Miss Smarty Pants

When I was around 9 years old, my parents divorced. As an adult I can see how this divorce was inevitable and necessary. Children, however, do not have adult logic and coping skills. Children believe things that are not true and sometimes believe things that are downright magical or fanciful. Children also tend to believe that the world revolves around them, thus other people's choices must be because of something the child has done. My child reasoning came up with the bright idea that my Dad left because I was not special in any way. Some children might have blamed themselves in various other ways, telling themselves, "I'm not a good girl, so Dad left," or "I argued with Dad last week, so he left," etc., etc. For me, I just felt PLAIN and therefore unlovable. I remember when school let out that spring, at the completion of fourth grade, I made the decision that one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty smart. I didn't consider myself particularly pretty, social, or talented in any way, but darn it, I could learn anything! So, I resolved to become the SMARTEST and this is what would make me special. My parents had ordered a set of encyclopedia books for me, and that summer I set out to begin reading and committing to memory the entire set. Oh, Dear...

Thus began my lifelong agenda of becoming a real know-it-all. In retrospect, I know I was a pretty smart kid, but so were alot of my friends. There was nothing really all that special about my good grades, but I had convinced myself it was the one thing that kept me special and therefore forever safe from abandonment.

The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is because I am realizng this is the wound that is being triggered by Mr. A, referenced in my last post. As the universe would have it, I have been put into a relationship with another know-it-all just like me. Great! (insert sarcasm here) There is only room for one know-it-all per office, home, or school, etc. When two know-it-alls disagree, uh-oh, someone has to back off and admit, I don't know everything, you do. That is just not happening! It's really almost laughable but the wound is very real, because here is the problem: if you take away my smart status, then my wound says you just took away the one thing that makes me special, and now I am vulnerable to abandonment.

I am very grateful to have this wound and the lie of it exposed. I am actually becoming grateful for every instance when Mr. A tells me something I already know and I'm tempted to say, "Yes, I already know that." When I walk away from this triggering instance, I have truth on my side, and the truth can be applied like a healing balm. These are the sweet and wonderful truths that I know:
1. I am not the smartest person around, nor do I need to be. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise!
2. I am special and unique regardless of my IQ or book smarts. There is no one else on this planet exactly like me.
3. I can never be abandoned ever again, because I am an adult now. Adults can't be abandoned, because adults are self-sufficient (in the survival sense). Only children can truly be abandoned.
4. I am powerless over other people and trying to control other people only makes my own life unmanageable. I have a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity and daily meet my needs, as long as I daily turn the care of myself over to Him.

I share this personal story with great humility and with the hope that someone reads a part of themselves here. May the truth set us free!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=girl%20reading&order=9&offset=24#/d1e50b5

What's This About Sin?

The word "sin" has such a negative connotation to it. It brings images to mind of a naked man and woman in the Garden of Eden or images of sweaty preachers screaming about hell. Sin-- well, it's just so religious. Just as there is a God in heaven, there is a devil in hell, and I am certain that devil must giggle with glee at this religious connotation. It is this connotation that waters the word down and turns it into an act done only by Old Testament characters not by anyone in the year 2010.

I believe that sin is the word for that broken place inside every human being. It is from our broken and wounded places that we come up with some of our worst ideas. Just by being born human, we are born with the capacity for being wounded. Our potential gets trampled by other human beings, often unknowingly and unintentionally. Nonetheless, who we should and could have been (peaceful and connected with God) is altered into someone who is broken and forever seeking to mend the breaks with people and activities that will never really mend it. Sin. If you were born into a family system, whether that includes a Mom and Dad or a group home director, you have been altered from the self God created you to be. Welcome to the human race. You are now a sinner, just because you were born. Sin is not just the mean-spirited and/or selfish behaviors we may engage in. Sin is any thought or feeling that takes you away from the peace and connection you were meant to have with God. There's nothing religious about that!

Really, my entire blog is a blog about sin. It's about addictions, lusts, revenge, anxiety, depression, and conflict. But there is some good news! This blog is also about getting cleaned up from sin. I can be healed of my addictions and mood swings. I don't have to spend the rest of my life finding some great new strategy to finally gain peace (although there are many wonderful things we can do). I don't have to spend the rest of my life white-knuckling it through cravings and withdrawal (although there may be necessary periods of this as well).
There is a wonderful verse that keeps this all so simple, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23, The Holy Bible, New International Version. It is through a simple and effortless faith that my wounded places are healed. This is a free gift from God, an extended hand to me and a promise to be made free from my own sin. I do nothing but just believe it.

