12 Steps to the 23rd Psalm

I had a really neat thought today. Have you ever noticed that the 12 steps and the 23 Psalm actually go hand in hand? They move through the same succession. Check this out:

1. We admitted we were powerless over (insert addiction), that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Admitting powerlessness, developing faith in a higher power, and putting your life in God's hands: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Psalm 23:1-3

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Became entirely ready to have him remove these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

Getting real about your own "stuff," and letting God begin to clean you out: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became ready to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

Making it right with those you've hurt, being set free from the past, relying on the power of God and the steps to continue the healing: "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." Psalm 23:5

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." Psalm 23:6

Isn't God so clever?

Photo above found at:
http://niavaah.deviantart.com/art/Prayer-129447306

Resignation Tendered

Hello blogger friends! It's good to come back to this blank page and "blah" a little bit. Like most of us at some point in our lives, I have been spending a significant amount of time these last few months actively pursuing a personal dream. This is a career dream that I have held for as long as I can remember, even back to my childhood. In these last few months, it has been almost surreal watching what has been only a picture in my imagination become a reality in my life. It has been scary and exciting, both joyous and nerve-wracking. Just in this last month, however, the building of my dream has come to a screeching halt.

I have hit what seems to be an insurpassable roadblock. There is no way through this one. I've come upon other roadblocks on this course, and, with some some time and determination, have been able to make it through. This one, however, remains firm. I am slowly coming into the realization that this just is not going to happen for me. My dream is dying and this is tough-- really, really tough.

Yesterday, in my car driving home, I turned off my radio and just began to pray. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like this, "God, you know my heart, and you know that I am saying these words from a place of true sincerity and not an attempt to force anything from you. If it's your perfect will for me, I am asking and trust that you will remove this roadblock. I will do my part and wait patiently for you to swoop down with your powerful hands and make this happen for me! You are well able to remove this obstacle right now in the name of Jesus. You can do this and I know you love me and want me happy!" I paused while a giant "but" bubbled up into my prayer. "But if you do not remove this roadblock, I will accept that. I will go where you want me to go and be the woman you want me to be, wherever you want me to be that." I began to feel gratitude build in my chest, "after all you have done for me, I can give this dream to you, God. It's really not much for you to ask, after all. If you want me to give this up to you, and that's your plan for me, I will do it. I love you and just want you to be pleased with me. I'm not perfect, although I try to be daily to no avail (God knows I'm a perfectionist despite His grace :-) ). Really, at the end of the day, and at the end of this life, my dreams are such a small thing. All that really matters to me is that you can say you're pleased with me. If this is all you ask of me, I'll do it for you, Lord."

In the course of that prayer something clicked in me. This career dream I have is but one pie slice in the pie of my life. It is not the entire pie. God has done amazing, truly amazing and miraculous things in many of the other pie slices. I'm so grateful for that. Yes, I'd love to have every pie slice just the way I want it, and maybe God will do that. I'm sure He'd love to really show out in my life and He's done it many times before, BUT if He doesn't... who am I to complain, really?

Suddenly, I remembered Abraham and how he was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac. This was the son he for whom he had prayed and believed for nearly a hundred years! This was the one thing he had always wanted from God more than anything else, a son, and he finally got it. Now God was asking Abraham to sacrifice him. It was always so inexplicable to me how Abraham was able to take his highly prized son out to be sacrificed, without question, without hesitation! What?! I always read that story and thought, "Wow, what amazing faith! Abraham must have know that God would not really do this to him and that a true sacrifice would be provided in the end." Ultimately, that is what happened. Just as Isaac was laid upon the sacrificial fire, a lamb appears from the bushes as the sacrifice. Today, for the first time ever, I see this story in a completely different light. After years and years of waiting on God, trusting in God, watching God work, trial and error, trial and error, a believer learns very acutely what it feels like to be apart from God. I have struck out on my own way many times only to crash and burn. It's no fun.

For me, and maybe even for Abraham, I believe, it's not faith alone but also reaching a place of resignation with God. I don't mean a hopeless, angry kind of resignation. I'm talking about a resignation that, when asked to give up to God a seemingly essential part of SELF, says, "I thought I needed this, but really, if you want it, it's better if you just take it. I'll give you whatever you need just to stay with you, even this. In fact, in the grander scheme of things, this is a very small thing to give you. My entire life is right here on the sacrificial fire. Just take it all... including THIS," whatever THIS might be in your life.

