The Power of Words

Hello, blogger friends!  The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerted.  I am still alive and kicking.  Lots happening in my world.  I've been in novel-editing hell, working like a fiend on my two jobs, and caring for my two special needs babies.  Despite the busy-ness of life, I'm happy and well. 

I realize now how my 7 month break has actually provided an opportunity for writing fodder.  Lots of juicy insights have come over the last several months, so I hope to find the time to put some of those in writing here.  What I really want to sort through today is this idea I've been tossing around about our words.  It seems cliche to talk about the power of our words, and yet this truth is so simple and... well, powerful.  I am a woman of many words.  I talk alot.  I talk so much that sometimes I can't remember what I said or who to whom I said it.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does present a potential pit, particularly when you want every word you speak to carry its own responsible weight. 

I'm learning that our words fall into two main camps-- labeling v. judging.  The labeling camp of words are used to describe, observe, and give shape to.  The judging camp of words are meant to attach a value-laden meaning to an observation or description.  For example, if my husband hasn't put away the laundry, the judging camp of words might say, "You never help me around here!  You are so lazy."  The labeling camp would say, "I notice the laundry basket is still sitting here.  Would you mind putting those away today?"  This may seem like no big deal to some of you, but to me this is Life.  Changing.

I am a judger from way back, Honey.  I should have been a tax auditor or an editor.  If there is anything wrong with you or something you've done, I can find it in a hot minute.  I also have the ability to turn these super-powered judging lenses inward on myself.  I can and will find the faults within me then make a slew of shame-inducing negative comments toward myself.  What I'm learning is to slow down and listen before speaking to others or judging myself.  What a concept!  I listen for how the other person seems to feel and what it is they seem to be saying about what they need.  This is particularly difficult to do if the other person is actually trying to place their own anger, sadness, guilt, etc. on me, but it can be done.  Another example, a co-worker huffs into my office and with a tone says, "your report is still not done, and I can't finish up my final report until you do your job."  My first reaction is to not really hear this person but to fire back with an equally angry-toned remark.  However, if I pause and try to connect with what the co-worker is feeling, hear what she needs, and choose not to take anything personal from her comment, I will hear that she sounds stressed.  It seems like she's also saying that having her work done on time is important to her.  If I just hear those things and respond from that, she and I are much more likely to have a pleasant ending to this conversation.

Some folks call this "non-violent communication."  I like that, because it highlights the fact that communicating any other way is likely to feel "violent."  There are some wonderful booklets and websites about this as well, describing this as giraffe v. jackal language.  The giraffe seeks to connect, while the jackal seeks to attack.  Here's an article that says it much better than I can:  http://www.thedutchphdcoach.com/process/learn-to-speak-giraffe/ .  I'll even go so far as to attach a value-laden label to the article and say it's awesome! 

I'm learning that when I am purposeful and thoughtful when choosing my words, I am left feeling clear-headed about myself and the situation.  Connecting, sorting through, and giving objective observations feels kind and gentle, both to myself and others.  All we really want is to build up others and ourselves, and it feels good to know that I can do the bulk of that work by carefully choosing my own words.  Now that is powerful.

The photo above can be found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=powerful+words#/art/The-power-of-words-260509218?_sid=299626b4

Move Over!

One of the therapists I supervise has come up with a phrase that I've stolen and use on the regular-- stay in your own lane.  She tells me that she has the tendency to "get out of her lane" when it comes to work with clients in therapy, but what about those of us who tend to get out of our lane in everyday life?  And what do you do when someone continually swerves over into your lane? 

Staying in my lane means I mind my own business.  This is really hard.  Sometimes just by silently judging someone else, I have just exited my lane and veered into the other person's.  When I begin analyzing, critiquing, and comparing someone else's behavior to my own, this can lead to some self toxicity.  When I stay in my own lane, I try to keep my mind off what you are doing-- unless, of course, you are drifting into my lane.  Then I will need to kindly tell you to return to your own lane.