The 12 Steps guide us through this healing. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others, alcohol, food, narcotics, sex and love, SIN. I cannot heal myself. Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There is a power that can heal what I cannot. Step Three: Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I love the kindness and the room for error in Step Three. We've all got such clouded understandings of God. Our God view has been distorted by misguided Sunday school teachers, by negligent fathers or abusive mothers, by rule-bound and shame-based churches. I don't know that my own distorted views will ever be made clear, but I just have to believe one thing about Jesus-- I can turn my will and my life over to Him and He'll take care of this sin problem. I can believe that!

Photos above found at:
Adam and Eve
Helping Hand

Recovery Slogans That Made a Difference!

I want to share some of the recovery slogans and sayings I've heard that have played an important role in my becoming a healthy individual. These are the ones that really pegged me and helped me move forward. Feel free to comment and share your own!

1. What other people think of me is none of my business.
2. One day at a time...
3. Do the next right thing.
4. Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
5. I'd rather be a resentment than have one.
6. Detach with love and detach from the outcome.
7. Change happens in the order of the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, THEN action.
8. When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.
9. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.
10. My diseased mind cannot heal my own diseased mind.
11. Listen.
12. Keep the focus on yourself.
13. Principles above personalities.
14. My peace is MY peace.
15. Progress not perfection.
16. Clean up your side of the street.
17. You made a mistake-- welcome to the human race.
18. Just because you made a mistake does not mean you are one.
19. Sometimes "helping" is only a nice way of "controlling."
20. Human BE-ing rather than Human Do-ing.

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2nq7yy

12 Steps to the 23rd Psalm

I had a really neat thought today. Have you ever noticed that the 12 steps and the 23 Psalm actually go hand in hand? They move through the same succession. Check this out:

1. We admitted we were powerless over (insert addiction), that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Admitting powerlessness, developing faith in a higher power, and putting your life in God's hands: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Psalm 23:1-3

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Became entirely ready to have him remove these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

Getting real about your own "stuff," and letting God begin to clean you out: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became ready to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

Making it right with those you've hurt, being set free from the past, relying on the power of God and the steps to continue the healing: "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." Psalm 23:5

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." Psalm 23:6

Isn't God so clever?

Photo above found at:
http://niavaah.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-129447306

Believe? Not Sure I Can Go There

"But what if I don't believe in God?"
Long pause.
I don't know what to say to this but, "What?"

This is what someone asked me the other day-- someone in pain, someone desperately seeking recovery from addictions, someone just like me, you, and the rest of humanity. Who among us has never had, if not years, then moments of doubt about God? If it's never gotten miserable enough for you that your doubting self had to cry out in anger, "If there is a God in heaven, this would be a GREAT time to show up!!!"-- well, I guess I'd think you were lying.

I have my God, and I also have no desire to force my God on anyone else. The Higher Power is always The Higher Power regardless of whether or not I'm preaching it on every street corner or loudly protesting that MY God is the only one true God!!! The Higher Power is still The Higher Power and he will find you wherever you are just like he found me in some of my most unsavory places. I'm not worried about it. The 12 Step programs are spiritual programs. They hinge upon the hope and faith that there is a Higher Power and that this Higher Power can restore us to sanity (Step 2). We are encouraged to seek out and try to build a connection with a Higher Power (Step 11), and to trust there is a Higher Power that can care for us in a way that we cannot care for ourselves (Step 3).

Well, actually, I guess the best response to a recovering addict who says "but I don't believe in God," would be, "Great! You're on your way to recovery!" One of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous defined addiction as a spiritual deficiency. Thus, all addicts have some level of disbelief in a Higher Power, at least in the acting out phases of their lives, when addiction is the God of their lives. Addicts are hurting people who just want to feel better. I sat with a beautiful teen-aged girl the other day, tears streaming from her sad brown eyes, while she gently stroked the fresh self-inflicted cuts from wrist to shoulder. She just wanted to feel better, and this time it took more cuts than ever before to finally get there. Because there is no secure thing or person to provide some outer evidence that she is loved and safe, these fresh cuts work for her to bring relief. For some it's a heavy dose of heroin, drinking until the pain stops, finding a man who brings love, or working into the wee hours every night so you don't have to think or feel anything. All these people just want to feel better and have found whatever outlet they can grasp onto to bring relief. There is no belief that some Higher Power could or even wants to do the job.

