A Lesson from Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." When I first heard this, I just paused. I wasn't sure if I believed that and something about it didn't feel right. My first thought was, "What about all the times that I've unintentionally hurt others and they continued to support me and give me another chance? I thank God for those people!" I want to be a merciful and patient person. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best. I don't want to believe something about a person because of one behavior. I also want to be smarter about good self-care and not routinely become someone else's doormat! Surely there has got to be a good balance in there somewhere.

Every now and again I will have a brief moment of clarity on a tough issue. My understanding of a problem or its solution will show its face like an image emerging in a cloudy crystal ball, then it's gone again. But for that one moment I felt a knowing. This is how many of us gain a new insight or how some of us move into acceptance of an issue as opposed to just being aware of it. I realized this week the truth of Maya Angelou's statement. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Take note of the behavior that was just displayed and adjust yourself within that relationship. This does not mean I have to stop believing in the good in the person. This does not mean that I give up on this person. It doesn't mean I become unkind or unforgiving toward them. What it does mean is that I can practice healthy and loving safeguards within that relationship so that I do not have to be hurt in the same way again by this same person! It does mean that I should take note of the other person's behavior and know they are capable of it again. It is good to believe the truth of another person's behavior. I can be respectful to the other person while also believing and knowing their potential for hurtful behavior.

It feels right to be given permission to trust my instincts. When someone shows me unhealthy behavior, my instinct is self-preservation and that is OK. It is not selfish. This is a loving act toward myself. I can love myself without being cruel to other people. In fact, it's really not very loving to the other people to allow them to continue practicing their unhealthy behavior with me time and time again. I see now that I can set a limit with other people simply by putting up some protection around myself! I don't have to go to someone and confront their behavior everytime. Often I can just observe their behavior and establish a boundary around ME. This actually speaks volumes to other people. Thank God for moments of clarity.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=maya%20angelou&order=9&offset=48#/d1immuq

Blueberries and Caviar: The Thrill-Seeker's Life

Some of us want to live life amped up 24/7. We want excitement, thrills, and drama each moment of the day. When this is not to be found, we can create some chaos and crazy to keep things interesting. There are people who know little else than the chaotic life and, unfortunately, it was hard-wired in them since childhood. When children or even adults live a life of emotional intensity for prolonged periods of time, then the internal thermostat for emotions is set to "high." For this person to feel balanced and regulated, he/she needs high levels of emotional activity. I've seen this to be true particularly for children who grew up in fear within their homes, either due to long-term abuse, neglect, or domestic violence. I've also seen adults who were carted from one wild activity to another as children with very little time ever given to silence or solitude. They have now become adults who must always be DOING and WITH PEOPLE and are teaching their children the same.

The thrill-seeker lives life much like someone who wants to eat caviar every meal every day. It takes a lot of money, time, and effort to acquire and sustain the caviar life for long periods of time. Not to mention, a daily diet of caviar is hardly good for the body. Man cannot live on caviar alone. A healthy body requires a varied diet, which often includes simple, accessible foods that richly nourish the body. Blueberries are one of the healthiest foods we can eat, full of antioxidants that ward off the bad guys roaming around within our bodies. One blueberry on the tongue is a delight, yet such a simple food. It's easy to forget the joy of simple things, such as a blueberry freshly plucked, a tomato right off the vine. Taking a bite is a spiritual experience as the rich juices fill your mouth, and your body celebrates at all the good being fed.

Thrill seekers, you want caviar every meal, but what you are missing is the thrill of the more simple day-to-day goodness of blueberries! There is soul food to be found in the quiet of washing your dishes, eating with family at the dinner table, or taking a hot shower. If you quiet yourself from the inside and settle into the simple moments, you will feel fed. You will feel nourished. You will bring balance to the emotional life.

Photo above found at:
http://rscorp.deviantart.com/art/summer-blueberries-44593196

Clean Your Side of the Street

I woke up this morning thinking on this and knowing-- it's time. I've put this off for nearly an entire month now but my Higher Power is no longer interested in excuses, it's time for honesty. It is time to clean my side of the street. For the past few years I have developed the ritual of using the New Year as a time to do some inner housekeeping. It is my time to look back on the previous year and take an inventory of my contributions both good and bad to the disasters and successes of that year. I have learned it is especially important for me to find my part in the areas where I was hurt by others.