Sometimes I drift out of my lane by "helping" someone.  You know that subtle kind of controlling help that some of us might sometimes offer?  I find myself doing that with my children or maybe a supervisee.  It's generally someone who I fear is going to really flub up and then I'll be left cleaning the mess.  Staying in my own lane means remaining focused on me and my responsibilities.  I may offer friendly advice or a suggestion.  If that is ignored and a mess ensues... oops, that's in your lane.  Guess you'll have to clean that up.

For me, I tend to get out of my lane when I worry what someone else is thinking about me.  This one is a real struggle for me.  If you are over in your lane thinking something nasty and harsh about me, it's really none of my business.  Who looks crazier-- the person silently judging me or me when I'm swerving all over the road trying to figure out what the person in the other lane is thinking about me?  Yeah, I won't answer that one.

Okay, and my number one lane buster-- trying to do God's job for him.  Oh, yes, my friend, I do it.  I do this when I complain about how an uncontrollable situation turned out.  I am essentially asking God, "Was that the best you could come up with?"  Just the other day I was complaining to my Mom about how a particular situation ended up.  I embarked on a passion-filled speech, listing the injustices that were being done, whining about the discomfort I'm being subjected to, and on and on and on.  God later brought to my mind a time when my own precious daughter sat at the kitchen table on her birthday.  I had just spent the day rearranging my entire schedule so I could pick up her special order birthday cake, run around town finding exactly what she wanted, wrap gifts, and plan the evening's dinner.  Our family finally sat down for birthday cake later that evening and as my exhausted hand lifted the bite of cake to my mouth, my daughter asked, "Is this all I get?"  God reminded me that this is exactly what I look like to Him when I am complaining about the one thing I didn't get, forgetting all the tremendous behind-the-scenes work He does for me daily just to keep me comfortable.  So sorry, God, gonna try to do better about staying in my lane on this one!

Okay, and if you swerve over into my lane, I'll ask you nicely the first time to get back where you belong.  Should you continue to violate my lane, don't be angry with me when the conversation we're having has to change.  At first, the conversation was, "Could you get back in your lane please?  Thanks."  Repeated offenses changes the conversation to this, "I've asked that you please stay in your lane.  It's really uncomfortable and dangerous for me to take care of my responsibilities over here with you in the way.  I'm going to need you to get back into your lane, and if you can't do that, I'll have to call the police next time.  Thanks!"  I then drive away and leave that person alone in his or her lane to take responsibility for whatever feelings that might have aroused in them.  That's just courteous, right? 

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?order=9&q=highway+lanes&offset=24#/d2daos8

A Lesson from Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." When I first heard this, I just paused. I wasn't sure if I believed that and something about it didn't feel right. My first thought was, "What about all the times that I've unintentionally hurt others and they continued to support me and give me another chance? I thank God for those people!" I want to be a merciful and patient person. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best. I don't want to believe something about a person because of one behavior. I also want to be smarter about good self-care and not routinely become someone else's doormat! Surely there has got to be a good balance in there somewhere.

Every now and again I will have a brief moment of clarity on a tough issue. My understanding of a problem or its solution will show its face like an image emerging in a cloudy crystal ball, then it's gone again. But for that one moment I felt a knowing. This is how many of us gain a new insight or how some of us move into acceptance of an issue as opposed to just being aware of it. I realized this week the truth of Maya Angelou's statement. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Take note of the behavior that was just displayed and adjust yourself within that relationship. This does not mean I have to stop believing in the good in the person. This does not mean that I give up on this person. It doesn't mean I become unkind or unforgiving toward them. What it does mean is that I can practice healthy and loving safeguards within that relationship so that I do not have to be hurt in the same way again by this same person! It does mean that I should take note of the other person's behavior and know they are capable of it again. It is good to believe the truth of another person's behavior. I can be respectful to the other person while also believing and knowing their potential for hurtful behavior.

