Growing Spaces!!

Hello blogger friends, I wanted to stop by and let everyone know that I am moving my blogging space to www.mgreenecounseling.com.  This is the website for my private practice here in Nashville, and after some heavy thinking, I believe it's best for me to continue my writing there.  This blog has been loads of fun for me, a place to make friends, learn, and grow.  I know that many of the articles here continue to provide support and encouragement to many, so I'd like to leave the blog active for that purpose.

For those of you who would like to continue to follow my writing, you'll find me at the new website.  Thank you all very much for your support to me over the years and I look forward to being able to share with you more from a new space!

www.mgreenecounseling.com

For the Fatherless on Father's Day

I know this Father's Day must be difficult for many people around the world.  There are millions of us who perhaps have no living father or no father who is present and brings good into our lives.  A day like today, when people are celebrating their loving and devoted fathers, can be difficult for the rest of us.  I've been estranged from my father for fourteen years now.  Our last conversation was by phone and was a painful one.  Prior to that was a year of mounting tension and anger, culminating in what seemingly was the end of our relationship.  Even after all these years, Father's Day remains a bittersweet day where I am grateful my Dad is still living and well, though he is painfully absent from my life. 

For a long time I felt jealousy, rage, and bitterness toward those who had a devoted father in their lives.  I loathed seeing someone mistreat their Dad or take loving Dads for granted.  I ached, grieved, cried, and tried in more ways than I can count to fill the giant wound inside my heart.  I can't say that I am fully healed, but I can say I've come a very long way.  I've grown and been soothingly stitched up in my hurting parts over the years, and here's how it happened for me.

In the beginning I began leaning on my Father God for EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING.  I looked to God for car repairs, help with the rent, an unconditionally loving shoulder when I'd been hurt, laughs, wisdom, and acceptance.  I learned that no other person or thing could fill me the way God can, not even an earthly father, and sometimes I wonder if I had to lose my earthly father in order to learn this painful lesson.  I could have the most wonderful and accepting father on this planet, and not even he could fill the space in my heart created by my Creator.  I am made worthy not because my father loves me, but because God loves me. 

 After God did some emergency surgery on my broken heart, I became well enough to get further stitiches from my husband.  One of my favorite times of the day is when my husband tucks in our thirteen year-old daughter for bed.  The fact that she's 13, first of all, and he still tucks her in (and she still wants him to!) says a lot about him.  Often I sit outside her room and listen to the two of them going through their bedtime ritual.  I can't hear everything they are saying and it's not really important to me; what's important is that their voices are low and serious, punctuated with her giggles or his laughter at her.  What's important to me is that the conversation lasts well beyond what can be considered "tucking in" and is clearly more than that for them too.  It is a time when this father is enjoying his daughter, giving her his time, and showing her through this ritual that she matters.  As he fathers her, he fathers me.  I sit outside her bedroom door and feel my broken heart be further stitched that I am married to a man who loves our daughter in this way.  I am healed when she seeks him out and moves into his arms.  She knows there is safety and unconditional acceptance there.  When my husband sacrifices sleep and time (his two most valuable assets these days) in order to be with our children, I am healed, fathered, and made whole.

It's not just in how he loves them but in how he loves me too.  My biological Dad had 18 years with me.  That was 18 years he was given to pour into me whatever he wanted me to have, either good or bad.  It was shortly after that that he exited my life, so in this last 18 years the man who has loved me is my husband.  He's had the same amount of time to also pour into me, and what he's given me in those years is his complete devotion and consistent love.  If I want it, he gets it.  If I need it, he'll take care of it.  If I'm crying, he tries to fix it.  If I'm mad, he tries to calm me.  If I'm lonely, he makes me laugh.  He's good.  Really good.  And it's taken his 18 years of him "re-parenting" me for me to get it. 

I've learned something really exciting about how love works:  when you let yourself receive even a little of it, your eyes become opened to even more.  As I've allowed myself to be loved fully by both God and my husband, I've come to see the many other men that God has placed in my life.  Men who do what a father is supposed to do for a woman.  For a girl, our Dad is the template of how to relate with a man and receive love that has nothing at all to do with sex.  So many women never had this, and the first love they ever received from a man was through the attention and value assigned via sex.  They confused sex with love and thus, never learned that love from a man can exist entirely separate from any activity that occurs in a bedroom.

There is a very sweet man who runs the car shop beside my office.  He's been tuning and repairing my vehicles for 14 years now and will drop everything in a second if he knows I need help.  This man has left his own place of work to come fix my broken car in the parking lot at my office.  When he sees me walk in the door, he smiles and always has something sweet to say.  He is kind, attentive to me, and takes good care of me, wanting nothing in return-- except for payment for the oil change, of course, but trust me, he's not making a fortune changing my oil.

There's another sweet man at my work who keeps all my electronic needs taken care of.  If he knows my computer is on the blink, a charger cord has a short, or a phone line is down, he will drive clear across town to take care of me.  He has offered to build a home computer for me, has made the same repair over and over despite my own user error, gives the equipment out of his own office so I won't have to do without, and does all of it with a genuine smile on his face.  He and I have worked together for years and one day he said to me, "Ms. Greene, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I just want you to know that you always look so lovely."  My heart melted and I knew that God had put those anointed words in his mouth.  It's one thing when a man is attracted to you and pouring on the flattery, it's an entirely different feeling when a man compliments your appearance with no sexual undertone at all.  It's the kind of thing a father should do, and I received it from this friend with an open heart.

Today I've seen Father's Day specials on television, watched neighborhood fathers grilling with their families, and seen countless Facebook pictures of friends with their Dads; and for every single act of love I've seen today I allowed it to heal me further.  When I hear about a Daddy who spent hours building a swingset in the heat of June, I am healed.  When I watched one neighbor take a walk with his infant son strapped to his chest, I was healed.  For every man who loves their children with complete abandon and unconditional love, you father me too.  I can't explain it, but it fills me with such joy and hope.  I am buoyed by the fact that there are indeed many, many men in this world who want nothing more than to put a smile on the faces of their children and wives today, my own sweet hubby included.

I write this because I know I'm not alone when it comes to the absence of a biological father.  I counsel men and women everyday who have a mean father, a father they've never met, or maybe a Dad who is no longer living.  And what I can offer to us is the assurance that we do not have to grow up as orphans in this world.  I don't have to be poor, pitiful Melissa whose Daddy doesn't want her.  No, I've allowed myself to receive and be healed by the love offered to me from many men in my life and I am not fatherless.  Happy Father's Day to all of the men who want nothing more than to put a smile on my face.  I love you and appreciate you.  And Happy Father's Day to the men who love our children of the world.  You father us all.

What the Leprechaun Said

I have been hanging out with a new writing community over at www.absolutewrite.com and I'm learning so much from these guys.  This month all bloggers were encouraged to join a chain, writing a brief piece with the prompt What the Leprechaun Said.  Easier said than done, my friends.  Here is my contribution to the chain and please take a minute to check out my fellow bloggers' posts in the chain below the story.  Enjoy!

