New Year, New Projects!

Happy New Year! 2012 is upon us and I, for one, and just grateful I am still here. I won't lie-- 2011 was rather hellish for me, but I have survived. That's what I do, I survive. I thought I should reiterate that since I have been horribly absent from my precious blog for over a month now. I have made a personal pact with self that I should post a minimum of two times per month on my blog. I have said many times that there is something about coming her and speaking that often brings clarity to my inner chaos.

I am reminded that it was late 2008 when I started blogging and I have found so much joy in it. This has been a useful and rewarding outlet for my voice. The bonus I did not expect is the community of blogger, recovery, and poet friends with whom I have connected along the way. I believe any true writer finds joy in just writing for self, but I have discovered the joy in sharing words with others and that was a reward I didn't expect.

I believe it's my three-year journey here (and the 34-year trek prior to that) which has led me to my new project-- a novel. That's right, people, I am embarking on a novel! Have I ever written fiction before? No! Have I ever had training or guidance in writing fiction? No! Is that stopping these characters from invading my mind and soul? No! I am in love with writing this story. The plot, the people, and the theme of this novel feel like a natural culmination of my life up to this point, and I MUST write it.

I have written poetry since I was eleven years old and I've spent a lot of time with poets. I get poets and have a solid understanding of how various poets write. I do not know any fiction writers and am not familiar at all with this experience. This process is entirely new to me, so I engage in it with my own style and my own unique approach. I am now at page 54 in my writing and there are portions of the novel so far that even my untrained eye sees are really bad. I am finding now that I am knee deep in the action of this novel, I am truly needing the guidance of other writers to navigate this process. I welcome any resources, books, websites, or kind advice any of you in bloggerland can offer me. I have begun doing some internet research on my own and found one article in particular that I really like. It's from The Guardian and is entitled "Ten Rules for Writing Fiction." I am especially relieved to hear that these writers often give conflicting "rules," which validates my budding belief that perhaps there is no one right way to do it. One of my favorite tips was given from the author, Roddy Doyle. He says, "Tip #1: Do not place a photograph of your favorite author on your desk, especially if the author is one of the famous ones who committed suicide." You can check out that entire article here.

More to come!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=writing#/d1s1qz6

A Lesson from Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." When I first heard this, I just paused. I wasn't sure if I believed that and something about it didn't feel right. My first thought was, "What about all the times that I've unintentionally hurt others and they continued to support me and give me another chance? I thank God for those people!" I want to be a merciful and patient person. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best. I don't want to believe something about a person because of one behavior. I also want to be smarter about good self-care and not routinely become someone else's doormat! Surely there has got to be a good balance in there somewhere.

Every now and again I will have a brief moment of clarity on a tough issue. My understanding of a problem or its solution will show its face like an image emerging in a cloudy crystal ball, then it's gone again. But for that one moment I felt a knowing. This is how many of us gain a new insight or how some of us move into acceptance of an issue as opposed to just being aware of it. I realized this week the truth of Maya Angelou's statement. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Take note of the behavior that was just displayed and adjust yourself within that relationship. This does not mean I have to stop believing in the good in the person. This does not mean that I give up on this person. It doesn't mean I become unkind or unforgiving toward them. What it does mean is that I can practice healthy and loving safeguards within that relationship so that I do not have to be hurt in the same way again by this same person! It does mean that I should take note of the other person's behavior and know they are capable of it again. It is good to believe the truth of another person's behavior. I can be respectful to the other person while also believing and knowing their potential for hurtful behavior.

