Believe? Not Sure I Can Go There

"But what if I don't believe in God?"
Long pause.
I don't know what to say to this but, "What?"

This is what someone asked me the other day-- someone in pain, someone desperately seeking recovery from addictions, someone just like me, you, and the rest of humanity. Who among us has never had, if not years, then moments of doubt about God? If it's never gotten miserable enough for you that your doubting self had to cry out in anger, "If there is a God in heaven, this would be a GREAT time to show up!!!"-- well, I guess I'd think you were lying.

I have my God, and I also have no desire to force my God on anyone else. The Higher Power is always The Higher Power regardless of whether or not I'm preaching it on every street corner or loudly protesting that MY God is the only one true God!!! The Higher Power is still The Higher Power and he will find you wherever you are just like he found me in some of my most unsavory places. I'm not worried about it. The 12 Step programs are spiritual programs. They hinge upon the hope and faith that there is a Higher Power and that this Higher Power can restore us to sanity (Step 2). We are encouraged to seek out and try to build a connection with a Higher Power (Step 11), and to trust there is a Higher Power that can care for us in a way that we cannot care for ourselves (Step 3).

Well, actually, I guess the best response to a recovering addict who says "but I don't believe in God," would be, "Great! You're on your way to recovery!" One of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous defined addiction as a spiritual deficiency. Thus, all addicts have some level of disbelief in a Higher Power, at least in the acting out phases of their lives, when addiction is the God of their lives. Addicts are hurting people who just want to feel better. I sat with a beautiful teen-aged girl the other day, tears streaming from her sad brown eyes, while she gently stroked the fresh self-inflicted cuts from wrist to shoulder. She just wanted to feel better, and this time it took more cuts than ever before to finally get there. Because there is no secure thing or person to provide some outer evidence that she is loved and safe, these fresh cuts work for her to bring relief. For some it's a heavy dose of heroin, drinking until the pain stops, finding a man who brings love, or working into the wee hours every night so you don't have to think or feel anything. All these people just want to feel better and have found whatever outlet they can grasp onto to bring relief. There is no belief that some Higher Power could or even wants to do the job.

If you want to be free from addictions and you don't believe there is a force somewhere in this universe that is stronger, wiser, and has more resources than you, then how do you believe you will get better? Do you believe your addicted mind can heal your addicted mind? I really love how this is described in the "Big Book" for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, "We came to realize that this disease of sex and love addiction so subtly and thoroughly permeated our best-intentioned and most fervid plans to reform ourselves, that even our ability to think clearly was undermined. There could be no such thing as a self-powered cure. Too many of us had tried this and had failed repeatedly. It was not that our logic, motives or intents were wrong. Rather, our very ability to see the problem clearly, and our wishes to change ourselves, were themselves systematically distorted by the addiction. That part of our mind which at least intermittently recognized our sickness was itself not immune, and could not be solely relied upon to guide us to health." (The Basic Text for the Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, p. 74).


There comes a time for addicts, if you're lucky, when life and the consequences of addiction have become torturous to the point of death without actually dying. It is at this point when we place our first toe on the path of recovery and a tiny flicker emerges within us. Within this tiny flicker is the realization I am totally powerless over this thing. For many of us, there were a few expletives before and after this revelation, but I'll spare you that here. When you really GET it, I am powerless, there might be a moment of intense panic or maybe relief. This is the beauty of recovery. It's like a computer program that, once it starts running, it has its own course that doesn't require my wisdom to keep it going. That tiny flicker of self-preservation within me that admits powerlessness is the same healthy flicker that naturally says, Well, if I have no control over this behavior, dear God, I have to believe there is something or someone in this universe that is willing to help me!

Hold on to whatever vague notion of a Higher Power you can conjure. It may feel ridiculous and assaulting against your reasoning, but believe it anyway. Just fake it, if you have to. Step 2 says, "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." We came there over time. We muddled it over, tinkered with it, or fantasized about it. We began to hope it with all our hearts, for our own sake and that of our loved ones. There has got to be some force out there stronger than me that can restore me. Day One of living out of this new belief looks like this-- turn your life and your will over to the care of this God, as you understand this God to be (Step 3). Whereas we would typically rise out of bed and begin living from our own sick will, Day One-- turn your will and your life over to the care of a Higher Power. If you make it through that sober, then congratulations, it's a good start! If you did not make it through Day One sober, yet you're still alive, congratulations, it's a good start! Day Two looks like this-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. Day Three-- turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. You will watch in wonder as this Higher Power does for you the work of healing that you could not do for yourself, and through this process, you are coming to believe.

