Sunday, January 11, 2009

How to Love a Girl, Part 3
So I suppose by this time some of you are wondering, "Ok, well, how DO you love a girl?" I'm actually going to try my best to answer that with all the specifics you will need.
First of all, I am going to assume that you are trying to love a girl who has a Daddy Hole, as I believe the majority of women do, whether they want to admit it or not. Let me say this to you plainly, and listen close, "YOU CANNOT EVER GIVE A GIRL WITH A DADDY HOLE ALL THE LOVE SHE NEEDS." You will give, give, and give until your giver is give out and she still will not be satisfied. The emptiness within her was never meant to be filled by you. A basic developmental need and milestone did not get met, and, at this point, can only be healed through her Higher Power. You can also forget trying to explain this to her, as it will not be received (unless she is already aware of her own emptiness and dependency on you).
If you are committed to loving her nonetheless, bravo to you. If you married her and only later realized she has a Daddy Hole, well, hang in there. Here is how I propose you love her. Just be patient, first and foremost. Do not take abuse from her, but also behave toward her from a stance of compassion-- understanding the pain of the wounded girl on the inside. Refuse to give in to her tantrums and childish demands. Yes, you will anger her, but you are teaching her to take responsibility for her own needs. If you continue to jump at her every demand, she maintains the dependency of a child and hinges her happiness on you and what you can do for her. Set limits with love. This means when you have to tell her "no," that you communicate it in a way that lets her know your no is a good for you both. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.
You may do all these things and find that the woman you are trying to love has such relational defecits, she is incapable of true intimacy. You may begin to realize she is not aware of her own Daddy Hole nor is she interested in learning about all the baggage she brings to the relationship. This should be a red flag. Hang in there as long as you can or as long as you are willing, and do not feel guilty should the time come when you have to detach from her to save yourself-- this, too, is how to love a girl.

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