Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 2

Sex and Love Addiction-- the withdrawal and recovery phases. I am assuming and hoping that any addict at this phase is fed up with their own addiction. At this point, an addict is willing to endure whatever withdrawal pain that comes and willing to sacrifice and let go of whatever and whomever in order to shake this addiction. By now the addict realizes that to continue on in the unhealthy behaviors and patterns of sex and love addiction can mean only certain death or irreversible loss of sanity. It is this realistic and healthy fear that drives an addict into recovery.

Withdrawal is tough. Like an addiction to a substance, withdrawal from sex and love addiction involves emotional, psychological, and physical suffering. The addictive process is occurring in the brain, thus, sex and love addiction is just as neurological and chemical as an addiction to heroin or alcohol. Withdrawing from these neurological and dopamine highs can create physical symptoms of sweats, chills, headaches, stomach aches, fatigue and/or listlessness. There are the unavoidable emotional symptoms of fear, panic, anxiety, intense sadness or depression, anger, the sense of "going crazy," and many other possible feelings. The withdrawal process is different for every person both in symptoms and duration.

Withdrawal is the process of ceasing all harmful behaviors and patterns related to your own sex and love addiction. This may mean refraining from compulsive masturbation, no longer incessantly phoning an ex-lover or driving by their home, ending frequent sex with strangers, or leaving an abusive relationship. Define your "bottom-line" behaviors-- those behaviors that you must presently stop in order to begin withdrawal and recovery. Know that ceasing these patterns and enduring the pain of withdrawal will require support from others. This is a difficult process that will be made only more difficult if you attempt it alone. Find a support group, a therapist, and a nonjudgmental and supportive friend. Get yourself into a 12 step group for sex addiction or sex and love addiction (Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). If you cannot find one in your area then consider a group for recovering codependents or an Al-anon group. These are sound 12 step groups that will provide you emotional support and a foundation of 12 step work to get you started. Read and learn about your addiction. Take care of yourself emotionally and physically during this very difficult and trying time. This process can take anywhere from 1-6 months depending on the severity of the addiction and your consistency in refraining from bottom-line behaviors.

During the withdrawal phase of recovery, all of your poison and junk from the past will begin to bubble to the surface. Acting out and mood-altering with unhealthy partners and in unhealthy behaviors have kept these feelings at bay for many years. Now that you are no longer engaging in the love addiction, these feelings are allowed to come out. You may feel compelled to begin overeating, drinking, or completely isolating yourself from the world as a means to cope with withdrawal. As much as you can try not to pick up other addictions! As much as you can try not to go to the opposite extreme of sex and love addiction and become a sexual anorexic, mistaking that for recovery. Recovery from sex and love addiction does not mean you will never be in a relationship ever again, it means you are beginning a relationship with yourself for the first time ever.

If you endure, you will find one beautiful morning, you wake up with this strange feeling. You will feel quiet on the inside and open to the universe and a Higher Power. You will feel clean and free. It will likely scare the hell out of you, but pat yourself on the back. You are experiencing the peace of recovery and this is a marker that some painful emotional wounds have healed and you have begun a trusting relationship with self. Surviving withdrawal is an accomplishment to be grateful for and one that opens the door to deeper recovery... to be discussed in Part 3.

18 comments:

  1. Thank you, Melissa.
    I have been getting sucked into the abyss of withdrawal.
    Your words give me hope.

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  2. Thank you from me, too. I'm finding this so helpful. The shame is literally killing me slowly, but I'm fighting back.

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  3. Going through this right now.
    Your words help. Thx

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  4. this is slowly killing me also - i have been really badly affected by my past childhood trauma & a really bad breakdown of a relationship several years ago that still persists til this day.

    this makes me think wow, I'm not the only one & maybe i can get better.

    i really do find myself in other unavailable people & it has left me very isolated & depressed, especially during the departure of my last girlfriend were i cut myself (to help release the hurt & pain), starting stalking her & even broke in to her house & was arrested by the police (but didn't go to jail by the skin of my teeth).

    i have felt as though i am crazy or headed that way & the voice inside gets really strong & hard to take.

    this was very helpful to read & i am trying to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible to avoid this pattern of behavior.

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  5. I'm very proud of you for looking honestly at yourself and your insight that your present pain is connected to childhood events. You absolutely can change! You should try to find the support of an SLAA group in your area.

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  6. Recovering from love addiction is I think the hardest and the saddest part. BUT, if you're able to surpass this stage, you can sure surpass anything else as your now genuinely happy and complete. Thanks for sharing this!