It feels right to be given permission to trust my instincts. When someone shows me unhealthy behavior, my instinct is self-preservation and that is OK. It is not selfish. This is a loving act toward myself. I can love myself without being cruel to other people. In fact, it's really not very loving to the other people to allow them to continue practicing their unhealthy behavior with me time and time again. I see now that I can set a limit with other people simply by putting up some protection around myself! I don't have to go to someone and confront their behavior everytime. Often I can just observe their behavior and establish a boundary around ME. This actually speaks volumes to other people. Thank God for moments of clarity.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=maya%20angelou&order=9&offset=48#/d1immuq

Follow Me

Why is it that during times of stress that old codependent patterns try to rear their ugly heads? I suppose that our good reasoning gets compromised during times of chronic stress, which leaves us vulnerable to the temptation of codependent patterns. These patterns typically consist of taking the focus off of ourselves and becoming overly focused on what someone else is doing or not doing. It could also include the ceasing of self-care in order to take on more work (which we think is going to make someone else happy) or more worry (because we think we can just solve this problem if we try harder). CODEPENDENT PATTERNS. I can at least say that I more quickly recognize that familiar feeling of "my life has become unmanageable." On the path of recovery I have learned that my own chaotic mind, chaotic relationships, chaotic work, etc. is almost always a result of my attempts to control someone else. When I spend excessive amounts of time doing that, my own personal responsibilities get neglected and, thus, my life becomes unmanageable.

I probably sound like I'm talking from experience because I am REALLY talking from experience! In one of my codependent relapses last week, I got a new understanding about something. I was wondering how in the world Jesus managed a team of 12 disciples? I have a staff of eight at my job, and I sometimes feel as if I'm going to pull my hair out. I know Jesus had moments of frustration with His disciples as well. I am in no way suggesting that I am anything like Jesus or that my work mission reaches anywhere near Jesus's mission while He was on earth. I just thought, if you want to know anything at all about how to be a more effective leader, why don't you see how Jesus did it? The first and most important thing that struck me was how Jesus built his team of disciples. He went through various cities approached various men and said, "Follow me." They either followed or they gave him a sideways glance and mumbled under their breath, "Yeah, sure dude," then went back to their work. I also saw that there were people who came to Jesus and asked how to be a disciple or how to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He gave them a very direct and plain answer and many of them said something like, "Oh, wow, I didn't know it would require all that. OK, never mind." Then they left never to be heard from again. Jesus didn't get all emotional about it and chase after them saying, "It's really not that bad! You can do it! I'll help you, really, it'll be OK!" Either way, Jesus didn't beg people to do anything. He didn't threaten them. He didn't interview His disciples then choose who He thought would be the best candidates. He didn't try to convince people with long speeches backed up by the latest research stats or manipulate them through an emotional dissertation.

I've done all of the above and probably done all of the above just in the last few weeks. It's exhausting! I would now like to adopt the Follow Me approach. This approach involves saying simply and directly to someone what you would like for them to do, then you walk away and don't stress it. They will either do it or they will blow you off. When people comply with your requests with this type of approach, then you have a real keeper on your hands. There are actually many people who will just do what you ask, because they love you or respect you. We rarely make it to deeper more intimate relationships with these kinds of people, because we're wasting our time cajoling and pleading with the other type of person who really does NOT want to follow.

The second step of the Follow Me approach is in regard to those who do not follow. This approach requires that I do not chase after those who do not respond to a simple request and I do not block the consequences of their not following. I stand back and allow the chips to fall. If someone does not want to follow or comply with what I've asked, then I am no longer responsible for what happens to them after that. I've got to move on. When you live your life this way, you find yourself surrounded by a committed group of people who do not need to be routinely prodded and manipulated. What Jesus wanted from his disciples more than anything else was willingness. What better way to quickly identify that trait than to offer a simple request, "Follow me," then leave it in their hands.

So I'm moving forward now. Getting up out of the codependent ditch, dusting off and strapping on some Jesus sandals-- FOLLOW ME!

