to derail some depression and anxiety!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=being human&order=9&offset=24#/dt1ydn

Arrival

2010-07-10T09:54:00.002-05:00

Morning, a glass door, flashes
Gold names off the new city,
Whose white shelves and domes travel
The slow sky all day.
I land to stay here;
And the windows flock open
And the curtains fly out like doves
And a past dries in a wind.

Now let me lie down, under
A wide-branched indifference,
Shovel-faces like pennies
Down the back of the mind,
Find voices coined to
An argot of motor-horns,
And let the cluttered-up houses
Keep their thick lives to themselves.

For this ignorance of me
Seems a kind of innocence.
Fast enough I shall wound it:
Let me breathe till then
Its milk-aired Eden,
Till my own life impound it-
Slow-falling; grey-veil-hung; a theft,
A style of dying only.

By Philip Larkin
Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=curtains blowing&order=9&offset=24#/d188q6r

Writing You Down

2010-07-02T16:07:00.005-05:00

I reach again and again
for the pen
hoping to shape you in
black and white
hold you firm as the
cool metal of the pen then
create you
again and again.
Furiously slashing at the pages to
conjure your face though
you never see me.
I want to be seen and reach
again and again for
this pen.

Each time I come here blank
lines exhale, the
anticipation this time
something will rise like mist from them
a clouded vision in a crystal ball. Suddenly
I will see it
the familiar unshaven cheek, your
bottom lip bitten between
my two lips
your fingers thick
in my fingers.

I fly here as on a plane each time
arriving hours in advance for
the flight, meet you, then
race to the airport nearly
late at each departure. So
many times
coming here, leaving here
the lonely of good-bye still bitter on
my tongue
from last time.
I cannot do this again

yet I am reaching
into the page where
black ink spirals downward
into nothing--
the addiction of believing you into existence
any time I want, losing more
of myself
every time I find you.

by Melissa Greene
Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=black+ink#/daoocf

Midwife to Tears

2010-06-30T10:23:00.007-05:00

As a therapist, you know it's been a good week of productive therapy when you've gone through an entire box of Kleenex in your office. This is not to say that tears alone produce healing or progress, but I know that tears sometimes will break down barriers. I have many clients that all began treatment with me around March of this year and all of them are reaching a similar place in treatment right now-- hitting the core. It's been emotionally draining for me to help them contain the heaviness of what we are reaching. It never fails to amaze me, though, watching the human spirit heal itself. I am in awe each time it happens, kind of like the miracle of watching a child being born. It's really beautiful to watch someone travail in pain, produce a nugget of truth, work through it, and emerge someone whole. I love my job!

I wonder-- what is it about tears? I have seen some people whose tears seem to be meaningless. They cry over most anything, all the time, to no benefit. The tears have come to mean nothing and produce nothing. It's like they are stuck in grief and crying. That's a very sad place to be. More often, however, particularly with children, I find those people who refuse to cry. I can't tell you the number of people I have met in therapy who tell me crying is for wussies, both girls and boys alike. It's unfortunate that somewhere in their lives they have been given this message. It really requires great strength to let yourself cry. You have to have the confidence of knowing you can contain yourself within the grief. Crying is a release and, thus, a trusting that as you let this part of yourself go, there will still be a self standing once the tears stop. For most of us who have this innate understanding of tears, that they come and they go, we are able to allow them to work for us as needed. Imagine what it's like for those who never get that release and how terrifying it must be to believe you cannot cry for fear of losing yourself.

This week I've had the wonderful opportunity to play midwife to the tears of children. It's been such an honor to sit by them and coach the tears that have been welling for years. We have sat together in the quiet while tears crowned and spilled. I am so proud of these little people who finally felt brave enough to let that part of themselves go. They have learned crying is not weak. From a place of true strength, they have allowed the tears to do their own work. No one has been lost this week, but with the help of a box of Kleenex, lots of people were found. :-)

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2gav1c

The Escape

2010-06-06T21:00:00.003-05:00

Wade in the water, children,
beneath the twinkling drinking gourd move
like fire your feet through the lapping freedom.
Don't stop till sweet Ohio grass
brushes your ankles, wade, wade,
God's gonna trouble the waters.

You'll see Mr. Johnson's girl standing
in white, free as the children of
the Israelite, let your steps thrush
the ground
their energy quiet and swift
the same energy of the sun
pounding your back the day before
while splintered fingers dig
for cotton seed.

There is one chance
for the angels to stir the pool
fall deep into its healing
the very soul of God
freeing first the spirit now
the body. Be sure
you get your chance this year
Wade in the water, children,
wade wade.

by Melissa Greene

photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?qh=§ion=&q=African+American+slavery#/d23lh0h

A Week Later

2010-06-06T20:50:00.002-05:00

A week later, I said to a friend: I don't
think I could ever write about it.
Maybe in a year I could write something.
There is something in me maybe someday
to be written; now it is folded, and folded,
and folded, like a note in school. And in my dream
someone was playing jacks, and in the air there was a
huge, thrown, tilted jack
on fire. And when I woke up, I found myself
counting the days since I had last seen
my husband-only two years, and some weeks,
and hours. We had signed the papers and come down to the
ground floor of the Chrysler Building,
the intact beauty of its lobby around us
like a king's tomb, on the ceiling the little
painted plane, in the mural, flying. And it
entered my strictured heart, this morning,
slightly, shyly as if warily,
untamed, a greater sense of the sweetness
and plenty of his ongoing life,
unknown to me, unseen by me,
unheard, untouched-but known, seen,
heard, touched. And it came to me,
for moments at a time, moment after moment,
to be glad for him that he is with the one
he feels was meant for him. And I thought of my
mother, minutes from her death, eighty-five
years from her birth, the almost warbler
bones of her shoulder under my hand, the
eggshell skull, as she lay in some peace
in the clean sheets, and I could tell her the best
of my poor, partial love, I could sing her
out with it, I saw the luck
and luxury of that hour.

by Sharon Olds

photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=broken hearts&order=9&offset=0#/d127m5q

Kids Gone Mad

2010-05-22T09:20:00.010-05:00

I had a conversation with a colleague of mine this week, a psychiatrist who has been providing treatment to children for at least 35+ years. I was telling him about the difference of opinion I was having with some of my staff, regarding children who "act disrespectful" in sessions. I tend to believe that children should be able to come into therapy and feel free to say or do whatever they please during their 50-minute session. I have co-workers who do not allow tantrums or sass and are appalled that I allow that. It gets very frustrating sometimes. This doctor laughed at me and said, "We were debating that 30 years ago!"

So apparently this has been a source of conflict among psychotherapists for some time now. I don't think I can argue the other side with real conviction, but from what I understand, these therapists feel you are reinforcing negative behavior by allowing tantrums in session. For example, a child comes into therapy and begins to yell and curse about her Mom making her share a room with her little sister. There are some therapists who would say, "I know you're mad about this, but I don't allow that kind of language in here. It's not appropriate for a 12 year-old to curse like that. If you want to stay here, you need to calm down and stop yelling, so we can talk about this." One of my co-workers has explained to me that she is establishing "good boundaries" with this client and "I don't allow people to yell and curse like that at me, and this child is no different than anyone else." I can actually see the logic in this argument. It is perhaps teaching the child to get control of herself and emphasizing the importance of showing respect with adults. In this scenario, I would also say the therapist was calmly setting parameters for the therapy sessions.

Faced with a similar scenario, I tend to encourage the child's expression of this anger and may even repeat her words to show that I do not judge her anger. For example, after the child has made some loud "inappropriate" comments about Mom, I repeat it back to her with similar conviction, "You think that bitch is just favoring your brother again and you are very mad about it!" Often this diffuses children right away, because they're shocked to hear their therapist cursing. After several instances of this, however, the child becomes settled in knowing that their anger and tirades are not going to be shut down or judged, and they will express themselves freely. After several sessions of this, I've seen children gain a comfort in knowing that their anger is heard and respected in this room by this therapist, and the need to yell and curse about things tends to diminish. I think it's important to note that there has to be some realistic limits to what a child can do in treatment. These limitations should not feel restrictive and are there to keep the child safe and to protect property from being damaged.

I take this stance because I want children to bring all their ugly stuff into therapy. I want them to say the vile things for which other therapists might reprimand them. It's my opinion that giving a child this kind of freedom, allows them the space to bring everything that is inside to the outside. There we can look at it all without judgment, and children tend to sort it out for themselves. The fear of many therapists is that aggressive behavior acted out in therapy may transfer to the home or school environment. I will say that I have not had this happen. It seems that working freely through the anger in sessions actually decreases the need and desire to do it elsewhere. Often when children have been allowed to cut up drawing pictures of siblings or beat up dolls of Daddy, they have come back to me later and reported improved relationships with these people. Anyway, that's the debate!

I feel really passionate about allowing this sort of freedom of expression, because I see it work so well. I work with a 9 year-old girl who shares deeply painful memories of bullying and abandonment by Mom only after her puppet doll "beats me up" for about the first 10 minutes of therapy. I've seen another 10 year-old boy gain insight on his own about jealousy toward his sister, only after I allowed him to dump an entire bin of toys on my floor, toss them around for 40 minutes saying, "THIS is my anger!" With this child, all I had to do was stand by to ensure safety and validate as much as I could, "this is your anger! It's a lot! It's big and very messy!"

I have to say that, as a therapist, you must be really comfortable with your own anger to allow such expressions from other people. I've clipped some shrubs to pieces "working out my mads" and scrubbed some tubs to a sparkling shine while crying it out. I have to believe this has allowed me firsthand experience of physically kneading through emotions, letting them run through my body and my words until they are spent. Perhaps if a kind therapist had allowed and encouraged this from me years ago, I wouldn't have struggled with it as an adult. Nonetheless, my landscaping looks great these days! So, the debate "rages" on, so to speak, and I will continue to encourage my little people clients to come on in and let it on out.

Photo above found at:
http://nii-tan.deviantart.com/art/Tantrum-98119082?q=boost%3Apopular+tantrum&qo=56

12 Steps to the 23rd Psalm

2010-05-14T21:27:00.007-05:00

I had a really neat thought today. Have you ever noticed that the 12 steps and the 23 Psalm actually go hand in hand? They move through the same succession. Check this out:

1. We admitted we were powerless over (insert addiction), that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Admitting powerlessness, developing faith in a higher power, and putting your life in God's hands: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Psalm 23:1-3

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Became entirely ready to have him remove these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

Getting real about your own "stuff," and letting God begin to clean you out: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became ready to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

Making it right with those you've hurt, being set free from the past, relying on the power of God and the steps to continue the healing: "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." Psalm 23:5

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." Psalm 23:6

Isn't God so clever?

Photo above found at:
http://niavaah.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-129447306

Resignation Tendered

2010-05-12T07:36:00.006-05:00

Hello blogger friends! It's good to come back to this blank page and "blah" a little bit. Like most of us at some point in our lives, I have been spending a significant amount of time these last few months actively pursuing a personal dream. This is a career dream that I have held for as long as I can remember, even back to my childhood. In these last few months, it has been almost surreal watching what has been only a picture in my imagination become a reality in my life. It has been scary and exciting, both joyous and nerve-wracking. Just in this last month, however, the building of my dream has come to a screeching halt.

I have hit what seems to be an insurpassable roadblock. There is no way through this one. I've come upon other roadblocks on this course, and, with some some time and determination, have been able to make it through. This one, however, remains firm. I am slowly coming into the realization that this just is not going to happen for me. My dream is dying and this is tough-- really, really tough.

Yesterday, in my car driving home, I turned off my radio and just began to pray. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like this, "God, you know my heart, and you know that I am saying these words from a place of true sincerity and not an attempt to force anything from you. If it's your perfect will for me, I am asking and trust that you will remove this roadblock. I will do my part and wait patiently for you to swoop down with your powerful hands and make this happen for me! You are well able to remove this obstacle right now in the name of Jesus. You can do this and I know you love me and want me happy!" I paused while a giant "but" bubbled up into my prayer. "But if you do not remove this roadblock, I will accept that. I will go where you want me to go and be the woman you want me to be, wherever you want me to be that." I began to feel gratitude build in my chest, "after all you have done for me, I can give this dream to you, God. It's really not much for you to ask, after all. If you want me to give this up to you, and that's your plan for me, I will do it. I love you and just want you to be pleased with me. I'm not perfect, although I try to be daily to no avail (God knows I'm a perfectionist despite His grace :-) ). Really, at the end of the day, and at the end of this life, my dreams are such a small thing. All that really matters to me is that you can say you're pleased with me. If this is all you ask of me, I'll do it for you, Lord."

In the course of that prayer something clicked in me. This career dream I have is but one pie slice in the pie of my life. It is not the entire pie. God has done amazing, truly amazing and miraculous things in many of the other pie slices. I'm so grateful for that. Yes, I'd love to have every pie slice just the way I want it, and maybe God will do that. I'm sure He'd love to really show out in my life and He's done it many times before, BUT if He doesn't... who am I to complain, really?

Suddenly, I remembered Abraham and how he was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac. This was the son he for whom he had prayed and believed for nearly a hundred years! This was the one thing he had always wanted from God more than anything else, a son, and he finally got it. Now God was asking Abraham to sacrifice him. It was always so inexplicable to me how Abraham was able to take his highly prized son out to be sacrificed, without question, without hesitation! What?! I always read that story and thought, "Wow, what amazing faith! Abraham must have know that God would not really do this to him and that a true sacrifice would be provided in the end." Ultimately, that is what happened. Just as Isaac was laid upon the sacrificial fire, a lamb appears from the bushes as the sacrifice. Today, for the first time ever, I see this story in a completely different light. After years and years of waiting on God, trusting in God, watching God work, trial and error, trial and error, a believer learns very acutely what it feels like to be apart from God. I have struck out on my own way many times only to crash and burn. It's no fun.

For me, and maybe even for Abraham, I believe, it's not faith alone but also reaching a place of resignation with God. I don't mean a hopeless, angry kind of resignation. I'm talking about a resignation that, when asked to give up to God a seemingly essential part of SELF, says, "I thought I needed this, but really, if you want it, it's better if you just take it. I'll give you whatever you need just to stay with you, even this. In fact, in the grander scheme of things, this is a very small thing to give you. My entire life is right here on the sacrificial fire. Just take it all... including THIS," whatever THIS might be in your life.

I apologize if I may sound a little preachy today or overly "religious" for some. Although I have my particular spiritual views, I don't ever intend to try to force those on other people. I want to allow everyone the space to make and find their own spiritual path. Please know that the sharing of my particular struggle is just that... my own personal struggle, and not intended to be a sermon on the mount. One of my earliest intentions for this blog was a selfish one-- a place to rant and philosophize as self-indulgently as is personally necessary! We all need the space to do that and sometimes knowing that our words are being heard is very validating. Thanks for validating me today. :-)

Photo above found at:

http://rhomemusic.deviantart.com/art/365-Days-Day-403-153233219

Blessed Is the Match

2010-04-15T21:26:00.004-05:00

Blessed is the match, consumed in kindling flame.
Blessed is the flame that burns in the heart's secret places.
Blessed is the heart that knows, for honors sake, to stop its beating.
Blessed is the match, consumed in kindling flame.

By Hannah Senesh

http://astore.amazon.com/poetryshoah-20/detail/1580232124

I've Got a Right to Be Wrong

2010-04-10T12:00:00.008-05:00

Today just wrap your arms around yourself. Go ahead, do it. Love on your sweet imperfect self, sway back and forth, and dance to this little tune by Joss Stone. When I first started developing a real SELF, this song made me smile from the inside. She says, "I've got a right to be wrong. I've been held down too long. I'm flesh and blood down to the bone, not made of stone. I gotta sing my own song. I might be singing off key, but it sure sounds good to me." Gotta love it! We are human beings. We are supposed to make mistakes. We are supposed to sign up for crap, then halfway through realize it's crap and change our mind. We have the right to change our minds halfway through the crap. We have the right to have unconscious selfish motives, then forgive ourselves and ask God for healing. We have the right to mistakes and to be wrong. Enjoy this, friends, and give yourself some sweet love today.

Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts

2010-04-09T10:40:00.005-05:00

O Sisyphus, O Tantalus

So there it is, the fact of life,
a heart is not so hard to break.
And twisted, tragic irony
will indeed a good story make
but won't seal the eggshell
cracked and bleeding blood-red yoke –
thus the breaker and the broken spoke.

O Sisyphus, I feel your pain –
despite myself, I lift the rock again
and beat myself over the head:
he said, she said, I thought… I wish
I had not forgotten to bury the dead,
to take out the trash, and sleep
where I chose to make my bed.

Time heals all wounds but those that fester:
like Tantalus (of tantalizing)
the fruit still beckons, aggrandizing
dreams of what may have come to be
had Hubris not yet taken hold,
made me reach for all that gold
when all along we shared the Midas touch.

Irony, you stupid bitch, I'll tear your heart
out of your chest, just let me rest
and think these happy thoughts;
happy thoughts not to forget but overlay
the spite, the void, the shame, those days
I bit off more than I could chew
and lost a tooth, and took it out on you.

By Anonimous Mistake at
http://sintaxandsemantix.blogspot.com/2010/02/happy-thoughts-happy-thoughts.html

Photo above found at
http://skittishsynapses.deviantart.com/art/See-you-when-I-get-there-38874626

Magical Thinking

2010-03-18T07:42:00.005-05:00

I've started doing some extra work, some initial assessments and outpatient therapy with more children. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am finding that this work is feeding me spiritually! Now I understand what Paul meant when he said "though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are growing day by day." As always, God knows just what I need and when I need it. Let me tell you this great story about a little boy I saw the other day.

This child is 8 years old and has a history of abuse and neglect. In our second session, he and I are playing, and I am watching for themes to begin to emerge in his play. Being the analytical adult I am, I am watching for themes of aggression, control, or anger. I am watching for re-enactments of abuse scenarios and perhaps bringing his perpetrator into our play. He surprises me, however, and points out that a little monster doll sitting in the corner is another child at school who has been bullying him. I walk my little princess doll over to Woody, the character he has chosen to represent himself, and say, "Hey, go over there and tell him to go away!" This child looks me in the eye terrified and says, "No, you do it." I realize that this child is not looking to exercise control or aggression. He just wants to feel protected by the adults in his life, so I tell him, "No problem. Let me take care of this." I walk my princess doll over to that monster and give him a thrashing of the MOST epic of proportions. He gets beat, kicked, punched, and utterly destroyed. All the while my client is laughing and jumping with glee. His joy is infectious and I begin laughing too. I tell that little monster, "There, take that! And if you ever mess with my friend again, I'll come back and do the same thing again! Now get out of here!" We take that monster and hide him behind a stack of books. I can tell that the mother, who is looking on, doesn't know whether to laugh with us or be horrified.

That was last week, so I was excited to see my little friend again this week. I ask his Mom how things have been and she says she's seeing improvement. I ask my client about the bully and he smiles and says, "Oh, we're friends now." This is the power of a child's magical thinking and the magic of play! It is so refreshing to me, watching the innocence with which children mold their little worlds. They don't need to read a book about bullies or go to the seminar. They don't need to call a meeting or talk it out-- not that there is anything at all wrong with those methods of change. But those are adult methods.

I'm being reminded of the child's methods of change, which require immense faith. Children make magical connections where none seem to exist in the real world. Sometimes this is to their detriment, such as making the erroneous connection that Dad left the home because they (the child) were not smart enough or assuming they are being abused because they are bad children. I am being reminded through these precious little kids, sometimes feeling good is as simple as just believing it to exist. Sometimes feeling powerful is thrashing a stuffed doll or, in my case, defeating a sink full of dishes. Somewhere along the way, we lose some of the magic of thinking, and I'm so grateful to be reminded I can still pick that skill up when I need it. If I want to feel peaceful today, it starts with a little play. When the little girl inside me is laughing with delight, just like my client the other day, you know it's going to be a great day.

Photo above found at:
http://throwing-colors.deviantart.com/art/Monsters-99556578

Selling Myself Short?

2010-03-04T07:59:00.010-06:00

I have really had the strangest dreams lately. My husband says to me, "Oh, God, do I really have to hear about your dreams?" The concept of dreams having meaning seems like a foolish one to him. I, however, believe strongly that most of our dreams are not just refuse from the day. They actually are telling us something! I believe our subconscious minds pick up images, words, non-verbal cues, and all sorts of juicy tidbits from the day that the conscious mind is either too busy or too defended to really see. Then at night, the subconscious pieces together the images and clues into a story that often seems nonsensical. Perhaps my husband thinks this is crazy, but I just happen to have generations of brilliant psychoanalysts who agree with me on this... so there. I guess you can imagine what the arguments around my house sound like, poor hubby.

Back to my VERY fascinating dream... so, I dream I am back in the home I grew up in. I'm an adult living back at home with Mom and I'm growing hundreds of tomatoes (FYI, any time you're dreaming about your childhood home or family of origin... pay close attention). I simply grow these hundreds of tomatoes and most of them rot on the vine. I'm doing nothing meaningful with them apart from just growing them. I will occasionally enjoy a few of the tomatoes for myself, but there are just so many of them that most of them go to waste. One day, in the dream, I realize, "Hey, I should really be doing something with all these tomatoes. These are really gorgeous, and there are people who would probably like to have them." So, I decide to sell them to a local woman at a farmer's market. She re-sells the tomatoes and we split the profit. I go into the yard and am struck by how many of these darned tomatoes I actually have. I begin plucking them from the vines and realize they are real gems. Some are fat and deep red, others are smaller and perfect. They vary in shade and size, but they all seem wonderful to me. I gather several bags and go inside the house and declare my intentions to my Mom who says, "Why would you do something like that? You could take those tomatoes straight to people yourself and not have to split the profit! Lots of people would buy those from you." I get very angry at her criticism and reiterate the fact that I WANT to sell them to the lady at the farmer's market.

As I'm gathering the tomatoes, I recognize there is one really exotic kind growing in the yard. In my dream, I call them black cherry tomatoes. They are so deep red they actually look black. They are bursting with flavor and so beautiful. I know they lady at the farmer's market will be excited about the opportunity to sell these. I take her my produce and she is, in fact, very excited at what I've brought. When she sees the black cherry tomatoes, however, she seems a little reluctant and is just examining them. I am marveling at their beauty and say, "They're amazing, aren't they?" She hesitates and just says, "Well... I don't know if anyone will really be interested in these." She estimates her profits and pays me. I leave feeling a little let-down and thinking maybe my Mom was right.

So, that's the dream and it has stuck with me for days. Out of curiosity, I googled black cherry tomatoes this morning and discovered that this is an actual tomato. This is what they look like in reality, beautiful, huh?

I think it's difficult for me to interpret my own dreams, because my own conscious mind will filter out some of the obvious interpretations. On the surface of things though, I think the dream is a reflection of the growth I have done in the past several years. I have actually become productive at work and at home. I have done tons of self-exploration and worked hard to address some character flaws and personal issues. Maybe for the first time in my life, I look around and see real fruit-- enough fruit to actually feed someone other than myself! The only problem is where and how to do that, I guess. I'm not real sure about that black cherry tomato. In the dream, I got the feeling that the tomato was so odd that it actually put people off. Now that I think about it, I can see how that's happening too in my reality! I'm open to your interpretations. I sense this dream is an important one to me.

And should you come to my website and see "Get to the Inside: a psychotherapist's spiritual blend of psychology and agriculture," don't be surprised... I'm just saying.

Top photo found here:
http://bellecatastrophe.deviantart.com/art/Farmer-s-Market-Weekends-117520394

Stuck

2010-02-25T11:25:00.003-06:00

I am a slippery oiled fish on
a silver tray
plaster-eyed and glassy
skin gray as stone. I've known
a fish-bowled world and
time like a shiny black bomb ticking
to destruction.
You've got me sizzling orange,
stuck, thoughts thick as glue through
my veins
filled halfway now to alabaster pupil--
I lie here
cold as the fish-hooked lip
limp on this altar slab.

I have lots to say and
you really don't care.

Photo above found at:
http://saldaeanfarmgirl.deviantart.com/art/Fish-64210750

Love

2010-02-04T07:53:00.005-06:00

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails.

The Holy Bible, New International Version
I Corinthians 13: 1-8
Photo above found at:
http://moatasimkhalaf.deviantart.com/art/LOVE-56031932

How About a Little Compassion?

2010-01-27T18:28:00.008-06:00

As I was standing in the grocery line this evening, I browsed through this week's notable and highly-esteemed news source, In Touch magazine. I flipped through some photos of plastic women in overpriced dresses and the essential who's cheating on who articles until I reached the REAL news that spills the beans... Kate Gosselin is stressed! The magazine featured a photo of Kate popping one of her little one's in the mouth, reportedly after scolding the youngster. I didn't read the entire article but saw blurbs about how Kate is falling apart; Kate is reaching a boiling point with the kids; Kate is caught again roughing up the kids, etc. I do not regularly write about celebrities or current news, but this issue really needs to be addressed.

Here's what I know-- Kate Gosselin is a single mother of eight children, due to a humiliating, heart-wrenching divorce that dominated television and magazine headlines for months. Even if the divorce had not been a very public one, it was still a divorce. I'm very grateful I have never had to experience divorce and pray to God I never have to, but having watched many friends, family, and clients go through this hellacious struggle, I know it ain't pretty! Divorce is just about one of the toughest events a person can possibly face, even if the divorce is from a cheating, abusive, or just plain obnoxious spouse. It is still an ending of everything you once believed your life was going to be. This is made all the more agonizing when there are young children involved. Can you imagine the agony when there are EIGHT young children involved?

I do not ever want to try to excuse poor or abusive parenting. My point is this-- why is Kate Gosselin being stressed considered news? An article that went something like this would really be news: "After a public and grueling divorce, single mother of eight, Kate Gosselin, demonstrates patience and profound tolerance with her children. While on an outing with the eight children, a frenzy of paparazzi snapped photos of the cheerful, well-rested Kate embracing her children and laughing kindly at their sibling squabbles." Of course this woman is stressed! She is alone, and I would imagine angry, scared, humiliated, and emotionally disoriented! She is a human being. She is not perfect. Her husband is across the country jet-setting with his latest 20-something love affair, while she is trying to manage their children. Before we cast stones, let us consider for one moment what it must feel like to be Kate Gosselin.

We need a kinder, gentler world where we reserve judgement. We are all human and, thus, prone to mistakes. I thank God my mistakes are not broadcast on the evening news. Can you imagine going through some of your most difficult times and having reporters capturing your entire experience? Heaven forbid you show circles under your eyes, take the kids to school without any make-up on, or publicly discipline a child who just publicly acted a fool. How different our world could be if, for even one day, we reported from a place of compassion and understanding, and refrained from reporting intrusively on other people's life-altering and personal moments. I think the best reporter of Kate's demeanor, feelings, and behavior would be Kate herself, if and when she is ever willing to share her story.

When PTSD goes AWOL (PTSD, part 2)

2010-01-25T17:04:00.007-06:00

I think the most common and troubling PTSD I tend to see is in teens and/or adults who have experienced trauma (often multiple traumas) and has gone untreated for many years. Over the years they have developed a set of behaviors aimed at relieving their anxiety, which often includes various addictions. I also see that what began as PTSD symptoms (see previous post for a listing) has morphed into a post-traumatic stress personality. There may be minimal PTSD symptoms remaining years after the trauma(s) have occurred and in their place is an anxiety-ridden, angry monster in denial!

This is not to say that everyone who has ever experienced PTSD has his or her personality altered. And I also want to clarify that technically speaking, there is no such thing as post traumatic stress personality. This is just the name I have come up with to describe this type of personality. Typically this is a person who experienced multiple traumas, interwoven/complex traumas, or trauma that occurred repeatedly over a significant period of time. These traumas typically occurred at a young age, probably before age 8, and no one (including the child or adult in question ) has linked these past traumas to present day feelings. Usually these clients will say, "Oh, that happened a long time ago. I'm over it." This client has received no direct support, validation, or treatment related to the traumas they have experienced. The client has likely presented for treatment around age 17 due to frequent assaults on peers and teachers, chronic tension with a caregiver, inability to form attachments, and drug use. Usually these kids have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or possibly even Conduct Disorder (a disturbing diagnosis equivalent to Antisocial Personality Disorder for kids).

It is very common that these children or adults continue to have much chaos and drama in their lives, often at their own doing. Although they may no longer experience some of the acute symptoms of PTSD, the child or adult may engage in daily fights or sexual behavior that staves off the symptoms. The fighting or sexual behavior (or various other "delinquent" behaviors) have become reinforcing in themselves. They work! They keep people at a distance or get the desired attention. They provide immediate relief and maintain a certain level of required chaos. In some cases I see children or adults who seem to repeatedly re-create the original traumas. It is believed that many people do this in the desperate attempt to make right the past trauma. For example, a child who witnessed years of domestic violence may choose a violent partner as an adolescent, believing "my love will change him, this time it will be different, and I will feel BETTER." I also see adults who were victims of physical abuse grow up and have children who are abusive toward them. They have again become the victim within their own home. Another example is the child who was sexually abused who is highly sexualized as an adolescent and highly promiscuous. Particularly with sexual abuse, a child can have their internal sexual thermostat set to "high," and thus be easily aroused or sexually activated. We call this "sexually reactive."

If the adolescent or adult has developed an addiction in an effort to relieve PTSD, then treatment first has to deal with the addiction. This is very common. It is only natural that if you are experiencing intense anxiety, difficulty with relationships, sleep problems, or persistent hostility, you would want relief! Certainly you will get some quick relief from a drink or a hit of mary jane. Perhaps the addiction is one more subtle such as food, video games, relationships, or work. The addiction and the consequences of the addiction become troublesome themselves, wreaking havoc in the life of the addict. It becomes very difficult to address PTSD with someone who is afraid you're trying to take away their drug. Often clients are not open to the possibility of PTSD when the "drug" is keeping them from experiencing any anxiety. It is more likely that behavior and problems related to the increasingly dangerous addiction is what will lead this client into treatment.

Detox can be a piece of cake compared to the hard work of unraveling a PTSD personality. It is essential, however, that the client is willing to do the work of unraveling the knots of their personality if they want to prevent relapse in their addiction. I believe so many people go through drug treatment again and again, returning each time because they have never resolved the core issues of why they NEED to use to begin with. It is also very common that as clients go through drug treatment and "get clean," that they begin to experience years of repressed anxiety, grief, or anger. I'm sure this is probably not very encouraging to anyone who may be considering drug treatment, but wait! If you are at a place where you want to find true sobriety and serenity, the work of cleaning the old toxins from your soul is what will do the trick. We do not have to have our lives forever ruled by past events. We do not have to continue to suffer or engage in behaviors that stave off the pain. We may only be human, but we are strong enough to endure the work. Humans were created to both be hurt and to heal.

Photo above found at:
http://speeddevil141992.deviantart.com/art/Cutting-67927067

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Part 1

2010-01-21T07:34:00.008-06:00

I've been thinking about the fact that I specialize in treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but have never written about it on my blog. I'm not sure why that is exactly. I think partly because I'm afraid that once I get started talking about it, I won't be able to stop! I also worry that I will begin to get long-winded and technical in my discussion of PTSD and lose many of my readers. I think it's important to begin my discussion on this and trust my ability to rein myself in as needed. Thank God for "edit posts" option. Here goes...