It feels right to be given permission to trust my instincts. When someone shows me unhealthy behavior, my instinct is self-preservation and that is OK. It is not selfish. This is a loving act toward myself. I can love myself without being cruel to other people. In fact, it's really not very loving to the other people to allow them to continue practicing their unhealthy behavior with me time and time again. I see now that I can set a limit with other people simply by putting up some protection around myself! I don't have to go to someone and confront their behavior everytime. Often I can just observe their behavior and establish a boundary around ME. This actually speaks volumes to other people. Thank God for moments of clarity.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=maya%20angelou&order=9&offset=48#/d1immuq

Detachment: A Pathway to Peace

Detach. What a beautiful, yummy, and yet terrifying word. Here is Webster's definition of detach: "To disconnect: separate: to extricate oneself or withdraw." Detachment is an action often prescribed to us in our 12 step groups or by our therapists or friends. It means to emotionally let go of a situation or the outcome of a situation. Often we need to detach from people, because our remaining connected is poisoning us in some way. Always we detach as an act of love and ultimate respect toward ourselves.

Detachment becomes necessary when my connection to a thing, a person, or a situation is threatening to my sanity, my peace, my integrity, my health, or body. There are people so incredibly toxic that to remain involved with them means constant chaos and pain. Sometimes we may need to detach from a person who we cannot fully exclude from our lives, because they are our child or our boss at work. This type of detachment is a mental and emotional releasing. It is arriving at an emotional place where our own stability no longer hinges on what the other person says or does. We come to a knowing within ourselves that regardless of how the other person behaves, we will not be moved. We will not be flustered, angered, or care more than they do about themselves or their personal affairs. We lovingly lay down the other person's personal responsiblities at their own feet and walk away. We separate our sacred self from the choices of another human being. We detach.

There are situations in our lives that are troublesome and painful, situations which we cannot change despite our best efforts at trying. I am prone to worrying excessively, turning a problem over and over in my mind for a solution. Eventually the time comes when I have to be assertive with myself! I have to tell myself to detach from this situation. It is my responsiblity, after I've done all I know to do, to go to my Higher Power and ask for help. It is good that I lean on my Higher Power in these situations that are larger than me. I pray the Serenity Prayer for courage, wisdom, and serenity and I detach. I extricate my mind from the worry place. I forbid myself from going there. I connect to the resources of my Higher Power and disconnect from believing a situation outside of me holds the power to care for me or keep me happy. Often I must detach several times in one day or perhaps several times in one hour. Nonetheless I detach as often as I need to until I feel my peace begin to return.

Today I am so thankful for the skill of DETACHMENT, and today it feels good. There are times when detachment does not bring immediate relief, particularly the first few instances we detach from a painful person or situation. Laying down responsiblity for things we cannot control can force us to take responsiblity for ourselves in a way we have not been doing. We become more aware of our own feelings, all of them, the good and the bad. Sometimes there is intense grief after we detach from a situation. This is good and signifies moving toward ourselves and a fuller awareness of how we feel and what we need to do for ourselves.

How detachment comes and how it happens is a mystery to me. We do it when we're ready. I love this passage from Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: "Love and accept ourselves, as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard. The answer will come from detachment" (pg. 26). We may do it when we're worn out from trying everything else! We may do it out of anger or frustration. We may do it with tears of grief or even tears of relief, but do it. Just do it. When you know you have lost your very self to someone else's mess or troubles beyond your control. Just detach.

Photo Above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=letting%20go&order=9&offset=0#/d18ook4

A Prayer

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down
lift your heart toward heaven
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting
your heart toward heaven — only you.
It is in the middle of misery that
so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good came of this,
is not yet listening.

by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=heart%20praise&order=9&offset=120#/d14wh0s

Follow Me

Why is it that during times of stress that old codependent patterns try to rear their ugly heads? I suppose that our good reasoning gets compromised during times of chronic stress, which leaves us vulnerable to the temptation of codependent patterns. These patterns typically consist of taking the focus off of ourselves and becoming overly focused on what someone else is doing or not doing. It could also include the ceasing of self-care in order to take on more work (which we think is going to make someone else happy) or more worry (because we think we can just solve this problem if we try harder). CODEPENDENT PATTERNS. I can at least say that I more quickly recognize that familiar feeling of "my life has become unmanageable." On the path of recovery I have learned that my own chaotic mind, chaotic relationships, chaotic work, etc. is almost always a result of my attempts to control someone else. When I spend excessive amounts of time doing that, my own personal responsibilities get neglected and, thus, my life becomes unmanageable.