I apologize if I may sound a little preachy today or overly "religious" for some. Although I have my particular spiritual views, I don't ever intend to try to force those on other people. I want to allow everyone the space to make and find their own spiritual path. Please know that the sharing of my particular struggle is just that... my own personal struggle, and not intended to be a sermon on the mount. One of my earliest intentions for this blog was a selfish one-- a place to rant and philosophize as self-indulgently as is personally necessary! We all need the space to do that and sometimes knowing that our words are being heard is very validating. Thanks for validating me today. :-)

Photo above found at:

http://rhomemusic.deviantart.com/art/365-Days-Day-403-153233219

Blessed Is the Match

Blessed is the match, consumed in kindling flame.
Blessed is the flame that burns in the heart's secret places.
Blessed is the heart that knows, for honors sake, to stop its beating.
Blessed is the match, consumed in kindling flame.

By Hannah Senesh


http://astore.amazon.com/poetryshoah-20/detail/1580232124

I've Got a Right to Be Wrong

Today just wrap your arms around yourself. Go ahead, do it. Love on your sweet imperfect self, sway back and forth, and dance to this little tune by Joss Stone. When I first started developing a real SELF, this song made me smile from the inside. She says, "I've got a right to be wrong. I've been held down too long. I'm flesh and blood down to the bone, not made of stone. I gotta sing my own song. I might be singing off key, but it sure sounds good to me." Gotta love it! We are human beings. We are supposed to make mistakes. We are supposed to sign up for crap, then halfway through realize it's crap and change our mind. We have the right to change our minds halfway through the crap. We have the right to have unconscious selfish motives, then forgive ourselves and ask God for healing. We have the right to mistakes and to be wrong. Enjoy this, friends, and give yourself some sweet love today.

Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts

O Sisyphus, O Tantalus

So there it is, the fact of life,
a heart is not so hard to break.
And twisted, tragic irony
will indeed a good story make
but won't seal the eggshell
cracked and bleeding blood-red yoke –
thus the breaker and the broken spoke.


O Sisyphus, I feel your pain –
despite myself, I lift the rock again
and beat myself over the head:
he said, she said, I thought… I wish
I had not forgotten to bury the dead,
to take out the trash, and sleep
where I chose to make my bed.


Time heals all wounds but those that fester:
like Tantalus (of tantalizing)
the fruit still beckons, aggrandizing
dreams of what may have come to be
had Hubris not yet taken hold,
made me reach for all that gold
when all along we shared the Midas touch.


Irony, you stupid bitch, I'll tear your heart
out of your chest, just let me rest
and think these happy thoughts;
happy thoughts not to forget but overlay
the spite, the void, the shame, those days
I bit off more than I could chew
and lost a tooth, and took it out on you.


By Anonimous Mistake at
http://sintaxandsemantix.blogspot.com/2010/02/happy-thoughts-happy-thoughts.html

Photo above found at
http://skittishsynapses.deviantart.com/art/See-you-when-I-get-there-38874626

Magical Thinking

I've started doing some extra work, some initial assessments and outpatient therapy with more children. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am finding that this work is feeding me spiritually! Now I understand what Paul meant when he said "though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are growing day by day." As always, God knows just what I need and when I need it. Let me tell you this great story about a little boy I saw the other day.

This child is 8 years old and has a history of abuse and neglect. In our second session, he and I are playing, and I am watching for themes to begin to emerge in his play. Being the analytical adult I am, I am watching for themes of aggression, control, or anger. I am watching for re-enactments of abuse scenarios and perhaps bringing his perpetrator into our play. He surprises me, however, and points out that a little monster doll sitting in the corner is another child at school who has been bullying him. I walk my little princess doll over to Woody, the character he has chosen to represent himself, and say, "Hey, go over there and tell him to go away!" This child looks me in the eye terrified and says, "No, you do it." I realize that this child is not looking to exercise control or aggression. He just wants to feel protected by the adults in his life, so I tell him, "No problem. Let me take care of this." I walk my princess doll over to that monster and give him a thrashing of the MOST epic of proportions. He gets beat, kicked, punched, and utterly destroyed. All the while my client is laughing and jumping with glee. His joy is infectious and I begin laughing too. I tell that little monster, "There, take that! And if you ever mess with my friend again, I'll come back and do the same thing again! Now get out of here!" We take that monster and hide him behind a stack of books. I can tell that the mother, who is looking on, doesn't know whether to laugh with us or be horrified.

That was last week, so I was excited to see my little friend again this week. I ask his Mom how things have been and she says she's seeing improvement. I ask my client about the bully and he smiles and says, "Oh, we're friends now." This is the power of a child's magical thinking and the magic of play! It is so refreshing to me, watching the innocence with which children mold their little worlds. They don't need to read a book about bullies or go to the seminar. They don't need to call a meeting or talk it out-- not that there is anything at all wrong with those methods of change. But those are adult methods.