                The first day that Kristoff Khaun showed up in all his fat, green glory to interview with the boss, I couldn’t help but thinking, “Oh, hell no, not another one.”  We’re going to all be out of jobs if these leprechauns continue to proliferate like this.  Ever since they decided, “We have rights too!  We shouldn’t have to live in the shadows anymore!” life has changed for all of us, especially here at The Sun Scoop newsroom.  Leprechauns are sneaky little bastards, and I could just feel the immorality and debauchery oozing from Kristoff Khaun like a poison slime.  From the moment he showed up for his first day on the job, decorating his cubicle with art deco prints of clover, the other leprechauns here have flocked to him.  I didn’t like it.

For twenty years I’ve enjoyed my corner office overlooking the city below, and the clack of typing keyboards has fed my soul.  I was the first full-time reporter hired here (a real catch for the editor, Mr. Jenkins, if I do say so myself), after just graduating from Columbia University… ahem, first in my class.  I played a major role in building this paper.  I helped develop our reputation as credible and exciting.  I put in long days and nights writing, editing copy, and chasing leads; and ever since the leprechauns came out of the closet, it’s been one terribly written story after another.  The problem—leprechauns don’t know how to listen.  They chatter nonstop at the water cooler, in the kitchen, even in the bathroom stalls.  Leprechauns are as blind to their character defects as they are to their inferior writing.

As the old-timer here, Mr. Jenkins had asked me to “help the new guy along” and I, being a team player, agreed.  His first two weeks on the job, Kristoff did not shut up.  Ever.  I’m not sure how he found the time to get any work done, so I anticipated tearing his first stories to shreds with my red ink pen.  I stick to the old school style of paper copy.  Don’t email me an attachment.  I want paper in hand, so I can comment in the margins.  It’s the tried and true method of editing from way back.  Kristoff didn’t balk at my instructions, and three days before his deadline, he sauntered into my office with a folder containing two new stories. 

“Thanks,” I said, not turning away from my computer.  “I’ll get to these this week.”

“I was really hoping you could look at them today.  Mr. Jenkins has already assigned me to cover the school board debacle and the Johnson trial, so I’m going to be out of the office for awhile.  I was also hoping to take my wife on a trip to the Hamptons this weekend, then my mother-in-law is coming into town next Monday.  Have you ever been to the Hamptons?  I’ve got a place there, if you ever want to stay.  Oh, and I’ll need those stories back.  I always like to keep a paper copy of my work.  This electronic stuff doesn’t work for me, I prefer—”

“Yes, I’ll get to it when I can.”

“Well, I’m really hoping that will be today.  See, I’ve got some things to take care of.  I appreciate your help and all, but I did this work before when I was at The York Courier.  I did all of the editing there, and I’m pretty busy these next few days.  I’m taking my wife—”

“Yes, I’ll get to it when I can,” I repeated and swiveled in my chair to face him with a forced smile. 

Kristoff rocked on his heels for a moment then forced his own smile before leaving my office.  Stupid, arrogant, piece of—

A newbie should know his place around here.  What could he possibly know about being busy?  And what’s this about the Johnson trial?  I wanted that story and had already interviewed seven people.  I always go ahead and start on the big stories since I’m the only one around here with any salt as a writer.  All day I recalled recent conversations with Mr. Jenkins, wondering if I’d irritated him somehow.  Even by 5 PM, when I stopped by the restroom before going home, my inner monologue was at a frenetic pace cursing Kristoff and replaying all my interactions with the boss. 

“Oh, hey there,” Kristoff said, coming out of a bathroom stall behind me.

He joined me at the bathroom counter, where I was already washing my hands.  Our eyes met in the mirror, and I wanted to look away but couldn’t.  He was still talking, talking, talking.  The image of the two of us in that bathroom mirror held me.  His eyes held me.  His words.  And amidst his barrage of meaningless chatter, I caught something he said.  I can’t even tell you now what it was; I only know my thoughts began tumbling from my mouth in an uncontrollable stream. 

“You think you’re hot shit, just because you worked at The York Courier?  I can’t stand uppity leprechauns like you, thinking you know more than those of us who have years of experience.  If you could just see yourself, standing there with that smug grin on your face….”  On and on I rambled, mortified, while Kristoff stood silent, smiling at our reflections in the mirror. 

“My mother was a crack whore who was killed by my father, her pimp.”  The words fell from my lips, and I gasped in horror. 

In an un-leprechaun-like silence, Kristoff pulled a brown paper towel from the holder, dried his hands, and nodded with a smile before leaving.  I stood there alone, avoiding the mirror, already able to see myself much clearer than I ever had before.  Disgusted and shocked, I saw my deepest parts, beyond the slim torso and Cartier tie clip, to a place I thought only existed in leprechauns.

Participants and posts:orion_mk3 - http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to post)
robeiae - http://thepondsofhappenstance.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
writingismypassion - http://charityfaye.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
Sudo_One - http://sudoone.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
randi.lee - http://emotionalnovel.blogspot.com/ (link to post) pyrosama - http://matrix-hole.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
katci13 - http://www.krystalsquared.net/ (link to post)
MsLaylaCakes - http://taraquan.com/ (link to post)
Angyl78 - http://jelyzabeth.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
KitCat - http://twilightasylum.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
Bloo - http://www.emergencyroomproductions.net/ (link to post)
dclary - http://davidwclary.com (link to post)
ConnieBDowell - http://bookechoes.com/ (link to post)
Lady Cat - http://carolsrandomness.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
Araenvo - http://www.simonpclark.com/ (link to post)
MichaelP - http://portablemagicblog.com/ (link to post)
Ralph Pines - http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
mdgreene50 - http://www.gettotheinside.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
scatterjoy! - http://www.sleepinginanunmadebed.com/ (link to post)
SRHowen - http://srhowen1.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
dolores haze - http://dianedooley.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
 

The Power of Words

Hello, blogger friends!  The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerted.  I am still alive and kicking.  Lots happening in my world.  I've been in novel-editing hell, working like a fiend on my two jobs, and caring for my two special needs babies.  Despite the busy-ness of life, I'm happy and well. 

I realize now how my 7 month break has actually provided an opportunity for writing fodder.  Lots of juicy insights have come over the last several months, so I hope to find the time to put some of those in writing here.  What I really want to sort through today is this idea I've been tossing around about our words.  It seems cliche to talk about the power of our words, and yet this truth is so simple and... well, powerful.  I am a woman of many words.  I talk alot.  I talk so much that sometimes I can't remember what I said or who to whom I said it.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does present a potential pit, particularly when you want every word you speak to carry its own responsible weight. 