Photos above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=follow+the+leader#/d2oz6sf
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=follow%20the%20leader&order=9&offset=48#/d2tgndi

Miss Smarty Pants

When I was around 9 years old, my parents divorced. As an adult I can see how this divorce was inevitable and necessary. Children, however, do not have adult logic and coping skills. Children believe things that are not true and sometimes believe things that are downright magical or fanciful. Children also tend to believe that the world revolves around them, thus other people's choices must be because of something the child has done. My child reasoning came up with the bright idea that my Dad left because I was not special in any way. Some children might have blamed themselves in various other ways, telling themselves, "I'm not a good girl, so Dad left," or "I argued with Dad last week, so he left," etc., etc. For me, I just felt PLAIN and therefore unlovable. I remember when school let out that spring, at the completion of fourth grade, I made the decision that one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty smart. I didn't consider myself particularly pretty, social, or talented in any way, but darn it, I could learn anything! So, I resolved to become the SMARTEST and this is what would make me special. My parents had ordered a set of encyclopedia books for me, and that summer I set out to begin reading and committing to memory the entire set. Oh, Dear...

Thus began my lifelong agenda of becoming a real know-it-all. In retrospect, I know I was a pretty smart kid, but so were alot of my friends. There was nothing really all that special about my good grades, but I had convinced myself it was the one thing that kept me special and therefore forever safe from abandonment.

The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is because I am realizng this is the wound that is being triggered by Mr. A, referenced in my last post. As the universe would have it, I have been put into a relationship with another know-it-all just like me. Great! (insert sarcasm here) There is only room for one know-it-all per office, home, or school, etc. When two know-it-alls disagree, uh-oh, someone has to back off and admit, I don't know everything, you do. That is just not happening! It's really almost laughable but the wound is very real, because here is the problem: if you take away my smart status, then my wound says you just took away the one thing that makes me special, and now I am vulnerable to abandonment.

I am very grateful to have this wound and the lie of it exposed. I am actually becoming grateful for every instance when Mr. A tells me something I already know and I'm tempted to say, "Yes, I already know that." When I walk away from this triggering instance, I have truth on my side, and the truth can be applied like a healing balm. These are the sweet and wonderful truths that I know:
1. I am not the smartest person around, nor do I need to be. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise!
2. I am special and unique regardless of my IQ or book smarts. There is no one else on this planet exactly like me.
3. I can never be abandoned ever again, because I am an adult now. Adults can't be abandoned, because adults are self-sufficient (in the survival sense). Only children can truly be abandoned.
4. I am powerless over other people and trying to control other people only makes my own life unmanageable. I have a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity and daily meet my needs, as long as I daily turn the care of myself over to Him.

I share this personal story with great humility and with the hope that someone reads a part of themselves here. May the truth set us free!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=girl%20reading&order=9&offset=24#/d1e50b5

Midwife to Tears

As a therapist, you know it's been a good week of productive therapy when you've gone through an entire box of Kleenex in your office. This is not to say that tears alone produce healing or progress, but I know that tears sometimes will break down barriers. I have many clients that all began treatment with me around March of this year and all of them are reaching a similar place in treatment right now-- hitting the core. It's been emotionally draining for me to help them contain the heaviness of what we are reaching. It never fails to amaze me, though, watching the human spirit heal itself. I am in awe each time it happens, kind of like the miracle of watching a child being born. It's really beautiful to watch someone travail in pain, produce a nugget of truth, work through it, and emerge someone whole. I love my job!

I wonder-- what is it about tears? I have seen some people whose tears seem to be meaningless. They cry over most anything, all the time, to no benefit. The tears have come to mean nothing and produce nothing. It's like they are stuck in grief and crying. That's a very sad place to be. More often, however, particularly with children, I find those people who refuse to cry. I can't tell you the number of people I have met in therapy who tell me crying is for wussies, both girls and boys alike. It's unfortunate that somewhere in their lives they have been given this message. It really requires great strength to let yourself cry. You have to have the confidence of knowing you can contain yourself within the grief. Crying is a release and, thus, a trusting that as you let this part of yourself go, there will still be a self standing once the tears stop. For most of us who have this innate understanding of tears, that they come and they go, we are able to allow them to work for us as needed. Imagine what it's like for those who never get that release and how terrifying it must be to believe you cannot cry for fear of losing yourself.

This week I've had the wonderful opportunity to play midwife to the tears of children. It's been such an honor to sit by them and coach the tears that have been welling for years. We have sat together in the quiet while tears crowned and spilled. I am so proud of these little people who finally felt brave enough to let that part of themselves go. They have learned crying is not weak. From a place of true strength, they have allowed the tears to do their own work. No one has been lost this week, but with the help of a box of Kleenex, lots of people were found. :-)

Photo above found at:
http://gemini-soul.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2gav1c

Gimme a C! Codependent!

Codependent is a term that confuses many people. Some people believe they know what it means, but really do not have a full understanding of the codependent role. The word codependent has such a negative connotation, too. I mean, who really wants to willingly identify themselves as codependent? Most of us get there only after years of codependent behavior that has made our lives a wreck, and we acknowledge ourselves as codependent. By this time, we would almost graciously accept the label of Boo Boo the Fool just to get some relief! I'm hoping to shed some light on what exactly IS a codependent?

A cheerleading team has a captain and a co-captain. The co-captain is there to assist the captain with tasks that the captain cannot handle alone. The co-captain is the leader in situations where the captain is unable to perform his/her managerial duties for the team. I have never heard of someone say, "Oh, I want to be co-captain of my cheerleading squad!" The co-captain is generally someone who wanted to be captain, and didn't have the seniority, skills, clout, whatever, to be captain. It's somewhat the same with a CO-dependent. The co-dependent is there to assist the addict with tasks that the addict cannot handle alone, as a result of their addiction. The co-dependent has to step up and lead when the addict is unable to perform his/her duties, as a result of their addiction. No one ever says they want to grow up and be an addict, and no one ESPECIALLY says they want to grow up to be a CODEPENDENT!

We become co-dependents by default, that is, when we grow up in an unpredictable, scary, and/or chaotic environment, one where we have no developmentally appropriate level of control. Often these are environments where one or both parents/caregivers are addicts or codependent themselves. Children in these homes cannot predict from day to day what punishments might be, whether parents will be happy or raging, what might make a parent happy, if Dad or Mom will be high, or if anyone will be home to cook dinner. When we cannot be captain and have some measure of control, we are defaulted to codependent.

Let me preface by saying, there are NO perfect parents. We need only be good enough. Children need safety, unconditional warmth, someone who nurtures development of unique skills and traits, a caregiver who provides predictable structure and routine, and someone who listens/validates the child. When one or more of these are consistently not met, the child fails to develop emotionally. The body grows, but there is not a person in there!

The foundational definition of codependency is lack of self or lack of a relationship with self. Codependents are addicted to addicts, taking care of addicts, being angry at addicts, taking out revenge on addicts, getting abused by addicts, leaving addicts and finding new addicts. Codependents can even act out this addiction with other codependents, just to make things clear as mud here. Because no core identity really exists (apart from SHAME perhaps),codependents need the mirroring approval, acceptance, and needs of other people to give themselves a face or identity. Addicts love codependents because the codependent morphs into whatever being the addict requires him/her to be. If the addict needs money, the codependent can provide that. If the addict needs you to love him/her and not ever mention the addiction, codependents can do that. If the addict needs someone to defend and justify their behavior, codependents will do it! Codependents are blank slates upon which addicts can write out the person they need.

Codependents are as variant as the many ethnicities of the human race itself. They do not all look nor behave exactly the same. Some are bitter, unlovable people. Some are successful in their work (probably in a caretaking career, such as nursing or social work!), yet burn out or have multiple boundary and ethical violations on the job and are forced to do something else. Being a codependent is very hard and exhausting work. This is why in addition to the magical morphing trick they do, nearly all codependents beg for help from others with all the caretaking they do. If they are too proud to ask for help with the caretaking, they may play the martyr, do it ALL completely alone (without complaint, mind you) and wind up physically ill, mentally ill, or dead.

The life of a codependent is a tiring one and full of stress and misery, but there is hope! Codependents can heal and get well. They can overcome past wounds, develop a relationship with self, and soon the addict magnet stops working. I feel I've rambled on quite a bit for tonight, so maybe we'll get to that in another post! So, I guess the moral of this story is-- if you're not nominated as captain, then politely decline the co-captain position and just enjoy the away games and the pep rallies!

Photo above found at:
http://wesleykhall.deviantart.com/art/You-Go-here-31600741

What in the Hell Are You Thinking?!

Really... I mean, really... come one... you're joking... you're kidding me, right? Surely to all goodness, you are not going back to that worthless loser? You are NOT going to move your entire family into your mother's house! You're getting married... again?! To an alcoholic?! WHY are you having a baby with someone you just wanted to divorce last month!!!

These are situations I face every day, not just as a professional in the field of counseling, but as a professional human. We all have friends, family, or acquaintances that make us ask-- "What the hell are you thinking?!" To speak the truth or to not speak the truth, this is the dilemma. This is a dicey and tricky dilemma and one I delve into with great consideration.

First of all, I think you have to consider the nature of your relationship with the person in question. If this is a co-worker or a not-so-close acquaintance, you should probably keep your mouth shut. Most people are really not all that interested in honest feedback, even those people who go to a therapist and pay money for honest feedback. It is really hard to hear the truth about ourselves sometimes. It is painful and we want to avoid pain and discomfort. Even if this co-worker or not-so-close acquaintance asks you for your opinion, if the situation involves any of the delicate matters referenced in the first paragraph-- really, don't give your opinion. I have found that a response like this works well, "Wow, you are really dealing with a tough situation here. It looks like you're just doing the best that you can right now. I really hope this works out for you." This is an honest statement and keeps you out of it.

If the person in question is a very close friend or dear family member, then there may be reason to share honest feedback. If your closest friends cannot tell you the truth, then who else do you have? Before divulging rigorous truth to even a close friend, ask yourself these questions: Will my honest feedback actually help my friend/family member in this situation? Are other people telling them this same information? If so, how are they receiving it thus far? How can I give this feedback AND insure my friend/family member I love and care for them? Could the consequences of my NOT sharing my opinion create harm to myself or other people? Will my NOT sharing my opinion hinder my relationship with this person or affect the way I feel about myself?

Since we are talking opinions here, it is MY opinion that we should only be completely and bluntly honest with others when we feel the information is vital to the person's health/well-being, the person is at least somewhat likely to receive it, and/or we cannot maintain our own integrity if we say nothing. There have been times when I have been confronted or given honest feedback and initially did not receive it very well. After a few days or weeks of allowing the information to sink in, I began to realize the truth in it and own it as my own truth. I was later able to thank the person for having the courage to be so honest with me.

So, when are the times to just remain silent? Perhaps you have already shared your honest opinion multiple times and it is not being heard. Perhaps others have also confronted or asked the person in question, "What the hell are you thinking?!" If this person continues on their own path toward destruction despite the repeated warnings and offered assistance from others, you just have to let go. You have the right to limit your relationship with the person (if the friend/family member's behavior is affecting you). There are also those people who are strong-willed and just need to experience mistakes... again and again... before they finally get it. Those are tough people to love, especially if they are your children, for example! Sometimes we remain silent because we love the other person enough to let them have their own mistakes. We care enough to let them walk through their own process of change and see the mistakes for themselves. This is so hard to do.

So, the next time you have one of these "What the hell are you thinking?!" kind of moments, pause before posing this question. It's a loaded one and can bring with it big consequences.

Above picture found at:
http://charolett.deviantart.com/art/Technical-Difficulties-100970743