I probably sound like I'm talking from experience because I am REALLY talking from experience! In one of my codependent relapses last week, I got a new understanding about something. I was wondering how in the world Jesus managed a team of 12 disciples? I have a staff of eight at my job, and I sometimes feel as if I'm going to pull my hair out. I know Jesus had moments of frustration with His disciples as well. I am in no way suggesting that I am anything like Jesus or that my work mission reaches anywhere near Jesus's mission while He was on earth. I just thought, if you want to know anything at all about how to be a more effective leader, why don't you see how Jesus did it? The first and most important thing that struck me was how Jesus built his team of disciples. He went through various cities approached various men and said, "Follow me." They either followed or they gave him a sideways glance and mumbled under their breath, "Yeah, sure dude," then went back to their work. I also saw that there were people who came to Jesus and asked how to be a disciple or how to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He gave them a very direct and plain answer and many of them said something like, "Oh, wow, I didn't know it would require all that. OK, never mind." Then they left never to be heard from again. Jesus didn't get all emotional about it and chase after them saying, "It's really not that bad! You can do it! I'll help you, really, it'll be OK!" Either way, Jesus didn't beg people to do anything. He didn't threaten them. He didn't interview His disciples then choose who He thought would be the best candidates. He didn't try to convince people with long speeches backed up by the latest research stats or manipulate them through an emotional dissertation.

I've done all of the above and probably done all of the above just in the last few weeks. It's exhausting! I would now like to adopt the Follow Me approach. This approach involves saying simply and directly to someone what you would like for them to do, then you walk away and don't stress it. They will either do it or they will blow you off. When people comply with your requests with this type of approach, then you have a real keeper on your hands. There are actually many people who will just do what you ask, because they love you or respect you. We rarely make it to deeper more intimate relationships with these kinds of people, because we're wasting our time cajoling and pleading with the other type of person who really does NOT want to follow.

The second step of the Follow Me approach is in regard to those who do not follow. This approach requires that I do not chase after those who do not respond to a simple request and I do not block the consequences of their not following. I stand back and allow the chips to fall. If someone does not want to follow or comply with what I've asked, then I am no longer responsible for what happens to them after that. I've got to move on. When you live your life this way, you find yourself surrounded by a committed group of people who do not need to be routinely prodded and manipulated. What Jesus wanted from his disciples more than anything else was willingness. What better way to quickly identify that trait than to offer a simple request, "Follow me," then leave it in their hands.

So I'm moving forward now. Getting up out of the codependent ditch, dusting off and strapping on some Jesus sandals-- FOLLOW ME!

Photos above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=follow+the+leader#/d2oz6sf
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=follow%20the%20leader&order=9&offset=48#/d2tgndi

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I do not deal well with CHANGE. I think I've gotten better over the years, as I have come to realize that change is just part of life. Just as soon as I get familiar with one routine, something new comes along to disrupt it. Even good changes can send me into an emotional tailspin. My head is telling me that my entire family was in a comfortable routine for a little too long and it was beginning to foster complacency and boredom. My emotions, however, are screaming, "I don't care! I want to go back to complacency and boredom where it's safe!" Hubby is starting a new job, the kids are going to after-school care for the first time in their lives, my own work and exercise schedule will need to shift as a result, and our finances will need to have major adjustments.