I'm learning that our words fall into two main camps-- labeling v. judging.  The labeling camp of words are used to describe, observe, and give shape to.  The judging camp of words are meant to attach a value-laden meaning to an observation or description.  For example, if my husband hasn't put away the laundry, the judging camp of words might say, "You never help me around here!  You are so lazy."  The labeling camp would say, "I notice the laundry basket is still sitting here.  Would you mind putting those away today?"  This may seem like no big deal to some of you, but to me this is Life.  Changing.

I am a judger from way back, Honey.  I should have been a tax auditor or an editor.  If there is anything wrong with you or something you've done, I can find it in a hot minute.  I also have the ability to turn these super-powered judging lenses inward on myself.  I can and will find the faults within me then make a slew of shame-inducing negative comments toward myself.  What I'm learning is to slow down and listen before speaking to others or judging myself.  What a concept!  I listen for how the other person seems to feel and what it is they seem to be saying about what they need.  This is particularly difficult to do if the other person is actually trying to place their own anger, sadness, guilt, etc. on me, but it can be done.  Another example, a co-worker huffs into my office and with a tone says, "your report is still not done, and I can't finish up my final report until you do your job."  My first reaction is to not really hear this person but to fire back with an equally angry-toned remark.  However, if I pause and try to connect with what the co-worker is feeling, hear what she needs, and choose not to take anything personal from her comment, I will hear that she sounds stressed.  It seems like she's also saying that having her work done on time is important to her.  If I just hear those things and respond from that, she and I are much more likely to have a pleasant ending to this conversation.

Some folks call this "non-violent communication."  I like that, because it highlights the fact that communicating any other way is likely to feel "violent."  There are some wonderful booklets and websites about this as well, describing this as giraffe v. jackal language.  The giraffe seeks to connect, while the jackal seeks to attack.  Here's an article that says it much better than I can:  http://www.thedutchphdcoach.com/process/learn-to-speak-giraffe/ .  I'll even go so far as to attach a value-laden label to the article and say it's awesome! 

I'm learning that when I am purposeful and thoughtful when choosing my words, I am left feeling clear-headed about myself and the situation.  Connecting, sorting through, and giving objective observations feels kind and gentle, both to myself and others.  All we really want is to build up others and ourselves, and it feels good to know that I can do the bulk of that work by carefully choosing my own words.  Now that is powerful.

The photo above can be found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=powerful+words#/art/The-power-of-words-260509218?_sid=299626b4

Move Over!

One of the therapists I supervise has come up with a phrase that I've stolen and use on the regular-- stay in your own lane.  She tells me that she has the tendency to "get out of her lane" when it comes to work with clients in therapy, but what about those of us who tend to get out of our lane in everyday life?  And what do you do when someone continually swerves over into your lane? 

Staying in my lane means I mind my own business.  This is really hard.  Sometimes just by silently judging someone else, I have just exited my lane and veered into the other person's.  When I begin analyzing, critiquing, and comparing someone else's behavior to my own, this can lead to some self toxicity.  When I stay in my own lane, I try to keep my mind off what you are doing-- unless, of course, you are drifting into my lane.  Then I will need to kindly tell you to return to your own lane.

Sometimes I drift out of my lane by "helping" someone.  You know that subtle kind of controlling help that some of us might sometimes offer?  I find myself doing that with my children or maybe a supervisee.  It's generally someone who I fear is going to really flub up and then I'll be left cleaning the mess.  Staying in my own lane means remaining focused on me and my responsibilities.  I may offer friendly advice or a suggestion.  If that is ignored and a mess ensues... oops, that's in your lane.  Guess you'll have to clean that up.

For me, I tend to get out of my lane when I worry what someone else is thinking about me.  This one is a real struggle for me.  If you are over in your lane thinking something nasty and harsh about me, it's really none of my business.  Who looks crazier-- the person silently judging me or me when I'm swerving all over the road trying to figure out what the person in the other lane is thinking about me?  Yeah, I won't answer that one.

Okay, and my number one lane buster-- trying to do God's job for him.  Oh, yes, my friend, I do it.  I do this when I complain about how an uncontrollable situation turned out.  I am essentially asking God, "Was that the best you could come up with?"  Just the other day I was complaining to my Mom about how a particular situation ended up.  I embarked on a passion-filled speech, listing the injustices that were being done, whining about the discomfort I'm being subjected to, and on and on and on.  God later brought to my mind a time when my own precious daughter sat at the kitchen table on her birthday.  I had just spent the day rearranging my entire schedule so I could pick up her special order birthday cake, run around town finding exactly what she wanted, wrap gifts, and plan the evening's dinner.  Our family finally sat down for birthday cake later that evening and as my exhausted hand lifted the bite of cake to my mouth, my daughter asked, "Is this all I get?"  God reminded me that this is exactly what I look like to Him when I am complaining about the one thing I didn't get, forgetting all the tremendous behind-the-scenes work He does for me daily just to keep me comfortable.  So sorry, God, gonna try to do better about staying in my lane on this one!

Okay, and if you swerve over into my lane, I'll ask you nicely the first time to get back where you belong.  Should you continue to violate my lane, don't be angry with me when the conversation we're having has to change.  At first, the conversation was, "Could you get back in your lane please?  Thanks."  Repeated offenses changes the conversation to this, "I've asked that you please stay in your lane.  It's really uncomfortable and dangerous for me to take care of my responsibilities over here with you in the way.  I'm going to need you to get back into your lane, and if you can't do that, I'll have to call the police next time.  Thanks!"  I then drive away and leave that person alone in his or her lane to take responsibility for whatever feelings that might have aroused in them.  That's just courteous, right? 

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?order=9&q=highway+lanes&offset=24#/d2daos8

Tips From a First-Time Novelist

Hello!  Back from my writing hiatus... I announced in January that I was embarking on a novel, my first attempt ever at a novel, and I have finally competed it.  I actually finished the novel in April and now I'm going through several rounds of edits.  I have definitely learned a lot about the fiction writing process during this first attempt at a novel.  I thought I might share a few insights I gathered along the way:

1.  For any books I write in the future, I think I should come up with the title first and then write the book.  I did not have a title for this current novel and now that I've finished, I am having an incredibly difficult time coming up with a title that encapsulates all that the book means.  It's nearly impossible!

2.  Character development, character development, character development.  I went into the novel with a clear idea of the character traits of only a couple characters.  I wish I would have done more "pre-writing/pre-work" on the other minor character so that I would have gone into the novel with a clearer idea of who they really are rather than learning for myself who they are as the novel progressed.  I have found several wonderful sites that offer suggestions of some good activities that help you get to know your own characters before you begin writing:

http://www.creative-writing-solutions.com/creative-writing-prompts.html

http://dailywritingprompts.thewritingoffice.com/category/characters/

http://prompts-4-writers.deviantart.com/journal/Character-Development-Prompts-227535262

3.  Chapter outlines are not a bad thing.  I outlined a basic premise of how I would like the story to progress, but did not break this down chapter by chapter.  Only about halfway through the book did I begin doing this and it made things much easier.  Outline by chapter rather than by plot-- it makes the story easier to read!