What is PTSD?
Well, first of all, for any of you who are unfamiliar with PTSD, let me define it for you. I'm going to define it according to "professional standards," but will put it in everyday terms. A traumatic event is one in which you fear that either yourself or another person is going to be seriously injured or killed. Many people face events like this but do not develop PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder develops when, after the traumatic event is over, you continue to feel like you are still experiencing it. You may re-experience it through intrusive memories or flashbacks of the trauma. You may have nightmares of the event or at times literally feel in your body as if the event were happening right now. Also with PTSD you will go to extreme lengths to avoid situations or people that remind you of the trauma. It is common that we sometimes experience these types of symptoms immediately after a traumatic event, such as losing a loved one. The difference between a normal stress reaction and PTSD is that in a normal stress reaction, these symptoms tend to dissipate after one month. Also, in a normal stress reaction, you tend to maintain some level of control over your response and your life is not shattered irreversibly after the event. For example, you may face a horrifying event and be really shaken up about it for weeks afterward. Over the course of the next few months you find that you are able to leave your home, continue with work, and the anxiety does not rule your life. With PTSD, it is not uncommon for people to not experience any symptoms until months or years after the event occurred.

These are the technical criteria for PTSD:

1. A person is exposed to a traumatic event and has a response of intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

2. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced (i.e., intrusive memories, flashbacks, nightmares, intense distress when exposed to cues or reminders of the trauma, etc.)

3. Persistent avoidance of people/situations related to the event (i.e., unwillingness to discuss the event, inability to recall details of the event or maybe extremely sharp memories of detail, withdrawal from everyday living and people in general)

4. Increased arousal, that is, "hyped-up" behavior-- you may be hyper-alert, on edge, on the watch, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, irritable/angry, difficulty concentrating, exaggerated startle response

5. The duration of these symptoms last longer than one month and cause "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning."

How Does PTSD Happen?
Our brain is an intricate road map of neural pathways. There are happy and pleasant pathways in our brain and then there are some terrifying (though life-saving) pathways as well. An example of this is the fight or flight response. We've all most likely experienced having our fight or flight pathway being activated. Your heart rate accelerates. You go into survival mode. You may freeze up and feel unable to speak. You can feel every hair all over your entire body stand on end. Or you may turn into someone you don't recognize and display tremendous strength or ferocious aggression and fighting back. It's a critical part of our human make-up that we have this response. It keeps us alive in many terrifying situations and has for eons now.

Things go awry if this fight or flight response gets activated when there is not actually any terrifying event occurring. Someone with PTSD who has a history of physical abuse from a parent may be triggered into fight or flight years later when someone in the grocery store bumps into them roughly by accident. A child who was sexually abused in a bathroom may continue to experience intense anxiety about going to the bathroom years later. A war veteran who saw a friend killed in combat may continue to experience a feeling of hypervigilance and anxiety at the sound of loud trucks or booms. When someone has PTSD, their brain continues to categorize many events as "danger," when, in reality, there is no present danger. This categorization is not under control of the person and happens too quickly to be stopped many times. Once the woman in the grocery store was bumped by a stranger, the brain quickly perceived this event as life-threatening and activated a neural pathway of "high alert." Once the neural pathway is activated, it's like a loop with no end. She's driving on this pathway that just goes around and around with no exit.

As you can imagine, this is a miserable way to live. Often people with PTSD are going through their everyday living being triggered by voices, scents, perceived threats or sounds. These people are unaware themselves what is happening within them, not understanding what just triggered intense anger or anxiety. Many people with PTSD have no clue that they symptoms they are experiencing have anything at all to do with a traumatic event that likely occurred years ago. Or, if they do have some suspicion that their present anxiety is related to event(s) from the past, they are not fully aware of the extent to which their very personality is being shaped by fear and a need to avoid.

There Is Hope
PTSD does not have to be a life-long disorder. There are good and effective treatments for PTSD that are backed by research. The most effective treatments for PTSD aim to help people access helpful and positive neural pathways in the brain, when triggered, rather than falling into the fight or flight loop. This is what is being done in narrative and cognitive behavioral therapies that create positive and helpful pathways then, through repetition, link them with the traumatic event and triggers of the event. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a type of therapy that literally retrains the brain through the use of eye movements to access helpful networks in the brain. I love EMDR and use it often in my practice. It often brings immediate relief to those suffering with PTSD. I have personally seen countless children and adults suffering with PTSD go bravely through treatment and lose their diagnosis. I have watched these people begin to experience relief from symptoms within weeks and months of treatment. If you have PTSD, you do not have to suffer or self-medicate for relief (this is another blog post!). There is treatment available to help you. I believe the human mind wants to heal itself and sometimes it just gets stuck. It is good to seek the assistance of a trained professional to help the broken record get un-stuck and get you back on the right track.

Photo above found at:
http://m-a-e-e.deviantart.com/art/trauma-125461377

On the Wheel Again

2010-01-14T08:14:00.008-06:00

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, and, in fact, I should probably be really happy about this-- God has put me back on the potter's wheel again! Did I really begin to think maybe I was done? I've been fully conformed now into perfection. I don't need anymore work, Lord. Thanks, you can go work on somebody else now. Actually, I've been through much more painful times (see previous blog posts if you don't believe me). This one is pretty mild, so I won't complain!

I truly, wholly, and completely love INFORMATION. I love to read it, watch it, study it, and examine it from every single aspect until I feel absorbed by the "it." Then once I am full as a tick on information, I like to lounge back in the fatness of it and be giddy. I like to slop around in the abundance of information I can find on whatever the subject of the day might be, just like a pig finds glee in a rich gooey mud hole... oh, the joy! Once I get satiated on the information-gathering, then I begin to have the burning passion to disseminate. I feel very confident in my ability to take all the information I've gathered and digested, then disseminate it to others through words. I will talk, talk, talk about it; write, write, write about it. That's one of the reasons I had to start this blog was to have another outlet for my communication passion. I'm a teacher at heart and not ashamed of this wonderful gift God placed in me at birth. It's a sweet thing He and I share, and I love to show Him what His gift can do.

So, here's where the potter's wheel got rolled out on me... sometimes I need to keep my big mouth shut. WHAT?! Say it ain't so!! For the bulk of my life, God has been an encouraging and doting parent when it comes to my love for gathering information, organizing it, then sharing it with other people. Here lately, however, I'm hearing Him gently say to me, "Shhhhhhhh. Just be quiet for right now." Yesterday I finally had the insight that knowledge in itself is NOT wisdom. It's only one part of wisdom. For me, knowledge is related to the information I can talk about and do something about. Wisdom is related to what I don't talk about it and do nothing about. Knowledge is what I say, wisdom is what I don't say. If you're a communicator/teacher like me, you've probably encountered those moments when you excitedly share your new found insights and information with someone who you feel REALLY needs it, and the receiving party stares back at you with that blank, defended look. When I see that look, I usually don't stop talking. That look means I just need to find another way to make you understand! Ok, so you're not getting it, maybe I'll draw you a picture! Ok, you still don't get it, that's cool. I'll walk you through it step by step! Ok, you still don't get it. Let's just talk about it some more and I'll answer your questions. Still not getting it... ok, maybe I need to make this plain to you, since you're clearly a little dense!

I have a very hard time accepting it when someone is not receiving my information. Eventually, I will just force this on you, if I have to. I can get a little scrappy about it if I need to. I am from the hills and we know how to handle these things out behind woodsheds when needed. I'm starting to get it, however, that sometimes it's just not my place to share my knowledge with certain people. In fact, it is wise at times that I do not disseminate knowledge. I read this verse in Proverbs this morning and laughed out loud, "For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." (Proverbs 2:6) It's funny and beautiful and just so simple! GOD gives the wisdom and the knowledge. I can share my wealth of knowledge 500 ways and some people won't get it, but when GOD disseminates it, they'll get it. Hey, I can accept that. I'll stay on the potter's wheel for awhile until this sinks in a little more. Then when He's done with me, maybe He'll be willing to impart to me how He got them to understand when I couldn't. I want to know that trick, too! Guess this means I'm not quite done spinning here.

Photo above found at:
http://sneakyshiki.deviantart.com/art/Work-of-the-Hands-127611238

Believe? Not Sure I Can Go There

2010-01-05T07:52:00.011-06:00

"But what if I don't believe in God?"
Long pause.
I don't know what to say to this but, "What?"

This is what someone asked me the other day-- someone in pain, someone desperately seeking recovery from addictions, someone just like me, you, and the rest of humanity. Who among us has never had, if not years, then moments of doubt about God? If it's never gotten miserable enough for you that your doubting self had to cry out in anger, "If there is a God in heaven, this would be a GREAT time to show up!!!"-- well, I guess I'd think you were lying.

I have my God, and I also have no desire to force my God on anyone else. The Higher Power is always The Higher Power regardless of whether or not I'm preaching it on every street corner or loudly protesting that MY God is the only one true God!!! The Higher Power is still The Higher Power and he will find you wherever you are just like he found me in some of my most unsavory places. I'm not worried about it. The 12 Step programs are spiritual programs. They hinge upon the hope and faith that there is a Higher Power and that this Higher Power can restore us to sanity (Step 2). We are encouraged to seek out and try to build a connection with a Higher Power (Step 11), and to trust there is a Higher Power that can care for us in a way that we cannot care for ourselves (Step 3).

Well, actually, I guess the best response to a recovering addict who says "but I don't believe in God," would be, "Great! You're on your way to recovery!" One of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous defined addiction as a spiritual deficiency. Thus, all addicts have some level of disbelief in a Higher Power, at least in the acting out phases of their lives, when addiction is the God of their lives. Addicts are hurting people who just want to feel better. I sat with a beautiful teen-aged girl the other day, tears streaming from her sad brown eyes, while she gently stroked the fresh self-inflicted cuts from wrist to shoulder. She just wanted to feel better, and this time it took more cuts than ever before to finally get there. Because there is no secure thing or person to provide some outer evidence that she is loved and safe, these fresh cuts work for her to bring relief. For some it's a heavy dose of heroin, drinking until the pain stops, finding a man who brings love, or working into the wee hours every night so you don't have to think or feel anything. All these people just want to feel better and have found whatever outlet they can grasp onto to bring relief. There is no belief that some Higher Power could or even wants to do the job.

If you want to be free from addictions and you don't believe there is a force somewhere in this universe that is stronger, wiser, and has more resources than you, then how do you believe you will get better? Do you believe your addicted mind can heal your addicted mind? I really love how this is described in the "Big Book" for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, "We came to realize that this disease of sex and love addiction so subtly and thoroughly permeated our best-intentioned and most fervid plans to reform ourselves, that even our ability to think clearly was undermined. There could be no such thing as a self-powered cure. Too many of us had tried this and had failed repeatedly. It was not that our logic, motives or intents were wrong. Rather, our very ability to see the problem clearly, and our wishes to change ourselves, were themselves systematically distorted by the addiction. That part of our mind which at least intermittently recognized our sickness was itself not immune, and could not be solely relied upon to guide us to health." (The Basic Text for the Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, p. 74).

There comes a time for addicts, if you're lucky, when life and the consequences of addiction have become torturous to the point of death without actually dying. It is at this point when we place our first toe on the path of recovery and a tiny flicker emerges within us. Within this tiny flicker is the realization I am totally powerless over this thing. For many of us, there were a few expletives before and after this revelation, but I'll spare you that here. When you really GET it, I am powerless, there might be a moment of intense panic or maybe relief. This is the beauty of recovery. It's like a computer program that, once it starts running, it has its own course that doesn't require my wisdom to keep it going. That tiny flicker of self-preservation within me that admits powerlessness is the same healthy flicker that naturally says, Well, if I have no control over this behavior, dear God, I have to believe there is something or someone in this universe that is willing to help me!

Hold on to whatever vague notion of a Higher Power you can conjure. It may feel ridiculous and assaulting against your reasoning, but believe it anyway. Just fake it, if you have to. Step 2 says, "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." We came there over time. We muddled it over, tinkered with it, or fantasized about it. We began to hope it with all our hearts, for our own sake and that of our loved ones. There has got to be some force out there stronger than me that can restore me. Day One of living out of this new belief looks like this-- turn your life and your will over to the care of this God, as you understand this God to be (Step 3). Whereas we would typically rise out of bed and begin living from our own sick will, Day One-- turn your will and your life over to the care of a Higher Power. If you make it through that sober, then congratulations, it's a good start! If you did not make it through Day One sober, yet you're still alive, congratulations, it's a good start! Day Two looks like this-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. Day Three-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. You will watch in wonder as this Higher Power does for you the work of healing that you could not do for yourself, and through this process, you are coming to believe.

There are many people struggling with addictions who also struggle with turning their lives over to a Higher Power. Too many of us have been abandoned, neglected, or abused by those in power over us and have vowed to never lose ourselves to another's power again. Isn't it ironic that the venoms of abuse, neglect, and abandonment created a fear of surrender? And that surrender itself is the cure to these venoms? If you don't believe there is a Higher Power, your Higher Power already knows why you don't and doesn't judge you for it. If you can surrender your precious life to life-altering dramas and chaos, drunks, drugs that kill, the needle, the bottle, or abusive relationships, then why not give a loving Higher Power a shot at it?

Photos above found at:
http://akimao.deviantart.com/art/MagicWood-115415908
http://acacia13.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-115734325

Leah in Love

2010-01-02T17:36:00.004-06:00

Leah's womb swelled and pushed
seven times
seven children before she knew beyond
her head-- the pale infant
sucking at her breast had nothing
to give. She lost
another porcelain tooth and Jacob's
back was hard, cold as
the gray stone graves of fathers.

Wrinkled newborn babies did not cry his name,
only Leah.
They brought breath and
warm flesh to every unfulfilled
desire beating in her chest.
Larger and longer they came
seven times--
the space between husband and wife--
till they reached the length of
a self

where a woman could lie
perfectly along them, know
beyond her own head
who she really is.

Photo above found at:
http://sanddra.deviantart.com/art/pregnant-51296512

Wilderness

2009-12-31T09:16:00.001-06:00

Do animals make a human cry
when their loved one staggers
fowled dragged down
the blue veined river

Does the female wail
miming the wolf of suffering
do lilies trumpet the pup
plucked for skin and skein

Do animals cry like humans
as I having lost you
yowled flagged
curled in a ball

This is how
we beat the icy field
shoeless and empty handed
hardly human at all

Negotiating a wilderness
we have yet to know
this is where time stops
and we have none to go

by Patti Smith
The Guardian, Saturday 2 December 2006

Patti Smith, Where Have you Been?

2009-12-31T09:01:00.008-06:00

How has Patti Smith escaped me all these years? I suppose her brand of genius in song and poetry was well before my own generation, not to mention, I've never been a punk rock fan. But last night I watched a brilliant documentary on PBS, Patti Smith: Dream of Life. I enjoyed her so much, such a quirky and bold woman. Her writing is breathtaking and her performances so full of energy and truth. I found myself slightly confused yet completely captured by her gender-bending appearance-- the unimposing thin frame and wiry hair. She is a woman for all times, for all generations. Thank you, Ms. Smith, for your contribution to our world and thank you, PBS, for introducing this amazing woman to me. Great documentary, check it out at http://www.pbs.org/pov/pattismith/.

Little Girls & Co.

2009-12-13T08:46:00.007-06:00

Just so you know
it is not actually you
I am missing but some
fantasy of a man I've carried
since sixth grade.
You just happened to
come along
during my production of this
particular drama
Prince Charming
Cinderella and
a Slipper,
you know the story. You
had nice eyes.
I thought you'd fit the part, so
now that it's over
a huge disaster
a real flop
not what I imagined at all,
I remember sometimes
moments you were not so bad, imagine
perhaps you'd make a better
Lancelot or
Romeo. No,
it's really best you are not employed with this company,
I'm looking at trying my hand at documentaries anyway.