A friend of mine called me the other day and read a portion of The Language o Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. She read to me about the anxiety of being in the "meantime" or the middle phases of change, the waiting periods. When we go on a trip, we have to prepare, then get in the car and travel. There is a distance between one place and another. If I am travelling to a place I know well and have been to before, I may feel very excited during the travel time. If I am travelling to a place I've never been and perhaps anticipate there may be bad experiences awaiting, then the travel time is miserable. My current travel time into this new phase of life has been miserable and it must be because I am anticipating the worst! I had a dream last night that didn't seem to make any sense, but now I get it. I dreamed that I had to travel to the other end of the state and didn't want to have to make the long drive (travelling across TN is beautiful but LONG). In the dream I boarded a new-fangled train system that jets you across the state in the speed of a plane. I saw the familiar scenery speeding past me as I travelled and I was amazed at how quickly I could get there. I believe this dream was a wish-fulfillment dream. I just want to get there now and avoid all this darned travel!

Today I make the commitment to enjoy the journey. Nothing bad is happening to me on this journey. It is merely a shift from one place to another. I don't know what the new place is going to look like, but this doesn't mean I have to fear it. God is a God of change. He created the seasons, aging and growth, the shifting weather patterns, and time itself. He is in control of all things... even as they change.

Painting above by:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=fast+train#/d28owyi

Out of the Shadow

I've been thinking a lot lately about our "Shadow Selves" and the human tendency to split off the parts of ourselves that we most dislike. I see this all the time with my clients-- not so much in myself, because those unlikeable parts of myself are separated away from consciousness! Carl Jung talked about our Shadow Selves, as the aspects of our personality that we don't want to claim. They are very much there and in daily operation. If we see someone else displaying a feature of our own Shadow Self, we may find ourselves feeling very angry or even disgusted with this person. A strong reaction like this has become my own first clue that I am encountering myself in these people.

I wrote several entries ago about one such Shadow Self, my Know-It-All side. A few weeks after sharing this Shadow Self with the whole world, I began to notice that I wasn't feeling so triggered by a certain person who displayed that trait himself. I realized that bringing my Know-It-All Self out of the shadows made me feel less disdain toward her/the Shadow Self. I shared in that post how the Know-It-All Self came to be and maybe this increased my compassion toward her as well as fellow Know-It-Alls I meet daily!

I often see parents, who encounter in their children, an aspect of their own Shadow Self. This is always difficult for me, because all people have intense reactions to people who display certain shadow traits we find reprehensible or repulsive. It's hard to watch a parent feeling this way toward their own child, yet I know the parent cannot help the way he/she feels. I once worked with a parent that had suffered horrific abuse as a child. She learned to suffer silently under the abuse, behaving as perfectly as possible in order to avoid further abuse. As a child, she learned to disown feelings labeled as "unacceptable" by her abuser-- primarily anger. She was not allowed to demonstrate any sense of outrage or injustice at what was being done to her or she was likely to experience even harsher physical punishment in return. This woman grew up to have a child with serious anger problems. It's probably no accident that the child learned to adopt this particular affect as his primary personality trait. Being an angry kid, however, left his mother feeling very threatened by him and made him unlikeable to her. This, in turn, also triggered her to adopt certain other aspects of her own abuser (i.e., becoming harsh, unjust, overly critical and controlling). This was a complex and unhealthy loop that the mother and child operated within and one that left me feeling very powerless in therapy.

I wasn't trying to zap the power of my Know-It-All shadow self by discussing it openly. That is exactly what seems to have happened, however, and hooray for me! I don't know if the parent I mentioned above would have been thrilled had I suggested she share with the internet world all the ugly aspects of her own angry Shadow Self. What I'm realizing though is that bringing that aspect of herself into consciousness is exactly what she needed-- as painful as it would be to do so. Maybe this could have been done through talking about the angry self, journaling, painting her, or acting it out. Some therapists might have used sandplay, psychodrama, or various other modalities. In our daily lives, we often do the same work without the guidance of a therapist. When we are writing, playing with our children, or creating in various forms, we are dipping our hands into the realm of our own subconscious minds and drawing out forgotten people from those dark places. It is in the birthing of these Shadow People and incorporating them into our conscious selves that we become whole.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?qh=§ion=&q=out+of+the+shadow#/d614by