The Power of Words

Hello, blogger friends!  The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerted.  I am still alive and kicking.  Lots happening in my world.  I've been in novel-editing hell, working like a fiend on my two jobs, and caring for my two special needs babies.  Despite the busy-ness of life, I'm happy and well. 

I realize now how my 7 month break has actually provided an opportunity for writing fodder.  Lots of juicy insights have come over the last several months, so I hope to find the time to put some of those in writing here.  What I really want to sort through today is this idea I've been tossing around about our words.  It seems cliche to talk about the power of our words, and yet this truth is so simple and... well, powerful.  I am a woman of many words.  I talk alot.  I talk so much that sometimes I can't remember what I said or who to whom I said it.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does present a potential pit, particularly when you want every word you speak to carry its own responsible weight. 

I'm learning that our words fall into two main camps-- labeling v. judging.  The labeling camp of words are used to describe, observe, and give shape to.  The judging camp of words are meant to attach a value-laden meaning to an observation or description.  For example, if my husband hasn't put away the laundry, the judging camp of words might say, "You never help me around here!  You are so lazy."  The labeling camp would say, "I notice the laundry basket is still sitting here.  Would you mind putting those away today?"  This may seem like no big deal to some of you, but to me this is Life.  Changing.

I am a judger from way back, Honey.  I should have been a tax auditor or an editor.  If there is anything wrong with you or something you've done, I can find it in a hot minute.  I also have the ability to turn these super-powered judging lenses inward on myself.  I can and will find the faults within me then make a slew of shame-inducing negative comments toward myself.  What I'm learning is to slow down and listen before speaking to others or judging myself.  What a concept!  I listen for how the other person seems to feel and what it is they seem to be saying about what they need.  This is particularly difficult to do if the other person is actually trying to place their own anger, sadness, guilt, etc. on me, but it can be done.  Another example, a co-worker huffs into my office and with a tone says, "your report is still not done, and I can't finish up my final report until you do your job."  My first reaction is to not really hear this person but to fire back with an equally angry-toned remark.  However, if I pause and try to connect with what the co-worker is feeling, hear what she needs, and choose not to take anything personal from her comment, I will hear that she sounds stressed.  It seems like she's also saying that having her work done on time is important to her.  If I just hear those things and respond from that, she and I are much more likely to have a pleasant ending to this conversation.

Some folks call this "non-violent communication."  I like that, because it highlights the fact that communicating any other way is likely to feel "violent."  There are some wonderful booklets and websites about this as well, describing this as giraffe v. jackal language.  The giraffe seeks to connect, while the jackal seeks to attack.  Here's an article that says it much better than I can:  http://www.thedutchphdcoach.com/process/learn-to-speak-giraffe/ .  I'll even go so far as to attach a value-laden label to the article and say it's awesome! 

I'm learning that when I am purposeful and thoughtful when choosing my words, I am left feeling clear-headed about myself and the situation.  Connecting, sorting through, and giving objective observations feels kind and gentle, both to myself and others.  All we really want is to build up others and ourselves, and it feels good to know that I can do the bulk of that work by carefully choosing my own words.  Now that is powerful.

The photo above can be found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=powerful+words#/art/The-power-of-words-260509218?_sid=299626b4

To Every Thing There Is a Season

We have had a rough winter here in the Nashville area with a record number of snow days. In fact, many schools in this area have gone over their designated number of snow days, requiring students to extend their school year. Our first snow occurred in December, which is unheard of, and the wintry precipitation did not stop until into February. We're pretty spoiled in this area with the warm weather. It tends to stay fairly mild here throughout the year. It's not unheard of to have little to no snow at all in the winter. So, for us to get really SICK of snow tells you that it was a lot. Despite the harsh winter and all the previous years of bitter cold, I can say I have never had a therapy client come into my office complaining of despair due to snow, ice, or cold. Yes, sometimes we may feel our mood negatively and temporarily affected on a gray day, but I'm saying I have never seen anyone go into despair over bad weather. Why is that? Why did we Nashvillians not begin to wail and moan in utter hopelessness over the extremely cold and harsh winter we suffered? Because we know it ends! Winter always ends and spring always comes! It is inevitable. We've seen it happen year after year-- the sunshine emerges and the snow melts. Like clockwork spring always comes.