4.  Do not become so overly-focused on the plot that you lose sight of prose and setting.  A good story can only take you so far.  If you don't establish a clear setting then the story lacks foundation.  Finding the proper mix between sections of prose, narrative, and description is as precise as blending the ingredients for a cake, and I can only say it seems to come from the instinct of each individual writer.  Trust your own magic.

5.  Don't insult your readers.  Sometimes as a writer, we are so in love with our own brilliant idea that we want to make sure the reader gets it, so we beat them over the head with it.  If your idea is really that brilliant, then trust your brilliant readers to get it.  They don't need to be told everything.  A good reader knows how to read a novel for all it's worth.  Good readers know how to read beyond the typed words on the page.  Show your theme through fluid and descriptive writing rather than through in-your-face telling. 

6.  Be patient.  Spinning a good yarn takes time and patience.  The urgency of my own story often mistakenly came through with rushed writing.  I am now having to go back and fill in the gaps, give more information, and sometimes literally change choice of words, etc. because the story was so rushed.  Take your time.

7.  Be fearless.  Tackle the hard stuff.  Say the difficult things.  Don't be afraid to show the ugly and lay it all out there.  As Natalie Goldberg puts it, Write down the bones. 

Benzos-- On My Soapbox

I hate benzodiazepines. HATE them. This class of drugs (what we know as Ativan, Xanax, Klonipin, Librium, and Valium and various others) was introduced in 1961 and sold to the medical community as "safe." Doctors then naturally begin writing prescriptions left and right and we are now learning that benzos are NOT safe. I speak from my own personal experience in working with addicts as well as from scientific research and statistics. I see people almost daily who are struggling to overcome addictions from various substances but cannot overcome the final hurdle of benzos addiction because doctors continue to hand these drugs out like candy.

Let's just lay out the facts. First of all, the manufacturers of benzos do not suggest that this drug be used longer than two weeks. Second of all, we know that long term use leads to increased tolerance (requiring more of the drug to feel any benefit), physical dependence, and dangerous, potentially life-threatening withdrawal symptoms when one tries to stop taking the drug. We also have statistics that support the fact that most people abusing benzos are typically combining their benzo with another substance, usually alcohol or opiates. This is a deadly combination.

Here are some important statistics. In 2006 the Center for Disease Control reported " Poisoning {drug overdose} is the second leading cause of injury death overall, and the leading cause of injury death for people aged 35-54 years, surpassing both firearm-related and motor vehicle-related deaths in this age group." Of these "accidental" deaths, 17% of those were related to the misuse of benzos. In 2009 in Washington state alone, benzos were indicated in 20% of accidental deaths, higher than alcohol (17%), cocaine (15%), meth (5%), and heroin (2%). Even in 1986 the well-respected National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) completed research that indicated those who were depedent on benzos alone had a mortality rate 3 times higher than a control group being treated for similar mental health issues without a co-occurring benzo addiction. When the benzo addiction included the use of alcohol or other addictive drugs, the mortality rate jumped to 6 times higher than the control group.

I sat with a seventeen year-old girl this week who was begging me for benzos. She understandably wants relief from anxiety and has learned from our culture that the most efficient way to do that is to pop a pill. It breaks my heart. I also work with various other adults who struggle with enduring the withdrawal symptoms of benzos and most of them require multiple inpatient hospital stays throughout the year. Long-term benzo use has been shown to lead to an INCREASE in depression and anxiety. The abuse of this class of drugs has become a social problem, a menace to society, a bomb dropped on families, and ultimately kills.

This anger has been stewing in me for many years and the recent death of Whitney Houston really sent me into a tailspin. We do not yet know the autopsy results for this artist, but we do know both alcohol and three different kinds of benzos were found in her room. It doesn't take large volumes of these two combined drugs to cause significant depression of the central nervous system and cessation of breathing.

I believe Whitney Houston was clean from illict drugs and, thus, convinced herself she was "sober," because she was "just taking" the various benzos being prescribed to her. How do we expect people to stay clean when they are having addictive substances prescribed to them by the very people who are supposed to be helping them remain healthy? NO ONE with any history of addiction should take benzos... period. Whitney Houston should never have been given those medications. She believed she was sober and well. Our culture is ignorant to the dangers of benzos and I believe this prohibited the loving friends and family around her from knowing that the path she was on was a deadly one.

If you are taking benzos or know someone who is, these are the signs of benzo dependence (from myaddiction.com):

1. Tolerance to the medication, to the extent that the patient needs to take more to achieve the same effect; more marked when used as sleep aids, less common when used intermittently for anxiety.

2. Withdrawal begins when the medication is discontinued – may lead to taking other drugs to relieve symptoms.

3. Taking a higher dose or a more frequent dose outside of a physician’s advice. This includes taking the medications for problems other than they are prescribed for.

4. An inability to stop or excessive anxiety when considering stopping.

5.Preoccupation with acquiring more medication or another prescription – usually to meet increased need because of self-administering a higher dose.

6. A drastic change in habit or lifestyle, such as skipping social engagements or ignoring responsibilities because of the medication or the effects of the medication – embarrassment and lying may be associated with this.

I believe we should lovingly confront those we love who we know are abusing or misusing their medications. Had someone done this for Whitney Houston, we might still have her today. Please know that tapering from benzos should be done under the guidance of a doctor, due to the potential severity of symptoms. Let's wise up about this very dangerous class of drugs and spread the word that it is not acceptable to take benzos for months or years on end. We have to become intolerant of doctors who have become legal drug pushers and push for tighter regulation of this class of drugs.

New Year, New Projects!

Happy New Year! 2012 is upon us and I, for one, and just grateful I am still here. I won't lie-- 2011 was rather hellish for me, but I have survived. That's what I do, I survive. I thought I should reiterate that since I have been horribly absent from my precious blog for over a month now. I have made a personal pact with self that I should post a minimum of two times per month on my blog. I have said many times that there is something about coming her and speaking that often brings clarity to my inner chaos.

I am reminded that it was late 2008 when I started blogging and I have found so much joy in it. This has been a useful and rewarding outlet for my voice. The bonus I did not expect is the community of blogger, recovery, and poet friends with whom I have connected along the way. I believe any true writer finds joy in just writing for self, but I have discovered the joy in sharing words with others and that was a reward I didn't expect.

I believe it's my three-year journey here (and the 34-year trek prior to that) which has led me to my new project-- a novel. That's right, people, I am embarking on a novel! Have I ever written fiction before? No! Have I ever had training or guidance in writing fiction? No! Is that stopping these characters from invading my mind and soul? No! I am in love with writing this story. The plot, the people, and the theme of this novel feel like a natural culmination of my life up to this point, and I MUST write it.