I'm being reminded of the child's methods of change, which require immense faith. Children make magical connections where none seem to exist in the real world. Sometimes this is to their detriment, such as making the erroneous connection that Dad left the home because they (the child) were not smart enough or assuming they are being abused because they are bad children. I am being reminded through these precious little kids, sometimes feeling good is as simple as just believing it to exist. Sometimes feeling powerful is thrashing a stuffed doll or, in my case, defeating a sink full of dishes. Somewhere along the way, we lose some of the magic of thinking, and I'm so grateful to be reminded I can still pick that skill up when I need it. If I want to feel peaceful today, it starts with a little play. When the little girl inside me is laughing with delight, just like my client the other day, you know it's going to be a great day.

Photo above found at:
http://throwing-colors.deviantart.com/art/Monsters-99556578

Selling Myself Short?

I have really had the strangest dreams lately. My husband says to me, "Oh, God, do I really have to hear about your dreams?" The concept of dreams having meaning seems like a foolish one to him. I, however, believe strongly that most of our dreams are not just refuse from the day. They actually are telling us something! I believe our subconscious minds pick up images, words, non-verbal cues, and all sorts of juicy tidbits from the day that the conscious mind is either too busy or too defended to really see. Then at night, the subconscious pieces together the images and clues into a story that often seems nonsensical. Perhaps my husband thinks this is crazy, but I just happen to have generations of brilliant psychoanalysts who agree with me on this... so there. I guess you can imagine what the arguments around my house sound like, poor hubby.

Back to my VERY fascinating dream... so, I dream I am back in the home I grew up in. I'm an adult living back at home with Mom and I'm growing hundreds of tomatoes (FYI, any time you're dreaming about your childhood home or family of origin... pay close attention). I simply grow these hundreds of tomatoes and most of them rot on the vine. I'm doing nothing meaningful with them apart from just growing them. I will occasionally enjoy a few of the tomatoes for myself, but there are just so many of them that most of them go to waste. One day, in the dream, I realize, "Hey, I should really be doing something with all these tomatoes. These are really gorgeous, and there are people who would probably like to have them." So, I decide to sell them to a local woman at a farmer's market. She re-sells the tomatoes and we split the profit. I go into the yard and am struck by how many of these darned tomatoes I actually have. I begin plucking them from the vines and realize they are real gems. Some are fat and deep red, others are smaller and perfect. They vary in shade and size, but they all seem wonderful to me. I gather several bags and go inside the house and declare my intentions to my Mom who says, "Why would you do something like that? You could take those tomatoes straight to people yourself and not have to split the profit! Lots of people would buy those from you." I get very angry at her criticism and reiterate the fact that I WANT to sell them to the lady at the farmer's market.

As I'm gathering the tomatoes, I recognize there is one really exotic kind growing in the yard. In my dream, I call them black cherry tomatoes. They are so deep red they actually look black. They are bursting with flavor and so beautiful. I know they lady at the farmer's market will be excited about the opportunity to sell these. I take her my produce and she is, in fact, very excited at what I've brought. When she sees the black cherry tomatoes, however, she seems a little reluctant and is just examining them. I am marveling at their beauty and say, "They're amazing, aren't they?" She hesitates and just says, "Well... I don't know if anyone will really be interested in these." She estimates her profits and pays me. I leave feeling a little let-down and thinking maybe my Mom was right.

So, that's the dream and it has stuck with me for days. Out of curiosity, I googled black cherry tomatoes this morning and discovered that this is an actual tomato. This is what they look like in reality, beautiful, huh?


I think it's difficult for me to interpret my own dreams, because my own conscious mind will filter out some of the obvious interpretations. On the surface of things though, I think the dream is a reflection of the growth I have done in the past several years. I have actually become productive at work and at home. I have done tons of self-exploration and worked hard to address some character flaws and personal issues. Maybe for the first time in my life, I look around and see real fruit-- enough fruit to actually feed someone other than myself! The only problem is where and how to do that, I guess. I'm not real sure about that black cherry tomato. In the dream, I got the feeling that the tomato was so odd that it actually put people off. Now that I think about it, I can see how that's happening too in my reality! I'm open to your interpretations. I sense this dream is an important one to me.

And should you come to my website and see "Get to the Inside: a psychotherapist's spiritual blend of psychology and agriculture," don't be surprised... I'm just saying.

Top photo found here:
http://bellecatastrophe.deviantart.com/art/Farmer-s-Market-Weekends-117520394