There are many people struggling with addictions who also struggle with turning their lives over to a Higher Power. Too many of us have been abandoned, neglected, or abused by those in power over us and have vowed to never lose ourselves to another's power again. Isn't it ironic that the venoms of abuse, neglect, and abandonment created a fear of surrender? And that surrender itself is the cure to these venoms? If you don't believe there is a Higher Power, your Higher Power already knows why you don't and doesn't judge you for it. If you can surrender your precious life to life-altering dramas and chaos, drunks, drugs that kill, the needle, the bottle, or abusive relationships, then why not give a loving Higher Power a shot at it?

Photos above found at:
http://akimao.deviantart.com/art/MagicWood-115415908
http://acacia13.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-115734325

Leah in Love

Leah's womb swelled and pushed
seven times
seven children before she knew beyond
her head-- the pale infant
sucking at her breast had nothing
to give. She lost
another porcelain tooth and Jacob's
back was hard, cold as
the gray stone graves of fathers.

Wrinkled newborn babies did not cry his name,
only Leah.
They brought breath and
warm flesh to every unfulfilled
desire beating in her chest.
Larger and longer they came
seven times--
the space between husband and wife--
till they reached the length of
a self

where a woman could lie
perfectly along them, know
beyond her own head
who she really is.

Photo above found at:
http://sanddra.deviantart.com/art/pregnant-51296512

Wilderness

Do animals make a human cry
when their loved one staggers
fowled dragged down
the blue veined river

Does the female wail
miming the wolf of suffering
do lilies trumpet the pup
plucked for skin and skein

Do animals cry like humans
as I having lost you
yowled flagged
curled in a ball

This is how
we beat the icy field
shoeless and empty handed
hardly human at all

Negotiating a wilderness
we have yet to know
this is where time stops
and we have none to go

by Patti Smith
The Guardian, Saturday 2 December 2006

Patti Smith, Where Have you Been?

How has Patti Smith escaped me all these years? I suppose her brand of genius in song and poetry was well before my own generation, not to mention, I've never been a punk rock fan. But last night I watched a brilliant documentary on PBS, Patti Smith: Dream of Life. I enjoyed her so much, such a quirky and bold woman. Her writing is breathtaking and her performances so full of energy and truth. I found myself slightly confused yet completely captured by her gender-bending appearance-- the unimposing thin frame and wiry hair. She is a woman for all times, for all generations. Thank you, Ms. Smith, for your contribution to our world and thank you, PBS, for introducing this amazing woman to me. Great documentary, check it out at http://www.pbs.org/pov/pattismith/.

Little Girls & Co.

Just so you know
it is not actually you
I am missing but some
fantasy of a man I've carried
since sixth grade.
You just happened to
come along
during my production of this
particular drama
Prince Charming
Cinderella and
a Slipper,
you know the story. You
had nice eyes.
I thought you'd fit the part, so
now that it's over
a huge disaster
a real flop
not what I imagined at all,
I remember sometimes
moments you were not so bad, imagine
perhaps you'd make a better
Lancelot or
Romeo. No,
it's really best you are not employed with this company,
I'm looking at trying my hand at documentaries anyway.

Photo above found at:
http://romeosavesjuliet.deviantart.com/art/Where-s-my-glass-slipper-122045741

Beyonce is Not Naughty But I Am

Well, I have finally dropped the children off at school this morning and I couldn't be happier for some quiet around here! My five year-old son and I were the unprepared victims of the 9 year-old's Autism Rant. If you've never witnessed an Autism Rant, then be glad! When Hannah launches into one of these passionate long-winded speeches of social injustice, you could be in for an Academy worthy performance. These rants are loud, repetitive, filled with paranoid and delusional beliefs that the world is against her, and cannot be stopped. I have learned that any attempts to stop an Autism Rant are futile. At least in our household, it is best to provide no comments, point out no illogical beliefs or falsehoods, or even offer up an Amen. In fact, trying to intervene in any way, especially with threats of time-out, grounding, or spanking, only fuel the righteous indignation, and could possible turn an Autism Rant into an Autism Rage (very violent, someone gets hurt, not a pretty scene).

So, we've all learned to keep our mouths shut as best as possible, while Hannah stomps around the house like it's her pulpit. She really doesn't mind if you're actually listening or not. The Rant seems to be more for her own benefit, stemming from her intense need to put into words the injustices she has suffered, which this morning happened to be the fact that it was too cold for a skirt. This particular Rant on this morning was actually pretty passionate as it ventured off into the area of who is naughty and who should be on the naughty list. Apparently, I am very naughty and will be getting no presents this year. Bummer. I also learned from this impassioned soliloquy that there are leagues of naughty people at her school and in this family. Furthermore, in true Southern Baptist fashion, Hannah preached to us that you should NEVER put yourself on the naughty list, because that is rude!