I have written poetry since I was eleven years old and I've spent a lot of time with poets. I get poets and have a solid understanding of how various poets write. I do not know any fiction writers and am not familiar at all with this experience. This process is entirely new to me, so I engage in it with my own style and my own unique approach. I am now at page 54 in my writing and there are portions of the novel so far that even my untrained eye sees are really bad. I am finding now that I am knee deep in the action of this novel, I am truly needing the guidance of other writers to navigate this process. I welcome any resources, books, websites, or kind advice any of you in bloggerland can offer me. I have begun doing some internet research on my own and found one article in particular that I really like. It's from The Guardian and is entitled "Ten Rules for Writing Fiction." I am especially relieved to hear that these writers often give conflicting "rules," which validates my budding belief that perhaps there is no one right way to do it. One of my favorite tips was given from the author, Roddy Doyle. He says, "Tip #1: Do not place a photograph of your favorite author on your desk, especially if the author is one of the famous ones who committed suicide." You can check out that entire article here.

More to come!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=writing#/d1s1qz6

A Lesson from Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." When I first heard this, I just paused. I wasn't sure if I believed that and something about it didn't feel right. My first thought was, "What about all the times that I've unintentionally hurt others and they continued to support me and give me another chance? I thank God for those people!" I want to be a merciful and patient person. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best. I don't want to believe something about a person because of one behavior. I also want to be smarter about good self-care and not routinely become someone else's doormat! Surely there has got to be a good balance in there somewhere.

Every now and again I will have a brief moment of clarity on a tough issue. My understanding of a problem or its solution will show its face like an image emerging in a cloudy crystal ball, then it's gone again. But for that one moment I felt a knowing. This is how many of us gain a new insight or how some of us move into acceptance of an issue as opposed to just being aware of it. I realized this week the truth of Maya Angelou's statement. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Take note of the behavior that was just displayed and adjust yourself within that relationship. This does not mean I have to stop believing in the good in the person. This does not mean that I give up on this person. It doesn't mean I become unkind or unforgiving toward them. What it does mean is that I can practice healthy and loving safeguards within that relationship so that I do not have to be hurt in the same way again by this same person! It does mean that I should take note of the other person's behavior and know they are capable of it again. It is good to believe the truth of another person's behavior. I can be respectful to the other person while also believing and knowing their potential for hurtful behavior.

It feels right to be given permission to trust my instincts. When someone shows me unhealthy behavior, my instinct is self-preservation and that is OK. It is not selfish. This is a loving act toward myself. I can love myself without being cruel to other people. In fact, it's really not very loving to the other people to allow them to continue practicing their unhealthy behavior with me time and time again. I see now that I can set a limit with other people simply by putting up some protection around myself! I don't have to go to someone and confront their behavior everytime. Often I can just observe their behavior and establish a boundary around ME. This actually speaks volumes to other people. Thank God for moments of clarity.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=maya%20angelou&order=9&offset=48#/d1immuq

Detachment: A Pathway to Peace

Detach. What a beautiful, yummy, and yet terrifying word. Here is Webster's definition of detach: "To disconnect: separate: to extricate oneself or withdraw." Detachment is an action often prescribed to us in our 12 step groups or by our therapists or friends. It means to emotionally let go of a situation or the outcome of a situation. Often we need to detach from people, because our remaining connected is poisoning us in some way. Always we detach as an act of love and ultimate respect toward ourselves.

Detachment becomes necessary when my connection to a thing, a person, or a situation is threatening to my sanity, my peace, my integrity, my health, or body. There are people so incredibly toxic that to remain involved with them means constant chaos and pain. Sometimes we may need to detach from a person who we cannot fully exclude from our lives, because they are our child or our boss at work. This type of detachment is a mental and emotional releasing. It is arriving at an emotional place where our own stability no longer hinges on what the other person says or does. We come to a knowing within ourselves that regardless of how the other person behaves, we will not be moved. We will not be flustered, angered, or care more than they do about themselves or their personal affairs. We lovingly lay down the other person's personal responsiblities at their own feet and walk away. We separate our sacred self from the choices of another human being. We detach.

There are situations in our lives that are troublesome and painful, situations which we cannot change despite our best efforts at trying. I am prone to worrying excessively, turning a problem over and over in my mind for a solution. Eventually the time comes when I have to be assertive with myself! I have to tell myself to detach from this situation. It is my responsiblity, after I've done all I know to do, to go to my Higher Power and ask for help. It is good that I lean on my Higher Power in these situations that are larger than me. I pray the Serenity Prayer for courage, wisdom, and serenity and I detach. I extricate my mind from the worry place. I forbid myself from going there. I connect to the resources of my Higher Power and disconnect from believing a situation outside of me holds the power to care for me or keep me happy. Often I must detach several times in one day or perhaps several times in one hour. Nonetheless I detach as often as I need to until I feel my peace begin to return.

Today I am so thankful for the skill of DETACHMENT, and today it feels good. There are times when detachment does not bring immediate relief, particularly the first few instances we detach from a painful person or situation. Laying down responsiblity for things we cannot control can force us to take responsiblity for ourselves in a way we have not been doing. We become more aware of our own feelings, all of them, the good and the bad. Sometimes there is intense grief after we detach from a situation. This is good and signifies moving toward ourselves and a fuller awareness of how we feel and what we need to do for ourselves.

How detachment comes and how it happens is a mystery to me. We do it when we're ready. I love this passage from Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: "Love and accept ourselves, as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard. The answer will come from detachment" (pg. 26). We may do it when we're worn out from trying everything else! We may do it out of anger or frustration. We may do it with tears of grief or even tears of relief, but do it. Just do it. When you know you have lost your very self to someone else's mess or troubles beyond your control. Just detach.

Photo Above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=letting%20go&order=9&offset=0#/d18ook4

A Prayer

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down
lift your heart toward heaven
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting
your heart toward heaven — only you.
It is in the middle of misery that
so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good came of this,
is not yet listening.

by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=heart%20praise&order=9&offset=120#/d14wh0s

Follow Me

Why is it that during times of stress that old codependent patterns try to rear their ugly heads? I suppose that our good reasoning gets compromised during times of chronic stress, which leaves us vulnerable to the temptation of codependent patterns. These patterns typically consist of taking the focus off of ourselves and becoming overly focused on what someone else is doing or not doing. It could also include the ceasing of self-care in order to take on more work (which we think is going to make someone else happy) or more worry (because we think we can just solve this problem if we try harder). CODEPENDENT PATTERNS. I can at least say that I more quickly recognize that familiar feeling of "my life has become unmanageable." On the path of recovery I have learned that my own chaotic mind, chaotic relationships, chaotic work, etc. is almost always a result of my attempts to control someone else. When I spend excessive amounts of time doing that, my own personal responsibilities get neglected and, thus, my life becomes unmanageable.