As readers of my blog know, my Higher Power is God, and I find lots of simple and valuable instruction in the Bible to help me with this process. Psalm 51, verses 1-3 say, "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." For all other recovering Baptists, Methodists, or Catholics who feel an inner wall of defense rise at any Bible verse with the word SIN, allow me the space to translate into palatable terms. What this verse is saying to me: "God, I am willing to get honest and KNOW my mistakes. Here they are for you. It's been littering my side of the street and the job of cleaning it is just too much for me! I've been told you make this powerful cleaning solution that takes out any stain and that you've done some great work on other street corners, so would you mind stopping by today for a little cleaning session with me? Thanks!"

It is really that simple! Well, not really. The easy part is that God does the cleaning, the hard part is getting honest about each and every piece of junk lying out there on my sidewalk. This is my springboard for honesty and please do not be alarmed if this seems a bit much for the Honesty Beginners. I think of the instances when I was most hurt and angered by other people in the last year. Generally, I have already listed a lengthy and detailed inventory of every piece of garbage on THEIR side of the street. Now I take an honest look at my own part in that situation. How did I contribute? How might I have been particularly vulnerable to that type of situation happening to me? Did I make it worse? Was I quick to judge and slow to offer solution or personal change? Do I harbor resentment for what he/she did? Did I retaliate and make things worse? How did I enable that person to continue that kind of behavior toward me? How is my failing to take responsibiliy maintaining an unhealthy pattern? Ouch, ouch, and ouch.

There are several reasons why this arduous process is necessary. First of all, completing this makes me happy. Psalm 51 goes on to say, "wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice." Having a clean conscience feels so good. Secondly, cleaning my side of the street renews my energy to begin other important tasks, "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

"THEN I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you," explains Psalm 51:13. Translation: "after you get honest about yourself and ask God to clean you up, you will become a happy, peaceable person. You will become productive and willing to participate daily in honesty." When you live this way, other people in your life almost have no choice but to change with you. They are not put on the defensive by your assaults or criticisms, because you are keeping the focus on yourself. They see you happy and productive and begin to want that for themselves.

For anyone trying to figure out a way to bypass this process, let me save you some time, you just can't do it. Trust me, if anybody could have solved her own problems on her own with the right books, the right friends, and taking the class-- it would have been me. Your Higher Power alone is able to do for you what you cannot do for yourself and that is heal you of your own weaknesses. "You do not delight in sacrfice, or I would bring it: you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:16,17

So, I have a little time set aside today to go through the junk on my street. I am prepared that it is probably even worse than it looks from up here in my ivory tower, but I am not overwhelmed. I have a Higher Power who has been just waiting for the day when I would ask for some help in cleaning this. I've been told He has some great plans for what we can do with my little street corner.

Photo found here: http://thanhdad.deviantart.com/art/There-are-the-roads-50660601

PMS

Let me preface this article by asking all my male readers to bear with me here. I absolutely believe this read will be well worth your time and encourage you to continue despite the title! I will, however, give you the upfront warning that I disclose a small bit of personal information in this article so please stop here if you feel this is too much for you to hear. Ok, let us commence this exciting topic...

I have been reading a new book, Women Who Run with the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. For those of you who know me, you are probably shocked that I have never read this book before, but it is true, I have not. I'll be honest, at times it feels a little hokey to me, and sometimes I have to go back and re-read something and re-analyze, process. The stories from the book are grounded in Eastern philosophies, archetypal tales, and Native American religion. Being a recovering Baptist, I am very wary of this and I think that is part of what is slowing me down. I have tons of rigid dogmatic remnants from my Baptist years-- no offense to any of you wonderful Baptist people out there (including much of my own family). I am fully grounded, however, in Jesus Christ. He has just done too much for me and proven Himself a Higher Power in my life. For me, Jesus is not relegated to just another wise prophet or a man with some helpful stories to guide me through the day. No, for me, He is the one and only true Son of God, no less. All other spiritual teaching that comes through my mind has to first go through this and what remains after the filtration can be kept. So, the reading of this book has been a bit arduous as there is so much to filter.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The connection between our personal psychology and our personal spirituality is so delicately intertwined in this complicated webbing, that I want to closely examine my psychology because of how it affects my spirituality. One of the wonderful things I have taken away from this book is her discussion about menstrual cycles. She points out that the veil between the unconscious and the conscious mind thins while a woman is menstruating. During this part of her cycle, all those unconscious feelings and beliefs bob closely to the surface of the conscious mind. This can be overwhelming and a very emotional time for us ladies. I really find this to be true and have sensed this happening with me for awhile now.

I was particularly aware of this process this month as I am just coming off my period. Experiencing those emotional 7-10 days was much different for me this month, much more bearable. I found myself with a new reverence for my own sadness and anger this month. Those feelings are not just random by-products of hormone explosions in my body. They are true parts of my very own subconscious mind. They are real and valuable, most importantly, these feelings are not random-- they are meaningful. So, this month I let them come rather than try to fight or suppress as I would normally do. I connected them to their true sources as best as possible. I listened to my anger which quickly dissolved into an intense sadness and fragility. I cried a lot this past week and it felt good. I grieved a lot and it really hurt and it really felt good.

My "PMS" was actually productive for a change. Now that I have experienced this, it makes me angry that I have been denied this wonderful experience of my own monthly cycle for years. I have been told by my culture to shut up, get over it, take a pill, you just have PMS. When in reality I am having my very own valid and honest emotions that MUST be felt and heard, not shushed. It is no wonder to me now that women in the Western culture report more intense premenstrual symptoms than most any other culture in the world. We are shamed for a part of our cycle that we cannot stop and that in reality is a monthly gift rather than "the curse."

I have to believe that as I experience this once a month emotional cleansing that a lot of junk is going to be tossed out from my piled up unconscious mind. The hope is that, in time, these feelings may become less intense, as I allow myself this cyclical gift. I believe it is possible we Western women can begin to experience our menstrual cycles more similarly to women of Eastern cultures. This is exciting to me. As painful as some of the emotions were that I have had to feel this past week, it is no less painful than the harmful repercussions I face from my own behavior when I act out these invalid and repressed feelings. Hooray for me and hooray for my period! :-)

Hello Guilt, Good-bye Shame

I was thinking today about that horrible feeling-- guilt. For some of us, we avoid guilt at all costs because tied to it is the even worse-- shame. Guilt tells me, You've made a mistake. Let's see what we can do to fix this. Shame tells me, YOU ARE A MISTAKE. FORGET IT. It's kind of like a family member coming to visit (in this case, guilt) and she wants to bring her wild and dirty dog inside with her (shame).

I realize now that I can let guilt come inside for a visit. In fact, it's good that I let guilt in for a cup of tea. When I shut it out, guilt begins to sulk, blocks the doorway, and prohibits all my other friends from entering, including joy and creativity. I can allow guilt to come inside and listen to what he has to say, AND I can let guilt know at the threshold of the door, You can come in, but you've got to leave your mangy pet outside.

Today I happily invited guilt to come sit a spell with me. He told me about some things I've done, some rational, some not. I smiled, thanked him for his insightful input and said good-bye. Immediately upon ushering guilt to the door with a thank you and open invitation for another visit, I noticed a long lost friend coming down the road-- serenity.

Get to the inside?

Good morning World. I have finally taken the plunge into the blogosphere. I fill countless journals every year and recently began thinking, "I could publish this stuff!" I started thinking about what I would most like to accomplish with a blog and the phrase that keeps coming back to me is going inside... get to the inside. I believe we spend much of our lives living on the surface, looking at the surface, when there is more to be found down beneath. Behind every person, every moment, every breath, there is the unseen layer. If we can just get to the inside, there is another level of living there for us! I hope this thought evolves along with my blog, as I'm sure right now I just sound like a total quack. Actually, that's not too far from the truth, nonetheless, I'm a well-educated and introspective quack, which makes for good entertainment. So, stick around.