Photo above found at:
http://romeosavesjuliet.deviantart.com/art/Where-s-my-glass-slipper-122045741

Beyonce is Not Naughty But I Am

2009-12-07T07:31:00.006-06:00

Well, I have finally dropped the children off at school this morning and I couldn't be happier for some quiet around here! My five year-old son and I were the unprepared victims of the 9 year-old's Autism Rant. If you've never witnessed an Autism Rant, then be glad! When Hannah launches into one of these passionate long-winded speeches of social injustice, you could be in for an Academy worthy performance. These rants are loud, repetitive, filled with paranoid and delusional beliefs that the world is against her, and cannot be stopped. I have learned that any attempts to stop an Autism Rant are futile. At least in our household, it is best to provide no comments, point out no illogical beliefs or falsehoods, or even offer up an Amen. In fact, trying to intervene in any way, especially with threats of time-out, grounding, or spanking, only fuel the righteous indignation, and could possible turn an Autism Rant into an Autism Rage (very violent, someone gets hurt, not a pretty scene).

So, we've all learned to keep our mouths shut as best as possible, while Hannah stomps around the house like it's her pulpit. She really doesn't mind if you're actually listening or not. The Rant seems to be more for her own benefit, stemming from her intense need to put into words the injustices she has suffered, which this morning happened to be the fact that it was too cold for a skirt. This particular Rant on this morning was actually pretty passionate as it ventured off into the area of who is naughty and who should be on the naughty list. Apparently, I am very naughty and will be getting no presents this year. Bummer. I also learned from this impassioned soliloquy that there are leagues of naughty people at her school and in this family. Furthermore, in true Southern Baptist fashion, Hannah preached to us that you should NEVER put yourself on the naughty list, because that is rude!

Imagine my great relief when, after a 45 minute sermon about bad mommies, naughty lists, and the proper use of "temper fits," I finally have both children in the car and we're on the way to school. Popping two ear buds on her and some Beyonce seemed to soothe her anger somewhat. Beyonce always works for me too. Once Hannah had calmed down some, I thought this might be a good time to revisit some of the disturbing statements she had made during her sermon about the nature of Christmas. "Hannah, it's very important that we remember what Christmas is all about. Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus's birthday. I am so glad that Jesus was born, so now He comes to live in my heart and I never have to be afraid of dying. I'm going to live forever in heaven with Him, the God who made me." There is silence from her in the backseat, and I'm thinking she is turning this over in her mind. Perhaps these words are sinking in. "Having Jesus in my heart and the promise of living with Him forever is the greatest gift I could ever get. Don't ya think?"

She maintains her flat expression and replies to me with a tone that says she is not impressed, "Mom, that is not a good gift." She pops her ear buds back in and turns up All the Single Ladies. Okay, so I survived another Autism Rant, and it never escalated farther. I'll just be grateful for that and let God do the rest of the work on her!

Photo above found at:
http://jmarcdodsonjr.deviantart.com/art/Christmas-card-Santa-List-79211111

The Condiments of Marriage

2009-12-05T21:34:00.006-06:00

Marriage is a very complex and tricky thing. We know how God intended for marriage to be when he created Adam and Eve, and we know that He knew all along that was going to be too hard. We cannot be married without God-- it's just too hard! I hear young people sharing with excitement their news, "I'm getting married! I just love him!". I just smile politely, bite my tongue, and know inwardly, "Yeah, Sister, just wait till he's not so cute anymore and you realize you actually have to WORK at living together."

I supported myself throughout my college years by waiting tables. At the end of every night, we servers cleaned our table sections, which included marrying the condiments. We would fill back to the top any ketchup, mustard, or salt and pepper shakers that had been used, so that all condiments were full for the next day's customers. A half-used ketchup bottle would be married with another half-used ketchup bottle to create something new for the next day. When two people get married they bring together everything they own and join it. They create a home from their joint furnishings and finances. They marry their talents, whether that be organization, patience, handyman, cook, or compassion. When everything that two people own physically, emotionally, and spiritually is married together, life should be easier for them and their potential for growth much greater than they could have as two singles. At least that's the ideal God had in mind. Actually getting there is pretty tough and doesn't magically happen right after you both say "I do."

When you go out to eat, you will readily find your most commonly used condiments right at your table. If marriage were the dining table, there are three main condiments that should always be married at that table to keep the two diners happy. These marriage condiments (the true life blood of marriages) are sex, money, and parenting. When one partner has more control than the other in any of these three areas, this couple is at high risk for an unsatisfactory relationship.

Sex-- both partners should always feel they have full ownership over their own bodies and sexuality and share it willingly when they want and in the ways they feel most comfortable. Any compromises are discussed and agreed upon by both parties. If one partner routinely gives in to the other, invalidating their own needs or feelings, then the condiment grows empty. You have to get married in your sex life. Actually, I tend to believe that when two people do not bring equally to the marriage emotionally, then the sex condiment gets drained pretty quickly.

Money-- both partners should always have complete access to and full knowledge of the money coming into and out of the household. What gets spent, where, and why are decisions made by the two partners who have married their finances and, thus, both have equal say in where the money goes. Often one person may write the checks, balance the account, etc. for simplicity's sake or because one person is more organized in this area. Even so, the married couple operates as partners and equals in the managing of their funds. There are no money secrets and no money dictators.

Parenting-- couples who join their parenting skills have reached an agreed upon plan of how disciplinary issues will be addressed, what rewards will be used and when, and especially how many children there will be, if any! Having and raising children is a joint operation, a business managed by two people who bring together their abilities and both parties are always kept fully informed of the goings on of the child business. When one person is solely responsible for parenting or the two partners are not in agreement on their parenting values and plans, this is a marriage headed for destruction!

You alone cannot supply everything a marriage needs. You cannot give your all, particularly in the areas of sex, money, and parenting, and believe that you will carry this so-called marriage on your own. There might be a piece of paper that says you are married legally, but when one person is in charge and keeps the other in the dark-- where is the joining? Is this really a marriage? If you are the one getting left in the dark or being left out of the partnering in any of these areas, it is your right to speak up. If you care anything at all about your marriage, you will insist to be made an equal partner in these areas, to be heard, and to be respected in these areas. Whether you've been married 15 minutes or 15 years, there is always room for more marrying. Bring what you have to the table and expect the same from your partner. Keeping the condiments of sex, money, and parenting equally married will make for happy couples!

Photo above found at:
http://fireinyourheartx.deviantart.com/art/salt-and-pepper-109914932

Holland Schmolland

2009-11-14T18:37:00.003-06:00

In the vein of celebrating Good-Enough Moms, I'd like to re-print the wonderful article "Holland Schmolland" by Laura Kreuger Crawford, a must-read for all parents of special needs children:

Holland Schmolland

If you have a special needs child, which I do, and if you troll the Internet for information, which I have done, you will come across a certain inspirational analogy. It goes like this:

Imagine that you are planning a trip to Italy. You read all the latest travel books, you consult with friends about what to pack, and you develop an elaborate itinerary for your glorious trip. The day arrives.

You board the plane and settle in with your in-flight magazine, dreaming of trattorias, gondola rides, and gelato. However when the plane lands you discover, much to your surprise, you are not in Italy -- you are in Holland. You are greatly dismayed at this abrupt and unexpected change in plans.

You rant and rave to the travel agency, but it does no good. You are stuck. After awhile, you tire of fighting and begin to look at what Holland has to offer. You notice the beautiful tulips, the kindly people in the wooden shoes, the french fries with mayonnaise, and you think, "This isn't exactly what I had planned, but it's not so bad. It's just different."
Having a child with special needs is supposed to be like this -- not any worse than having a typical child -- just different.

When I read this my son was almost 3, completely non-verbal and was hitting me over 100 times a day. While I appreciated the intention of the story, I couldn't help but think, "Are they kidding? We're not in some peaceful country dotted with windmills. We are in a country under siege -- dodging bombs, boarding overloaded helicopters, bribing officials -- all the while thinking, "What happened to our beautiful life?"

That was five years ago.

My son is now 8 and though we have come to accept that he will always have autism, we no longer feel like citizens of a battle-torn nation. With the help of countless dedicated therapists and teachers, biological interventions, and an enormously supportive family, my son has become a fun-loving, affectionate boy with many endearing qualities and skills. In the process we've created . . . well . . . our own country, with its own unique traditions and customs.

It's not a war zone, but it's still not Holland. Let's call it Schmolland. In Schmolland, it's perfectly customary to lick walls, rub cold pieces of metal across your mouth and line up all your toys end-to-end. You can show affection by giving a "pointy chin." A "pointy chin" is when you act like you are going to hug someone and just when you are really close, you jam your chin into the other person's shoulder. For the person giving the "pointy chin" this feels really good, for the receiver, not so much -- but you get used to it.

For citizens of Schmolland, it is quite normal to repeat lines from videos to express emotion. If you are sad, you can look downcast and say, "Oh, Pongo." When mad or anxious, you might shout, "Snow can't stop me!" or "Duchess, kittens, come on!" Sometimes, "And now our feature presentation" says it all.

In Schmolland, there's not a lot to do, so our citizens find amusement wherever they can. Bouncing on the couch for hours, methodically pulling feathers out of down pillows, and laughing hysterically in bed at 4:00 a.m. are all traditional Schmutch pastimes.

The hard part of living in our country is dealing with people from other countries. We try to assimilate ourselves and mimic their customs, but we aren't always successful. It's perfectly understandable that an 8 year-old from Schmolland would steal a train from a toddler at the Thomas the Tank Engine Train Table at Barnes and Noble. But this is clearly not understandable or acceptable in other countries, and so we must drag our 8 year-old out of the store kicking and screaming, all the customers looking on with stark, pitying stares. But we ignore these looks and focus on the exit sign because we are a proud people.

Where we live it is not surprising when an 8 year-old boy reaches for the fleshy part of a woman's upper torso and says, "Do we touch boodoo?" We simply say, "No, we do not touch boodoo," and go on about our business. It's a bit more startling in other countries, however, and can cause all sorts of cross-cultural misunderstandings.

And, though most foreigners can get a drop of water on their pants and still carry on, this is intolerable to certain citizens in Schmolland, who insist that the pants must come off no matter where they are and regardless of whether another pair of pants is present.

Other families who have special needs children are familiar and comforting to us, yet are still separate entities. Together we make up a federation of countries, kind of like Scandinavia. Like a person from Denmark talking to a person from Norway (or in our case, someone from Schmenmark talking to someone from Schmorway.), we share enough similarities in our language and customs to understand each other, but conversations inevitably highlight the diversity of our traditions. "My child eats paper. Yesterday he ate a whole video box." "My daughter only eats four foods, all of them white." "We finally had to lock up the VCR because my child was obsessed with the rewind button." "My son wants to blow on everyone."

There is one thing we all agree on. We are a growing population. Ten years ago, 1 in 10,000 children had autism. Today the rate is approximately 1 in 150. Something is dreadfully wrong. Though the causes of the increase are still being hotly debated, a number of parents and professionals believe genetic predisposition has collided with too many environmental insults -- toxins, chemicals, antibiotics, vaccines -- to create immunological chaos in the nervous system of developing children. One medical journalist speculated these children are the proverbial "canary in the coal mine", here to alert us to the growing dangers in our environment.

While this is certainly not a view shared by all in the autism community, it feels true to me.

I hope that researchers discover the magic bullet we all so desperately crave. And I will never stop investigating new treatments and therapies that might help my son. But more and more my priorities are shifting from what "could be" to "what is." I look around this country my family has created, with all its unique customs, and it feels like home. For us, any time spent "nation building" is time well spent.

Mommy Guilt

2009-11-14T17:28:00.008-06:00

If you are a mother, you are likely familiar with the unique-to-us feeling of Mommy Guilt. I believe women in our Western culture are prone to guilt already, then the responsibilities of Mommyhood come along and pack on more pressure. There is an intense push in our culture for mothers to be perfect in all we do. We must work 40+ hours per week on our jobs, giving 100% there or risk being told, "you're not being a team player." Then we go home exhausted and have our precious babies excited to see us and be with us, yet they get the day's leftovers. We put on the smiles, forge ahead through the fatigue, and clock in for our second job of Mom.

Because I have never parented a "typically developing" child, I cannot really know if my Mommy Guilt is more intense than other mothers. I do, however, spend lots of time with other mothers of special needs children and share specific guilt behaviors with them. As mothers of special needs children, we are prone to stay up way too late researching, spend more time than is necessary calling and visiting doctors, worry excessively about our children's futures, and feel intense guilt at the end of every night when our children still have said disorder. There's always the nagging feeling at the end of the day of did I do enough today for my child? Because if I didn't do enough, I am convinced my child will end up with a miserable life and it will be my fault. We will take out a second mortgage on our home to pay for specialists, schedule round-the-clock therapists and doctors, buy every supplement, try whatever medications the doctor recommends... we will do anything! If we don't do EVERY POSSIBLE THING to "cure" our children, then we are being a BAD mom. I just have one question-- Who the hell sold us this load of garbage?

I'm learning to be a good-enough Mom. My children consistently receive from me my support, love, nurturing, attention, guidance, and discipline. Because of this, I can rest in knowing there is room for mistakes. I will make mistakes as a mother, sometimes being too harsh when I should have shown mercy. I may be too lenient when really my child needed a stern consequence. I mess up and they grow, no, they THRIVE anyway, because they get enough. Having a mother who carries a sense of peace and confidence is just as valuable to a child as a mother who works tirelessly... maybe even more so. Children are tough and resilient. They can survive us despite our parental mistakes. If you don't believe me, just look at yourself. You survived your Mom, didn't you?

Photo above found at:
http://theusedafithrone.deviantart.com/art/The-Virgin-30321810

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

2009-11-10T07:48:00.003-06:00

This old hymn has been a real blessing to me lately:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Robert Robinson, 1758; appeared in his A Collection of Hymns Used by the Church of Christ in Angel Alley, Bishopgate, 1759.

You're Not Alone

2009-11-04T07:26:00.006-06:00

I will be very honest and say that I have spent large portions of my life experiencing deep pain or engaging in behaviors that distracted me from or minimized my pain. Only in the last few years have I gathered the courage to just settle under waves of grief until they passed, and I want the world to know I have emerged! I remember toward the end of some heavy grieving having the sense that this pain was like a large, dark, and heavy cloak just draped over me everywhere I went. It could not be shaken and I wore it all day. Then one day, while envisioning and experiencing this cloak of sadness, I took a step back and saw that this cloak actually covered all of humanity. It is the burden of being human and we all had our portion to wear at particular times in our lives. Stepping back even farther, I shockingly realized that this same cloak draped over all of humanity was nothing more than the train of God's robe, and that He was actually wearing the cloak! We were draped only in the train of it, while He carried its greatest weight.

This morning driving home, after dropping the kids off at school, I suddenly became aware of something odd-- the absence of pain. I am driving in my car in absolute peace, enjoying the morning sun, thinking no negative thoughts, and shedding no tears. There were mornings I dragged myself out of bed under the weight of the cloak and took care of my children under the cloak. I know the depths of sorrow. I am keenly familiar with hurting, grief, and remorse. I lost my very self under that dark covering, and today, I just want to thank God I am alive.

I know I have readers all over the world, many who have awakened this morning beneath the cloak of pain. I know there are people around the globe who wonder how they can possibly go through one more day like this. I am certain some of these people are hurting because they are courageously facing down their demons and engaging in the long process of recovery. I still have days, of course, when I feel down, and I experience moments of sadness. I do not, however, feel the heavy burden of suffering any longer. The dark night finally passed, and it will pass for others too who just keep going forward. So, though I no longer wear the cloak of suffering, today I come beneath it with all of you who still wear it. You are not alone. I am strong enough now to come help you bear the weight of it today-- here, come let me hold this with you today. I am with you in spirit, acknowledging the weight of this thing you carry. I walk with you today. You can do this one more day.

Photo above found at:
http://idsoha.deviantart.com/art/Best-friends-41599864

Do You Believe in Magic?