Imagine my great relief when, after a 45 minute sermon about bad mommies, naughty lists, and the proper use of "temper fits," I finally have both children in the car and we're on the way to school. Popping two ear buds on her and some Beyonce seemed to soothe her anger somewhat. Beyonce always works for me too. Once Hannah had calmed down some, I thought this might be a good time to revisit some of the disturbing statements she had made during her sermon about the nature of Christmas. "Hannah, it's very important that we remember what Christmas is all about. Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus's birthday. I am so glad that Jesus was born, so now He comes to live in my heart and I never have to be afraid of dying. I'm going to live forever in heaven with Him, the God who made me." There is silence from her in the backseat, and I'm thinking she is turning this over in her mind. Perhaps these words are sinking in. "Having Jesus in my heart and the promise of living with Him forever is the greatest gift I could ever get. Don't ya think?"

She maintains her flat expression and replies to me with a tone that says she is not impressed, "Mom, that is not a good gift." She pops her ear buds back in and turns up All the Single Ladies. Okay, so I survived another Autism Rant, and it never escalated farther. I'll just be grateful for that and let God do the rest of the work on her!

Photo above found at:
http://jmarcdodsonjr.deviantart.com/art/Christmas-card-Santa-List-79211111

The Condiments of Marriage

Marriage is a very complex and tricky thing. We know how God intended for marriage to be when he created Adam and Eve, and we know that He knew all along that was going to be too hard. We cannot be married without God-- it's just too hard! I hear young people sharing with excitement their news, "I'm getting married! I just love him!". I just smile politely, bite my tongue, and know inwardly, "Yeah, Sister, just wait till he's not so cute anymore and you realize you actually have to WORK at living together."

I supported myself throughout my college years by waiting tables. At the end of every night, we servers cleaned our table sections, which included marrying the condiments. We would fill back to the top any ketchup, mustard, or salt and pepper shakers that had been used, so that all condiments were full for the next day's customers. A half-used ketchup bottle would be married with another half-used ketchup bottle to create something new for the next day. When two people get married they bring together everything they own and join it. They create a home from their joint furnishings and finances. They marry their talents, whether that be organization, patience, handyman, cook, or compassion. When everything that two people own physically, emotionally, and spiritually is married together, life should be easier for them and their potential for growth much greater than they could have as two singles. At least that's the ideal God had in mind. Actually getting there is pretty tough and doesn't magically happen right after you both say "I do."

When you go out to eat, you will readily find your most commonly used condiments right at your table. If marriage were the dining table, there are three main condiments that should always be married at that table to keep the two diners happy. These marriage condiments (the true life blood of marriages) are sex, money, and parenting. When one partner has more control than the other in any of these three areas, this couple is at high risk for an unsatisfactory relationship.

Sex-- both partners should always feel they have full ownership over their own bodies and sexuality and share it willingly when they want and in the ways they feel most comfortable. Any compromises are discussed and agreed upon by both parties. If one partner routinely gives in to the other, invalidating their own needs or feelings, then the condiment grows empty. You have to get married in your sex life. Actually, I tend to believe that when two people do not bring equally to the marriage emotionally, then the sex condiment gets drained pretty quickly.

Money-- both partners should always have complete access to and full knowledge of the money coming into and out of the household. What gets spent, where, and why are decisions made by the two partners who have married their finances and, thus, both have equal say in where the money goes. Often one person may write the checks, balance the account, etc. for simplicity's sake or because one person is more organized in this area. Even so, the married couple operates as partners and equals in the managing of their funds. There are no money secrets and no money dictators.

Parenting-- couples who join their parenting skills have reached an agreed upon plan of how disciplinary issues will be addressed, what rewards will be used and when, and especially how many children there will be, if any! Having and raising children is a joint operation, a business managed by two people who bring together their abilities and both parties are always kept fully informed of the goings on of the child business. When one person is solely responsible for parenting or the two partners are not in agreement on their parenting values and plans, this is a marriage headed for destruction!

You alone cannot supply everything a marriage needs. You cannot give your all, particularly in the areas of sex, money, and parenting, and believe that you will carry this so-called marriage on your own. There might be a piece of paper that says you are married legally, but when one person is in charge and keeps the other in the dark-- where is the joining? Is this really a marriage? If you are the one getting left in the dark or being left out of the partnering in any of these areas, it is your right to speak up. If you care anything at all about your marriage, you will insist to be made an equal partner in these areas, to be heard, and to be respected in these areas. Whether you've been married 15 minutes or 15 years, there is always room for more marrying. Bring what you have to the table and expect the same from your partner. Keeping the condiments of sex, money, and parenting equally married will make for happy couples!

Photo above found at:
http://fireinyourheartx.deviantart.com/art/salt-and-pepper-109914932