Benzos-- On My Soapbox

I hate benzodiazepines. HATE them. This class of drugs (what we know as Ativan, Xanax, Klonipin, Librium, and Valium and various others) was introduced in 1961 and sold to the medical community as "safe." Doctors then naturally begin writing prescriptions left and right and we are now learning that benzos are NOT safe. I speak from my own personal experience in working with addicts as well as from scientific research and statistics. I see people almost daily who are struggling to overcome addictions from various substances but cannot overcome the final hurdle of benzos addiction because doctors continue to hand these drugs out like candy.

Let's just lay out the facts. First of all, the manufacturers of benzos do not suggest that this drug be used longer than two weeks. Second of all, we know that long term use leads to increased tolerance (requiring more of the drug to feel any benefit), physical dependence, and dangerous, potentially life-threatening withdrawal symptoms when one tries to stop taking the drug. We also have statistics that support the fact that most people abusing benzos are typically combining their benzo with another substance, usually alcohol or opiates. This is a deadly combination.

Here are some important statistics. In 2006 the Center for Disease Control reported " Poisoning {drug overdose} is the second leading cause of injury death overall, and the leading cause of injury death for people aged 35-54 years, surpassing both firearm-related and motor vehicle-related deaths in this age group." Of these "accidental" deaths, 17% of those were related to the misuse of benzos. In 2009 in Washington state alone, benzos were indicated in 20% of accidental deaths, higher than alcohol (17%), cocaine (15%), meth (5%), and heroin (2%). Even in 1986 the well-respected National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) completed research that indicated those who were depedent on benzos alone had a mortality rate 3 times higher than a control group being treated for similar mental health issues without a co-occurring benzo addiction. When the benzo addiction included the use of alcohol or other addictive drugs, the mortality rate jumped to 6 times higher than the control group.

I sat with a seventeen year-old girl this week who was begging me for benzos. She understandably wants relief from anxiety and has learned from our culture that the most efficient way to do that is to pop a pill. It breaks my heart. I also work with various other adults who struggle with enduring the withdrawal symptoms of benzos and most of them require multiple inpatient hospital stays throughout the year. Long-term benzo use has been shown to lead to an INCREASE in depression and anxiety. The abuse of this class of drugs has become a social problem, a menace to society, a bomb dropped on families, and ultimately kills.

This anger has been stewing in me for many years and the recent death of Whitney Houston really sent me into a tailspin. We do not yet know the autopsy results for this artist, but we do know both alcohol and three different kinds of benzos were found in her room. It doesn't take large volumes of these two combined drugs to cause significant depression of the central nervous system and cessation of breathing.

I believe Whitney Houston was clean from illict drugs and, thus, convinced herself she was "sober," because she was "just taking" the various benzos being prescribed to her. How do we expect people to stay clean when they are having addictive substances prescribed to them by the very people who are supposed to be helping them remain healthy? NO ONE with any history of addiction should take benzos... period. Whitney Houston should never have been given those medications. She believed she was sober and well. Our culture is ignorant to the dangers of benzos and I believe this prohibited the loving friends and family around her from knowing that the path she was on was a deadly one.

If you are taking benzos or know someone who is, these are the signs of benzo dependence (from myaddiction.com):

1. Tolerance to the medication, to the extent that the patient needs to take more to achieve the same effect; more marked when used as sleep aids, less common when used intermittently for anxiety.

2. Withdrawal begins when the medication is discontinued – may lead to taking other drugs to relieve symptoms.

3. Taking a higher dose or a more frequent dose outside of a physician’s advice. This includes taking the medications for problems other than they are prescribed for.

4. An inability to stop or excessive anxiety when considering stopping.

5.Preoccupation with acquiring more medication or another prescription – usually to meet increased need because of self-administering a higher dose.

6. A drastic change in habit or lifestyle, such as skipping social engagements or ignoring responsibilities because of the medication or the effects of the medication – embarrassment and lying may be associated with this.

I believe we should lovingly confront those we love who we know are abusing or misusing their medications. Had someone done this for Whitney Houston, we might still have her today. Please know that tapering from benzos should be done under the guidance of a doctor, due to the potential severity of symptoms. Let's wise up about this very dangerous class of drugs and spread the word that it is not acceptable to take benzos for months or years on end. We have to become intolerant of doctors who have become legal drug pushers and push for tighter regulation of this class of drugs.

What's This About Sin?

The word "sin" has such a negative connotation to it. It brings images to mind of a naked man and woman in the Garden of Eden or images of sweaty preachers screaming about hell. Sin-- well, it's just so religious. Just as there is a God in heaven, there is a devil in hell, and I am certain that devil must giggle with glee at this religious connotation. It is this connotation that waters the word down and turns it into an act done only by Old Testament characters not by anyone in the year 2010.

I believe that sin is the word for that broken place inside every human being. It is from our broken and wounded places that we come up with some of our worst ideas. Just by being born human, we are born with the capacity for being wounded. Our potential gets trampled by other human beings, often unknowingly and unintentionally. Nonetheless, who we should and could have been (peaceful and connected with God) is altered into someone who is broken and forever seeking to mend the breaks with people and activities that will never really mend it. Sin. If you were born into a family system, whether that includes a Mom and Dad or a group home director, you have been altered from the self God created you to be. Welcome to the human race. You are now a sinner, just because you were born. Sin is not just the mean-spirited and/or selfish behaviors we may engage in. Sin is any thought or feeling that takes you away from the peace and connection you were meant to have with God. There's nothing religious about that!

Really, my entire blog is a blog about sin. It's about addictions, lusts, revenge, anxiety, depression, and conflict. But there is some good news! This blog is also about getting cleaned up from sin. I can be healed of my addictions and mood swings. I don't have to spend the rest of my life finding some great new strategy to finally gain peace (although there are many wonderful things we can do). I don't have to spend the rest of my life white-knuckling it through cravings and withdrawal (although there may be necessary periods of this as well).
There is a wonderful verse that keeps this all so simple, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23, The Holy Bible, New International Version. It is through a simple and effortless faith that my wounded places are healed. This is a free gift from God, an extended hand to me and a promise to be made free from my own sin. I do nothing but just believe it.

The 12 Steps guide us through this healing. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others, alcohol, food, narcotics, sex and love, SIN. I cannot heal myself. Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There is a power that can heal what I cannot. Step Three: Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I love the kindness and the room for error in Step Three. We've all got such clouded understandings of God. Our God view has been distorted by misguided Sunday school teachers, by negligent fathers or abusive mothers, by rule-bound and shame-based churches. I don't know that my own distorted views will ever be made clear, but I just have to believe one thing about Jesus-- I can turn my will and my life over to Him and He'll take care of this sin problem. I can believe that!