2009-10-29T08:47:00.010-05:00

There are people who carry way more than they should in this world. They carry the burdens of their children, their spouses, their bosses, foreign countries, alien life forms, and angels in heavenly places. There are some who even carry the burdens of God, and just how arrogant is that, if I might ask? And, yes, I can ask, as I will admit I was once one of those people. I still have moments when I am drawn into the black hole vacuum of some needy person who is carrying too much weight and needs a partner to shoulder it, a hero to come from the heavens and take away their pain. Somehow these types of people can convince us that we are capable of taking away all their pain, and it's just so flattering to believe that. I soon find myself thinking, "Well, if he/she thinks I can solve all these problems, then maybe I can! I can and I will!" I haven't fallen into that trap in awhile, until yesterday.

I have been counseling children and families for almost 10 years, and there is a subtype of parents I encounter-- the desperate parents. These parents are having great difficulty accepting that they have a child with any type of disability or illness. Understandably, the pain of this type of acceptance is very scary and crushing. I drift in and out of acceptance regarding my own children's disabilities, but I accept it or I go crazy. That's the only two options unfortunately. Nonetheless, there are parents who hold onto hope that someday some magical person will come along with magic wand in hand, tap the head of their child and, all ADHD will disappear. Autism will shrink to nothing or severe mental illness will turn to mist and vanish. This magical person must only appear and be willing to impart her divine wisdom and allow their child to sit in her most holy presence, and all will be well.

I am getting better at spotting these types of parents, because I am prone to buying into their grandiose plans for me and their child. One of the first telltale signs is that many of these parents actually say something like this,"We have been to so many doctors and I am just exhausted with this process. Come work your magic!" I usually try to burst that bubble right from the start with, "Well, I hate to tell you this but you're going to learn it about me eventually... I'm human, no magic, sorry." Usually they don't believe me the first few times and continue to try to force magic from me. When the magic persists on not "working," then I begin seeing anger. It often sounds like this, "What have you been doing with my child all this time? All I ever see you do is playing with them. How is that going to help them!? Look, I really need help here! This is not what I thought it was going to be. I need you to talk to her teacher, and could you please tell her case manager that I need those housing forms? I'm not even sure I like this doctor anymore, are you going to be talking to him soon?" Essentially, this parent just took the enormous burden of caring for a sick or special needs child, held it out to me and asked, "Are you going to take this crap off my shoulders or not?"

Be forewarned, if you take the bait (and I have), this is what will play out. You, the therapist (or friend, spouse, etc), will take over the role of shouldering this burden. You will begin making the phone calls, researching the internet, buying the books, emailing the doctor, calling meetings at school, and lecturing the child to get with the program. Therapy sessions turn into what Mom or Dad wants you working on rather than what the child brings to the table for the day. Child clients become defensive and shut down, whether passively or aggressively. Therapists begin to burn out, get angry with the child for not cooperating with the plan! Basically, I have taken the anger and denial from the parents and made it mine. In the meantime, you are not likely seeing much progress with the child with this type of approach. Thus, parents are getting angrier and applying even more pressure. Therapist starts working even harder, gets angrier. Less progress, parents apply more pressure, therapist wears out.

Oh,well... mistake spotted. Time for me to back up and go back to plain old humanity. It was kind of fun for awhile believing I had superhero powers. I almost thought I cured one this time, but no. I've seen good, healthy, slow and steady progress with a child. One more case of the humdrum, slow and laborious work, eating your therapeutic fruits and vegetables, and being only a small part of someone's lifetime of growth. That's just how we humans heal. I guess that's just how we therapists learn too. Drats.

Photo above found at: http://mehmeturgut.deviantart.com/art/pixie-s-magic-36077755

Crazy is an STD

2009-10-22T07:39:00.007-05:00

One of the spiritual lessons I am in the midst of these days (and we are always in the midst of one, whether your recognize it or not) is better understanding my sexuality. My concept of sexuality has been corrupted by culture, childhood events, relationships, media of various forms, and much more. I'm definitely in the beginner classes, when it comes to understanding the magnitude of sexuality and how it encompasses our entire (human) being.

As God often does for me, He introduces a person or event into my life that becomes a perfect metaphor for what He's trying to teach me. I enjoy metaphor, use them often, and think in them often. Being our spiritual Daddy, He knows how we all learn best! A couple days ago our home computer became infected with a pervasive and pesky virus that eventually crashed the entire system. In researching this virus and how to clean it, I probably created even more devastation than was already there. I also had the honor of experiencing what I have learned in the computer world is called "the blue screen of death." When your computer gives you that blue screen screaming error... well, you're just toast. Yeah, I get that now. Thanks. This morning God dropped some insight into me like a pebble into a pond-- my sexuality is the core operating system for my entire life!

Our sexuality goes way beyond sex organs. Because I am admittedly still in the beginner classes here, I cannot rattle off for you the complete list of what falls under "sexuality," but I can tell you that you'll find much more than "genitalia" listed there. In fact, I'm beginning to realize that practically EVERYTHING about me falls under the category of my sexuality, and I am hard pressed to find what isn't listed there. My sexuality is my very self as a woman-- my creativity, my feelings and thoughts, my strengths and weaknesses, my emotional and spiritual energies, my gender identity and role on this planet as a woman. My sexuality is the very essence of everything else about me, the core operating system. God forbid it ever get infected with a virus. Been there, done that and it pretty much sucks.

I am no computer genius, but I know there are innermost programs operating on an unseen level that keep my computer healthy. These programs are the skeleton for every other operation I want to perform, kind of like the secret inner room of my hard drive. There is a secret inner room to my sexuality, where no one enters but God. If I allow my spouse, partner, friend, or any one else to go where only God can exist, I get infected. Then there is a middle room to my sexuality that is meant only for close intimate relationships. God permeates into this room as well and allows me to bring in my husband. This room is meant only for him and if I let someone else in, yes, I get infected. Just a side note, I am not talking about the kind of infection that requires a shot of penicillin! Even though the virus entered through this middle room, it worms its way into every area of my sexuality and every room becomes infected!

Then there are other outer rooms where it is good to allow safe people. It is vital to the health of my sexuality that I keep these outer rooms open, while also using good protection. I have to share the programs operating from the depths of my inner sexuality, because they are creative masterpieces from God and His gift to the world. To keep them to myself would just be a waste. But in that sharing, and in all moments of sharing and opening, I need good protection around me that I do not allow viruses to come in and infect the lush and fertile grounds of my sexuality/my encompassing self.

When we are infected in our sexuality, regardless of how the virus entered, it can manifest itself in a lot of dysfunctional patterns. We're most likely going to see it really wreaking havoc in our relationships. A healthy sexuality shares intimacy and honesty, but an infected system cannot perform this function. An infected sexuality also creates bad employees and bad bosses. We become selfish or conversely, a wide open door for any fool that wants to come in and pillage. We become neurotic, psychotic, codependent, lazy, workaholic, alcoholic, sexaholic, ragers, doormats and/or devoid of any self at all. Our thinking becomes illogical and distorted. We start to believe things about ourselves and the world that are so sick it then affects the way we behave. You see how a virus spreads and affects every area of our lives?

So now I'm wondering, what is good virus protection for sexuality and where can I get some? Well, naturally, foremost I guess that means keeping my innermost room healthy. That space for me and God needs to be clean, open to Him only, and visited regularly. He meets me there, I can go any time, and answers for every other operating problem are found there. I have to keep that room safely protected and stop bringing any Tom, Dick and Harry to come in there and impart their wisdom. I need to be mindful always of other infected people. Don't you know if you invite a sick person to come in and hang out for any extended period of time, you're probably gonna get sick too?! Duh, this is not rocket science! As I change and grow, I have to keep my protection updated. What protected me yesterday may not be sufficient today as I have grown into new areas. I am careful where I go, who I listen to, what I watch, see, or read. I take in all things through a protective lens. Yes, it is hard work, but it is self-love, and more than worth it.

So, as I am re-building my electronic life on a computer that has been entirely swept clean and re-set, I am reminded that re-setting a life is painful. There is protection against the sexually transmitted diseases that infect the human spirit, and these diseases can take a life just as assuredly as HIV or untreated syphilis. Having an infected body or computer is devastating, having an infected sexuality is devastation.

Photo above found at: http://lordike3.deviantart.com/art/You-Suck-Notice-99394886

The Red Poppy

2009-10-16T15:51:00.003-05:00

The great thing
is not having
a mind. Feelings:
oh, I have those; they
govern me. I have
a lord in heaven
called the sun, and open
for him, showing him
the fire of my own heart, fire
like his presence.
What could such glory be
if not a heart? Oh my brothers and sisters,
were you like me once, long ago,
before you were human? Did you
permit yourselves
to open once, who would never
open again? Because in truth
I am speaking now
the way you do. I speak
because I am shattered.

by Louise Gluck
Photo above found at:
http://isnt-pretty.deviantart.com/art/Poppy-89769288

Holiness

2009-09-24T09:01:00.007-05:00

The Jewish call it
kedusha
holiness
I weep for it
the tears of it within me
the tears of it outside me
my spirit self thousands
of miles away
nested at the weeping wall

In Gaza
one proud spa owner
oils the leather seats where
the wealthy still come
to forget
find oasis
feel the touch of another human
kneading sorrow from
the muscles
the Jewish call it
kedusha

Who destroyed the sacred
grave site of Joseph?
Who bombed homes while
Palestinian girls slept
peacefully within?
Where can we go
to find the last knot of
the rope
to hold fast
the end of this rope
Maybe in these tears
we travel
back back back
all the way to kedusha

By Melissa Greene
Photo above found at:
http://ademmm.deviantart.com/art/Gazans-Hope-112667734

Kathy, 1966

2009-09-21T16:04:00.005-05:00

When my mother was nine she baked the cornbread
every day after school. Her face then
the same as today, blue eyes soft with knowing
mouth quiet and still, resigning to
signed contracts.
Her mother is dying.
She has a bad haircut, maybe did it herself,
the bangs stiff as straw on her forehead,
shoes scuffed, scrawny knees that hold
life weight like a body builder. She can cook
green beans, creamed corn, and pinto beans with
the best of them. Little Kathy can fry
potatoes, feed grown men
a father and brother bent to the plow.
She will feed grown men for many years
bent above their own devices of
turning the ground for sorrow. Kathy
found quiet at Mamaw’s, even though
there was no plumbing. She liked to rest
against the splintery fence watching Mamaw milk
the cow, carry the large sloshing pail into the kitchen
set it on the table and get out two
tin cups, Kathy, you want some milk?
There’s the rows of pink hollyhock where
little girls can run without being seen.
Tall stalks of corn
tobacco for miles.
There’s the honeysuckle,
the smokehouse, the outhouse.
Always at Mamaw’s
there’s the cool creek water where
she took off her white church socks,
tip-toed in the shade of the elms
quietly over smooth river rocks.
Here for hours
she is nine years old.

By Melissa Greene
photo above found at:
http://rileyrican.deviantart.com/art/Last-Go-At-It-49641480

Poem for Aretha

2009-09-19T13:11:00.013-05:00

Cause nobody deals with Aretha—a mother with four children—
having to hit the road
they always say "after she comes
home" but nobody ever says what it's like
to get on a plane for a three week tour
the elation of the first couple of audiences the good
feeling of exchange the running on the high
you get from singing good
and loud and long telling the world
what's on your mind.

Then comes the eighth show on the sixth day the beginning
to smell like the plane or bus the if-you-forget-your-toothbrush
in-one-spot-you-can't-brush-until-the-second-show
the strangers
pulling at you cause they love you but you having no love
to give back
the singing the same songs night after night day after day
and if you read the gossip columns the rumors that your husband
is only after your fame
the wondering if your children will be glad to see you and maybe
the not caring if they are scheming to get
out of just one show and go just one place where some doe-doe-dupaduke
won't say "just sing one song, please!".

Nobody mentions how it feels to become a freak
because you have talent and how
no one gives a damn how you feel
but only cares that Aretha Franklin is here like maybe that'll stop
chickens from frying
eggs from being laid
crackers from hating

and if you say you're lonely or tired how they always
just say "oh come off it" or "did you see
how they loved you did you see, huh, did you?"
which most likely has nothing to do with you anyway
and I'm not saying Aretha shouldn't have talent and I'm certainly
not saying she should quit
singing but as much as I love her I'd vote "yes" to her
doing four concerts a year and staying home or doing whatever
she wants and making records cause it's a shame
the way we're killing her.
We eat up artists like there's going to be a famine at the end
of those three minutes when there are in fact an abundance
of talents just waiting let's put some
of the giants away for a while and deal with them like they have
a life to lead.

Aretha doesn't have to relive Billi Holiday's life doesn't have
to relive Dinah Washington's death but who will
stop the pattern?

She's more important than her music—if they must be separated—
and they should be separated when she has to pass out before
anyone recognizes she needs
a rest and I say I need
Aretha's music
she is undoubtedly the one who put everyone on
notice.
She revived Johnny Ace and remembered Lil Green. Aretha
sings
"I say a little prayer" and Dionne doesn't
want to hear it anymore
Aretha sings "money won't change you"
but James can't sing "respect" the advent
of Aretha pulled Ray Charles from marlboro country
and back into
the blues made Nancy Wilson
try one more time forced
Dionne to make a choice (she opted for the movies)
and Diana Ross had to get an afro wig pushed every
Black singer into his Blackness and negro entertainers
into negroness you couldn't jive
when she said "you make me feel" the Blazers
had to reply "gotta let a man be/a man"
Aretha said "when my soul was in the lost and found/you came
along to claim it" and Joplin said "maybe"
there has been no musician whom her very presence hasn't
affected when Humphrey wanted her to campaign for him she said
"woeman's only hueman"
and he pressured James Brown
they removed Otis cause the combination was too strong the Impressions had to say "lord have mercy/we're moving on up"
the Black songs started coming from the singers on stage and the dancers
in the streets
Aretha was the riot was the leader if she had said "come
let's do it" it would have been done
temptations say why don't we think about it
why don't we think about it
why don't we think about it

—Nikki Giovanni
from Women Working: An Anthology of Stories and Poems (The Feminist Press, Old Westbury, New York)

My apologies to Ms. Giovanni for inadvertent changes made to her original punctuation, spelling, and spacing. Poem above copies from a Spanish translation. :-)
Aretha Franklin sketch above found at:
http://guitarsallly.deviantart.com/art/aretha-22201165

Two Sides of Fantasy

2009-09-15T08:02:00.006-05:00

Ok, so you realize that you have been living a fantasy, believing a fantasy. The man, woman, child, parent, boss, friend, whoever, you loved is not the person you fantasized them to be. They are human and fallable like the rest of us, and you are heartbroken that this person will not save you and fill you utterly. This person cannot make you whole and will hurt you, because that is what humans do. Sometimes we hurt each other. This is the painful part of fantasy-- it isn't real!

Here is the wonderful side-- just as no one can fill you, no one can destroy you. We have no power over when and if people will leave our lives, but that is ok, because when they go, they do not take a part of us with them. Perhaps as children we had to believe that we wielded some magical power or seduction that kept people in our lives, because abandonment to a child can mean possible death. The good news is that no one can "abandon" an adult. You can simply come and go from my life, but I am no longer abandoned, because I care for myself. If you leave, I will not die. It is painful to realize that the person I invested so much in is incapable of fulfilling me, yet it is freeing to know that when you don't fulfill me, I survive anyway. I don't need you to fill me! My survival is not dependent upon whether or not you love me! This is the wonderful part of fantasy-- it isn't real.

Photo above found at: http://louvre89.deviantart.com/art/Like-A-Dream-89189225

i carry your heart

2009-09-15T07:57:00.003-05:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

by e.e. cummings

Our Wounded Artists

2009-08-28T07:31:00.008-05:00

Despite the fact that many of my friends and readers will be rolling their eyes and saying, "Jeesh, it's over! Move on already!" I just can't. Tomorrow, August 29, would have been Michael Jackson's 51st birthday. There is something about the death of Michael Jackson that stirs an anguish in me, an anguish that is begging to be named and brought to the surface. I don't intend to dissect the rights or wrongs of Michael Jackson's life. It's not my place to do that, but I cannot miss the brilliance and tragic irony of his life. It would be too great a waste, and I want to talk about it.