I probably sound like I'm talking from experience because I am REALLY talking from experience! In one of my codependent relapses last week, I got a new understanding about something. I was wondering how in the world Jesus managed a team of 12 disciples? I have a staff of eight at my job, and I sometimes feel as if I'm going to pull my hair out. I know Jesus had moments of frustration with His disciples as well. I am in no way suggesting that I am anything like Jesus or that my work mission reaches anywhere near Jesus's mission while He was on earth. I just thought, if you want to know anything at all about how to be a more effective leader, why don't you see how Jesus did it? The first and most important thing that struck me was how Jesus built his team of disciples. He went through various cities approached various men and said, "Follow me." They either followed or they gave him a sideways glance and mumbled under their breath, "Yeah, sure dude," then went back to their work. I also saw that there were people who came to Jesus and asked how to be a disciple or how to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He gave them a very direct and plain answer and many of them said something like, "Oh, wow, I didn't know it would require all that. OK, never mind." Then they left never to be heard from again. Jesus didn't get all emotional about it and chase after them saying, "It's really not that bad! You can do it! I'll help you, really, it'll be OK!" Either way, Jesus didn't beg people to do anything. He didn't threaten them. He didn't interview His disciples then choose who He thought would be the best candidates. He didn't try to convince people with long speeches backed up by the latest research stats or manipulate them through an emotional dissertation.

I've done all of the above and probably done all of the above just in the last few weeks. It's exhausting! I would now like to adopt the Follow Me approach. This approach involves saying simply and directly to someone what you would like for them to do, then you walk away and don't stress it. They will either do it or they will blow you off. When people comply with your requests with this type of approach, then you have a real keeper on your hands. There are actually many people who will just do what you ask, because they love you or respect you. We rarely make it to deeper more intimate relationships with these kinds of people, because we're wasting our time cajoling and pleading with the other type of person who really does NOT want to follow.

The second step of the Follow Me approach is in regard to those who do not follow. This approach requires that I do not chase after those who do not respond to a simple request and I do not block the consequences of their not following. I stand back and allow the chips to fall. If someone does not want to follow or comply with what I've asked, then I am no longer responsible for what happens to them after that. I've got to move on. When you live your life this way, you find yourself surrounded by a committed group of people who do not need to be routinely prodded and manipulated. What Jesus wanted from his disciples more than anything else was willingness. What better way to quickly identify that trait than to offer a simple request, "Follow me," then leave it in their hands.

So I'm moving forward now. Getting up out of the codependent ditch, dusting off and strapping on some Jesus sandals-- FOLLOW ME!

Photos above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=follow+the+leader#/d2oz6sf
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=follow%20the%20leader&order=9&offset=48#/d2tgndi

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I do not deal well with CHANGE. I think I've gotten better over the years, as I have come to realize that change is just part of life. Just as soon as I get familiar with one routine, something new comes along to disrupt it. Even good changes can send me into an emotional tailspin. My head is telling me that my entire family was in a comfortable routine for a little too long and it was beginning to foster complacency and boredom. My emotions, however, are screaming, "I don't care! I want to go back to complacency and boredom where it's safe!" Hubby is starting a new job, the kids are going to after-school care for the first time in their lives, my own work and exercise schedule will need to shift as a result, and our finances will need to have major adjustments.

A friend of mine called me the other day and read a portion of The Language o Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. She read to me about the anxiety of being in the "meantime" or the middle phases of change, the waiting periods. When we go on a trip, we have to prepare, then get in the car and travel. There is a distance between one place and another. If I am travelling to a place I know well and have been to before, I may feel very excited during the travel time. If I am travelling to a place I've never been and perhaps anticipate there may be bad experiences awaiting, then the travel time is miserable. My current travel time into this new phase of life has been miserable and it must be because I am anticipating the worst! I had a dream last night that didn't seem to make any sense, but now I get it. I dreamed that I had to travel to the other end of the state and didn't want to have to make the long drive (travelling across TN is beautiful but LONG). In the dream I boarded a new-fangled train system that jets you across the state in the speed of a plane. I saw the familiar scenery speeding past me as I travelled and I was amazed at how quickly I could get there. I believe this dream was a wish-fulfillment dream. I just want to get there now and avoid all this darned travel!

Today I make the commitment to enjoy the journey. Nothing bad is happening to me on this journey. It is merely a shift from one place to another. I don't know what the new place is going to look like, but this doesn't mean I have to fear it. God is a God of change. He created the seasons, aging and growth, the shifting weather patterns, and time itself. He is in control of all things... even as they change.

Painting above by:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=fast+train#/d28owyi

Out of the Shadow

I've been thinking a lot lately about our "Shadow Selves" and the human tendency to split off the parts of ourselves that we most dislike. I see this all the time with my clients-- not so much in myself, because those unlikeable parts of myself are separated away from consciousness! Carl Jung talked about our Shadow Selves, as the aspects of our personality that we don't want to claim. They are very much there and in daily operation. If we see someone else displaying a feature of our own Shadow Self, we may find ourselves feeling very angry or even disgusted with this person. A strong reaction like this has become my own first clue that I am encountering myself in these people.

I wrote several entries ago about one such Shadow Self, my Know-It-All side. A few weeks after sharing this Shadow Self with the whole world, I began to notice that I wasn't feeling so triggered by a certain person who displayed that trait himself. I realized that bringing my Know-It-All Self out of the shadows made me feel less disdain toward her/the Shadow Self. I shared in that post how the Know-It-All Self came to be and maybe this increased my compassion toward her as well as fellow Know-It-Alls I meet daily!

I often see parents, who encounter in their children, an aspect of their own Shadow Self. This is always difficult for me, because all people have intense reactions to people who display certain shadow traits we find reprehensible or repulsive. It's hard to watch a parent feeling this way toward their own child, yet I know the parent cannot help the way he/she feels. I once worked with a parent that had suffered horrific abuse as a child. She learned to suffer silently under the abuse, behaving as perfectly as possible in order to avoid further abuse. As a child, she learned to disown feelings labeled as "unacceptable" by her abuser-- primarily anger. She was not allowed to demonstrate any sense of outrage or injustice at what was being done to her or she was likely to experience even harsher physical punishment in return. This woman grew up to have a child with serious anger problems. It's probably no accident that the child learned to adopt this particular affect as his primary personality trait. Being an angry kid, however, left his mother feeling very threatened by him and made him unlikeable to her. This, in turn, also triggered her to adopt certain other aspects of her own abuser (i.e., becoming harsh, unjust, overly critical and controlling). This was a complex and unhealthy loop that the mother and child operated within and one that left me feeling very powerless in therapy.