Photos above found at:
Adam and Eve
Helping Hand

Recovery Slogans That Made a Difference!

I want to share some of the recovery slogans and sayings I've heard that have played an important role in my becoming a healthy individual. These are the ones that really pegged me and helped me move forward. Feel free to comment and share your own!

1. What other people think of me is none of my business.
2. One day at a time...
3. Do the next right thing.
4. Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
5. I'd rather be a resentment than have one.
6. Detach with love and detach from the outcome.
7. Change happens in the order of the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, THEN action.
8. When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.
9. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.
10. My diseased mind cannot heal my own diseased mind.
11. Listen.
12. Keep the focus on yourself.
13. Principles above personalities.
14. My peace is MY peace.
15. Progress not perfection.
16. Clean up your side of the street.
17. You made a mistake-- welcome to the human race.
18. Just because you made a mistake does not mean you are one.
19. Sometimes "helping" is only a nice way of "controlling."
20. Human BE-ing rather than Human Do-ing.

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2nq7yy

Bottom Line Behaviors: The Gentle Path

Here's a question asked by many sex and love addicts-- how do I know what my bottom line behavior is? For an alcoholic, it's a little more simple, they stop drinking. For a sex and love addict, it could be a whole host of behaviors that are creating emotional drunkenness, and what these behaviors are for one love addict can be different from the next love addict. A bottom line behavior is a behavior that, when engaged in, leads to loss of self. Engaging in this behavior can prevent the addict from experiencing valid and necessary feelings of anger, grief, or even intimacy. The bottom line behavior is sometimes used as a smoke screen to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of anger, grief, or intimacy. Engaging in the bottom line behavior tends to bring an immediate relief, an ah-h-h-h feeling, at least in the early stages of addiction. As addiction progresses, an addict often has to engage in more of this behavior or more intense forms of it to achieve the "high."

When a sex and love addict is ready to get clean, he/she must decide what their bottom line behaviors are and make the conscious decision to avoid those behaviors. Most commonly, these behaviors might be ceasing excessive masturbation, ceasing extra-marital affairs, or ceasing the use of pornography, etc. If you are an addict trying to define your bottom line behaviors, ask yourself these questions, "What is the behavior that, if I stop doing it, I'm going to feel like I'm going crazy? What behavior, at the thought of no longer doing it, makes me almost panic? What behavior, when I stop doing it, is immediately going to send me into emotional withdrawal symptoms?" Whatever you answer to these questions-- that's your bottom line behavior.

Here are a few important things to remember before launching yourself into withdrawal and ceasing your newly identified bottom line behavior:

1. Have a solid support system in place. Be prepared to attend your 12 step meetings as often as possible while going through withdrawal. Have the phone numbers of several recovery friends who can provide support and be very kind to yourself during this difficult time. Seek your Higher Power daily. Do not attempt to go through withdrawal alone and on your own will power-- that's just cruel.

2. Know it is OK to modify and add behaviors to your bottom line list as your progress through recovery. You are not expected by your Higher Power to know all of your bottom line behaviors in the early phases of recovery, maybe not in your entire lifetime! As you gradually survive varying phases of withdrawal from one behavior after another, you will most likely recognize other behaviors that also create emotional crazies. For example, after 3 months of successfully ending an abusive relationship, you recognize that having fantasies of that person also has deep emotional effects on you. Continuing to engage in fantasies of that person is like drinking a poison and you feel sick or out of sorts the remainder of the day. You have just learned that fantasizing about this past partner is a new bottom line behavior that should be avoided to maintain emotional sobriety.

Recognizing your bottom line behaviors and maintaining sobriety from them may sound like a complicated and daunting task. Yes, it can feel very overwhelming at times, causing an addict to just want to throw in the towel. Always remember the practices of gentleness and kindness toward yourself in recovery. You can be firm and discipline yourself in love and humility, not out of punitive shame. Identify the bottom line behaviors and know that abstaining from them is leading you down the path toward your true self. Ceasing bottom line behaviors is an act of love toward yourself not a punishment. You do this because not doing it could mean death or loss of sanity. You do it because today you want to hold onto your serenity. Knowing your bottom line behaviors and respecting their destructive power is a life preserver in recovery.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=gentle path&order=9&offset=24#/d2qvad7

When PTSD goes AWOL (PTSD, part 2)

I think the most common and troubling PTSD I tend to see is in teens and/or adults who have experienced trauma (often multiple traumas) and has gone untreated for many years. Over the years they have developed a set of behaviors aimed at relieving their anxiety, which often includes various addictions. I also see that what began as PTSD symptoms (see previous post for a listing) has morphed into a post-traumatic stress personality. There may be minimal PTSD symptoms remaining years after the trauma(s) have occurred and in their place is an anxiety-ridden, angry monster in denial!

This is not to say that everyone who has ever experienced PTSD has his or her personality altered. And I also want to clarify that technically speaking, there is no such thing as post traumatic stress personality. This is just the name I have come up with to describe this type of personality. Typically this is a person who experienced multiple traumas, interwoven/complex traumas, or trauma that occurred repeatedly over a significant period of time. These traumas typically occurred at a young age, probably before age 8, and no one (including the child or adult in question ) has linked these past traumas to present day feelings. Usually these clients will say, "Oh, that happened a long time ago. I'm over it." This client has received no direct support, validation, or treatment related to the traumas they have experienced. The client has likely presented for treatment around age 17 due to frequent assaults on peers and teachers, chronic tension with a caregiver, inability to form attachments, and drug use. Usually these kids have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or possibly even Conduct Disorder (a disturbing diagnosis equivalent to Antisocial Personality Disorder for kids).

It is very common that these children or adults continue to have much chaos and drama in their lives, often at their own doing. Although they may no longer experience some of the acute symptoms of PTSD, the child or adult may engage in daily fights or sexual behavior that staves off the symptoms. The fighting or sexual behavior (or various other "delinquent" behaviors) have become reinforcing in themselves. They work! They keep people at a distance or get the desired attention. They provide immediate relief and maintain a certain level of required chaos. In some cases I see children or adults who seem to repeatedly re-create the original traumas. It is believed that many people do this in the desperate attempt to make right the past trauma. For example, a child who witnessed years of domestic violence may choose a violent partner as an adolescent, believing "my love will change him, this time it will be different, and I will feel BETTER." I also see adults who were victims of physical abuse grow up and have children who are abusive toward them. They have again become the victim within their own home. Another example is the child who was sexually abused who is highly sexualized as an adolescent and highly promiscuous. Particularly with sexual abuse, a child can have their internal sexual thermostat set to "high," and thus be easily aroused or sexually activated. We call this "sexually reactive."