First of all, I believe there are many people, both living and dead, who are gifted in their particular genre of the arts-- people, who carry large sacks of pain from their pasts and from the generations before them. These gifted people, despite a lack of true personal identity or connection to reality, are able to delve into their art and there, touch their true selves. Deep within the arts they create are the touchstone moments of rejection, abandonment, and abuse. In their arts they are able to experience a part of the original pain of their lives and, thus, who they really are, both broken and whole.

Michael Jackson is only one of many people in our culture with whom we have witnessed this. We are a culture of abandoned, rejected, exploited, and abused children. We are a culture largely consisting of hurting children in adult bodies. There is something about the practice of the arts, whether music, dance, theater, or poetry, when done well, that sings the truth of our hurting culture. Now and again there comes an artist who reaches within the hurts of their own life and puts it out for the world to see. We see it, feel it, and the soul within it resonates with our own experience. I think for me and millions of others, Michael Jackson was able to do that. What then happens is that millions of us project our pain onto the artist. We also project our adoration onto the artist for his/her dance or song that speaks our truth and when we witness it, we cry out, "Yes! I feel that! That's it! You named it!".

I'm not certain what we, as a culture, can do to prevent these kinds of tragedies-- the tragedy of a gifted artist losing himself or herself within their art. Not only is MJ's death a horrible tragedy, I consider it tragedy that he lived with such suffering, physically and emotionally. The only thing I can think is that we collectively nurture and value our children, so that they grow up with a strong sense of who they are. In psychology we call this ego strength. If we can build children with good ego strength,then these are the children who have the ability to create and also stay within themselves. They will be able to create and not feel compelled to take on the pain of the world in the process. Children with solid ego strength can sing it, dance it, write it, and know it is a gift to God and the universe, not the sum of who they are.

So, I don't want to belabor this horrible event but really find some MEANING. It's necessary for us all. Whether MJ sang and danced the story of your life is not the issue really. Whether he harmed more than he rescued, I cannot say either, though I admit to a fondness for MJ and sincere belief that he loved children. I can say without doubt, however, that the pattern of his living and dying seems to becoming one that is all too common,and this hurts. This is the anguish of it.

Photo above found at:
http://lumenatra.deviantart.com/art/For-Our-Children-102164042

Intimacy? Why?

2009-08-23T18:59:00.009-05:00

I am having some meandaring thoughts about intimacy-- so bear with me while I try to organize them here! I was thinking about what intimacy is, how it happens, and why we are so reluctant to have it. First of all, intimacy is when two or more people come together and CONNECT. Intimacy can happen between spouses, friends, parent and child, or most any relationship. Each person brings a real self into the moment with the other person who brings a real self. What I mean by this is that I am in touch with my thoughts, feelings, and values, and come into relationship to share them openly, willingly, and honestly. The other person(s) does this as well and a magical thing happens-- intimacy. Intimacy is not enmeshment, which means we come together and I lose myself in whoever I fantasize you to be, and you lose yourself in whoever you fantasize me to be. When we are enmeshed, we lose ourselves in other people. When we are intimate, we bring what we have and ultimately always find more of who we are. In true intimacy, I can say "no" when I need to and can respect the other's "no" as well without falling apart.

Intimacy does not happen without practice. I believe developing the capacity for intimacy is just as crucial as language development. Also, like language, intimacy is best learned at an early age. We can learn intimacy and new languages later in life, but it is always more difficult. Our brains are just primed to get these things very early on! Intimacy begins at birth... the touch, smells, and sounds of our caregivers. We cry and they meet our needs. We explore the world and caregivers look on lovingly and encourage us to try new things. We make mistakes and caregivers may critique, offer advice, or support. In all these ways, and many more, we learn who we are and how to share our budding selves with others without fear.

So if intimacy is all that and a bag of chips, then why the hell are most of us running scared when it comes to getting intimate? Well, fear is always based on fear of loss. Thank you, Dr. Howard Lipke, for giving me this wonderful insight this weekend! The fear can be a loss that already happened and fear wards off the sadness and grief of the past loss. If you experienced true intimacy with someone, then lost that person, being intimate with another can trigger those painful feelings of loss. The other type of fear of loss, is fear of a future loss. For example, we may fear that if I become intimate with you, then I will lose myself. Often adults who experienced physical and/or emotional abandonment as children fear intimacy for this reason. They fear that if they share who they really are, then you will not want to be with me anymore and leave, just like others have before.

Love addicts have often experienced both enmeshment and abandonment. In their world, these are the only two options. The love addict experiences enmeshment as a wonderful union, a supernatural connection, when the addict is truly FOUND in the other person. The love addict is able to experience a self through the eyes of the other person. This is terribly exhausting for the object of the love addict's affection.

The love avoidant often fears intimacy due to strong fears of potential abandonment. The love avoidant ultimately wants to be admired and maintain a sense of control. Love avoidants will pursue a love addict (who often appears in distress and in need of a hero). The love avoidant comes onto the scene, saves the day, then wants to bask in his/her bravado. When the love addict begins to actually seek identity through the love avoidant, the avoidant fears that intimacy may be approaching and intimacy means you will see I am really not a supernatural savior. True intimacy could also mean that you see the real me and abandon me, as others have before. Thus, the love avoidant does what avoidants do best... well, avoid! Run! This sends the addict into a desperate chase, which only makes the avoidant run harder. You see the pattern.

Another barrier to true intimacy is that many people are completely out of touch with their own thoughts, feelings, and values, and therefore, cannot possibly share them with someone else. How can I bring anything to the table, when I have no clue what is in my pantry? This is true for both addicts and avoidants, and why the first step to any recovery is development of a self. I guess what I am realizing then is that true intimacy always happens first with self and Higher Power before it happens elsewhere... what a concept. Sometimes meandering takes us to nice places.

Photo above found at:
http://millesime.deviantart.com/art/Two-Women-3-32709018

Gimme a C! Codependent!

2009-08-03T21:10:00.009-05:00

Codependent is a term that confuses many people. Some people believe they know what it means, but really do not have a full understanding of the codependent role. The word codependent has such a negative connotation, too. I mean, who really wants to willingly identify themselves as codependent? Most of us get there only after years of codependent behavior that has made our lives a wreck, and we acknowledge ourselves as codependent. By this time, we would almost graciously accept the label of Boo Boo the Fool just to get some relief! I'm hoping to shed some light on what exactly IS a codependent?

A cheerleading team has a captain and a co-captain. The co-captain is there to assist the captain with tasks that the captain cannot handle alone. The co-captain is the leader in situations where the captain is unable to perform his/her managerial duties for the team. I have never heard of someone say, "Oh, I want to be co-captain of my cheerleading squad!" The co-captain is generally someone who wanted to be captain, and didn't have the seniority, skills, clout, whatever, to be captain. It's somewhat the same with a CO-dependent. The co-dependent is there to assist the addict with tasks that the addict cannot handle alone, as a result of their addiction. The co-dependent has to step up and lead when the addict is unable to perform his/her duties, as a result of their addiction. No one ever says they want to grow up and be an addict, and no one ESPECIALLY says they want to grow up to be a CODEPENDENT!

We become co-dependents by default, that is, when we grow up in an unpredictable, scary, and/or chaotic environment, one where we have no developmentally appropriate level of control. Often these are environments where one or both parents/caregivers are addicts or codependent themselves. Children in these homes cannot predict from day to day what punishments might be, whether parents will be happy or raging, what might make a parent happy, if Dad or Mom will be high, or if anyone will be home to cook dinner. When we cannot be captain and have some measure of control, we are defaulted to codependent.

Let me preface by saying, there are NO perfect parents. We need only be good enough. Children need safety, unconditional warmth, someone who nurtures development of unique skills and traits, a caregiver who provides predictable structure and routine, and someone who listens/validates the child. When one or more of these are consistently not met, the child fails to develop emotionally. The body grows, but there is not a person in there!

The foundational definition of codependency is lack of self or lack of a relationship with self. Codependents are addicted to addicts, taking care of addicts, being angry at addicts, taking out revenge on addicts, getting abused by addicts, leaving addicts and finding new addicts. Codependents can even act out this addiction with other codependents, just to make things clear as mud here. Because no core identity really exists (apart from SHAME perhaps),codependents need the mirroring approval, acceptance, and needs of other people to give themselves a face or identity. Addicts love codependents because the codependent morphs into whatever being the addict requires him/her to be. If the addict needs money, the codependent can provide that. If the addict needs you to love him/her and not ever mention the addiction, codependents can do that. If the addict needs someone to defend and justify their behavior, codependents will do it! Codependents are blank slates upon which addicts can write out the person they need.

Codependents are as variant as the many ethnicities of the human race itself. They do not all look nor behave exactly the same. Some are bitter, unlovable people. Some are successful in their work (probably in a caretaking career, such as nursing or social work!), yet burn out or have multiple boundary and ethical violations on the job and are forced to do something else. Being a codependent is very hard and exhausting work. This is why in addition to the magical morphing trick they do, nearly all codependents beg for help from others with all the caretaking they do. If they are too proud to ask for help with the caretaking, they may play the martyr, do it ALL completely alone (without complaint, mind you) and wind up physically ill, mentally ill, or dead.

The life of a codependent is a tiring one and full of stress and misery, but there is hope! Codependents can heal and get well. They can overcome past wounds, develop a relationship with self, and soon the addict magnet stops working. I feel I've rambled on quite a bit for tonight, so maybe we'll get to that in another post! So, I guess the moral of this story is-- if you're not nominated as captain, then politely decline the co-captain position and just enjoy the away games and the pep rallies!

Photo above found at:
http://wesleykhall.deviantart.com/art/You-Go-here-31600741

For Nina

2009-08-01T15:38:00.005-05:00

A fellow blogger, sweet Ms. Renita at somethingwithin.com posted this video a few days ago. I was so moved by it, I wanted to try to share it here. After watching this performance of Nina Simone, I was moved to write the poem below.

Whatever you do, do it with
your full heart, lay your very life
across the keyboard as your hands stretch the song
we all have known but lacked
the courage to sing. Do it with
your full soul, when you pack your lunch.
Pick the apple whose reds and yellows stripe and
fuse into a shout that says Glory be to God!
String your words together like diamonds that
adorn the queen's throat, say what you say like
you mean it
make us believe it.
Whatever you do, do it without shame
do it while you catch your breath
do it whether tears or rain cover your face
do it because it is what you were created to do
do it when you don't feel pretty,
when your way is wrong.
Do it through sweat
through racism and
sexism classism and ageism.
Do it again and again and
when you do
we will believe it.

Helping Hands

2009-07-30T13:46:00.006-05:00

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

Have you ever gotten so bogged down in your own self-care that you actually do harm to yourself? For me this starts out with some well-intended books on organization or self-care. One book turns to two or three that I am reading at one time. Then I go to a seminar and realize that I need more daily meditation and that's my real problem, so I throw that in too. While I'm watching Joyce Meyer and getting ready for work I hear her point out that so many Christians focus way too much on themselves and should give more to others if they want peace. I agree and decide I want to volunteer some counseling hours to a local shelter today. But wait, my son has a dentist appointment at 9am and then I have a meeting at work at 2pm. I can't miss that meeting, because I was already late last time, because I was taking a lunch spa break, something my therapist recommended! Guilt and depression come creeping around the corner... I'm working so hard to take care of myself, why am I so tired and pissed off!!

Some of my best meditation time comes unplanned-- while mowing the yard or driving to work. This is when God has me silent enough that He can whisper some good wisdom to me for the day, and yesterday I felt step 3 pattering its sweet tiny feet into my heart-- give yourself over to My care today, I can do it for you. I was obsessing over the fact that I forgot to pack a lunch in addition to about 500 other things I needed to do. My sarcastic reply to God was, "What? Are you going to provide lunch for me today? That's what I need." His reply, "Sure. I'll take care of it." Now I am either so stressed that I am developing audio hallucinations and delusions of grandeur that I have conversations with God or I could just go with it. I stepped out on a leap of faith that the words I was feeling were true and that God really did want to take care of me today.

I finished up a string of meetings at 1pm and was starving and said, "Where's my lunch, God?" He said, "in the large conference room." I laughed to myself and walked up to the large conference room. A short distance from the door I began to get this wonderful smell of seasoned chicken. I walked into the room and there was a lunch spread. A cute little blond lady said, "Hi! Would you like some lunch? What do you do here?" It was a pharmaceutical rep who had come to speak to children's medical providers and therapists today (that would be me) and brought us lunch in return. It was a delicious lunch and a great presentation on a popular ADHD medication that I had some questions about! Thanks, God.

That moment and that promise fulfilled gave me such joy, just knowing I am NOT alone. The Creator of the Universe has all resources and wealth at His disposal to give me the best care possible. Often He places crafty tools in my head and hands that I use to do the work of self-care. Other times, He just reaches down those big sweet hands and does it for me. Every day. I just need to ask. Every day turn my LIFE and my WILL over to the care of God and things are just so much easier.

http://thestephanie5790.deviantart.com/art/Helping-Hands-89523883

Shout Out

2009-07-24T12:38:00.004-05:00

to wet pavements glistening like
freshy glazed doughnuts
to the raindrops arrogant on
my clean car.

Shout out to mamas crying
children crying
teachers crying
balloons popping
pink bubblegun popping
pop rocks popping
heartbeats never stopping.

Shout out to turkey and swiss
lime slurpees and nacho cheese
to taking the top down
to ponytails down
to walls coming down
to Brandi wanting to be down
to turning the lights down and
the upside of down.

Shout out to sunshine on eyelids
sunshine on shoulders
sunshine on bare arms
Shout out to snowflakes
Shout out to earthquakes
to all my mistakes
stacked chocolate cake
to God-- I'm awake
Shout out for the shout out's sake.

Photo above found at:
http://melaniumom.deviantart.com/art/Shout-to-the-Lord-33524981

If It Weren't for Autism...

2009-06-30T20:19:00.003-05:00

Although I hate having Autism as part of my life and affecting my children's lives, I'm beginning to realize that Autism is teaching me some essential lessons about parenting.

If it weren't for Autism...

1. I could have been one of those Moms who tells her kids to "shut up"
2. I might have gained my own self-worth through my children's successes
3. I might have taken it for granted to hear my children read
4. I would have certainly been a control freak parent who HAS to have a clean house and perfect kids on order to feel OK
5. I would have my kids signed up for too many activities and have the entire family stressed
6. my husband and I might have little to talk about
7. I would not have been able to find this kind of joy in my chilren's words
8. I might have overlooked the invaluable gift that only other children can give to my kids
9. I would have never experienced the completely unselfish and precious gifts some teachers and caregivers have offered
10. I might have gotten lazy about teaching the basics of making friends, coping with anxieties, and using your words to have your needs met

Because of Autism...

1. I will have the immense joy of watching my children accomplish the nearly impossible task of graduation and moving away from home OR I will have the joy of getting to live with them always... either way it'll be joy
2. I have learned to relax and let my children have fun
3. I have learned to play
4. I experience GRATITUDE every day for smiles, eye contact, complete sentences, having other kids WANT to come to our house, and happy children who love life

Photo above found at:
http://pace067.deviantart.com/art/playing-76538743

From Victim to Victory

2009-06-26T11:41:00.007-05:00

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I am a fan of feeling the pain. Go in it, dig in it, rub it all over your body, cry, writhe, scream, act a total fool and get it out. We've often kept quiet too long. We've hid our true sadness, masked our real anger, and been scared frozen of our own grief. For crying out loud (no pun intended) FEEL it. This is my mantra.