I wasn't trying to zap the power of my Know-It-All shadow self by discussing it openly. That is exactly what seems to have happened, however, and hooray for me! I don't know if the parent I mentioned above would have been thrilled had I suggested she share with the internet world all the ugly aspects of her own angry Shadow Self. What I'm realizing though is that bringing that aspect of herself into consciousness is exactly what she needed-- as painful as it would be to do so. Maybe this could have been done through talking about the angry self, journaling, painting her, or acting it out. Some therapists might have used sandplay, psychodrama, or various other modalities. In our daily lives, we often do the same work without the guidance of a therapist. When we are writing, playing with our children, or creating in various forms, we are dipping our hands into the realm of our own subconscious minds and drawing out forgotten people from those dark places. It is in the birthing of these Shadow People and incorporating them into our conscious selves that we become whole.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?qh=§ion=&q=out+of+the+shadow#/d614by

Kiss Me, You Fool

I have a close friend who is a recovering sex and love addict. She is an older woman (a phrase I use when I mean "older than me") and so dear to me. This woman has about 20 years of recovery under her belt, immense wisdom and humility. She's been nothing short of a gift from God to me and I am grateful to share this universe with her.:-) She doesn't mind my sharing some insight she and I both are gaining as a result of a new relationship she is in.

My friend has not dated for probably about 10-15 years now. I suspect much of this comes from the deep respect she has for sobriety and her own addiction. She is fully aware that returning to addictive relationships could mean death for her. Many of the men she dated or was married to in the past are already dead themselves due to reckless behavior and various addictions of their own. I have encouraged my friend, however, that I do not personally feel that God intends for us to live alone. This doesn't mean we are all meant to be married, however, I feel my friend has much to offer in a relationship and is certainly deserving of much love and admiration. I've encouraged her to remain open to healthy men and when there is an opportunity for a date, she needs to go! Unlike decades ago when she moved desperately from one unhealthy man to another in an attempt to get her love fix, she now has a circle of sober friends who will help hold her accountable. She also has years of healing under her belt and numerous new coping tools. She has taken my fine advice and has been dating someone for 2 months.

My friend has established a rule for herself that, at first, I didn't quite understand. She has promised herself that she will not kiss this many until and unless they have dated successfully for 3 months. I spoke to her this week and asked, "Have you gotten to smooch yet or not?" She says, "Nope, still no smooching! You'll be the first to know!" She and I discussed what the purpose of this personal contract has been and how in the heck is it even working. She and I are first and foremost shocked that she is dating someone who has not questioned this. She has not told him about her personal promise and he has not attempted to kiss her. They have held hands and demonstrate a romantic interest in one another but neither are anxious to push things too far too soon. I am learning that, by slowing things down in this way, my friend is experiencing many unexpected benefits:

1) Reduced possiblity for fantasy behavior: we all know that sexual feelings can cause you to feel a little crazy in your head and influence you to overlook otherwise unhealthy or inappropriate behavior in a partner. By not taking the relationship to that level that particular temptation is not there and they are able to experience each other at a more "real" and therefore more intimate level than other couples who are hopping into bed within the first few dates. Yes, Honey, BELIEVE it.

2) Reduced tension and anxiety around the sexual aspect of the relationship: by limiting the first kiss, the sexual tensions are held at bay. This allows for the both of them to just stop thinking about it and worrying about it. Instead, do you know what they do? They just go on a date and have fun with each other without worrying about when is the sex gonna happen! Again, they are opened to a truer level of intimacy because of this.

3) Maintaining a personal sense of integrity and safety: for my friend in particular this is very important. This is a big deal to her and very scary. It is exactly this kind of limit that has allowed her to safely date at all. We are also both shocked that she has found this man who is so respectful of it. It's made her realize that it wasn't the man who was always the problem in past relationships-- perhaps she was the one pushing things too quickly sexually and there are actually many men who would be willing to respect her timing and limits. THAT is a true paradigm shift for her and very freeing. Should things not work out in this relationship, she's learned something so important about men-- they can be safe and responsive to your needs when you express them.

I've been with the same man for 17 years and we have 2 children. We're way past the withholding the kiss stage, so walking through this with my friend is so special to me. A part of me gets to learn alongside her. Yeah, recovery!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=princess%20kiss&order=9&offset=24#/d1cryw6

Good Grief

Hello blogger friends! I realized today that it's been almost a month since I've come around to post, and I don't intend to make that a habit. I need this little piece of internet space to come to and think. I have found myself lately to be a woman of few words. I'm experiencing some very tough times personally and have been silenced by it all. I have enough sense to know that I don't want to speak doubt, discouragment, or anger, and I'm afraid if I open my mouth that is what will come out. Trying to speak anything positive or hopeful has just been too painful... just to be very honest. Thus, I've just been keeping my mouth shut! I feel tonight I need to break the silence with goodness.

I am realizing that having evil very near has made me especially keen to all the good that is near. Tonight I felt immense gratitude for a push mower that works and a yard to mow. I almost wanted to weep at it. I felt such joy cooking hot dogs for my kids, as if I were cooking the finest meal they have ever had. I am grateful to have a front door with a lock, water that runs both cold and hot, a running car, two beautiful happy children, and a home. Last night I slept beside a sweet loyal husband in a bed in a home I love with my children safely nearby. It's summertime and the cicadas have not interrupted a single outdoor activity. I've been given so much and have nothing but gratitude for every wonderful vacation I've experienced with my kids, every fancy schmancy meal my husband and I have treated ourselves to, and all the sweet luxuries of life that many people never experience. If I never experience any of them ever again, I can't complain.

I don't ever want to become too attached to stuff here on this earth. I can't take any of it with me, and one day all I've worked for will either be given to someone else or tossed in the trash. There are, however, things I can leave that can never be stolen or trashed, and God is reminding me to focus more of my time and energy in those areas. I have children who will carry pieces of myself and my husband into the world with them, and I hope to impart good to them. Everyday I encounter hurting people with no sense of hope, people starving for love and in need of healing. You meet them too. We're only given a short time on this earth and it passes so quickly. Let us love one another more passionately, more fully than ever before. Let us give away more of our things and our time to lighten someone else's load. Let us all think a little less about ourselves and a little more about our neighbors. Let us spend less time arguing and complaining and more time speaking words that will build someone up and offer hope. It is my prayer that none of you have to suffer to come to these truths for yourself and I pray that I never forget them either. I want to leave them here as a marker for myself!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=mowing%20the%20yard&order=9&offset=48#/d1koizq

The Ultimate Peace Treaty

I ran across the most wonderful verse and promise about a week ago. Just reading it and marinating in it has been sweet to me: "'no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,' declares the Lord."(Isaiah 54:17)In fact, this entire chapter makes me smile. The prophet Isaiah is delivering a message to the people directly from God, and God really has some good news for them! These people had been struggling and striving in their relationship with the Lord for generations. Finally, after all this turmoil, God is ready for some peace and says, "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed."

I've had struggles with people and that's no fun, but I've had struggles with God and that is REALLY no fun. It brings me great comfort to just receive the promise that He's not mad at me and, in fact, has signed a peace treaty for eternity! Regardless of what I do, where I go, what I say or feel, the peace treaty remains intact. This is the first promise of this text, but it doesn't stop there. God tells the people that, because of the peace covenant, he will not abandon them AND if they are attacked by any enemies it will not be His doing. He doesn't promise they won't be attacked, He just says the attack won't come from Him.