In Ecclesiastes we are told that to EVERYTHING there is a season. This means there is a season for depression, anger, grief, loneliness, and a host of other painful experiences. These things have their season then they end. They always end because we are promised they will end. They are confined to a season. I know that I begin to experience despair and hopelessness in the midst of a painful experience, when I convince myself that "this will never end! I cannot handle it any longer and it will never end!" I don't despair over winter, so why should I despair over other unpleasant experiences? This too shall pass.

Ecclesiastes 3

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=seasons#/djz251

Miss Smarty Pants

When I was around 9 years old, my parents divorced. As an adult I can see how this divorce was inevitable and necessary. Children, however, do not have adult logic and coping skills. Children believe things that are not true and sometimes believe things that are downright magical or fanciful. Children also tend to believe that the world revolves around them, thus other people's choices must be because of something the child has done. My child reasoning came up with the bright idea that my Dad left because I was not special in any way. Some children might have blamed themselves in various other ways, telling themselves, "I'm not a good girl, so Dad left," or "I argued with Dad last week, so he left," etc., etc. For me, I just felt PLAIN and therefore unlovable. I remember when school let out that spring, at the completion of fourth grade, I made the decision that one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty smart. I didn't consider myself particularly pretty, social, or talented in any way, but darn it, I could learn anything! So, I resolved to become the SMARTEST and this is what would make me special. My parents had ordered a set of encyclopedia books for me, and that summer I set out to begin reading and committing to memory the entire set. Oh, Dear...

Thus began my lifelong agenda of becoming a real know-it-all. In retrospect, I know I was a pretty smart kid, but so were alot of my friends. There was nothing really all that special about my good grades, but I had convinced myself it was the one thing that kept me special and therefore forever safe from abandonment.

The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is because I am realizng this is the wound that is being triggered by Mr. A, referenced in my last post. As the universe would have it, I have been put into a relationship with another know-it-all just like me. Great! (insert sarcasm here) There is only room for one know-it-all per office, home, or school, etc. When two know-it-alls disagree, uh-oh, someone has to back off and admit, I don't know everything, you do. That is just not happening! It's really almost laughable but the wound is very real, because here is the problem: if you take away my smart status, then my wound says you just took away the one thing that makes me special, and now I am vulnerable to abandonment.

I am very grateful to have this wound and the lie of it exposed. I am actually becoming grateful for every instance when Mr. A tells me something I already know and I'm tempted to say, "Yes, I already know that." When I walk away from this triggering instance, I have truth on my side, and the truth can be applied like a healing balm. These are the sweet and wonderful truths that I know:
1. I am not the smartest person around, nor do I need to be. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise!
2. I am special and unique regardless of my IQ or book smarts. There is no one else on this planet exactly like me.
3. I can never be abandoned ever again, because I am an adult now. Adults can't be abandoned, because adults are self-sufficient (in the survival sense). Only children can truly be abandoned.
4. I am powerless over other people and trying to control other people only makes my own life unmanageable. I have a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity and daily meet my needs, as long as I daily turn the care of myself over to Him.

I share this personal story with great humility and with the hope that someone reads a part of themselves here. May the truth set us free!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=girl%20reading&order=9&offset=24#/d1e50b5

Intimacy: Do It Afraid

A reader recently asked for some specific tools in learning to tolerate intimacy. Intimacy, the sharing of your genuine self with another and experiencing the genuineness of another, can feel wonderful and also very scary. In those simple moments of intimacy, one can feel so vulnerable. When we expose our soft spots, there is the risk of that fragile place being crushed by another. This is especially true for those of us who have been crushed in the past. Having offered entry into your true self and having it trashed, one can become cynical, even downright phobic of trying again.

Being a 12 Stepper, I hold a firm belief in a Higher Power and my Higher Power is God. I believe God desires for us to have intimacy first and foremost with Him and there is a holy place within us reserved for God alone. Beyond that, I also believe he desires for us to enjoy intimacy with other trusting people, and God offers continual comfort and healing for the times we will be hurt by others in the process. Being intimate always requires the risk of being hurt or disappointed, and the reward is always worth the risk. Yes, you will be hurt. It's just part of the process. You will survive and heal from these hurts.

