Ok, so you realize that you have been living a fantasy, believing a fantasy. The man, woman, child, parent, boss, friend, whoever, you loved is not the person you fantasized them to be. They are human and fallable like the rest of us, and you are heartbroken that this person will not save you and fill you utterly. This person cannot make you whole and will hurt you, because that is what humans do. Sometimes we hurt each other. This is the painful part of fantasy-- it isn't real!
Here is the wonderful side-- just as no one can fill you, no one can destroy you. We have no power over when and if people will leave our lives, but that is ok, because when they go, they do not take a part of us with them. Perhaps as children we had to believe that we wielded some magical power or seduction that kept people in our lives, because abandonment to a child can mean possible death. The good news is that no one can "abandon" an adult. You can simply come and go from my life, but I am no longer abandoned, because I care for myself. If you leave, I will not die. It is painful to realize that the person I invested so much in is incapable of fulfilling me, yet it is freeing to know that when you don't fulfill me, I survive anyway. I don't need you to fill me! My survival is not dependent upon whether or not you love me! This is the wonderful part of fantasy-- it isn't real.
Photo above found at: http://louvre89.deviantart.com/art/Like-A-Dream-89189225
Preach, Ms. Greene!
ReplyDeleteI agree. And I would add-- just as no one can fill you-- nor should they. Depending on the 'other' (and this could be more than a person, right? It could also be a thing/addiction) to fill me means I'm not comfortable with myself. (and probably my lack of spirituality) The goal for me is to get to a place where I don't have a hole-- because my self-esteem and my higher power fill me quite nicely, thanks.
The kind of relationship I want for myself in the future is drastically different then the kind I always wanted before discovery.
In the future, I want to shoot for a relationship where we don't try to fill one other-- but we can be ourselves and compliment each other. I can have my own, independent activities when I need them for me, (yoga, girl time, alone time, etc.) and same goes for the mystical 'he.'
I sure hope that kind of guy exists-- I don't want to be someone's everything anymore. Because that means I'm not seen for myself, and all of the specific things that makes me great, either.
No fantasy, please!
I know what you mean. Felt this way for a long time. felt like I would die if someone even the 'bad' someone left.
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