I believe God knew that many people would not exactly feel comfort from this particular promise. I mean, why not just keep me from being attacked by anybody, right? Can't you do that, God? He was prepared to answer me and the many people who think like me. God answers this with "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coal into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc." God creates the people, but He really has little control over them at that point. They're free to go do their own creating, whether for good or evil, it's their own choice.

Here's the really good part! Let the blacksmith forge his weapons and plan to use them on me. Go build your weapons, forge an entire arsenal of weapons to use on me! Guess what, they are ineffective against me. You can plan any attack you want, but the attacks of others do not prevail against me. HA HA! Furthermore, make your accusations against me. They get refuted, each and every one of them everytime. It's my heritage as a servant of the Lord. What a wonderful and comforting promise, and I am finding it to be true. As false accusations are made and attacks launched, I rest in the comfort that I have a peace treaty with God and He is my ally in all battles lifting up a supernatural shield that thwarts all intended harm.

It is very easy and natural for me to "get my back up" when people try to suggest something about me that isn't true. I struggle with having a little bit of an "attitude" and a quick temper. Before I've even had time to think about a situation, a sassy comment has already escaped my lips. Because of this tendancy to run my mouth, I've also had to become very adept at apologies. For a hothead like me, I am quieted by the promise from God that the ultimate peace, peace between me and Him, is already established, and any attacks or accusations from people will not prevail. So, chill. :-)

Photo above found at:
http://linsenschuss.deviantart.com/art/the-blacksmith-134322435

Resilient

In the middle of this tight contraction of time
where I am squeezed between hard and impossible, here
I take a deep breath lying on the stone that
some wish were my coffin and
I breathe
deep solemn redeeming breaths that
I live despite you
despite evil black as the underworld encapsulated
in a palm, I breathe
despite generations of heavy earth lying over me
I consider it brilliant
the changes it draws from me in crushing blows.
I breathe despite loneliness
despite drudgery and commotion
I am alive
here amidst the pounding pummels
lifting my chin and
swinging back.

I’ll admit
sometimes I wish you knew about
my own black storms
the howling, the deep of the cut
the vastness of the hole
I hold
the fine sweet slice of soul
left lying open
I get it
it’s not for you to know
I’ve learned to celebrate the solitude
in suffering
since I’m coming out of it now
one fine day at a time
Sweet Jesus!
Look at me now.

By Melissa Greene
photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=survivor&order=9&offset=48#/dmd517

To Every Thing There Is a Season

We have had a rough winter here in the Nashville area with a record number of snow days. In fact, many schools in this area have gone over their designated number of snow days, requiring students to extend their school year. Our first snow occurred in December, which is unheard of, and the wintry precipitation did not stop until into February. We're pretty spoiled in this area with the warm weather. It tends to stay fairly mild here throughout the year. It's not unheard of to have little to no snow at all in the winter. So, for us to get really SICK of snow tells you that it was a lot. Despite the harsh winter and all the previous years of bitter cold, I can say I have never had a therapy client come into my office complaining of despair due to snow, ice, or cold. Yes, sometimes we may feel our mood negatively and temporarily affected on a gray day, but I'm saying I have never seen anyone go into despair over bad weather. Why is that? Why did we Nashvillians not begin to wail and moan in utter hopelessness over the extremely cold and harsh winter we suffered? Because we know it ends! Winter always ends and spring always comes! It is inevitable. We've seen it happen year after year-- the sunshine emerges and the snow melts. Like clockwork spring always comes.

In Ecclesiastes we are told that to EVERYTHING there is a season. This means there is a season for depression, anger, grief, loneliness, and a host of other painful experiences. These things have their season then they end. They always end because we are promised they will end. They are confined to a season. I know that I begin to experience despair and hopelessness in the midst of a painful experience, when I convince myself that "this will never end! I cannot handle it any longer and it will never end!" I don't despair over winter, so why should I despair over other unpleasant experiences? This too shall pass.

Ecclesiastes 3

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=seasons#/djz251

Miss Smarty Pants

When I was around 9 years old, my parents divorced. As an adult I can see how this divorce was inevitable and necessary. Children, however, do not have adult logic and coping skills. Children believe things that are not true and sometimes believe things that are downright magical or fanciful. Children also tend to believe that the world revolves around them, thus other people's choices must be because of something the child has done. My child reasoning came up with the bright idea that my Dad left because I was not special in any way. Some children might have blamed themselves in various other ways, telling themselves, "I'm not a good girl, so Dad left," or "I argued with Dad last week, so he left," etc., etc. For me, I just felt PLAIN and therefore unlovable. I remember when school let out that spring, at the completion of fourth grade, I made the decision that one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty smart. I didn't consider myself particularly pretty, social, or talented in any way, but darn it, I could learn anything! So, I resolved to become the SMARTEST and this is what would make me special. My parents had ordered a set of encyclopedia books for me, and that summer I set out to begin reading and committing to memory the entire set. Oh, Dear...

Thus began my lifelong agenda of becoming a real know-it-all. In retrospect, I know I was a pretty smart kid, but so were alot of my friends. There was nothing really all that special about my good grades, but I had convinced myself it was the one thing that kept me special and therefore forever safe from abandonment.

The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is because I am realizng this is the wound that is being triggered by Mr. A, referenced in my last post. As the universe would have it, I have been put into a relationship with another know-it-all just like me. Great! (insert sarcasm here) There is only room for one know-it-all per office, home, or school, etc. When two know-it-alls disagree, uh-oh, someone has to back off and admit, I don't know everything, you do. That is just not happening! It's really almost laughable but the wound is very real, because here is the problem: if you take away my smart status, then my wound says you just took away the one thing that makes me special, and now I am vulnerable to abandonment.

I am very grateful to have this wound and the lie of it exposed. I am actually becoming grateful for every instance when Mr. A tells me something I already know and I'm tempted to say, "Yes, I already know that." When I walk away from this triggering instance, I have truth on my side, and the truth can be applied like a healing balm. These are the sweet and wonderful truths that I know:
1. I am not the smartest person around, nor do I need to be. God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise!
2. I am special and unique regardless of my IQ or book smarts. There is no one else on this planet exactly like me.
3. I can never be abandoned ever again, because I am an adult now. Adults can't be abandoned, because adults are self-sufficient (in the survival sense). Only children can truly be abandoned.
4. I am powerless over other people and trying to control other people only makes my own life unmanageable. I have a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity and daily meet my needs, as long as I daily turn the care of myself over to Him.

I share this personal story with great humility and with the hope that someone reads a part of themselves here. May the truth set us free!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=girl%20reading&order=9&offset=24#/d1e50b5