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  7. i am sitting on my bed having a brief moment of relief from the seemingly endless waves of fear and terror and jealousy and grief and wanting to die... I have been in withdrawal for 2 weeks and it has been like dying. Your words have helped me immensely. It s extremely challenging to believe that this process is working. To believe that I am not the only one... The old old feelings of abandonment and fear are extraordinarily painful. I am doing my best to remember they are OLD and that if I can just be as present as possible with the feelings as they engulf me...if i can manage to breathe a little into them...allow myself to cry like a baby, they eventually pass/ tranmute.
    This is the hardest thing I have ever done...but this far in I will not turn back...I want to get through to the other side. Your words help me to believe there is an " other side". thankyou

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  8. I'm going through this now, at age 57, chased into recovery by soul-crushing despair. You're right. There comes a point where the fantasy/love addiction quits working altogether. I've watched my older sister become completely psychotic and homeless from this addiction during her latest 10-yr cycle of obsession. I am very, very lonely right now...day 9 of withdrawal. You talk about a support system...but all my friends are his friends, therefore a trigger to me, and I have no family left. My SLAA meeting is only once a week. This is the worst pain ever, but I am believing your post is my higher power, just for tonight. Thanks for your hope.

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  9. 5 weeks into abstinence. I no longer have access to meetings and the fear, despair and hopelessness are much worse now. Hard to believe that this will end so I am very thankful for these posts.

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  10. Find myself slipping little by little back into it. I can feel the personality change as I run my life alone once more.
    Help me, dear HP to surrender and ask you daily for help.

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  11. My goodness this page has hit me hard.What all of you are feeling is identical to how I feel.The pain is unbearable.
    Anon from previous post I just wanted to know how you were getting on now? ive only just found this page so your last post is a few months out of date.
    Lets all stay strong for each other!

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  12. I wanted to let you guys know that although I rarely get time to update my blog, I do come here regularly and post comments. These articles on Sex and Love Addiction continue to be some of the most widely read on this blog, and I am so grateful that these words may be a lifeline to some readers who are at their lowest point.

    I also wanted to encourage those of you with little to no support systems that SLAA offers online contacts and support http://www.slaaonline.org/ . There are also toll-free phone meetings that you can attend daily. http://www.slaafws.org/meetings I encourage you to find a sponsor, because in those early days and months the pain is intense and the temptation to return to addictive behaviors is very strong. Call your sponsor every day! I am praying for each of you today.

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  13. I am in mega withdrawal. It is soooooo hard! What an email could fix, then go into another cycle of despair and disapointment. No Way!! But, I hate going through this. I have no other addictions left, only sex and love and this is by far the hardest to give you!

    I am a grateful member of Slaa and went to a meeting yesterday and tonight. But, because I had a short relationship with another member I also find this triggering. Oh I am in hell right now.

    What can I do, pray, mediate and do yoga. Everyday and be grateful to be at the point in my life where I understand i can't 'fix' anyone and especially another addict. The only person I can fix is myself. This is so hard just for today I am not acting out. It has been three weeks and is now even harder.

    Grateful for everyone's posts and for your blog. In gratitude and light! Thank you!

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  14. I went though withdrawal on holidays in Europe. I was very alone, and at times wasn't sure if I needed to get to a hospital. I got through after about three weeks. I remember feeling clean and free, however I subtely got drawn back in. I'm going though withdrawal a second time. This time lots of sore muscles and spasms, fatigue, and I cry all the time. I couldn't hit the right keys on the keyborad so left work saying I had the flu. Do join a slaa, this has been helpful, and make sure you get someones number so you can call them when you need to..

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  15. I thought I had been in withdrawal and the pain was overwhelmingly intense.None of my friends really understand.It out of their league.I go to Slaa regular but im finding that im still using bottom line behaviours that I didn't even realise were bottom lines! Abstaining is extremely hard for me as the object of my affections lives in very close proximity and we see each other around.It is a small village.Im terrified of going into proper withdrawal and I fear how bad I will become and if my work will suffer and I lose my home and my sanity! Help!!!

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  16. Melissa, wonderful article explaining withdrawal and the possible symptoms. I loved your statement, "Recovery from sex and love addiction does not mean you will never be in a relationship ever again, it means you are beginning a relationship with yourself for the first time ever." Perfect! I am wondering what happens when a person has addictions comorbid with sex addiction. Should the addictions be treated one-by-one or do they all need to be treated at one time?

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  17. I am a total love addict. I've never had a normal relationship - all are addictive to me. I don't know how to have a non-addictive relationship. I'm depressed and frustrated. I am at day two of no contact. I feel like crying and I'm angry and feel hopeless. I continually look at my phone to see if he texted. He never will. I will put my phone away for a week or so. Glad to know I'm not the only person who lives through this hell repeatedly. Just wonder what it will take for me to be free of this for good.

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  18. I am a sex addict on day 2. I have reviewed what my bottomlines or inner circle are and wrote mine out. I also did my secondary or middle circle list of things to watch out for. I am in a relationship but not been faithful to it and I am a bit fearful of going through withdrawals without being able to disclose what is going on with me with my partner. I know I have to find tools, resources, and supportive people to get through it on a daily basis. Anyways, one moment at a time. Thanks for your post.

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