I don't really know exactly how long this process takes. From my own experience and walking with many clients through pain and grief, there seems to be a peak when the pain is at its worst, then it starts to recede and we're able to move. At times it is so painful we try to escape it through overeating, living out a rescue fantasy with a crazy partner, drugs, depression, work, whatever will distract! Then we'll go back to the pain until it is unbearable and start the escape process again. Working through pain is very messy. It is filled with stops, starts, and lots of damage done at times to our relationships while lashing out or completely withdrawing. There are sometimes periods where our work and family lives are put on hold while it takes every ounce of physical and emotional energy just to put one foot in front of the other for one more day. Nonetheless, we do make it through one more day.

The whole point is that eventually this does end. This horrible suffering is endured. Yes, it is. It is endured and it begins to recede. Unfortunately, I see people all the time who never seem to find this end. There are many reasons why this might happen. Sometimes people become stuck because they do not have the external resources to move forward. That is, they do not have social supports, positive relationships, or they continue to experience unfortunate life circumstances they set them back. Another reason people may become stuck is due to lack of internal resources. This is when a person may be fully willing to begin rebuilding a positive new life and they have no clue where to start. For these folks, there are little to no positive or helpful thoughts embedded anywhere in their brain that can be accessed during this time.

I believe a third possible reason people get stuck is they have adopted the VICTIM ROLE and are very hesitant to give it up. Being a victim actually feels good in some sense. When we are the victim, we can blame someone else for being the "bad" person. Look what he/she did to me! Being the victim requires little effort. We can just lie there, cry, and receive lots of comfort and empathy from people. This feels good and we do need that continually throughout our lives. Ultimately, however, we get up from our bed of ashes, take off the sackcloth, and decide it is time to take responsibility. When we stop identifying ourselves as the victim, we are forced to live life looking not at what people do TO us but rather to look at what are WE doing for ourselves. Frankly, sometimes we are just too lazy and/or scared to tackle this.

I have been a victim many times throughout my life. I grieve these episodes and validate them. I acknowledge the reality of what happened and the depth of the pain it caused. I gained a sense of self-acceptance and even self-worth by allowing myself the space to do that. What naturally grows from this is that self-love propels you into action. Yes, I have been hurt, and I am feeling strong enough now that I want to rise above it. I am nobody's victim today. I have not forgotten the past but I don't recreate it today. I don't even really need to talk about it today. My eyes are on the future and creating a great life for myself.

Jesus asked a crippled man, "Do you want to get well?" This man had sat by a pool of healing waters for years complaining that no one would help him into the pool. Essentially, Jesus said, "If you really want to get better, then GET UP."

If you are in your 10th year of grieving, cannot enjoy life, and are not sure why... well, gather your wonderful self together, organize your external and internal resources, and GET UP!

Photo above found at:
http://nihilistka.deviantart.com/art/Lazy-57658801

Michael Jackson-- Much Love

2009-06-26T10:52:00.008-05:00

Say what you will about Michael Jackson as a person, but no one can deny the musical genius and talent in this man. With all the garbage being said about him today, I wanted to put out something positive in his memory. I was a child of the 80's so MJ pretty much sang the soundtrack of my childhood. What a talent! He started out breaking down cultural barriers in 1970 with his performance on Ed Sullivan with the Jackson 5:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e-0Sc1IsAI

I watch some of his video performances and am amazed at his dancing. MJ brought a dance style all his own, completely unique, and one that is copied by pop and R&B performers today. He set the stage with his moonwalk performance on the Motown awards show. I watch this video and stand in awe. Who does this?! WOW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZt_qpZ1N3o

His dance sequences in Thriller and Smooth Criminal are amazing. I could watch them again and again. They stand the test of time in talent and entertainment. I listen to his songs today and hear the soul that pours out. Even on later albums that didn't get the sales and notoriety of earlier albums, he put his all into his vocal performances on those songs. He lays his very soul on the line in Man in the Mirror and Dirty Diana. You can't sit still while listening to Don't Stop Till You Get Enough and Billie Jean. He's given us a legacy of entertainment and wonderful music. May you finally find rest, MJ. Thoughts and prayers to your family.

These are Children

2009-06-20T09:15:00.005-05:00

Pray for the ones who cry alone
who cry aloud
for those who cry to mothers and
those who hold the tears in cold
steel cups behind the eyes.
Pray.
Pray for the ones who tremble at
themselves, who fear the night, who
hope to die,
suffer in silence,
reach out for someone
anyone anything
find nothing.
Pray.
Pray and know these are children.

Pray when you rise from your bed, when
you hum along to the radio in
rush hour traffic.
Pray when scrubbing the dishes
rocking the babies
mowing the grass
reading the morning paper.
Pray.
Pray for someone else's children.

Melissa Greene
the photo above can be found at:
http://captainkodak1.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-for-Pain-39129342

Writing as Therapy

2009-06-08T17:37:00.009-05:00

I recently had a comment from Glenda Beall, a fellow blogger at Netwest Writers ( netwestwriters.blogspot.com ). I love her blog and hang out there quite frequently just for the sense of writers' community I get there. Glenda pointed out to me how she too has felt writer's block during times of happiness. I mentioned this in an earlier post, and I couldn't agree more that writing is a form of therapy.

I do a writer's workshop once a week at Vanderbilt's Adolescent Psychiatric Hospital. This project is made available through Nashville's Youth Speaks organization. This pulls together my two greatest loves, psychology and creativity. I find that the troubled children there are highly creative, cooperative and open to the writing process. I enjoy them every week and find such inspiration in their courage to share honestly. Although I work with lots of great poets who also help facilitate this writing group, I believe I am acutely aware of the personal struggles of the adolescents there because of my experience in counseling this population for many years now. I enjoy them so much, and I am always thinking of both writing skills as well as tools that will help them cope with the many traumas and stresses they face in their young lives. I thought I might share some of those with my readers.

Processing an Emotion

One skill I teach the teens is how to take a feeling and squeeze every drop of sensation from it. I encourage them to describe in great detail the thoughts, body sensations, colors, and images associated with it. A common exercise we do is giving the emotion 5 senses. For example, if anger had a taste, what would it be? What color is anger, what would it feel like in your hands? Often we hold intense emotions in one side of the brain with no connection to positive neural pathways or even words! This exercise helps to make emotions more bearable and work them through.

Dealing with Obsessions

Another skill I teach the adolescents is how to "write out" an obsession. Often these children are plagued with anxieties or worries. I ask them to imagine that they have literally been eating whatever is the target of their obsessions or anxieties. If they ate this particular thing, what would we see running from the corners of their mouths? What would other people think or feel when seeing this? How did it feel to swallow? The kids love this exercise. One girl wrote, "There is no pain like mine. I have been eating your last words to me."

I believe our writing puts to words the pains that are often indescribable. I cannot tell you about the depth of my hurt, but I can describe the cold hand clenched around my throat, hoping to take my life. Bringing these feelings into being through image and sound puts them into a safe container. Writing about joy engages the same senses, but joy is not often a feeling that was forced into suppression, nor does it require safe placement. Joy is safe, and I'm more accustomed to writing about the forbidden. Joy, I feel it but am still learning to write it!

Picture above found at:
http://lavidamesorprende.deviantart.com/art/Writing-at-the-beach-8919736

His Garden

2009-05-21T10:50:00.004-05:00

Here I am
the wild and loose fuschia
rose you tried to hide.
You wanted a larger
more profound bloom, one
that flowers then dies
flowers then
dies, flowers
then dies
all summer.
You cut me
to place her inside where
her pleasing delicious colors could
satisfy you again and again.
You didn't plan for me to
break loose against
the grafting.
You didn't expect me
to live again but provide
only a backbone and
heartbeat to your
hybrid rose, created to
please you but
here I am
burst free from my training
spraying these clusters of
chaotic pink flowers
spreading tiny uninhibited
foliage across your porch
across your evergreens, even
the peonies and
stately stalks of oriental lily
rising to late spring.
Here I am
the wild that cannot be
contained, the finely planned
disorganization of one-season
blooms created by One
who smiles on such things.
You didn't expect me this spring but
He did.

Melissa Greene
The photo above can be found at:
http://uktara.deviantart.com/art/The-Secret-Garden-3-88532101

The Secret

2009-05-03T09:10:00.002-05:00

Two girls discover
the secret of life
in a sudden line of
poetry.

I who don't know the
secret wrote
the line. They
told me

(through a third person)
they had found it
but not what it was
not even

what line it was. No doubt
by now, more than a week
later, they have forgotten
the secret,

the line, the name of
the poem. I love them
for finding what
I can't find,

and for loving me
for the line I wrote,
and for forgetting it
so that

a thousand times, till death
finds them, they may
discover it again, in other
lines

in other
happenings. And for
wanting to know it,
for

assuming there is
such a secret, yes,
for that
most of all.

by Denise Levertov

Children with Autism: Quote of the Day

2009-05-02T08:50:00.000-05:00

"This stapler is broken!! Staplers are so overrated."

Hannah,
age 8

Joy and Pain

2009-05-02T08:40:00.005-05:00

Hello all. I've noticed that I have neglected my writing here on my blog and I'm not really sure why. Honestly, I have just been so peaceful and happy lately that I feel I am losing my artistry! Most of my life my creativity has been fueled by pain and anxiety, so what do you write about when life is good? This is just a HORRIBLE dilema! I purchased a poetry anthology for myself that celebrates joy, and it was encouraging for me to read that good poetry can still be "happy." This is a very new thing for me... this happiness stuff... and I'm not sure how it is going to work for me. :-) In all seriousness, I am not naive enough to believe that all of life is this black and white-- there is either misery or joy. There's a large continuum and I am very grateful to be living much of my life these days on the joy end of the continuum. There is actually a place to be found, where one can hold both joy and pain and find contentment in that.

Common Mistakes Made by Therapists

2009-04-17T07:28:00.006-05:00

1. Too Much Advice Giving/Not Enough Listening: This is a common mistake made by many therapists, regardless of how long they have worked in the field. We know that people need to gather feelings from the limbic system and send them to the frontal cortex for processing. Essentially, they need to feel their feelings, talk about it. Feel a little, talk about it, feel it, talk about it. This process of feel then talk is what we call processing and, ultimately, healing. When we jump in too quickly and interrupt that process with advice, the client is not given the opportunity to engage in the processing, and a giant piece of work is left undone.

2. Impatience: This is usually the mistake that leads to mistake #1. Good therapists can quickly assess a client and often have a fairly accurate reading as to why a client is in therapy, what is contributing to their problems, and what they need to do to change-- all within the first 2-3 sessions. The impatient therapist recognizes all of this and wants to jump straight to the healing! As therapists, we have to relax and allow clients to walk through their own process of change at their own pace. We have to accept that this process can sometimes takes months or even years. We may not even be around to see the entire process, and we need to accept that we are here for a time to assist this person in this phase of their growth. It is our role to guide, challenge, listen, and support along the way. This is often one of my own biggest mistakes, and what has helped me the most is learning to find the wonder in the client's process. I may have their ultimate goal in mind, but I have learned to find peace and gratitude in every little step they take to get there. It is much like parenting. We want our babies to grow up to be healthy adults, but this doesn't happen overnight! We celebrate every small accomplishment along the way.

3. Taking Clients out of Their Feelings: Because most therapists are naturally and intensely compassionate people, it is often difficult for them to sit with a client who is experiencing pain. We know we want clients to discuss their hurts, and when they do they will cry or rage. This is difficult to watch and be with, particularly when you are connected with the client. We do not enjoy seeing people hurt and we want to rescue them from this. This is especially hard with child clients, so children's therapists need to be particularly mindful of this trap. As therapists, we should remind ourselves-- it is good for clients to feel; it is good for all people to feel; this client needs to experience this deferred grief or anger; these stored feelings have become toxic and are poisoning this person, we have to clean it out.

The field of psychotherapy naturally draws to it hurting people with deep wounds of their own. This is true for many "caretaking" fields such as social work and nursing. This is not to say that every therapist and nurse is a hopeless codependent. It is just very important for those of us in this field to know why we came to it, be aware of it, and how it affects us when we step into the room with clients. Many therapists have deep wounds or "original pain" as John Bradshaw described it. If a therapist has not worked through their own "original pain," he/she will be unable to allow a client to go there. This leads to mistake #4.

4. Denial of Personal Make-up/Triggers: I have seen countless therapists who present with giant steel barriers around their own pasts and hurts. A good therapist has to acknowledge their own humanness. That is, they have to admit, I am a person capable of the same hurts and behaviors that my clients come to treatment with. I am capable because I am human too and I have my own weaknesses and issues that I work through daily. If you are a human being, then you are imperfect and have flaws. Therapists have to be comfortable with their flaws, which may be a tendency to control others, defensive, overly sensitive, or procrastinating, etc. It's ok to admit weaknesses to yourself! Therapists who are in denial that they have any personal issues of their own often come across as judgemental with clients. Their attitude is "Why can't you just do the right thing, get better, and be a great person like me?" If you believe for one second that this attitude does not come across with your clients, allow me to correct you-- IT DOES. A good therapist should believe from their very core, "But for the grace of God, there go I."

5. Poor Self-Care: Every day when we, as therapists, step into sessions with clients we bring our tools into treatment. Carpenters use hammers, nails, saws, etc. Doctors use their scalpels, x-ray machines, and whatnot. Therapists, well, we bring ourselves. We bring our minds, our bodies, and our emotions. When I come into the therapy room I want to bring healthy, sharpened, up-to-date tools. Would you want your doctor doing surgery on you with an outdated rusty tool? Would you want someone building your home with half the tools missing or without any blueprint? In the same vein, we should bring a healthy self into treatment. We should take good care of our feelings. This means we ACKNOWLEDGE that we have them, especially feelings brought up in therapy with this client. We get our own good therapy to keep our emotions and mind sharp and healthy. We stay connected with peers and supervisors to remain cleaned out. We get good sleep, exercise, eat well. We manage our time, delegate, speak up for ourselves, and know when to remain quiet. We nurture ourselves spiritually, physically, and mentally. We TAKE VACATIONS AS NEEDED without guilt. If you care about your field and your clients, then start with caring about you!!

6. Stagnation: Ok, therapists, here is a real shocker for you. Did you know that when you graduate from school that you really know very little in the way of providing good therapy?! Did you know that you will hone your skills in the moment with clients and in your supervisions and consultations? Good therapists are not born from textbooks alone and the textbook you learned from in 2006 may already be made obsolete by new research? Many well-intentioned therapists graduate and believe they are now finished with learning. They may feel "I know all about Psychology, I have a degree, " and never care to crack another book on the subject or seek out good guidance. Getting a degree in Psychology does not make you a therapist, it's just a good start. After that you have to stay updated in what is going on in your field. There are so many wonderful new treatments available. Every day we are learning about the brain's involvement and impact on behavior. Again, would you want a doctor operating on you who is operating using techniques from a 1920's textbook? This is not to say that some of our great foundational teachings in psychology are to be forgotten... they are not. Just stay current and open-minded.

The cartoon above is originally found at:
http://emperornortonii.deviantart.com/art/The-World-s-Worst-Psychiatrist-19694748

Children with Autism: Quote of the Day

2009-04-14T21:00:00.001-05:00

"Eeewww, look at that nasty wig," says Caleb while playing with my hair.

Caleb
age 5
( I don't wear a wig, by the way... just thought I'd add that. :-) )

Children with Autism: Quote of the Day

2009-04-11T09:39:00.001-05:00

After several days of telling the 5 year-old boy that it's "too wet and muddy outside to play," he asks,

"Mom, is it clean outside yet?"

Caleb,
age 5

Children with Autism: Quote of the Day

2009-04-09T06:27:00.003-05:00

"I am prisoning you to Daddy forever, because you have ruined my life!!"

(while in a tantrum)
Hannah,
age 8

Chidren with Autism: Quote of the Day

2009-04-08T18:22:00.001-05:00

"Mom, I think ear lobes are fun to play with."

Hannah,
age 8

What in the Hell Are You Thinking?!

2009-04-07T16:58:00.007-05:00

Really... I mean, really... come one... you're joking... you're kidding me, right? Surely to all goodness, you are not going back to that worthless loser? You are NOT going to move your entire family into your mother's house! You're getting married... again?! To an alcoholic?! WHY are you having a baby with someone you just wanted to divorce last month!!!

These are situations I face every day, not just as a professional in the field of counseling, but as a professional human. We all have friends, family, or acquaintances that make us ask-- "What the hell are you thinking?!" To speak the truth or to not speak the truth, this is the dilemma. This is a dicey and tricky dilemma and one I delve into with great consideration.

First of all, I think you have to consider the nature of your relationship with the person in question. If this is a co-worker or a not-so-close acquaintance, you should probably keep your mouth shut. Most people are really not all that interested in honest feedback, even those people who go to a therapist and pay money for honest feedback. It is really hard to hear the truth about ourselves sometimes. It is painful and we want to avoid pain and discomfort. Even if this co-worker or not-so-close acquaintance asks you for your opinion, if the situation involves any of the delicate matters referenced in the first paragraph-- really, don't give your opinion. I have found that a response like this works well, "Wow, you are really dealing with a tough situation here. It looks like you're just doing the best that you can right now. I really hope this works out for you." This is an honest statement and keeps you out of it.

If the person in question is a very close friend or dear family member, then there may be reason to share honest feedback. If your closest friends cannot tell you the truth, then who else do you have? Before divulging rigorous truth to even a close friend, ask yourself these questions: Will my honest feedback actually help my friend/family member in this situation? Are other people telling them this same information? If so, how are they receiving it thus far? How can I give this feedback AND insure my friend/family member I love and care for them? Could the consequences of my NOT sharing my opinion create harm to myself or other people? Will my NOT sharing my opinion hinder my relationship with this person or affect the way I feel about myself?

Since we are talking opinions here, it is MY opinion that we should only be completely and bluntly honest with others when we feel the information is vital to the person's health/well-being, the person is at least somewhat likely to receive it, and/or we cannot maintain our own integrity if we say nothing. There have been times when I have been confronted or given honest feedback and initially did not receive it very well. After a few days or weeks of allowing the information to sink in, I began to realize the truth in it and own it as my own truth. I was later able to thank the person for having the courage to be so honest with me.

So, when are the times to just remain silent? Perhaps you have already shared your honest opinion multiple times and it is not being heard. Perhaps others have also confronted or asked the person in question, "What the hell are you thinking?!" If this person continues on their own path toward destruction despite the repeated warnings and offered assistance from others, you just have to let go. You have the right to limit your relationship with the person (if the friend/family member's behavior is affecting you). There are also those people who are strong-willed and just need to experience mistakes... again and again... before they finally get it. Those are tough people to love, especially if they are your children, for example! Sometimes we remain silent because we love the other person enough to let them have their own mistakes. We care enough to let them walk through their own process of change and see the mistakes for themselves. This is so hard to do.

So, the next time you have one of these "What the hell are you thinking?!" kind of moments, pause before posing this question. It's a loaded one and can bring with it big consequences.

Above picture found at:
http://charolett.deviantart.com/art/Technical-Difficulties-100970743

Surviving Withdrawal

2009-04-04T08:14:00.004-05:00

It seems that one of the biggest predictors for achieving sobriety (from any type of addiction-- drug, alcohol, love, gambling, etc.) is the person's ability to endure withdrawal. Certainly there are people who endure the pain of withdrawal and, in a matter of days or weeks, return to the drug. There are even those who have survived withdrawal multiple times. I think the largest group, however, are those who never enter withdrawal EVER.

I have come to believe that enduring withdrawal is nearly impossible when attempted alone. It's just too hard and an addict needs accountability, someone there holding them to the sober line. Addicts turn to the drug/activity of choice to avoid emotional pain of some sort. The use of addictive relationships and substances helps stave off pain from the past that, at the time, we did not have the tools to experience. A neglected or abused child with no parental support is not equipped to emotionally cope. The pain of this remains frozen and forever delayed through addictions. When this person, at age 35, decides to stop the addictions, the pain of that event, and perhaps many other events, shows up presenting a bill. Withdrawal pain includes experiencing delayed hurts... thus, why so many people fear they cannot endure it.

If someone feels they are ready to endure the darkness and pain of withdrawal, then I encourage you to surround yourself with loving and supportive people beforehand. Cut back on other responsibilities and be prepared to show immense kindness and compassion to yourself. Be prepared to cry, rage, and talk, talk, talk. You may want to write about what you are feeling. You may want to exercise or read about what you are going through. Reading about the process is a helpful reminder that the pain of withdrawal is productive and useful. Be patient with the process and know this is only a season of hurt and will yield great rewards when endured.

You have essentially been dropped into the ocean with oxygen, a flashlight, and a compass and told where to go. If you freak out and continually come to the surface, you will never be able to complete this mission. At some point you have to accept that you have all the tools you need to get where you are going. Stay calm, stay in the water, use your tools, and keep swimming.

Photo above found here:
http://conh.deviantart.com/art/A-Snapshot-of-Life-14918632

Speaking to Dad

2009-03-30T22:01:00.003-05:00

If words could bring you back to me, I
would string them like children
sliding wooden beads onto colorful strings
clack, clack, clack
my words would fall softly over you like snow
cover you in the security of night and stars.
I would rain my words down around you
with sweet drops of relief the plop of
the first raindrop fat and wet into the dry
spaces between us.
If it would bring you back I would
layer words soft and thick as chocolate
icing on a three-tier cake, spread them
gently in swirls, generous with
lacing the sweetness.
I wish my words could heal you
lift you in two strong arms
travel a thousand miles with your weight
to safety. If I could
I would save you with these words.
I would call
cackle caress cajole with
every word I ever learned till they
stacked to the heavens till
they covered all earth
till they brought
you back
to me.

Untitled Prayer

2009-03-27T20:11:00.003-05:00

Beloved
The sun lingers on the blossom
I am lost in you
Wandering rivers in the lush jungle of tomorrow
I see leopards preening
My heart thunders as I open my mouth to rain
I hear the bird of paradise
Her call blows over our heads like the muezzin at noon
Alive, I smell sacred cows, buffalo
The burning ghats
I drink the ghee-d tea
As dawn breaks over pale pink mountains crested with your snow.
A dry wind breaks against my neck
Mud covers my bare feet
Close by, Durga rides a lion, her ten arms poised for battle.
The demon kings lust after her, their serpents tremble in her path.
In an office in Beijing, a man is typing.
In a market in Rome, a woman cries.
On a beach in Goa, the dancers whirl in a techno trance.
In the darkness, the dark light glows like blackest pearl.
Years, Centuries, Millennia, Epochs, Aeons, Eternities kneel.

Claudia L'Amoreaux - January 30, 1999
Above photo found here:
http://hypertech.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-112785312

Spring in Centennial Park

2009-03-26T07:25:00.013-05:00

I am completely infected with the Spring Fever. Summer and fall are my favorite seasons and I've never been bit by the spring bug like I am this year. In the past I have viewed spring as a time of extreme temperatures-- some days 35 degrees, some days 70. It's highly unpredictable and rainy. It seems like this unpredictable allergy season begins and ends abruptly and some time in June it is suddenly 90 degrees here in middle TN and stays that way until September. This year, however, I am seeing such simple beauty in the green buds on my woody hydrangea, and the delicate grace of a budding cherry blossom. Centennial Park in Nashville was a great place for me to go celebrate this beautiful season.

Matthew 7:7,8

2009-03-26T07:24:00.001-05:00

Ask, and it shall be given you;
seek, and you shall find;
knock, and it shall be opened to you.
For whoever asks, receives;
and he who seeks, finds;
and to him who knocks, the door is opened.

Jesus of Nazareth

Blueberries and Caviar: The Thrill-Seeker's Life

2009-03-21T07:38:00.006-05:00

Some of us want to live life amped up 24/7. We want excitement, thrills, and drama each moment of the day. When this is not to be found, we can create some chaos and crazy to keep things interesting. There are people who know little else than the chaotic life and, unfortunately, it was hard-wired in them since childhood. When children or even adults live a life of emotional intensity for prolonged periods of time, then the internal thermostat for emotions is set to "high." For this person to feel balanced and regulated, he/she needs high levels of emotional activity. I've seen this to be true particularly for children who grew up in fear within their homes, either due to long-term abuse, neglect, or domestic violence. I've also seen adults who were carted from one wild activity to another as children with very little time ever given to silence or solitude. They have now become adults who must always be DOING and WITH PEOPLE and are teaching their children the same.

The thrill-seeker lives life much like someone who wants to eat caviar every meal every day. It takes a lot of money, time, and effort to acquire and sustain the caviar life for long periods of time. Not to mention, a daily diet of caviar is hardly good for the body. Man cannot live on caviar alone. A healthy body requires a varied diet, which often includes simple, accessible foods that richly nourish the body. Blueberries are one of the healthiest foods we can eat, full of antioxidants that ward off the bad guys roaming around within our bodies. One blueberry on the tongue is a delight, yet such a simple food. It's easy to forget the joy of simple things, such as a blueberry freshly plucked, a tomato right off the vine. Taking a bite is a spiritual experience as the rich juices fill your mouth, and your body celebrates at all the good being fed.

Thrill seekers, you want caviar every meal, but what you are missing is the thrill of the more simple day-to-day goodness of blueberries! There is soul food to be found in the quiet of washing your dishes, eating with family at the dinner table, or taking a hot shower. If you quiet yourself from the inside and settle into the simple moments, you will feel fed. You will feel nourished. You will bring balance to the emotional life.

Photo above found at:
http://rscorp.deviantart.com/art/summer-blueberries-44593196

Spring Fever, Baby

2009-03-17T20:48:00.008-05:00

The kids and I had to get out and enjoy this fabulous spring-like weather. Spring, spring, please come! We're ready for you!

Thoughts on Sex and Love Addiction

2009-03-14T08:52:00.005-05:00

I have been surprised and inspired by the response from readers regarding this series on sex and love addiction. I am so glad to know there are so many people hungry for healing and actively seeking information that can help them with their recovery. If I can be a source of information for anyone on this journey then I am happy to provide that support. If anyone has suggestions for future posts regarding addictions, please feel free to contact me at chloedawn10@yahoo.com . I am open to your ideas and feedback.

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 3

2009-03-08T09:48:00.008-05:00

Recovery is living fully within yourself one moment at a time. Recovery is accepting the reality of who you are, what you have done, and shrugging off shame in order to make this present moment one that restores you to health. Recovery is moving forward and letting go of the past. If you have survived withdrawal, congratulations. Welcome to your new life.

Living in recovery is not the happy-go-lucky, joyful, and easy life that we believed it would be. It is a lot of work re-parenting ourselves to be responsible and honest. In the beginning it requires a conscious effort to actually care for ourselves the way we should be cared for. This includes avoidance of toxic people and places. Caring for ourselves involves eating healthy, getting regular exercise, and always doing the next right thing. Most of all caring for ourselves means that our inner self-talk is loving, forgiving, and always encouraging to self. Most recovering addicts that I have worked with are their own worst enemies. They internally beat themselves up and require way too much from themselves emotionally and physically. When they are unable to meet their own exacting standards, they insult and kick themselves while they are down. It requires great effort to be able to say to yourself everyday, "I am doing a good job of learning how to live. I am worthy of this recovery. I am a good person." I find that those who laugh at these kinds of statements are often the people who do not believe them and, therefore, find them ridiculous to say. Even if you don't believe it, say it anyway. Fake it till you make it.

The original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous divinely argued that addiction is a spiritual deficiency. I finally get how this is true. We are created to be intimately connected with a power greater than ourselves. When that connection is damaged or non-existent, we suffer spiritually. This suffering is very painful and can drive people to substances and behaviors that "fill the void." If you have a fear of intimacy (the core of sex and love addiction), know that you will have the same fear of intimacy with a Higher Power. No one is to be trusted-- not even God! As you progressed in your disease, getting sicker and sicker, you finally reached a point where you knew you could never get yourself well on your own. You recognized you had no control over your sickness and your own diseased mind was incapable of healing your own diseased mind! In recovery we have no other option but to believe that there is a power greater than ourselves who CAN restore us to sanity. So, even though you did not initially trust God, you found yourself in a place where you had to.

I have been very encouraged by the many people who have come here seeking some help in their sex and love addiction. If I can offer you nothing else, let me offer this-- there is healing and recovery from your addiction. You do not have to suffer in the cycle of acting out and shame for the rest of your life. There is a Higher Power who is able to sustain you and who has a storehouse of unending medicines just for what ails you. You have to do your part, which is making that conscious effort to seek your Higher Power and connect with it every day. Now that you are past withdrawal, you are learning to walk out your life one day at a time. The support of others in recovery and the supernatural power from God will sustain you in recovery.

Above photo found at: http://www.deviantart.com/print/3634229/?forusername=Gemini-Soul

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 2

2009-03-04T10:22:00.008-06:00

Sex and Love Addiction-- the withdrawal and recovery phases. I am assuming and hoping that any addict at this phase is fed up with their own addiction. At this point, an addict is willing to endure whatever withdrawal pain that comes and willing to sacrifice and let go of whatever and whomever in order to shake this addiction. By now the addict realizes that to continue on in the unhealthy behaviors and patterns of sex and love addiction can mean only certain death or irreversible loss of sanity. It is this realistic and healthy fear that drives an addict into recovery.

Withdrawal is tough. Like an addiction to a substance, withdrawal from sex and love addiction involves emotional, psychological, and physical suffering. The addictive process is occurring in the brain, thus, sex and love addiction is just as neurological and chemical as an addiction to heroin or alcohol. Withdrawing from these neurological and dopamine highs can create physical symptoms of sweats, chills, headaches, stomach aches, fatigue and/or listlessness. There are the unavoidable emotional symptoms of fear, panic, anxiety, intense sadness or depression, anger, the sense of "going crazy," and many other possible feelings. The withdrawal process is different for every person both in symptoms and duration.

Withdrawal is the process of ceasing all harmful behaviors and patterns related to your own sex and love addiction. This may mean refraining from compulsive masturbation, no longer incessantly phoning an ex-lover or driving by their home, ending frequent sex with strangers, or leaving an abusive relationship. Define your "bottom-line" behaviors-- those behaviors that you must presently stop in order to begin withdrawal and recovery. Know that ceasing these patterns and enduring the pain of withdrawal will require support from others. This is a difficult process that will be made only more difficult if you attempt it alone. Find a support group, a therapist, and a nonjudgmental and supportive friend. Get yourself into a 12 step group for sex addiction or sex and love addiction (Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). If you cannot find one in your area then consider a group for recovering codependents or an Al-anon group. These are sound 12 step groups that will provide you emotional support and a foundation of 12 step work to get you started. Read and learn about your addiction. Take care of yourself emotionally and physically during this very difficult and trying time. This process can take anywhere from 1-6 months depending on the severity of the addiction and your consistency in refraining from bottom-line behaviors.

During the withdrawal phase of recovery, all of your poison and junk from the past will begin to bubble to the surface. Acting out and mood-altering with unhealthy partners and in unhealthy behaviors have kept these feelings at bay for many years. Now that you are no longer engaging in the love addiction, these feelings are allowed to come out. You may feel compelled to begin overeating, drinking, or completely isolating yourself from the world as a means to cope with withdrawal. As much as you can try not to pick up other addictions! As much as you can try not to go to the opposite extreme of sex and love addiction and become a sexual anorexic, mistaking that for recovery. Recovery from sex and love addiction does not mean you will never be in a relationship ever again, it means you are beginning a relationship with yourself for the first time ever.

If you endure, you will find one beautiful morning, you wake up with this strange feeling. You will feel quiet on the inside and open to the universe and a Higher Power. You will feel clean and free. It will likely scare the hell out of you, but pat yourself on the back. You are experiencing the peace of recovery and this is a marker that some painful emotional wounds have healed and you have begun a trusting relationship with self. Surviving withdrawal is an accomplishment to be grateful for and one that opens the door to deeper recovery... to be discussed in Part 3.