If you want to be free from addictions and you don't believe there is a force somewhere in this universe that is stronger, wiser, and has more resources than you, then how do you believe you will get better? Do you believe your addicted mind can heal your addicted mind? I really love how this is described in the "Big Book" for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, "We came to realize that this disease of sex and love addiction so subtly and thoroughly permeated our best-intentioned and most fervid plans to reform ourselves, that even our ability to think clearly was undermined. There could be no such thing as a self-powered cure. Too many of us had tried this and had failed repeatedly. It was not that our logic, motives or intents were wrong. Rather, our very ability to see the problem clearly, and our wishes to change ourselves, were themselves systematically distorted by the addiction. That part of our mind which at least intermittently recognized our sickness was itself not immune, and could not be solely relied upon to guide us to health." (The Basic Text for the Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, p. 74).


There comes a time for addicts, if you're lucky, when life and the consequences of addiction have become torturous to the point of death without actually dying. It is at this point when we place our first toe on the path of recovery and a tiny flicker emerges within us. Within this tiny flicker is the realization I am totally powerless over this thing. For many of us, there were a few expletives before and after this revelation, but I'll spare you that here. When you really GET it, I am powerless, there might be a moment of intense panic or maybe relief. This is the beauty of recovery. It's like a computer program that, once it starts running, it has its own course that doesn't require my wisdom to keep it going. That tiny flicker of self-preservation within me that admits powerlessness is the same healthy flicker that naturally says, Well, if I have no control over this behavior, dear God, I have to believe there is something or someone in this universe that is willing to help me!

Hold on to whatever vague notion of a Higher Power you can conjure. It may feel ridiculous and assaulting against your reasoning, but believe it anyway. Just fake it, if you have to. Step 2 says, "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." We came there over time. We muddled it over, tinkered with it, or fantasized about it. We began to hope it with all our hearts, for our own sake and that of our loved ones. There has got to be some force out there stronger than me that can restore me. Day One of living out of this new belief looks like this-- turn your life and your will over to the care of this God, as you understand this God to be (Step 3). Whereas we would typically rise out of bed and begin living from our own sick will, Day One-- turn your will and your life over to the care of a Higher Power. If you make it through that sober, then congratulations, it's a good start! If you did not make it through Day One sober, yet you're still alive, congratulations, it's a good start! Day Two looks like this-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. Day Three-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. You will watch in wonder as this Higher Power does for you the work of healing that you could not do for yourself, and through this process, you are coming to believe.

There are many people struggling with addictions who also struggle with turning their lives over to a Higher Power. Too many of us have been abandoned, neglected, or abused by those in power over us and have vowed to never lose ourselves to another's power again. Isn't it ironic that the venoms of abuse, neglect, and abandonment created a fear of surrender? And that surrender itself is the cure to these venoms? If you don't believe there is a Higher Power, your Higher Power already knows why you don't and doesn't judge you for it. If you can surrender your precious life to life-altering dramas and chaos, drunks, drugs that kill, the needle, the bottle, or abusive relationships, then why not give a loving Higher Power a shot at it?

Photos above found at:
http://akimao.deviantart.com/art/MagicWood-115415908
http://acacia13.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-115734325

Helping Hands

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

Have you ever gotten so bogged down in your own self-care that you actually do harm to yourself? For me this starts out with some well-intended books on organization or self-care. One book turns to two or three that I am reading at one time. Then I go to a seminar and realize that I need more daily meditation and that's my real problem, so I throw that in too. While I'm watching Joyce Meyer and getting ready for work I hear her point out that so many Christians focus way too much on themselves and should give more to others if they want peace. I agree and decide I want to volunteer some counseling hours to a local shelter today. But wait, my son has a dentist appointment at 9am and then I have a meeting at work at 2pm. I can't miss that meeting, because I was already late last time, because I was taking a lunch spa break, something my therapist recommended! Guilt and depression come creeping around the corner... I'm working so hard to take care of myself, why am I so tired and pissed off!!