If the adolescent or adult has developed an addiction in an effort to relieve PTSD, then treatment first has to deal with the addiction. This is very common. It is only natural that if you are experiencing intense anxiety, difficulty with relationships, sleep problems, or persistent hostility, you would want relief! Certainly you will get some quick relief from a drink or a hit of mary jane. Perhaps the addiction is one more subtle such as food, video games, relationships, or work. The addiction and the consequences of the addiction become troublesome themselves, wreaking havoc in the life of the addict. It becomes very difficult to address PTSD with someone who is afraid you're trying to take away their drug. Often clients are not open to the possibility of PTSD when the "drug" is keeping them from experiencing any anxiety. It is more likely that behavior and problems related to the increasingly dangerous addiction is what will lead this client into treatment.

Detox can be a piece of cake compared to the hard work of unraveling a PTSD personality. It is essential, however, that the client is willing to do the work of unraveling the knots of their personality if they want to prevent relapse in their addiction. I believe so many people go through drug treatment again and again, returning each time because they have never resolved the core issues of why they NEED to use to begin with. It is also very common that as clients go through drug treatment and "get clean," that they begin to experience years of repressed anxiety, grief, or anger. I'm sure this is probably not very encouraging to anyone who may be considering drug treatment, but wait! If you are at a place where you want to find true sobriety and serenity, the work of cleaning the old toxins from your soul is what will do the trick. We do not have to have our lives forever ruled by past events. We do not have to continue to suffer or engage in behaviors that stave off the pain. We may only be human, but we are strong enough to endure the work. Humans were created to both be hurt and to heal.

Photo above found at:
http://speeddevil141992.deviantart.com/art/Cutting-67927067

Believe? Not Sure I Can Go There

"But what if I don't believe in God?"
Long pause.
I don't know what to say to this but, "What?"

This is what someone asked me the other day-- someone in pain, someone desperately seeking recovery from addictions, someone just like me, you, and the rest of humanity. Who among us has never had, if not years, then moments of doubt about God? If it's never gotten miserable enough for you that your doubting self had to cry out in anger, "If there is a God in heaven, this would be a GREAT time to show up!!!"-- well, I guess I'd think you were lying.

I have my God, and I also have no desire to force my God on anyone else. The Higher Power is always The Higher Power regardless of whether or not I'm preaching it on every street corner or loudly protesting that MY God is the only one true God!!! The Higher Power is still The Higher Power and he will find you wherever you are just like he found me in some of my most unsavory places. I'm not worried about it. The 12 Step programs are spiritual programs. They hinge upon the hope and faith that there is a Higher Power and that this Higher Power can restore us to sanity (Step 2). We are encouraged to seek out and try to build a connection with a Higher Power (Step 11), and to trust there is a Higher Power that can care for us in a way that we cannot care for ourselves (Step 3).

Well, actually, I guess the best response to a recovering addict who says "but I don't believe in God," would be, "Great! You're on your way to recovery!" One of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous defined addiction as a spiritual deficiency. Thus, all addicts have some level of disbelief in a Higher Power, at least in the acting out phases of their lives, when addiction is the God of their lives. Addicts are hurting people who just want to feel better. I sat with a beautiful teen-aged girl the other day, tears streaming from her sad brown eyes, while she gently stroked the fresh self-inflicted cuts from wrist to shoulder. She just wanted to feel better, and this time it took more cuts than ever before to finally get there. Because there is no secure thing or person to provide some outer evidence that she is loved and safe, these fresh cuts work for her to bring relief. For some it's a heavy dose of heroin, drinking until the pain stops, finding a man who brings love, or working into the wee hours every night so you don't have to think or feel anything. All these people just want to feel better and have found whatever outlet they can grasp onto to bring relief. There is no belief that some Higher Power could or even wants to do the job.

If you want to be free from addictions and you don't believe there is a force somewhere in this universe that is stronger, wiser, and has more resources than you, then how do you believe you will get better? Do you believe your addicted mind can heal your addicted mind? I really love how this is described in the "Big Book" for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, "We came to realize that this disease of sex and love addiction so subtly and thoroughly permeated our best-intentioned and most fervid plans to reform ourselves, that even our ability to think clearly was undermined. There could be no such thing as a self-powered cure. Too many of us had tried this and had failed repeatedly. It was not that our logic, motives or intents were wrong. Rather, our very ability to see the problem clearly, and our wishes to change ourselves, were themselves systematically distorted by the addiction. That part of our mind which at least intermittently recognized our sickness was itself not immune, and could not be solely relied upon to guide us to health." (The Basic Text for the Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, p. 74).


There comes a time for addicts, if you're lucky, when life and the consequences of addiction have become torturous to the point of death without actually dying. It is at this point when we place our first toe on the path of recovery and a tiny flicker emerges within us. Within this tiny flicker is the realization I am totally powerless over this thing. For many of us, there were a few expletives before and after this revelation, but I'll spare you that here. When you really GET it, I am powerless, there might be a moment of intense panic or maybe relief. This is the beauty of recovery. It's like a computer program that, once it starts running, it has its own course that doesn't require my wisdom to keep it going. That tiny flicker of self-preservation within me that admits powerlessness is the same healthy flicker that naturally says, Well, if I have no control over this behavior, dear God, I have to believe there is something or someone in this universe that is willing to help me!

Hold on to whatever vague notion of a Higher Power you can conjure. It may feel ridiculous and assaulting against your reasoning, but believe it anyway. Just fake it, if you have to. Step 2 says, "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." We came there over time. We muddled it over, tinkered with it, or fantasized about it. We began to hope it with all our hearts, for our own sake and that of our loved ones. There has got to be some force out there stronger than me that can restore me. Day One of living out of this new belief looks like this-- turn your life and your will over to the care of this God, as you understand this God to be (Step 3). Whereas we would typically rise out of bed and begin living from our own sick will, Day One-- turn your will and your life over to the care of a Higher Power. If you make it through that sober, then congratulations, it's a good start! If you did not make it through Day One sober, yet you're still alive, congratulations, it's a good start! Day Two looks like this-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. Day Three-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. You will watch in wonder as this Higher Power does for you the work of healing that you could not do for yourself, and through this process, you are coming to believe.

There are many people struggling with addictions who also struggle with turning their lives over to a Higher Power. Too many of us have been abandoned, neglected, or abused by those in power over us and have vowed to never lose ourselves to another's power again. Isn't it ironic that the venoms of abuse, neglect, and abandonment created a fear of surrender? And that surrender itself is the cure to these venoms? If you don't believe there is a Higher Power, your Higher Power already knows why you don't and doesn't judge you for it. If you can surrender your precious life to life-altering dramas and chaos, drunks, drugs that kill, the needle, the bottle, or abusive relationships, then why not give a loving Higher Power a shot at it?

Photos above found at:
http://akimao.deviantart.com/art/MagicWood-115415908
http://acacia13.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-115734325

Crazy is an STD

One of the spiritual lessons I am in the midst of these days (and we are always in the midst of one, whether your recognize it or not) is better understanding my sexuality. My concept of sexuality has been corrupted by culture, childhood events, relationships, media of various forms, and much more. I'm definitely in the beginner classes, when it comes to understanding the magnitude of sexuality and how it encompasses our entire (human) being.

As God often does for me, He introduces a person or event into my life that becomes a perfect metaphor for what He's trying to teach me. I enjoy metaphor, use them often, and think in them often. Being our spiritual Daddy, He knows how we all learn best! A couple days ago our home computer became infected with a pervasive and pesky virus that eventually crashed the entire system. In researching this virus and how to clean it, I probably created even more devastation than was already there. I also had the honor of experiencing what I have learned in the computer world is called "the blue screen of death." When your computer gives you that blue screen screaming error... well, you're just toast. Yeah, I get that now. Thanks. This morning God dropped some insight into me like a pebble into a pond-- my sexuality is the core operating system for my entire life!

Our sexuality goes way beyond sex organs. Because I am admittedly still in the beginner classes here, I cannot rattle off for you the complete list of what falls under "sexuality," but I can tell you that you'll find much more than "genitalia" listed there. In fact, I'm beginning to realize that practically EVERYTHING about me falls under the category of my sexuality, and I am hard pressed to find what isn't listed there. My sexuality is my very self as a woman-- my creativity, my feelings and thoughts, my strengths and weaknesses, my emotional and spiritual energies, my gender identity and role on this planet as a woman. My sexuality is the very essence of everything else about me, the core operating system. God forbid it ever get infected with a virus. Been there, done that and it pretty much sucks.

I am no computer genius, but I know there are innermost programs operating on an unseen level that keep my computer healthy. These programs are the skeleton for every other operation I want to perform, kind of like the secret inner room of my hard drive. There is a secret inner room to my sexuality, where no one enters but God. If I allow my spouse, partner, friend, or any one else to go where only God can exist, I get infected. Then there is a middle room to my sexuality that is meant only for close intimate relationships. God permeates into this room as well and allows me to bring in my husband. This room is meant only for him and if I let someone else in, yes, I get infected. Just a side note, I am not talking about the kind of infection that requires a shot of penicillin! Even though the virus entered through this middle room, it worms its way into every area of my sexuality and every room becomes infected!

Then there are other outer rooms where it is good to allow safe people. It is vital to the health of my sexuality that I keep these outer rooms open, while also using good protection. I have to share the programs operating from the depths of my inner sexuality, because they are creative masterpieces from God and His gift to the world. To keep them to myself would just be a waste. But in that sharing, and in all moments of sharing and opening, I need good protection around me that I do not allow viruses to come in and infect the lush and fertile grounds of my sexuality/my encompassing self.

When we are infected in our sexuality, regardless of how the virus entered, it can manifest itself in a lot of dysfunctional patterns. We're most likely going to see it really wreaking havoc in our relationships. A healthy sexuality shares intimacy and honesty, but an infected system cannot perform this function. An infected sexuality also creates bad employees and bad bosses. We become selfish or conversely, a wide open door for any fool that wants to come in and pillage. We become neurotic, psychotic, codependent, lazy, workaholic, alcoholic, sexaholic, ragers, doormats and/or devoid of any self at all. Our thinking becomes illogical and distorted. We start to believe things about ourselves and the world that are so sick it then affects the way we behave. You see how a virus spreads and affects every area of our lives?

So now I'm wondering, what is good virus protection for sexuality and where can I get some? Well, naturally, foremost I guess that means keeping my innermost room healthy. That space for me and God needs to be clean, open to Him only, and visited regularly. He meets me there, I can go any time, and answers for every other operating problem are found there. I have to keep that room safely protected and stop bringing any Tom, Dick and Harry to come in there and impart their wisdom. I need to be mindful always of other infected people. Don't you know if you invite a sick person to come in and hang out for any extended period of time, you're probably gonna get sick too?! Duh, this is not rocket science! As I change and grow, I have to keep my protection updated. What protected me yesterday may not be sufficient today as I have grown into new areas. I am careful where I go, who I listen to, what I watch, see, or read. I take in all things through a protective lens. Yes, it is hard work, but it is self-love, and more than worth it.

So, as I am re-building my electronic life on a computer that has been entirely swept clean and re-set, I am reminded that re-setting a life is painful. There is protection against the sexually transmitted diseases that infect the human spirit, and these diseases can take a life just as assuredly as HIV or untreated syphilis. Having an infected body or computer is devastating, having an infected sexuality is devastation.

Photo above found at: http://lordike3.deviantart.com/art/You-Suck-Notice-99394886

Intimacy? Why?

I am having some meandaring thoughts about intimacy-- so bear with me while I try to organize them here! I was thinking about what intimacy is, how it happens, and why we are so reluctant to have it. First of all, intimacy is when two or more people come together and CONNECT. Intimacy can happen between spouses, friends, parent and child, or most any relationship. Each person brings a real self into the moment with the other person who brings a real self. What I mean by this is that I am in touch with my thoughts, feelings, and values, and come into relationship to share them openly, willingly, and honestly. The other person(s) does this as well and a magical thing happens-- intimacy. Intimacy is not enmeshment, which means we come together and I lose myself in whoever I fantasize you to be, and you lose yourself in whoever you fantasize me to be. When we are enmeshed, we lose ourselves in other people. When we are intimate, we bring what we have and ultimately always find more of who we are. In true intimacy, I can say "no" when I need to and can respect the other's "no" as well without falling apart.

Intimacy does not happen without practice. I believe developing the capacity for intimacy is just as crucial as language development. Also, like language, intimacy is best learned at an early age. We can learn intimacy and new languages later in life, but it is always more difficult. Our brains are just primed to get these things very early on! Intimacy begins at birth... the touch, smells, and sounds of our caregivers. We cry and they meet our needs. We explore the world and caregivers look on lovingly and encourage us to try new things. We make mistakes and caregivers may critique, offer advice, or support. In all these ways, and many more, we learn who we are and how to share our budding selves with others without fear.

So if intimacy is all that and a bag of chips, then why the hell are most of us running scared when it comes to getting intimate? Well, fear is always based on fear of loss. Thank you, Dr. Howard Lipke, for giving me this wonderful insight this weekend! The fear can be a loss that already happened and fear wards off the sadness and grief of the past loss. If you experienced true intimacy with someone, then lost that person, being intimate with another can trigger those painful feelings of loss. The other type of fear of loss, is fear of a future loss. For example, we may fear that if I become intimate with you, then I will lose myself. Often adults who experienced physical and/or emotional abandonment as children fear intimacy for this reason. They fear that if they share who they really are, then you will not want to be with me anymore and leave, just like others have before.

Love addicts have often experienced both enmeshment and abandonment. In their world, these are the only two options. The love addict experiences enmeshment as a wonderful union, a supernatural connection, when the addict is truly FOUND in the other person. The love addict is able to experience a self through the eyes of the other person. This is terribly exhausting for the object of the love addict's affection.

The love avoidant often fears intimacy due to strong fears of potential abandonment. The love avoidant ultimately wants to be admired and maintain a sense of control. Love avoidants will pursue a love addict (who often appears in distress and in need of a hero). The love avoidant comes onto the scene, saves the day, then wants to bask in his/her bravado. When the love addict begins to actually seek identity through the love avoidant, the avoidant fears that intimacy may be approaching and intimacy means you will see I am really not a supernatural savior. True intimacy could also mean that you see the real me and abandon me, as others have before. Thus, the love avoidant does what avoidants do best... well, avoid! Run! This sends the addict into a desperate chase, which only makes the avoidant run harder. You see the pattern.

Another barrier to true intimacy is that many people are completely out of touch with their own thoughts, feelings, and values, and therefore, cannot possibly share them with someone else. How can I bring anything to the table, when I have no clue what is in my pantry? This is true for both addicts and avoidants, and why the first step to any recovery is development of a self. I guess what I am realizing then is that true intimacy always happens first with self and Higher Power before it happens elsewhere... what a concept. Sometimes meandering takes us to nice places.

Photo above found at:
http://millesime.deviantart.com/art/Two-Women-3-32709018

Gimme a C! Codependent!

Codependent is a term that confuses many people. Some people believe they know what it means, but really do not have a full understanding of the codependent role. The word codependent has such a negative connotation, too. I mean, who really wants to willingly identify themselves as codependent? Most of us get there only after years of codependent behavior that has made our lives a wreck, and we acknowledge ourselves as codependent. By this time, we would almost graciously accept the label of Boo Boo the Fool just to get some relief! I'm hoping to shed some light on what exactly IS a codependent?

A cheerleading team has a captain and a co-captain. The co-captain is there to assist the captain with tasks that the captain cannot handle alone. The co-captain is the leader in situations where the captain is unable to perform his/her managerial duties for the team. I have never heard of someone say, "Oh, I want to be co-captain of my cheerleading squad!" The co-captain is generally someone who wanted to be captain, and didn't have the seniority, skills, clout, whatever, to be captain. It's somewhat the same with a CO-dependent. The co-dependent is there to assist the addict with tasks that the addict cannot handle alone, as a result of their addiction. The co-dependent has to step up and lead when the addict is unable to perform his/her duties, as a result of their addiction. No one ever says they want to grow up and be an addict, and no one ESPECIALLY says they want to grow up to be a CODEPENDENT!

We become co-dependents by default, that is, when we grow up in an unpredictable, scary, and/or chaotic environment, one where we have no developmentally appropriate level of control. Often these are environments where one or both parents/caregivers are addicts or codependent themselves. Children in these homes cannot predict from day to day what punishments might be, whether parents will be happy or raging, what might make a parent happy, if Dad or Mom will be high, or if anyone will be home to cook dinner. When we cannot be captain and have some measure of control, we are defaulted to codependent.

Let me preface by saying, there are NO perfect parents. We need only be good enough. Children need safety, unconditional warmth, someone who nurtures development of unique skills and traits, a caregiver who provides predictable structure and routine, and someone who listens/validates the child. When one or more of these are consistently not met, the child fails to develop emotionally. The body grows, but there is not a person in there!

The foundational definition of codependency is lack of self or lack of a relationship with self. Codependents are addicted to addicts, taking care of addicts, being angry at addicts, taking out revenge on addicts, getting abused by addicts, leaving addicts and finding new addicts. Codependents can even act out this addiction with other codependents, just to make things clear as mud here. Because no core identity really exists (apart from SHAME perhaps),codependents need the mirroring approval, acceptance, and needs of other people to give themselves a face or identity. Addicts love codependents because the codependent morphs into whatever being the addict requires him/her to be. If the addict needs money, the codependent can provide that. If the addict needs you to love him/her and not ever mention the addiction, codependents can do that. If the addict needs someone to defend and justify their behavior, codependents will do it! Codependents are blank slates upon which addicts can write out the person they need.

Codependents are as variant as the many ethnicities of the human race itself. They do not all look nor behave exactly the same. Some are bitter, unlovable people. Some are successful in their work (probably in a caretaking career, such as nursing or social work!), yet burn out or have multiple boundary and ethical violations on the job and are forced to do something else. Being a codependent is very hard and exhausting work. This is why in addition to the magical morphing trick they do, nearly all codependents beg for help from others with all the caretaking they do. If they are too proud to ask for help with the caretaking, they may play the martyr, do it ALL completely alone (without complaint, mind you) and wind up physically ill, mentally ill, or dead.

The life of a codependent is a tiring one and full of stress and misery, but there is hope! Codependents can heal and get well. They can overcome past wounds, develop a relationship with self, and soon the addict magnet stops working. I feel I've rambled on quite a bit for tonight, so maybe we'll get to that in another post! So, I guess the moral of this story is-- if you're not nominated as captain, then politely decline the co-captain position and just enjoy the away games and the pep rallies!

Photo above found at:
http://wesleykhall.deviantart.com/art/You-Go-here-31600741

Surviving Withdrawal

It seems that one of the biggest predictors for achieving sobriety (from any type of addiction-- drug, alcohol, love, gambling, etc.) is the person's ability to endure withdrawal. Certainly there are people who endure the pain of withdrawal and, in a matter of days or weeks, return to the drug. There are even those who have survived withdrawal multiple times. I think the largest group, however, are those who never enter withdrawal EVER.

I have come to believe that enduring withdrawal is nearly impossible when attempted alone. It's just too hard and an addict needs accountability, someone there holding them to the sober line. Addicts turn to the drug/activity of choice to avoid emotional pain of some sort. The use of addictive relationships and substances helps stave off pain from the past that, at the time, we did not have the tools to experience. A neglected or abused child with no parental support is not equipped to emotionally cope. The pain of this remains frozen and forever delayed through addictions. When this person, at age 35, decides to stop the addictions, the pain of that event, and perhaps many other events, shows up presenting a bill. Withdrawal pain includes experiencing delayed hurts... thus, why so many people fear they cannot endure it.

If someone feels they are ready to endure the darkness and pain of withdrawal, then I encourage you to surround yourself with loving and supportive people beforehand. Cut back on other responsibilities and be prepared to show immense kindness and compassion to yourself. Be prepared to cry, rage, and talk, talk, talk. You may want to write about what you are feeling. You may want to exercise or read about what you are going through. Reading about the process is a helpful reminder that the pain of withdrawal is productive and useful. Be patient with the process and know this is only a season of hurt and will yield great rewards when endured.

You have essentially been dropped into the ocean with oxygen, a flashlight, and a compass and told where to go. If you freak out and continually come to the surface, you will never be able to complete this mission. At some point you have to accept that you have all the tools you need to get where you are going. Stay calm, stay in the water, use your tools, and keep swimming.

Photo above found here:
http://conh.deviantart.com/art/A-Snapshot-of-Life-14918632

Blueberries and Caviar: The Thrill-Seeker's Life

Some of us want to live life amped up 24/7. We want excitement, thrills, and drama each moment of the day. When this is not to be found, we can create some chaos and crazy to keep things interesting. There are people who know little else than the chaotic life and, unfortunately, it was hard-wired in them since childhood. When children or even adults live a life of emotional intensity for prolonged periods of time, then the internal thermostat for emotions is set to "high." For this person to feel balanced and regulated, he/she needs high levels of emotional activity. I've seen this to be true particularly for children who grew up in fear within their homes, either due to long-term abuse, neglect, or domestic violence. I've also seen adults who were carted from one wild activity to another as children with very little time ever given to silence or solitude. They have now become adults who must always be DOING and WITH PEOPLE and are teaching their children the same.

The thrill-seeker lives life much like someone who wants to eat caviar every meal every day. It takes a lot of money, time, and effort to acquire and sustain the caviar life for long periods of time. Not to mention, a daily diet of caviar is hardly good for the body. Man cannot live on caviar alone. A healthy body requires a varied diet, which often includes simple, accessible foods that richly nourish the body. Blueberries are one of the healthiest foods we can eat, full of antioxidants that ward off the bad guys roaming around within our bodies. One blueberry on the tongue is a delight, yet such a simple food. It's easy to forget the joy of simple things, such as a blueberry freshly plucked, a tomato right off the vine. Taking a bite is a spiritual experience as the rich juices fill your mouth, and your body celebrates at all the good being fed.

Thrill seekers, you want caviar every meal, but what you are missing is the thrill of the more simple day-to-day goodness of blueberries! There is soul food to be found in the quiet of washing your dishes, eating with family at the dinner table, or taking a hot shower. If you quiet yourself from the inside and settle into the simple moments, you will feel fed. You will feel nourished. You will bring balance to the emotional life.

Photo above found at:
http://rscorp.deviantart.com/art/summer-blueberries-44593196

Thoughts on Sex and Love Addiction

I have been surprised and inspired by the response from readers regarding this series on sex and love addiction. I am so glad to know there are so many people hungry for healing and actively seeking information that can help them with their recovery. If I can be a source of information for anyone on this journey then I am happy to provide that support. If anyone has suggestions for future posts regarding addictions, please feel free to contact me at chloedawn10@yahoo.com . I am open to your ideas and feedback.

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 3

Recovery is living fully within yourself one moment at a time. Recovery is accepting the reality of who you are, what you have done, and shrugging off shame in order to make this present moment one that restores you to health. Recovery is moving forward and letting go of the past. If you have survived withdrawal, congratulations. Welcome to your new life.

Living in recovery is not the happy-go-lucky, joyful, and easy life that we believed it would be. It is a lot of work re-parenting ourselves to be responsible and honest. In the beginning it requires a conscious effort to actually care for ourselves the way we should be cared for. This includes avoidance of toxic people and places. Caring for ourselves involves eating healthy, getting regular exercise, and always doing the next right thing. Most of all caring for ourselves means that our inner self-talk is loving, forgiving, and always encouraging to self. Most recovering addicts that I have worked with are their own worst enemies. They internally beat themselves up and require way too much from themselves emotionally and physically. When they are unable to meet their own exacting standards, they insult and kick themselves while they are down. It requires great effort to be able to say to yourself everyday, "I am doing a good job of learning how to live. I am worthy of this recovery. I am a good person." I find that those who laugh at these kinds of statements are often the people who do not believe them and, therefore, find them ridiculous to say. Even if you don't believe it, say it anyway. Fake it till you make it.

The original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous divinely argued that addiction is a spiritual deficiency. I finally get how this is true. We are created to be intimately connected with a power greater than ourselves. When that connection is damaged or non-existent, we suffer spiritually. This suffering is very painful and can drive people to substances and behaviors that "fill the void." If you have a fear of intimacy (the core of sex and love addiction), know that you will have the same fear of intimacy with a Higher Power. No one is to be trusted-- not even God! As you progressed in your disease, getting sicker and sicker, you finally reached a point where you knew you could never get yourself well on your own. You recognized you had no control over your sickness and your own diseased mind was incapable of healing your own diseased mind! In recovery we have no other option but to believe that there is a power greater than ourselves who CAN restore us to sanity. So, even though you did not initially trust God, you found yourself in a place where you had to.

I have been very encouraged by the many people who have come here seeking some help in their sex and love addiction. If I can offer you nothing else, let me offer this-- there is healing and recovery from your addiction. You do not have to suffer in the cycle of acting out and shame for the rest of your life. There is a Higher Power who is able to sustain you and who has a storehouse of unending medicines just for what ails you. You have to do your part, which is making that conscious effort to seek your Higher Power and connect with it every day. Now that you are past withdrawal, you are learning to walk out your life one day at a time. The support of others in recovery and the supernatural power from God will sustain you in recovery.

Above photo found at: http://www.deviantart.com/print/3634229/?forusername=Gemini-Soul

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 2

Sex and Love Addiction-- the withdrawal and recovery phases. I am assuming and hoping that any addict at this phase is fed up with their own addiction. At this point, an addict is willing to endure whatever withdrawal pain that comes and willing to sacrifice and let go of whatever and whomever in order to shake this addiction. By now the addict realizes that to continue on in the unhealthy behaviors and patterns of sex and love addiction can mean only certain death or irreversible loss of sanity. It is this realistic and healthy fear that drives an addict into recovery.

Withdrawal is tough. Like an addiction to a substance, withdrawal from sex and love addiction involves emotional, psychological, and physical suffering. The addictive process is occurring in the brain, thus, sex and love addiction is just as neurological and chemical as an addiction to heroin or alcohol. Withdrawing from these neurological and dopamine highs can create physical symptoms of sweats, chills, headaches, stomach aches, fatigue and/or listlessness. There are the unavoidable emotional symptoms of fear, panic, anxiety, intense sadness or depression, anger, the sense of "going crazy," and many other possible feelings. The withdrawal process is different for every person both in symptoms and duration.

Withdrawal is the process of ceasing all harmful behaviors and patterns related to your own sex and love addiction. This may mean refraining from compulsive masturbation, no longer incessantly phoning an ex-lover or driving by their home, ending frequent sex with strangers, or leaving an abusive relationship. Define your "bottom-line" behaviors-- those behaviors that you must presently stop in order to begin withdrawal and recovery. Know that ceasing these patterns and enduring the pain of withdrawal will require support from others. This is a difficult process that will be made only more difficult if you attempt it alone. Find a support group, a therapist, and a nonjudgmental and supportive friend. Get yourself into a 12 step group for sex addiction or sex and love addiction (Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). If you cannot find one in your area then consider a group for recovering codependents or an Al-anon group. These are sound 12 step groups that will provide you emotional support and a foundation of 12 step work to get you started. Read and learn about your addiction. Take care of yourself emotionally and physically during this very difficult and trying time. This process can take anywhere from 1-6 months depending on the severity of the addiction and your consistency in refraining from bottom-line behaviors.

During the withdrawal phase of recovery, all of your poison and junk from the past will begin to bubble to the surface. Acting out and mood-altering with unhealthy partners and in unhealthy behaviors have kept these feelings at bay for many years. Now that you are no longer engaging in the love addiction, these feelings are allowed to come out. You may feel compelled to begin overeating, drinking, or completely isolating yourself from the world as a means to cope with withdrawal. As much as you can try not to pick up other addictions! As much as you can try not to go to the opposite extreme of sex and love addiction and become a sexual anorexic, mistaking that for recovery. Recovery from sex and love addiction does not mean you will never be in a relationship ever again, it means you are beginning a relationship with yourself for the first time ever.

If you endure, you will find one beautiful morning, you wake up with this strange feeling. You will feel quiet on the inside and open to the universe and a Higher Power. You will feel clean and free. It will likely scare the hell out of you, but pat yourself on the back. You are experiencing the peace of recovery and this is a marker that some painful emotional wounds have healed and you have begun a trusting relationship with self. Surviving withdrawal is an accomplishment to be grateful for and one that opens the door to deeper recovery... to be discussed in Part 3.

Sex and Love Addiction, Part 1

We are a society riddled with addictions. We battle drug and alcohol addictions, gambling, and honor those who work themselves into the ground. An addiction is any substance or set of behaviors that, if continued, create bodily and emotional damage to the user. Despite the possibility of losing friends, loved ones, our hold on sanity, and perhaps our very lives or dignity, we are powerless to stop the behavior on our own. I believe the most overlooked and prevalent addiction of them all is sex and love addiction. We as a culture are consumed so deeply with our own sex and love addiction that we are oblivious to the manifestations of this disease that permeate our lives. Evidence of this can be heard in nearly every song on the radio, television and movie characters, and yes, even sometimes in the ways in which our nation runs to the rescue of others while our own children do without.

With every addiction, there is a complex dance of seratonin and dopamine that weave their magical potent effects on the brain. Some drugs or behaviors enhance seratonin (which creates a sense of peace and well-being), while others may have a greater effect on dopamine (which creates the craving/longing, the "rush"). It is when a drug or set of behaviors can create both the craving/longing---> the high ---> then the ahhhhh, contentment afterward-- this is the perfect storm for addiction. The neural and chemical atmosphere of the brain literally begins to shift and mold in an effort to maintain this cycle of craving, high, contentment. With each cycle, the addiction grows stronger. This means the craving reaches intense peaks but the high and contentment afterward get shorter... thus, more drug needed!

In sex and love addiction, the craving is the strong desire to be loved, needed, adored, or desired. This craving is satisfied through "acting out behaviors" that often involve fantasy. For example, an individual has an ideal other that is sexy, desirable, nurturing, perfect and this fantasy other is projected onto the unsuspecting person who just walked into the room. Ahhh, love is born. The high involves some sense of attaining the other person. This may be through having them come to your house every night, hours of phone conversation, sex without knowing the person, or any combination of behaviors.

Yes, we all engage in these kinds of behaviors when we first meet someone and feel that goo goo ga ga in the early stages of love. The difference with an addict is that he/she is unable to maintain a relationship without this constant high and feeling of attainment of the other. Once the high wears off, which could be days or years, the addict will continue the dance with someone else. Generally, as sex and love addiction grows, addicts lose the high with a partner very quickly and will move from one relationship to another recreating the longing, the attainment-rush, and brief contentment afterward. Later in the disease, many sex and love addicts pursue multiple partners at a time, may have sex with people they hardly know, and idealize the partner then grow angry and bored when the partner can no longer keep up the fantasy.

Sex and love addiction is not to be minimized. It is a deadly disease that can lead to the loss of dignity, self, and life. This addiction drives people to engage in behaviors that are dangerous or place the addict at risk of harm or trouble with the law. In order to maintain the self-debasing behaviors of the dance, the addict may increase use of other substances to be able to continue, such as drugs or alcohol. An example of this is the woman whose sex and love addiction, over the course of years, leads her into a lifestyle of prostitution. She may wake up one day, realize this is not what she signed up for and that it no longer feels good. The problem is she can't stop and must self-medicate with other drugs to continue the cycle. Another example is the man who has a wife and children at home but cannot stop his frequent visits to the prostitute. His behavior may have begun with a handful of extra-marital affairs and in an effort to intensify the high, his behavior escalated to prostitutes. He now needs a boost of Johnnie Walker himself to maintain the behavior for which he is ashamed but unable to stop.

One of the hallmarks of sex and love addiction is having an unrealistic view of what true intimacy really looks like. Typically love addicts have an intense often subconscious fear of true intimacy. True intimacy is sharing the reality of yourself with your partner, flaws and all, and open to receiving the reality of who your partner is, flaws and all. Most sex and love addicts tend to err on either extreme of enmeshment or detachment. The love addict who enmeshes with a partner has difficulty determining where they end and the partner begins. They are "one," they need the other person's attention to feel as if they have a valid self. They cannot accept the other person's need for individuality and would prefer to fuse together with the fantasy of creating one whole self. The other extreme seen in sex and love addiction is detachment. This is the tricky type because these addicts actually appear aloof. Their fear of intimacy is much more apparent as they literally go from one room to another trying to avoid the partner. They are uncomfortable with conversation that may require them to share something about themselves and have the persistent fear that they may be swallowed whole by the partner if they don't keep up the guard. The addiction is that they need to be persistently chased. They do not want enmeshment nor do they want the pursuer to leave. The message of this type of addict is "go away but please don't leave me." They avoid intimacy yet will panic if the partner threatens to leave. This type of addict can be very seductive in an effort to draw the partner back in.

In my next post, I hope to explain more about withdrawal and the recovery process for sex and love addicts.

The Serenity Prayer: Courage

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference.

It's a prayer many of us have heard and one that some of us cling to as a sacrament just as effective in reaching a Higher Power as communion. When I pray the serenity prayer, well, things happen. Serenity, courage, and wisdom happen-- not always in that order.

Most recently I have been thinking a lot about the whole courage part. Sometimes recovery comes in thick layers like eras of time that can be excavated by archaeologists. If someone were to try to do an archaeological dig on my life, they would find a thick layer and say, "Hey, here's the acceptance era!" This is, of course, is not true for everyone, and will change through the course of my own life as well. I believe I am presently in the era of courage and it is very scary, thus, the era of COURAGE.

I have often prayed this prayer and thought, "Why would you need courage to change something that is already fully within your power to change?" The prayer does say, God grant me the courage to change the things I can. Why is that scary? Well, now I know. Once you have reached full acceptance of the truths in your life, whether that be I am in debt, I am very sick, or My boss is impossible and there is nothing I can do about it, the next logical step becomes action.

When I am no longer obsessed about about all the things I cannot change, then I am absent of anxiety! I am at a place of peace. In this peace I have the clarity to see all the things in my own life that have become overgrown or dying, and am faced with the daunting task of cleaning it. This may require me to throw out the very things I once thought were essential to living. This is very scary because one may think, "What if I throw this out and then I need it later? What if this really was keeping me alive and then it's gone! I will die without it!" or him, or her, you just fill in the blank. Looking in your own yard means cutting back things and that will probably hurt. It means acknowledging your own negligence and taking responsibility for it. It means jumping into the unknown, leaning completely on the belief that my own human mind cannot heal my own human mind and I just might have to depend on someone else to help me with this. Looking at my own yard means I can never blame other people again for its overgrowth and shambles. Deciding to do this takes immense courage, really deep, gut-wrenching courage. God, GRANT me the courage to CHANGE the things I can.

I know for me it won't actually be archaeological digs that uncover these eras but journals and blogs that trail for miles after I am gone. And when friends, loved ones, and generations behind me dig through the writings, I pray they find thick, healthy layers of acceptance upon courage upon wisdom and that they know-- words bring healing, whether it's a journal entry or a prayer.

Addiction: A Train Ride to Nowhere

What is addiction? How exactly do people get addicted? How can they get un-addicted? Can they ever really be free from addictions? Good morning and welcome to my mind at 8am. I work with people everyday with various addictions and am fascinated with a horror-stricken fascination with addictions.

A common feature I am beginning to see emerge is the self-induced trance of an addict. This trance seems to come on once the craving for the addictive substance or activity reaches a threshold. This threshold can be different for each person dependent upon his/her stage of addiction. Once the craving reaches a threshold, the person seems to go into a trance-like state where the only goal in life is achieving the high. Once you have entered this state it is very difficult to come out of it until the trance runs its course and the individual "uses." This self-induced trance can last for days while the person fantasizes about the substance and creates plan for attaining the substance/activity of choice. While in this trance, I have seen mothers neglect and abandon children, individuals place their lives at risk, maxing out credit cards, losing sleep and interest in essential everyday activities.

Most interventions seem to focus on strategies that would prevent one from entering this phase of intense craving and plans to fulfill the craving. What I am wondering is this-- is it possible for someone to come out of the trance without using and what would this require? Someone under hypnosis would be brought out of the hypnotic state with a word or sound initiated by the hypnotist. Could we do a similar thing for ourselves? Can someone else do this for us? I certainly believe this is possible-- that there are things we can do to bring us back to the here and now, getting us off the track of addiction that leads nowhere.

In fact, that is exactly what addictions and addictive behavior is like-- a train ride to nowhere. Imagine you enjoy the feel of riding a train, yet the only train available is one that drives straight into hell and drops you off. Nonetheless, your enjoyment of the train ride is intense enough to compel you into countless rides on the train to hell. After numerous trips on this train, you know once the ride ends, you will be sweating it out in the blasting inferno of post-trip exultation. The train ride, as wonderful as it is, seems to only last an hour or so (if you're lucky), but the work required to get yourself out of hell afterwards can sometimes take days or weeks. After many repetitions of the ride-then suffer cycle, you may even begin to say to yourself, "Why am I getting on this train again? I know it's only going to leave me in the middle of nowhere!" Yet, because of the trance-like state, you enter like sheep led to the slaughter.

Now imagine you are mid-train ride and begin to realize the absurdity of the situation. What I hope and am beginning to believe, is we can stand up from our seats and make our way to the conductor. We can insist that this train to be stopped so that we can get off, and the initiating force that snaps us out of the trance is our own pain. The pain of knowing where this addiction is going to lead you is intense enough to break the spell and propel you from your cushy seat on the train. The pain of knowing you are going to hell and may one day never return is just as intense, if not more intense, than the craving that put you on this train to begin with. That is why it works, a necessary evil of nature I suppose. Pain is our friend and some of us need it in order to recover. So, here is my hope for the day-- we do not have to suffer on this crazy cycle any longer. The way I can help someone today is to allow their own pain to do its work. Realizing I cannot stop your train is the very action that gets me out of my own seat today, "Conductor, I need you to stop here. I'll not be going all the way this time."