Here are a few tools for those of you who are ready to remain open to the wonderful gift of intimacy but often feel afraid and want to pull back:

1. Simply Be Present In moments of intimacy (whatever that might be, conversation, quiet times together, eye contact, sex, etc.)when you feel the anxiety begin to rise, simply remain present. Stay in the moment and just observe it. Notice the sights and sounds of the moment. Simply observe them, identify them (i.e., my husband is wearing blue, the TV is on in the other room, my left knee aches). Sometimes identifying the simpler components of a moment can reduce the anxiety of it. Let the pressure of the moment recede while you identify these smaller components.

2. Breathe and Soothe When the anxiety begins to rise, take a deep breath in for as long as you can hold it, then release for as long as you can release it. Take several of these belly-deep breathes and speak in a soothing voice to yourself inwardly such things as "I am OK right now," "these moments are good for me and my partner," "nothing bad is happening right now," "I am just fine, I can do this, this is good." Relax, breathe, and soothe yourself with kind words. Talk yourself gently through it. You have to learn to tolerate the moment rather than escape it. When you don't escape the anxiety, you find that it reaches a peak, then begins to recede. After you have tolerated and talked yourself through the anxiety, you can gain confidence over it.

3. Daily Alone Time with God I say daily because you probably need this frequent practice if intimacy is difficult for you. How do you expect to feel OK sharing deeper parts of yourself with another when you cannot even experience those deeper parts when alone? Sit quietly with God and feel his acceptance of every single part of you. As you learn to feel OK with all of you, then you will grow more comfortable sharing that with others. It takes a little time and patience with yourself.

4. Practice Be willing to put yourself in situations of intimacy that make you uncomfortable. These are wonderful opportunities to practice. Don't worry about whether or not you are doing it "right," only be proud of yourself for continuing to try. Pat yourself on the back and cheer yourself on, "I am so brave doing this. So many people never show this kind of willingness to grow, but I want more intimacy!" And this is true, many people struggle with this step-- practicing. It's just too hard, so they make excuses for why they cannot go on that date, excuses for why they need to work a couple hours late rather than go home to the wife, make excuses for why they cannot talk with family when they do come home.

These 4 strategies are loosely based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)pioneered by Marsha Linehan. I use these strategies with clients coping with many different types of anxiety.

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d1dqgwk

Suffering is Optional

Why is it that once someone begins suffering, they never seem to stop? I'm not talking about going through some hard times or hitting a few unlucky bumps along the way. I'm talking about enduring abuse, abandonment, neglect, anxiety, chaos, you know, that kind of suffering. I'm noticing a pattern where those who have made suffering an art, often began honing this art at a very young age. By the time I see these people in therapy, whether they are teenaged or an adult, the suffering has become part of their personality. To suggest there is a life otherwise is blasphemy and almost insulting.

Even those who finally have the light bulb go on and decide they want the suffering to end sometimes have difficulty walking it out. Going from a life of suffering to walking in sunshine, smiling, finding the positive, making lemonade out of lemons... well, it's HARD. I have a client who has known suffering that some of us cannot fathom. She is an adult woman now, struggling almost daily with panic attacks, worry, abusive relationships, and tensions with her children. She has supports in her life that others don't. She has a good treatment team, a good job, and a nice home. Much of the crazy in her life is of her own making. My heart just goes out to her watching her hurt herself this way and I told her, "You have suffered enough. It's time to have a great life now. You deserve it. It's ok to start your great life." I think she's starting to get it.

Today I shared a rubber band with her. She and I put a colorful band on our wrists like bracelets. I explained to her that though she had no control over the crap that has happened to her for her much of her life, this is no longer the case. Starting today it was time to find the good. I asked her to flip that rubber band on her wrist every time she has a negative, critical, or anxiety-provoking thought. After snapping the band she would then say, "God wants me to have a GOOD life and today I choose that GOOD life." I agreed that I would do the same.

I agreed to do this primarily to give her a sense of support and connection with another person. What I didn't expect is how much this exercise has affected me. I have popped my own wrist about 20 times already today and by gosh, I think I'm really beginning to believe it... God wants me to have a GOOD life and today I choose that GOOD life.

Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional.

Photo above found here:
http://jakrak.deviantart.com/art/Bands-20510905