Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Miss Smarty Pants
When I was around 9 years old, my parents divorced. As an adult I can see how this divorce was inevitable and necessary. Children, however, do not have adult logic and coping skills. Children believe things that are not true and sometimes believe things that are downright magical or fanciful. Children also tend to believe that the world revolves around them, thus other people's choices must be because of something the child has done. My child reasoning came up with the bright idea that my Dad left because I was not special in any way. Some children might have blamed themselves in various other ways, telling themselves, "I'm not a good girl, so Dad left," or "I argued with Dad last week, so he left," etc., etc. For me, I just felt PLAIN and therefore unlovable. I remember when school let out that spring, at the completion of fourth grade, I made the decision that one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty smart. I didn't consider myself particularly pretty, social, or talented in any way, but darn it, I could learn anything! So, I resolved to become the SMARTEST and this is what would make me special. My parents had ordered a set of encyclopedia books for me, and that summer I set out to begin reading and committing to memory the entire set. Oh, Dear...
Thus began my lifelong agenda of becoming a real know-it-all. In retrospect, I know I was a pretty smart kid, but so were alot of my friends. There was nothing really all that special about my good grades, but I had convinced myself it was the one thing that kept me special and therefore forever safe from abandonment.
The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is because I am realizng this is the wound that is being triggered by Mr. A, referenced in my last post. As the universe would have it, I have been put into a relationship with another know-it-all just like me. Great! (insert sarcasm here) There is only room for one know-it-all per office, home, or school, etc. When two know-it-alls disagree, uh-oh, someone has to back off and admit, I don't know everything, you do. That is just not happening! It's really almost laughable but the wound is very real, because here is the problem: if you take away my smart status, then my wound says you just took away the one thing that makes me special, and now I am vulnerable to abandonment.
I am very grateful to have this wound and the lie of it exposed. I am actually becoming grateful for every instance when Mr. A tells me something I already know and I'm tempted to say, "Yes, I already know that." When I walk away from this triggering instance, I have truth on my side, and the truth can be applied like a healing balm. These are the sweet and wonderful truths that I know:
1. I am not the smartest person around, nor do I need to be. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise!
2. I am special and unique regardless of my IQ or book smarts. There is no one else on this planet exactly like me.
3. I can never be abandoned ever again, because I am an adult now. Adults can't be abandoned, because adults are self-sufficient (in the survival sense). Only children can truly be abandoned.
4. I am powerless over other people and trying to control other people only makes my own life unmanageable. I have a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity and daily meet my needs, as long as I daily turn the care of myself over to Him.
I share this personal story with great humility and with the hope that someone reads a part of themselves here. May the truth set us free!
Photo above found at: