To Every Thing There Is a Season

We have had a rough winter here in the Nashville area with a record number of snow days. In fact, many schools in this area have gone over their designated number of snow days, requiring students to extend their school year. Our first snow occurred in December, which is unheard of, and the wintry precipitation did not stop until into February. We're pretty spoiled in this area with the warm weather. It tends to stay fairly mild here throughout the year. It's not unheard of to have little to no snow at all in the winter. So, for us to get really SICK of snow tells you that it was a lot. Despite the harsh winter and all the previous years of bitter cold, I can say I have never had a therapy client come into my office complaining of despair due to snow, ice, or cold. Yes, sometimes we may feel our mood negatively and temporarily affected on a gray day, but I'm saying I have never seen anyone go into despair over bad weather. Why is that? Why did we Nashvillians not begin to wail and moan in utter hopelessness over the extremely cold and harsh winter we suffered? Because we know it ends! Winter always ends and spring always comes! It is inevitable. We've seen it happen year after year-- the sunshine emerges and the snow melts. Like clockwork spring always comes.

In Ecclesiastes we are told that to EVERYTHING there is a season. This means there is a season for depression, anger, grief, loneliness, and a host of other painful experiences. These things have their season then they end. They always end because we are promised they will end. They are confined to a season. I know that I begin to experience despair and hopelessness in the midst of a painful experience, when I convince myself that "this will never end! I cannot handle it any longer and it will never end!" I don't despair over winter, so why should I despair over other unpleasant experiences? This too shall pass.

Ecclesiastes 3

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=seasons#/djz251

Therapy? For Me?

There are many commonly held misconceptions about therapy that I'd really like to de-bunk, but I'm going to focus on the top 4 I hear most often. Put on your big girl panties and your big boy undies, if you plan to proceed:-)

1. Therapy is only for crazy people: This has to be THE most common misconception/untruth about therapy and is most often spoken by someone who really needs therapy. First of all, what do you mean by crazy? Aren't we all just a little crazy? There is no shame in going to a therapist for help or support. If you had a disease like diabetes, you would take your medication and go to your doctor appointments without shame. Similarly, if you have experienced unforeseen events in life that have crippled you emotionally, it is good to seek the help of a therapist. It is good to take care of yourself and be seen by a professional who is trained and experienced in walking people through their hard times. Many people are blessed with genetics that predispose them to mood disorders. Then life comes along and brings out the symptoms. We go to therapy because we cannot overcome and deal with much of our emotional baggage all on our own. A good therapist is mindful of the interplay happening between the two of you and is aware that it is this interplay that is essential in you getting better! Relationship is key to healing! I personally believe therapy is especially important if you are a therapist yourself. My mind and my psyche are my primary work tools and I want them to be clear and healthy. Otherwise, I'm bringing my own dysfunctional patterns, beliefs, and feelings into the therapy relationship and acting it out with my clients-- not good. And, yes, you are doing that if you are a therapist. You are human after all, not perfect! Remember, I did warn you to put on your big girl and big boy undies. :-)

2. I don't need therapy, I just take medicine for that: I hear so many people say this. There are many wonderful medications designed to treat mental illness. I am very glad for this. In fact, I hope and pray for even more effective medications to come on the market all the time. We are in need of medications to treat biochemical imbalances that can lead to depression, psychosis, and anxiety. I also see many clients for whom the medications are absolutely an essential part of their treatment, and I know they would experience severe regression without the meds. BUT (and you knew the BUT was coming) medication ONLY is nothing more than a good start for most people. It's highly unlikely that you are going to find a medication that is going to cure it all. I see clients who find a good medication that stops their anxiety attacks all together-- GREAT! These clients feel they are better now and no longer in need of therapy. They then go on to experience one dysfunctional relationship after another, spend themselves into great debt again and again, have constant conflict with co-workers or family, etc., etc. In my own experience as a therapist, I have never seen a client who experienced anxiety in a vacuum. This is to say, they are experiencing crippling anxiety for no apparent reason, with no history of trauma, or family dysfunction that hard-wired their brain to respond in this way. I am not saying these types of people don't exist. I'm just saying that in 10 years of doing therapy, I've personally never seen it! It is possible to live without potentially addictive medications and learn to manage anxiety. Let your medication serve as a springboard that allows you to participate in therapy at an even deeper level. Remain open to the fact that there are characterological and interpersonal issues impacting your life that medication will never resolve. If you're waiting on the right medicine to come along that will finally make you feel better, you might be waiting for a long time. Medication combined with talk therapy will get you there!

3. A good therapist will be able to fix me: Many people come to therapy believing that I hold the solutions to their problems. They believe I will give them a magical answer and POOF, things will be great. They are often sorely disappointed when I have to tell them, "Sorry, my magic wand is in the shop." Certainly, there are people who need information. There are many clients who need to know more about their diagnosis. They may need to know more about the common effects of childhood sexual abuse or being the child of an alcoholic parent. This information alone can be very healing and give a person direction in how they think about themselves and the world. There are times too, when a client simply needs guidance and it is good for a therapist to provide it. Most of the time, however, my role is NOT to sit with you for an hour telling what you what you should be doing if you want to feel better. If you have a therapist who does that with you, how good does that feel? I want to encourage clients to explore themselves, dig deep inside the stuff of themselves. Together we sort through the trash, how did the trash get there, what can we do with it, what part am I playing in all the drama that goes on in my life? Good therapy also means working patiently through the ups and downs of the therapeutic relationship. Therapy means for many people that they experience warmth and a non-judgmental attitude from another person, maybe for the first time in their lives. That goes a lot farther than a therapeutic lecture. Therapy is a process of you learning about yourself, being courageous and honest about yourself, and actively working toward change.

4. I don't have time for therapy: Honey, you don't have the time to skip it. For people who are experiencing extreme stress, anxiety, chronic conflict with others, depression, addictions, and various other dysfunctional patterns, you cannot afford to continue another day without gaining some therapeutic insight. Each day that you continue on in your life engaging in the same dysfunctional patterns, experiencing the same negative and unhelpful thoughts, going deeper into dangerous depression and addiction, you make it much harder to ever extract yourself from it. You're also very likely creating further damage within your relationships that will have to be addressed and healed later as well as re-creating dysfunctional patterns in your life that you are probably unaware you are even re-creating. Good therapy cannot be postponed. It is too essential to put off until you have more time, because life will catch up with you eventually. When life and our own brokenness forces us into therapy... well, that's just no fun. Make the time now.

Rant ended. :-)

Keep Your Head Up

Some truths are so simple and so widely shared that they've just become trite. It's easy for me to tell someone in deep pain, "Keep your head up!" I'll be very honest, one supposedly "encouraging" phrase that I hate to have given to me during a difficult time is, "God never puts on us more than we can bear." Well, maybe I don't want to bear it! Maybe this time He messed up, because I can't do it! I've told the Lord before, "Really, God, maybe you think I can handle this and take on more, but I'm telling you I can't!" During especially difficult times, painful, heart-wrenching, and discouraging times... I don't want trite words of encouragement. What I want is rescue. I want to be taken out of this pain. I want the offender to stop offending or the hurt to be healed... and now please.

Nonetheless, it is not always in our best interest to be rescued or healed right away. Sometimes we pray for very sick friends and family only to watch them lose their battles and die. Sometimes we pray for answers or wisdom and hear nothing. Sometimes we do the right thing, make the right choices, and give all to someone who turns around and stabs us right in the back. Essentially, there are moments in our lives, when we must remain in the pain. There may be situations where there is just not an exit out of it right now. If you don't have a simple truth to turn to in those situations, you may not survive it.

This week I experienced a deep betrayal and have been very confused by it. I've prayed for this to end. I've prayed for some wisdom to overcome it and nothing is changing. In fact, it seems like each time I pray, the heat gets turned up and the situation gets worse. While praying this week, God put this verse on my heart, "I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." This was my honest and angry reply, "I know that, God! I've prayed for help again and again and things only get worse! I don't want a cute and trite Bible verse! I want help!" And so it has continued for days-- the discouragement and anger.

This morning at church, our pastor spoke about being discouraged. He preached from Exodus about the children of Israel, who became beaten down after years of being held as slaves. When help finally did come for them, many of them were too discouraged to believe it or move toward the help. Because their heads were hanging low, they missed exits and opportunities. In the midst of this sermon, the pastor says, "Lift your eyes up to the hills! Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth! When you get discouraged, you miss the help when it finally comes!"

In the midst of my pain, my stubbornness in wanting only rescue led me to discouragement when it didn't come. What I do have is the promise of my Higher Power that help will come. It is the simplicity of this promise and its truth that will keep my eyes raised to the hills. I wanted to share this story here, because I know there are so many of you in a similar place. You don't have the answers you want right now. You don't have the help you need right now. What we do have, however, are truths-- pure and simple truths. Cling to those and know they will get you through. That's your simple encouragement for the day. It's all I've got, "Keep looking up."

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=keep%20your%20head%20up&order=9&offset=120#/d317lqh

The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul is a spiritual phrase that has been used to describe the darkest most desolate phase of a person's life. During this period of your spiritual journey, you will experience immense pain, the feeling of "going crazy," falling apart, depression, anger, terror, helplessness, and complete isolation from others. Everything you once believed yourself to be is found to be no longer true. Everything you once turned to for comfort is either no longer there or has been exposed as a sham. You may feel lost, having nothing stable to lean on, not even God, because your view of Him has been shattered too. There is often also the fear that this will never end, almost like being lost in a deep dark woods, never to be found or make your way out. This is the Dark Night, Honey.

Many spiritual icons have been said to have experienced this. There is Saint John of the Cross who wrote the beautiful poem "The Dark Night of the Soul." Mother Theresa was also said to have experienced a very dark period of years, where she felt disconnected from God. This is an experience that spans across religions and ethnicities, a very human experience. For some it may last for months and for others it may last years. Many people believe that Jesus Christ experienced his own Dark Night on the cross when he cried out, "Oh God, why have You forsaken me?"  Others believe his Dark Night may have been during his 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness when he suffered intense temptations.

The process that is occurring during this Dark Night is like a spiritual reconstruction surgery. Every piece and aspect of your Self-- your thoughts, internal constructs, foundational beliefs, feelings, and the basis for why you exist-- all of this is taken and completely shattered. It hurts like hell. This is a gross oversimplification of the spiritual process taking place, but God is essentially re-building you from the ground up. You are being given no blueprint as to how this will turn out nor even do you have the wherewithal to understand that you will survive. All you can really do is continue to put one foot in front of the other and believe that God is doing a holy work in you and you will emerge from this dark forest. You WILL emerge from this dark forest. I love this excerpt from Saint John of the Cross's poem:

O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover.

In looking back, Saint John was able to recognize his darkest period as an awesome journey that took him into true union with God.

I struggle with knowing what to do for someone who is in their Dark Night. Really there is very little I can do. It is their own journey, one that has to be walked out with their own courage and requires their complete reliance on a God they can barely feel. In my experience with people in this period of their lives, and from my own very profound experience, people can be really nasty during this stage. A person in pain often lashes out, can be highly inappropriate, rude, and ineffective as a parent, friend, or employee. When you no longer have even the internal human construct of good manners to hold you back, you may say and do some horrible and shocking things. I understand the inner chaos a person is experiencing and know that these offensive behaviors are not personally intended toward me or anyone else. Nonetheless, they can really cut and I wonder how much I am expected to withstand! I am beginning to understand that along with the deep compassion I feel for a person walking through the Dark Night, I must also hold a firm line with someone who is flailing about during this stage. I don't shame or guilt-trip a person for their behavior but I also am not required to tolerate or turn a blind-eye if I see someone I love engaging in harmful activities during this stage.

I'd like to re-post the first poem I ever published here on my blog. I wrote this after emerging from my own Dark Night of the Soul and offer it as encouragement to anyone who may be walking through this difficult time:

Coming Out

When you are running--
a shadow of yourself running from
and to yourself
frightened by a ghost self
in brambles the ache scratches
your body when you try to escape--
when you are running.
Just stay on your feet.
Know the darkness in its fullest
reach into the deep of the black
pour the anointing of the pain over
your head.
Keep running.
This is not night that comes and
goes in cycles with day, this
is suffering. This is
your very self at
its cellular level expanding and
constricting in its own rhythm.
If you can hear me there,
know that light will come when
darkness inks away
a self will emerge cracked
still running. It
will be blinding just as
the darkness is blinding.
Behind your forest wall
steady follow this scent
thick with heavy evergreen.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=dark%20woods&order=9&offset=120#/d1x790t

What's This About Sin?

The word "sin" has such a negative connotation to it. It brings images to mind of a naked man and woman in the Garden of Eden or images of sweaty preachers screaming about hell. Sin-- well, it's just so religious. Just as there is a God in heaven, there is a devil in hell, and I am certain that devil must giggle with glee at this religious connotation. It is this connotation that waters the word down and turns it into an act done only by Old Testament characters not by anyone in the year 2010.

I believe that sin is the word for that broken place inside every human being. It is from our broken and wounded places that we come up with some of our worst ideas. Just by being born human, we are born with the capacity for being wounded. Our potential gets trampled by other human beings, often unknowingly and unintentionally. Nonetheless, who we should and could have been (peaceful and connected with God) is altered into someone who is broken and forever seeking to mend the breaks with people and activities that will never really mend it. Sin. If you were born into a family system, whether that includes a Mom and Dad or a group home director, you have been altered from the self God created you to be. Welcome to the human race. You are now a sinner, just because you were born. Sin is not just the mean-spirited and/or selfish behaviors we may engage in. Sin is any thought or feeling that takes you away from the peace and connection you were meant to have with God. There's nothing religious about that!

Really, my entire blog is a blog about sin. It's about addictions, lusts, revenge, anxiety, depression, and conflict. But there is some good news! This blog is also about getting cleaned up from sin. I can be healed of my addictions and mood swings. I don't have to spend the rest of my life finding some great new strategy to finally gain peace (although there are many wonderful things we can do). I don't have to spend the rest of my life white-knuckling it through cravings and withdrawal (although there may be necessary periods of this as well).
There is a wonderful verse that keeps this all so simple, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23, The Holy Bible, New International Version. It is through a simple and effortless faith that my wounded places are healed. This is a free gift from God, an extended hand to me and a promise to be made free from my own sin. I do nothing but just believe it.

The 12 Steps guide us through this healing. Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others, alcohol, food, narcotics, sex and love, SIN. I cannot heal myself. Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There is a power that can heal what I cannot. Step Three: Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I love the kindness and the room for error in Step Three. We've all got such clouded understandings of God. Our God view has been distorted by misguided Sunday school teachers, by negligent fathers or abusive mothers, by rule-bound and shame-based churches. I don't know that my own distorted views will ever be made clear, but I just have to believe one thing about Jesus-- I can turn my will and my life over to Him and He'll take care of this sin problem. I can believe that!

Photos above found at:
Adam and Eve
Helping Hand

Being Humam 101

It's been a little while since I've come here to blah onto the page. This is such an effective and useful coping tool for me, I should come here more often. I hope that I do. I've got lots of ideas, inspirations, and recent events floating around in my head that I could write, but I often give my own sweet self this advice, "First thing's first and one thing at a time." Ok, well, I kinda melded that statement based on good things I heard at various Alanon meetings. :-)

Let's talk about being human for a little while. Why is it I keep forgetting that I am a human being? I absolutely do this and work with families and children who do this. I do not want to just BE. I want to be DOING something. I want solutions and an action step to work on. Just tell me what to DO and I will fix anything. This is my hope, but not at all the way my Creator made me to function. I was created with these annoying things called feelings that seem to have no other function but interrupting my attempts at being a Super Hero. If I just wasn't feeling so overwhelmed I would be able to attend one more meeting and keep people happy. If I just wasn't feeling so angry, I could do your job for you again today and keep the peace. But, no, being human stops that every time.

Here is what I have learned about humanness-- If I try to push myself beyond my own reasonable capacity, it will always end in depression and anxiety. It might take a few months before I wind up there or even a few years for some people, but it never ends good. I cannot deny myself of basic human self-care for extended periods of time and think there are no consequences for that. By basic human self-care, I mean we take care of our bodies. We eat healthy, avoid excesses of all kinds, sleep, and get routine medical care. But I also, and especially, mean taking care of our feelings. Our creator gave us these beautiful, fragile, and indispensable feelings that are there for our own good. Although our feelings are not FACTS, they are ours, completely and utterly ours. It is not weak to have feelings nor is it weak to attend to them the same way I would attend to my body's needs.

I want to clarify that I don't mean I coddle my feelings. Caring for them means I first acknowledge that they are present! Feelings become loud and dangerous when routinely ignored. Then I listen to them and hear where they are coming from. Honestly, for me, that usually settles them down pretty quickly. Our feelings are our friends. Our feelings want to let us know when we are being taken advantage of. Our feelings want to let us know when there is a hurt that needs to just spill for a little while. Our feelings are there to act as friendly guides, especially the uncomfortable feelings like grief, anger, and loneliness.

When I ignore the friendly and helpful feelings of grief, anger, or loneliness, they evolve into the crazed and unhelpful feelings of depression and anxiety. How many times do I need to ignore my feelings and watch them turn into depression and anxiety before I finally get it? If I could count how many times I've done this in the past, it would have to add up into the thousands. I am HUMAN and it is good to have feelings and respect them. Today I will choose to honor even the uncomfortable feelings because I love myself. It may have take 30+ years, but I finally figured out how to derail some depression and anxiety!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=being human&order=9&offset=24#/dt1ydn

Writing as Therapy

I recently had a comment from Glenda Beall, a fellow blogger at Netwest Writers ( netwestwriters.blogspot.com ). I love her blog and hang out there quite frequently just for the sense of writers' community I get there. Glenda pointed out to me how she too has felt writer's block during times of happiness. I mentioned this in an earlier post, and I couldn't agree more that writing is a form of therapy.

I do a writer's workshop once a week at Vanderbilt's Adolescent Psychiatric Hospital. This project is made available through Nashville's Youth Speaks organization. This pulls together my two greatest loves, psychology and creativity. I find that the troubled children there are highly creative, cooperative and open to the writing process. I enjoy them every week and find such inspiration in their courage to share honestly. Although I work with lots of great poets who also help facilitate this writing group, I believe I am acutely aware of the personal struggles of the adolescents there because of my experience in counseling this population for many years now. I enjoy them so much, and I am always thinking of both writing skills as well as tools that will help them cope with the many traumas and stresses they face in their young lives. I thought I might share some of those with my readers.

Processing an Emotion

One skill I teach the teens is how to take a feeling and squeeze every drop of sensation from it. I encourage them to describe in great detail the thoughts, body sensations, colors, and images associated with it. A common exercise we do is giving the emotion 5 senses. For example, if anger had a taste, what would it be? What color is anger, what would it feel like in your hands? Often we hold intense emotions in one side of the brain with no connection to positive neural pathways or even words! This exercise helps to make emotions more bearable and work them through.

Dealing with Obsessions

Another skill I teach the adolescents is how to "write out" an obsession. Often these children are plagued with anxieties or worries. I ask them to imagine that they have literally been eating whatever is the target of their obsessions or anxieties. If they ate this particular thing, what would we see running from the corners of their mouths? What would other people think or feel when seeing this? How did it feel to swallow? The kids love this exercise. One girl wrote, "There is no pain like mine. I have been eating your last words to me."

I believe our writing puts to words the pains that are often indescribable. I cannot tell you about the depth of my hurt, but I can describe the cold hand clenched around my throat, hoping to take my life. Bringing these feelings into being through image and sound puts them into a safe container. Writing about joy engages the same senses, but joy is not often a feeling that was forced into suppression, nor does it require safe placement. Joy is safe, and I'm more accustomed to writing about the forbidden. Joy, I feel it but am still learning to write it!

Picture above found at:
http://lavidamesorprende.deviantart.com/art/Writing-at-the-beach-8919736

Suffering is Optional

Why is it that once someone begins suffering, they never seem to stop? I'm not talking about going through some hard times or hitting a few unlucky bumps along the way. I'm talking about enduring abuse, abandonment, neglect, anxiety, chaos, you know, that kind of suffering. I'm noticing a pattern where those who have made suffering an art, often began honing this art at a very young age. By the time I see these people in therapy, whether they are teenaged or an adult, the suffering has become part of their personality. To suggest there is a life otherwise is blasphemy and almost insulting.

Even those who finally have the light bulb go on and decide they want the suffering to end sometimes have difficulty walking it out. Going from a life of suffering to walking in sunshine, smiling, finding the positive, making lemonade out of lemons... well, it's HARD. I have a client who has known suffering that some of us cannot fathom. She is an adult woman now, struggling almost daily with panic attacks, worry, abusive relationships, and tensions with her children. She has supports in her life that others don't. She has a good treatment team, a good job, and a nice home. Much of the crazy in her life is of her own making. My heart just goes out to her watching her hurt herself this way and I told her, "You have suffered enough. It's time to have a great life now. You deserve it. It's ok to start your great life." I think she's starting to get it.

Today I shared a rubber band with her. She and I put a colorful band on our wrists like bracelets. I explained to her that though she had no control over the crap that has happened to her for her much of her life, this is no longer the case. Starting today it was time to find the good. I asked her to flip that rubber band on her wrist every time she has a negative, critical, or anxiety-provoking thought. After snapping the band she would then say, "God wants me to have a GOOD life and today I choose that GOOD life." I agreed that I would do the same.

I agreed to do this primarily to give her a sense of support and connection with another person. What I didn't expect is how much this exercise has affected me. I have popped my own wrist about 20 times already today and by gosh, I think I'm really beginning to believe it... God wants me to have a GOOD life and today I choose that GOOD life.

Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional.

Photo above found here:
http://jakrak.deviantart.com/art/Bands-20510905