Some of my best meditation time comes unplanned-- while mowing the yard or driving to work. This is when God has me silent enough that He can whisper some good wisdom to me for the day, and yesterday I felt step 3 pattering its sweet tiny feet into my heart-- give yourself over to My care today, I can do it for you. I was obsessing over the fact that I forgot to pack a lunch in addition to about 500 other things I needed to do. My sarcastic reply to God was, "What? Are you going to provide lunch for me today? That's what I need." His reply, "Sure. I'll take care of it." Now I am either so stressed that I am developing audio hallucinations and delusions of grandeur that I have conversations with God or I could just go with it. I stepped out on a leap of faith that the words I was feeling were true and that God really did want to take care of me today.

I finished up a string of meetings at 1pm and was starving and said, "Where's my lunch, God?" He said, "in the large conference room." I laughed to myself and walked up to the large conference room. A short distance from the door I began to get this wonderful smell of seasoned chicken. I walked into the room and there was a lunch spread. A cute little blond lady said, "Hi! Would you like some lunch? What do you do here?" It was a pharmaceutical rep who had come to speak to children's medical providers and therapists today (that would be me) and brought us lunch in return. It was a delicious lunch and a great presentation on a popular ADHD medication that I had some questions about! Thanks, God.

That moment and that promise fulfilled gave me such joy, just knowing I am NOT alone. The Creator of the Universe has all resources and wealth at His disposal to give me the best care possible. Often He places crafty tools in my head and hands that I use to do the work of self-care. Other times, He just reaches down those big sweet hands and does it for me. Every day. I just need to ask. Every day turn my LIFE and my WILL over to the care of God and things are just so much easier.

http://thestephanie5790.deviantart.com/art/Helping-Hands-89523883

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 3

Recovery is living fully within yourself one moment at a time. Recovery is accepting the reality of who you are, what you have done, and shrugging off shame in order to make this present moment one that restores you to health. Recovery is moving forward and letting go of the past. If you have survived withdrawal, congratulations. Welcome to your new life.

Living in recovery is not the happy-go-lucky, joyful, and easy life that we believed it would be. It is a lot of work re-parenting ourselves to be responsible and honest. In the beginning it requires a conscious effort to actually care for ourselves the way we should be cared for. This includes avoidance of toxic people and places. Caring for ourselves involves eating healthy, getting regular exercise, and always doing the next right thing. Most of all caring for ourselves means that our inner self-talk is loving, forgiving, and always encouraging to self. Most recovering addicts that I have worked with are their own worst enemies. They internally beat themselves up and require way too much from themselves emotionally and physically. When they are unable to meet their own exacting standards, they insult and kick themselves while they are down. It requires great effort to be able to say to yourself everyday, "I am doing a good job of learning how to live. I am worthy of this recovery. I am a good person." I find that those who laugh at these kinds of statements are often the people who do not believe them and, therefore, find them ridiculous to say. Even if you don't believe it, say it anyway. Fake it till you make it.

The original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous divinely argued that addiction is a spiritual deficiency. I finally get how this is true. We are created to be intimately connected with a power greater than ourselves. When that connection is damaged or non-existent, we suffer spiritually. This suffering is very painful and can drive people to substances and behaviors that "fill the void." If you have a fear of intimacy (the core of sex and love addiction), know that you will have the same fear of intimacy with a Higher Power. No one is to be trusted-- not even God! As you progressed in your disease, getting sicker and sicker, you finally reached a point where you knew you could never get yourself well on your own. You recognized you had no control over your sickness and your own diseased mind was incapable of healing your own diseased mind! In recovery we have no other option but to believe that there is a power greater than ourselves who CAN restore us to sanity. So, even though you did not initially trust God, you found yourself in a place where you had to.

I have been very encouraged by the many people who have come here seeking some help in their sex and love addiction. If I can offer you nothing else, let me offer this-- there is healing and recovery from your addiction. You do not have to suffer in the cycle of acting out and shame for the rest of your life. There is a Higher Power who is able to sustain you and who has a storehouse of unending medicines just for what ails you. You have to do your part, which is making that conscious effort to seek your Higher Power and connect with it every day. Now that you are past withdrawal, you are learning to walk out your life one day at a time. The support of others in recovery and the supernatural power from God will sustain you in recovery.

Above photo found at: http://www.deviantart.com/print/3634229/?forusername=Gemini-Soul